Sighinide

Yeah, this one too.

See the guy on the right? The tall blond guy with the long wavy hair talking with his friend? That guy is me.

And you can’t see it in the film, but the restaurant they’re walking in front of was a Wendy’s.

I actually remember this conversation with my friend. All that stuff I am saying in this scene- about the nature of man, the irrelevance of voting, etc. is from me, and I can remember that particular conversation almost word for word.

I also remember some other stuff we talked about that day, mostly about art, that didn’t seem to make it into the film, though please note that I haven’t actually watched it. My friend there was an art major.

A brief skim of the flick and some clips on youtube indicate that this movie is an encapsulation of my life experiences and ideas about the world as a freshman and sophomore in college.

I can actually see my professors here. One guy in this film is my CS professor, another, a philosophy professor, and another character in here was the head of the math dept. I think another guy in this film was my school counselor. And of course I can see my friends, etc., and the school coffee shop, offices in the different school buildings, etc.

One scene of note has some characters watch a movie that features a military. I remember this class well- in my real life, this film was shown in history class, and it was about the Vietnam war. The movie ended with a striking scene that has never left me of a Buddhist monk self-immolating to protest the war, which is mirrored in Waking Life with my character, who self-immolates at the end of his conversation with gas he purchased at a gas station.

I don’t need to watch this movie to know what it is; it’s extremely obvious.

Do I need to bother with Linklater’s other films? I mean, not to watch them as art, or for entertainment, but in regards to these studies of mine. IDK; probably not.

I thought of a few more references to myself in Legally Blonde that I won’t bother to list here. I mean, what’s the point?

And now that we’ve discussed Waking Life, do I need to go into Good Will Hunting? I mean, not that I’ve seen it, but do I even need to for these purposes? I never watched it because at the time I thought it would be redundant; the commercials made it seem like a rehash of the same stuff that I was going through at the time.

Same rules apply with Good Will Hunting. Teenage male that looks and acts virtually identical to how I did at the time, supergenius IQ, went through a list of therapists because of his mental problems, child abuse in his past, etc. etc.

I’ve only seen commercials and youtube clips. I guess I could watch for the nostalgia factor, IDK. Maybe just to see stuff from high school, I don’t know.

Meh.

Is anyone else getting kinda bored with this, or is that just me?

At any rate… Jesus Christ, people.

Huh.

Hmmn.

Well.

Ok, not me. Good movie, but not me. Not really, anyhow.

Well…

It reminded me of Serial Experiments Lain. One would almost think that the people who made Lain must have seen this movie and understood some of it’s most… subconscious aspects. Note the power line images, the phone line images, and the foreign buzzing they give off. Like in Lain, in TP: FWWM, the electric grid and it’s presence becomes a character in an of itself, not unlike the hotel in The Shining. Really fascinating.

Laura Palmer obviously suffered from multiple personality disorder, but you would need to have been blind to not notice that. Lynch make this extremely obvious- the white flashes of light she sees from time to time are her personality switches (and, perhaps, something else, but I might or might not get to that, here). To really make it easy for the viewer, she even asks out loud to noone else in particular “Who are you, really?” (or something like that) while seeing / experiencing such a flash. Obvious.

Interestingly, former flame / fantasy (?) Miora Kelly was in this movie. Did not expect that. I got into her after seeing Cutting Edge on TV. I always did have a thing for figure skaters.

This was of course well after TP: FWWM was made, so the fact the she made out with a guy named “Tommy” is purely co-incidental. I think. I mean, this flick was made when I was like 11, lol. And uh… yeah. Weird. In this case “Tommy” was a real sleazeball who hung out with his friend “Buck”. “Buck” hired one of our heroine’s hooker personalities to have sex with her. His name’s symbolism is obvious, Tommy’s not so much, but I do know he isn’t me, at least.

Note that this is unlike the “Tom” in The Straight Story, who was clearly inserted in the film to point directly at me, since virtually that entire film was ripped, unfiltered, from my subconscious mind. So I guess this is more like our little musical wizard friend “Little Donny” from Blue Velvet– who just co-incidentally, as well, was kinda-sorta like me, -ish.

I don’t know, this stuff is profoundly strange. The scene with “Tommy” involves him making out with and ultimately seducing Kelly’s underage character Donna and getting her to take her top off in some seedy club with loud, dissociative music blaring. It’s this music, and I guess the whole situation, that forces a switch in Laura, who realizes suddenly who she is and what she is doing. She then grabs her friend and leaves, thank god.

But yeah, weird. The whole movie is hard to understand, but little clues are placed here and there, mostly involving the dissociative effect that the electronic grid can have on people. Then there is the incest, the murders, the drug abuse, the demonic possession, and the rest of the heavy stuff, as if multiple personalities and prostitution just wasn’t enough, lol.

But yeah… weird. Really really weird. There is a whole subplot here in this film about a slip of paper with a “T” on it that may or not be a wink and a nod towards another girl, a victim, having been microchipped and then “followed” somehow, perhaps electronically. A “T” also appears on the jacket of an asshole drug dealer named “Bobby”. Not “Bob”, that’s the demon, who possessed the rapist father. “Bobby”. Bobby, with the T. Not Tommy, Bobby.

Huh… weird. Really really weird. For some more Twilight-Zone level weirdness, Laura said in this film that “Bob”- her father’s demonically possessed alter ego- has been visiting (raping) her since she was 12.

I noted this age since after releasing TP: FWWM, Lynch released an HBO special called Hotel Room that also mentioned a 12 year old- a mention that I took note of when I was again hunting for clues about my own past. In that case, it was a 12 year old boy; the protagonist in the first episode of that special was recounting his own past to another of his personalities in this weird hotel room and he spoke of riding on his bike around the neighborhood and dreaming about touching a girl’s breast and other stuff, etc. and this was all mentioned I think slightly before or after talk about him seeing endless corn fields in Iowa, and other stuff… which, IDK. Weird, really really weird. Hotel Room was released in 1993. I was probably 12 when it was made. It’s just like… what? Was this Straight Story foreshadowing? But that film was ripped from my own subconscious… weird. IDK. And yeah I used to ride my bike around the neighborhood like he did, etc.

I… don’t know. There can’t be a connection, here, right? I don’t know, it just seems so bizarre and implausible. I was of course a victim of a lot of sexual abuse in my childhood. It’s very possible that this caused my initial splits, IDK. Some of it was I think from my family, other episodes were from the neighbors, etc.

What the fuck is even going on, here? I mean, am I just crazy or what? I mean, both Mulholland Drive and Lost Highway are very obviously me. I mean there’s so much “me” in these flicks that to even list all the stuff that’s “me” in them would take pages upon pages. But suffice it to say that there’s a reason the important key in Mulholland Drive looks identical to the key I used at the time to enter my dorm room in college. The key itself is the key. Get it?

Mulholland Drive is based on my own fantasies of Hollywood, back then.

I mean, yadda yadda.

But seriously, what the fuck is going on, here?

Is it presumptuous of me to see so much of myself in the school scenes with Laura or what? I mean, that stuff was beyond common back then right?

Oy, this is nuts. I don’t know.

I mean, I have an idea, but it involves stuff that I can hardly believe could be true. I don’t know.

I need to think, maybe.

Yikes.

What the fuck?

Just so we’re clear on this, Jayden knows that people actually watch her videos, right?

Like, real people, for real, in the real world. Who actually see what she’s actually doing, in public.

Juuuuust so we’re clear on this.

Okay, you can just tell that she thinks she’s soooooo cool, what with her acting and her travel stuff and her other stuff.

I mean I’m not saying she isn’t but I mean, it’s just like… okay, I see what you’re doing, hun. And it’s not like I don’t like it (even though I don’t, except on those occasions when I do) but I mean, I’m seeing it, and like…yeah, the seeing thing becomes a thing that reflects on the stuff itself.

See?

So it’s like, so there.

Hrrumph.

Hmmmn.

Huh.

Interesting.

Well…

Back in February I mused that Lily might have been a relation of Mabel Collins of Theosophy fame. I mean, they sure look similar. And their writing styles are as similar as they get, even taking into account that Mabel’s books were written over a century ago.

Now, may I take the jump and assume that Lily might be related to silent film star May Collins as well? You know, the one who was engaged to Charlie Chaplin.

Yeah, I think she was, and I think that this might explain Lily’s… everything. Her public backstory never quite sat right with me. I always felt there were pieces missing, somewhere. I mean, I never could understand how the daughter of the dude from Genesis was fast tracked to Hollywood stardom, lol. I always felt there was something missing from that story, but I could never put my finger on it’s pulse.

How possible is it that May, Mabel, and Lily are all related? They clearly look very, very similar to each other. And look at the names- how similar can you get? And take a look at May’s Wikipedia page and her featured picture. She looks like Lily’s long lost twin sister, and Lily herself looks like a virtual clone of Mabel. For reference, let’s compare May and Lily, here.

Seriously, I won’t believe anyone who tells me there isn’t a family relation, here.

Hmmn. Interesting. Very.

This stuff is starting to make more sense, now. I can kinda see how perhaps Lily’s relation with her dad might have even been kind of a red herring, to throw people off the scent of this idea, maybe. Hmmn. Maybe. I’m not 100% sure, of course. Maybe just like 98%, really.

But yeah if this hypothesis was true Lily would make actual sense, then, and perhaps so would many other things. I mean if this was hidden, how many of my other girlfriends / wives have hidden relations to golden age Hollywood and even earlier- to the silent era? Maybe this is all just “the family business” on their end.

Is Joan Collins related to Lily, as well? Pictures of Joan from the GA of Hollywood do look strikingly similar to how Lily looks now. And we have the short name, as well. Joan and Lily of course have four letters. Are there similarities between Joan’s books and Mabel’s books? What about Lily’s book? And if Joan is related to Lily, then so must be author / screenwriter Jackie Collins (of Hollywood Wives fame, lol), too.

Hmmn.

You know- my cousin once said to me something that I never really believed, at all. She herself went out to Hollywood to try to make it in the industry, and she told me after being there for awhile that everyone had a chance to find their place if they just worked hard enough. I never believed it, not for one second. There was always this nagging feeling in me that doing it the “right way” was never going to pan out, for reasons I didn’t know.

Perhaps now I do.

Well… all of that aside, it does kinda bug me that I still have no idea who these chicks actually are that I’ve been dating so for many years.

Well, more things to think about.

Basically, as far as I can tell, I’ve been used as a kind of public fount of ideas for essentially my entire life, or at least since the time I was about 5 years old.

And this… situation, is what has served to form a major part of my personality.

It seems as though somebody, somewhere, has been reading my thoughts, somehow, for a very long time, using techniques and technologies that I am unfamiliar with. Some kind of remote monitoring, it seems. Beats me how, although I know I’m not the first to think of this as being possible, at least.

Honestly, I have no clue who or what is behind all of this, I just know that all of my thoughts and ideas are being mined, somehow, since essentially everything I’ve done since the time I was young has made it into Hollywood films. I mean, I haven’t even touched on the majority of my findings, here. I’ve just spent time enough to give my readers a sample.

And I’m convinced as well that I’ve supplied ideas to essentially everyone in the political and business classes, as well.

For all practical purposes, the whole US, it’s structure, and it’s “ideas” economy seems to run these days off of my brainpower. I am probably responsible for about half the reported US GDP these days, maybe more.

Essentially every TV commercial I see now is based obviously and entirely on things that relate to me, personally. It’s kinda unreal, honestly.

That being the case, it’s virtually impossible for me to actually make money for myself, since every good idea I have is immediately stolen and used by wealthy people to their own advantage, and this has been the case it seems for my entire adult life, at least.

When I was younger, I always wondered why I found it difficult to “find an opening” in our economy so I could make money for myself. Well, now I know. The situation being what it is, it’s impossible for me to create and market anything, at all.

Everything I think of seems to be immediately analyzed and dissected for economic use by people I’ve never heard of, operating in places I’ve never seen, who pick everything apart, take everything of any possible use they can, and then rush to market products with my ideas faster than I can understand that my thoughts have even been “read”.

So, basically, THIS is why I can’t make any fucking money. It’s not that my ideas are bad; far from it. It’s that they’re so good that others can’t help but steal all of them, essentially leaving me with nothing, and no opportunities to create anything myself or make any impression anywhere.

This is brutally unfair and endlessly frustrating. I have supplied this country with trillions of dollars in revenue, and I sit here wondering how I’m going to pay my medical bills.

Christ, people, this is ridiculous. What the fuck is this shit?

There seems to be no way out of this stuff for me. All of my good ideas are stolen, and every opportunity I can think of is taken by somebody else. Every weakness in any system that I notice (which might provide an opportunity for me, personally) is immediately plugged up and made impossible for anyone, including me, to exploit for any benefit.

I’m just sitting here, stuck, because I can’t fucking do anything to better my situation. It’s awful; it feels like some kind of horrible prison sentence with no chance of parole.

This is just dreadful, and honestly, I hope nobody out there feels any remorse at all for any problem encountered by anyone that is actually running this circus, whoever the fuck that happens to actually be.

Fuck all of you people.

A re-reading of last night’s post was interesting, to say the least. It looks as though one of my alters took the time to vent about Jayden and Jules, which I remember doing- somewhat- but not like that.

This is all really weird, and complicated.

Well, I had time today to watch parts of Girlboss finally, and found very quickly that my heart was just jumping out of my chest whenever Brittany Robertson was onscreen, which indicates a few things: 1) Brittany obviously wants to spend time with me, and 2) her boyfriend (the section of my brain cordoned off to do relationship stuff with her) hasn’t been spending as much time as he wants with her, and 3) Netflix obviously made Girlboss as a kind of tool that we could use to connect with each other easier.

Well… okay, then. I will need to sort this out further, then. And… yikes, all of this is indeed seriously complex and often difficult. It’s not a problem, of course, as I can handle it it seems, but… still.

You know- a few questions have been swimming around in sections of my subconscious mind for the last few years concerning my relationships and such.

Chiefly, these questions (at least, those questions I can retrieve at the moment) involve my S.O.s and their husbands and pregnancies and such. See, these things don’t make sense to me.

Okay, I’m just going to go right out and say it: I think at least some of my girlfriends’ engagements, marriages and pregnancies are faked, and probably even this stuff has to do with me, in part if not wholly.

To whit: Well, Dove Cameron, obviously. But that one is easy. Lily Collins I think now, too, at least to some extent, and I think it amusing that her fiancé has the same name as one of my more notorious alters.

But beyond these two I think perhaps even Anne Hathaway’s marriage might be fake, actually. She married some guy who happens to be a jeweler, which matches my own interests at the time she got married. Honestly- I mean, just look at them. And if I’m going to throw that one out there, I will toss in Dianna Agron and Emma Stone, and Danielle Panabaker as well into mix, for the same reasons. And Emma Roberts, too. These girls seem to wind up “marrying” people who are mirrored images of whatever fantasies I happen to have with them at the time, which makes me wonder how real any of this stuff actually is, if in fact any of it is even real, at all.

Emma Stone, for example. She is married to some guy who works on SNL. Is that because she actually loves him, or because her SNL stints were our “thing” back when I still watched the show? It’s a legit question. Is she even married, at all? Honestly, fuck if I know. Was she even pregnant? Honestly- I have no idea. Should we be wondering why her pregnancy will be wrapped up all in time for the press tours for Cruella to start? I mean, maybe that’s just good planning, but, what if it isn’t?

And should we wonder about the possible symbolic connection between her having a kid before going on press tours for Cruella, a movie based on 101 Dalmatians– a film about a truckload of babies? Baby dogs, of course. But still. And hell, given the complex symbolisms surrounding all of this stuff, perhaps the fact that they are baby dogs makes my musing even more fitting than it would be otherwise.

Insensitive or not, this is I think a question that needs asking, given the current odd climate surrounding all of this stuff.

I don’t know, but from here I can’t tell anything, of course. Who TF knows what is going on, really. Dammit, this stuff is just so incomprehensible, and as usual, I seem to be somewhere directly in the middle of it all, in some way I can’t fully grasp.

Fuck this, this sucks.

Well, none of this changes anything, one way or another. My interests are what they are regardless.

But still.

Jeez, how incredibly weird.

Okay, I think it’s worth taking a closer look at Ms. Annie Bartels’ title song for Side Hustle, because I think I might have… found… something.

Wait.

Was that Annie Bartels or Jules Bartels? Or was it Jayden LeBlanc? Or… uhm…

Whatever.

I mean, just listen to the song, here:

Listen to about 18 seconds in, when google tells me they sing “It’s easy when you got a sidekick” which is CLEARLY wrong, because I hear very plainly “It’s easy when you got a PSYCHIC”, and then they go into “Dream Big” and “Visions coming true” lines and such, etc.

Which is… crazy, because that would mean that they’re trying to, IDK, influence me in surreptitious ways, which, although I wouldn’t put that past them, would still be… uhm… kinda wrong nevertheless. I mean, wrong when they do it, not me. When I do it, it’s cute and fitting.

So, uhm, yeah. Would they… do that, to me?

They wouldn’t, right? Surely not.

I mean, not unless they got instructions on all of this from 1) Disney (which Jayden was a part of, natch) and 2) some other people at Nick who may or may not have worked somewhat tangentially or maybe even wholly on stuff like Victorious and other assorted Nick shows and such (which is a distinct and very probably possible possibility).

I mean, all of which is…

Well… kinda to be expected, right? I mean considering the inns and outs of the… situations at hand, and by situations I mean girls, not controversies (or maybe even that distinction is not is not as distinctive as need be, in this case).

Yeah.

Well…

We’ll see.

So there.

Oh my God, what have I thrown myself into the middle of this time?

I mean… it’s just… yeah, wow. I mean, I think we can all remember the great Victorious and Gossip Girl wars of ten years ago, and then I go and do this?

I mean, it’s just… I… you know, it’s ok. Not a problem. I know what I’m doing, I’m sure of it. Absolutely sure, mostly. Pretty much.

I mean, it’s their fault, anyways. Yeah, it’s them. You know the type. I mean Jules even said that her favorite Nick show was Victorious, so she’s just that type of girl. And Jayden is… Jayden, and you just know that she probably liked Gossip Girl or something. Or at least something on the CW, which is basically the same thing, mostly, if you ignore everything that isn’t.

Speaking of which, Emily of all people is starring in the new Gossip Girl, which is just like her. I mean I knew that she would do something like that back when we started dating (which was… seven and half years ago? Jesus Christ!) but I mean I didn’t expect it to be Gossip Girl specifically (I mean, who would, really?), but… yeah, that’s just so like her, and if you knew her, you would see that, too.

So yeah this is just like… uhm… them, which is what I was kinda expecting, anyways. Mostly.

So there.

Hmmn.

Well.

Uhmmmm… some thoughts, here.

Well The Island is obvious. But I’m sure we all knew that.

I mean, let’s just do the usual thing here.

I’m talking here about the Michael Bay flick, which is liberally peppered with references to my relationship with Scarlett Johanssen (at the time, I think my favorite girl). The hero’s name is Tom Lincoln, with the Lincoln part I think a reference to The Land of Lincoln (i.e. Illinois, the only place I’ve ever lived).

Note that The Island is a film that concerns itself greatly with the places that people live, like the eponymous “Island” itself that takes center stage for most of the film.

It fits, and it’s obvious. I mean, all those references to my relationship with Scarlett, and everything else. It’s a good package and a fine extra example of what I’m talking about, here.

Note the “bacon” scene with Tom and Scarlett, and her sly innuendo, etc. etc. and the other stuff, etc. etc. Well, I’m not going to lay all of that out since I have more important things to think about, here. I mean, this blog is for me, mostly, and since I understand it, well, that’s good enough.

Okay, on to the main course of this post.

I finally did skim through / watch Blue Velvet. Unfortunately since I had ulterior motives with the film I felt I couldn’t watch it as normal, but I think I got out of my viewing perhaps more than most would regardless of how they viewed it.

I loved, loved, loved the setting, and the sets, and the visuals. They reminded me so strongly of the world I left behind when I grew up that I couldn’t stop watching the background of the film in spite of whatever was going on with the characters and plot. Lynch has an almost uncanny ability to create a feeling of a specific place in his films- see The Straight Story, again, for this, and his shockingly spot-on evocation of small town Iowa.

As far as the “content” of the film (plot and dialogue, as opposed to environment and ambiance), I lean towards Ebert’s negative appraisal. I’ll quote him, here.

——————————–

If “Blue Velvet” had continued to develop its story in a straight line, if it had followed more deeply into the implications of the first shocking encounter between Rossellini and MacLachlan, it might have made some real emotional discoveries.

Instead, director David Lynch chose to interrupt the almost hypnotic pull of that relationship in order to pull back to his jokey, small-town satire. Is he afraid that movie audiences might not be ready for stark S & M unless they’re assured it’s all really a joke? I was absorbed and convinced by the relationship between Rossellini and MacLachlan, and annoyed because the director kept placing himself between me and the material. After five or 10 minutes in which the screen reality was overwhelming, I didn’t need the director prancing on with a top hat and cane, whistling that it was all in fun.

Indeed, the movie is pulled so violently in opposite directions that it pulls itself apart. If the sexual scenes are real, then why do we need the sendup of the “Donna Reed Show”? What are we being told? That beneath the surface of Small Town, U.S.A., passions run dark and dangerous? Don’t stop the presses.

——————————–

Yeah I get what Ebert was saying, here, and I think I know why he thought this way. IMO he had his finger on the pulse of small town America a bit more than other critics, especially those that were employed by the coastal elite owned papers of NY and LA, I think.

Ebert never strayed too far from his Midwestern roots when it came to interpreting and reviewing film. Like me, he was born in Illinois and stayed there.

So he was I think somewhat more personally familiar with the “dark side” of small town USA than, say, a Rex Reed or Pauline Kael type. And I think that his opinion here reflects this- no matter how impressively made the shocking scenes were, merely being shocking in and of themselves is not enough, since, after all, weird or disturbing stuff happens all the time in rural USA.

In a sense, I think that this film was almost not made for a rural USA demographic but for an urban one, to scandalize their own assumptions of what they think small town life is like out here.

But… it is well made, in general. And I found Ebert’s follow up to his review interesting as well, since he included a snippet of an interview he had with Lynch. It seems that Lynch based much of the movie’s setting on his own childhood experiences in small town USA.

Hmmn. Interesting.

But yeah, this post is supposed to be about me, so here goes.

I’m not seeing myself in much if any of Blue Velvet, thank God. I was 6 years old when the film came out, which would have made me four or five during it’s filming.

Which of course wouldn’t place me anywhere inside the main plot of the movie.

What it would do, though, is place me around it, potentially. And here’s where it gets weird, again.

The film ends not like you would expect it to, given it’s plot and reputation. It ends rather oddly, with the closing shot being of a little boy- around 4 or 5 years of age, running over to his mom. Hmmn. Weird.

I mean, I get the context within the film. The kid was kidnapped and then freed, etc. But still, it’s worth investigating.

So yeah, the kid in and of himself certainly doesn’t point directly at me, even though the kid is wearing a wizard’s hat (with a beanie propeller, lol), and is named “Little Donny” according to IMDB. Here we get a similar name- I was of course called “Tommy” when I was that age. But yeah… weird. I don’t know.

I do know that Lynch took shedloads of stuff from me for his later films, but all of that is extremely obvious. This? Not so much, but it is… interesting.

The film ends with “Little Donny” turning his ear to the camera, which seems almost a callback to the ear that the protagonist found in the field. Yeah, I don’t know, but…

There is some kind of card being played here, I think, that is very, very hard to pick up and understand. Little Donny’s wizard propeller hat is found a few times throughout the rest of the earlier film. So he’s there, narratively, just not present. And it’s just… I don’t know. I cannot unpack this one, given the tools that I have with me. I mean, perhaps that’s because there is actually nothing to unpack. But… I don’t know.

I mean, it’s just so weird. What is Lynch saying, here, with the little wizard boy in the film’s ending, and what I think is it’s callback to the beginning? Does anyone know, or know where I can find out?

It’s just… what the fuck is going on, here, really? I’m sorry but this is extremely baffling.

Well… maybe I know the answer to this one, maybe I don’t. But either way I’m going to end this post here, because I need to do some more thinking, guessing and figuring.

K then.