Sighinide

Well.

So.

Um… I just watched the trailer for the new Tom & Jerry movie, starring Ms. Moretz. For reference, I’m talking about this trailer, here:

Um.

Well.

Um……

You know…

The thing is…

Chloe looks REALLY good in this trailer, and I’m kinda like… maybe… should I re-think the post, here? I mean, slightly. Because, you know? It’s almost like they made her up in the trailer so she would, you know, appeal to me. Because they did, lol. and DAMN DOES SHE LOOK GOOD, lolllllll.

Um… no. No. No take backs. My girlfriends wouldn’t respect that, anyways. They like… decisiveness. And that’s what an empire requires, anyhow. So, no, I won’t… rethink things. So… no… I can’t… I WON’T… do that. No, the winner stays where she is.

I mean, I held off on being with Kathy today because of this very post, so… yeah. And that is in SPITE of her saying, essentially, that she wanted to see me today in her recent insta live.

So yeah, I have SACRIFICED for this post. So no, no take backs.

So… what do you think the odds are of Chloe seductively saying “Tom” in this movie? Or at least, giving me some coded message about our relationship, using the cat’s name? IDK, but there is a chance. There always is.

Sometimes my girlfriends relish the chance to speak their real minds about me in public, and movies often give them the chance to do so. Case in point: Katherine McNamara in Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn. Remember that one scene of her talking relationship stuff with Tom Sawyer? She got an ecstatic, orgasmic glee from talking about a relationship with “Tom” in that scene, lol. It was fucking hilarious to watch. Check it out on youtube if you can find it.

I also remember Paris Hilton of all people saying “Thanks Tom!” on twitter after fucking her, once. This was like ten years ago. I have it saved somewhere. All evidence is important, you know?

And there were of course other instances of this. I won’t talk about them now, though. Not the point of this post.

Note that this applies to mostly my name. I’m not too sure about people using the names of my family members in their movies alongside depictions of them. That is highly questionable and I judge those things on a case by case basis. I have found instances of this that I do NOT like. I may talk about them, some other day.

But… yeah. So. Maybe I should’ve tied those two, earlier. I mean, if not actually… no. No.

No.

I won’t.

Things are the way they are, and they are that way for a reason, right? Right. So… there.

Right.

God DAMN does she look good, though.

lol

General Stats>

Kathryn Newton- Born Feb. 8th, 1997 (23 years old). Start of relationship: Nov. 21st, 2010. Relationship length: 10 years. Person status: Living, actress. Reason for relationship: Introduced to me by Bella Thorne, her former BFF and my former #1 girlfriend, as a possible match for me.

Chloe Moretz- Born Feb 10th, 1997 (23 years old). Start of relationship: Dec. 23rd, 2010. Relationship length: 9 years, 11 months. Person status: Living, actress. Reason for relationship: Acquaintanceship leading to a mutual realization that our circumstances necessitated a romantic relationship with each other, to keep each other happy.

Analysis>

Let’s have some fun, shall we?

So. I have a lot of girlfriends. And since I do have, you know, “a lot”, I think it perhaps a good idea if I organize my thoughts about them in a coherent way, and then record them. And I want to do it in a way that’s fun. So, let’s play a game, then.

Let’s compare and contrast, and see which of these two girls comes out on top, if in fact either one can.

So… I have been dating Kathy a few days longer than Chloe, which… isn’t remotely relevant, lol. I mean, a decade here, a decade there. So… yeah. Frankly they look evenly matched. Both are extremely pretty and extremely good fits for me, personally. Both are also extremely devoted to our relationships, and have been for a decade and counting, for both. So… no clear victor, at all. Let’s get into the gritty details, then.

Kathy. She’s been a great friend for a very very long time. I’ve had worlds of fun playing with her and her fans over the years, and she’s had at least as much fun with all of this as I have. It’s been a blast guiding her to her current successes. I’ve even navigated her, cruise missile like, to her first #1 starring-role box office success with the recent Freaky. It’s been an incredible ride with her.

Her fans love our relationship. They love it, and understand fully what she is talking about when she says that she “hasn’t had time for a boyfriend”. I mean, they get it, completely, and they know that this is best for everyone, all around.

I started dating Kathy because Bella recommended her to me. See past posts on this blog for more info. But it was those pictures of her and Bella that I found on Just Jared Jr. that really ignited things.

So… the years came, and went, with more to come. #Geokat, the instagram adventures, golfing stuff, her old twitter (which I still have bookmarked in an archive, and yes, last time I checked, that one, solitary picture of her and Bella was still up), Snowball fun, golfing, our mutual (*ahem*) romantic tastes, and all the picture and info hunting… I recently, I mean like in the last few years, found her askfm, lol. Use her old handle, it’s there, you’ll see. And all the other stuff, the coded messages, the tweets, the… everything, you know. GAWD it’s been fucking fun as hell, lol.

Yeah good stuff. We “fit”, her and I.

So. Neat.

I wouldn’t trade my experiences “raising” (should I even put scare quotes in, here?) her for anything. It’s been fun.

To summarize, I am her biggest fan, and she is my biggest fan, too.

Can a relationship be better than this? I don’t know. I suppose it’s possible. Let’s find out, shall we?

Now- Chloe. Unlike Kathy, Chloe was well established in Hollwood before she met me. I mean, Kick-Ass had already come and gone before we started dating. But regardless, we “met” on twitter after I scoped her out.

After a few conversations, she indicated bluntly that she wanted a boyfriend, and that she wanted that person to be me, in particular. I remember her being utterly awed by my telepathic powers and overall intelligence. And, in turn, I just loved, loved her energy; her “vibe”. The connection was electric, and near instantaneous. It was an almost perfect chemistry, and exactly what we were both looking for, in a significant other, at the time.

Chloe was established, but still, needed a mentor, nevertheless. She was still young, and needed an older, more experienced hand to move her along and prompt her to do the right thing, career-wise, on a consistent basis, for many years; and, especially, through the always turbulent and tumultuous teen years. Wikipedia says that the person who did this was her brother. I beg to differ.

I guided Chloe, propping her up when she needed it and slowly expanding her mind and experiences through the years. I grew her, cultivated her, and made her, by molding her subconscious mind on a daily basis like a precious bonsai tree.

And in return, she devoted herself to me, and showered me with what I needed to get through the long days of office drudgery. It was great, what we had; and it still is, and I look forward to what comes next, with her.

Unlike Kathy, Chloe’s relationship with me is more subconscious. So, I don’t have quite as much to “talk about”, since it is based on things the conscious mind has trouble quantifying. Like, you can’t “google” this stuff, since so personal.

But needless to say there is tons of material there that made for lotsa good connections. And truth be told, I relished the challenge with Chloe. Could I make an already successful young girl even more successful? I had to try. That I succeeded, I think dramatically, is another positive in my relationship with Chloe.

With Chloe, the results of our actions were found more in the movies themselves. We connected through scenes and screen captures. And through paparazzi pictures. Kathy of course had few of those, in spite of her stronger social media game. And of course Chloe wins hands down when it comes to event pictures, owing to her many nominations.

In my collection I have many more pictures of Chloe than Kathryn, and that says something very important. But I think the best of Kathryn is slightly more important and personal than the best of Chloe. But only slightly, and maybe even very slightly.

Chloe had more and better fashion shoots and glamour shots. But I think I spent slightly more time talking with Kathy, overall, than Chloe. Slightly.

Neither girl has had a singing career.

Chloe has had a few public “boyfriends”, mostly I believe for publicity purposes. I think her career necessitated that. This does stand in contrast to Kathy’s very public and obvious devotion to me.

Both are I think equally beautiful and talented, and equally charismatic, with Kathy getting a tiny boost since I think her politics on social media are less annoying.

So. All in all, this is a reallllly tough one to call. Really, really tough. It’s almost a coin flip. In fact, maybe it is.

Hmmn… I mean, I hesitate to start these off on a tie, but… maybe that’s my fault, for choosing girls SO CLOSE to each other, to me. But then again, that’s what I wanted, yeah? Hmmn. So.

There is no clear victor, here. I mean, but if I were to prognosticate into the future, even if only slightly…

I very slightly have to give the edge to Kathryn. It’s SO. close, though. We are talking micrometers, here. And even THAT might be an overexaggeration.

Kathryn is the victor, then! All hail Kathryn Newton, winner of the first Girlfriend Wars!

It’s a good thing that my girlfriends are so good at telepathy, now. I mean, I’ve really trained them well.

Yeah… I mean, she’s like, right, right? I need to just kinda get away for a bit. Like, from everything. Because it’s just like… a lot. I need to separate, decompress. I need to be by myself for awhile and just… not even use any electronic device, or anything. You know? Just chill. Because that’s like… so needed, especially by me, lol.

Ok then. I’ll start after lunch. I’ll eat something and then just maybe exercise, and then just get away from glowing screens for awhile.

Yeah, because that would be perfect.

k. Neat.

Thnx Pey.

I just saw Vice’s new breakdown of what they think is the cause of the narcotic plague. It’s this video, here:

As expected from VICE, it basically offers the same analysis that you would expect from a college Sophomore.

It’s just… liberal shit. You know, they’re typical white Democrats. Anyone who has attended a liberal arts university sometime in the past twenty years can I’m sure guess at the video’s message and substance without needing to watch it.

VICE is “accurate”, of course, at least on the few points that you can expect a young, sheltered communications major to be accurate about something like this. But they of course miss the meat of the story, the real causes of the epidemic: 1) the constantly growing divide between the haves and the have nots, 2) the extraordinary and systemic racial alienation of white men, 3) the inability to change the system in any way by anyone who is not Jewish, or supported by Jewish organizations.

Biden, of course, offers no solutions to any of these three overwhelming, civilization destroying problems, of which the narcotic plague is a part.

Liberals are dumb and smallminded of course when it comes to racial problems, especially those suffered by white men- even when those problems are the real cause of problems that eventually are suffered by others, like blacks. Case in point- fentanyl (natch)- invented by white men, abused by white men, turned into a crisis by white men, and now seeping into black communities because of how saturated white America is with it.

Ditto for heroin and pills. Don’t believe VICE when it says this problem originated in the black community. It did not; 80’s and 90’s black America was all about crack and other non-narcotics. Heroin was a white thing until blacks picked it up from them.

And so it goes. The problems of white America, ESPECIALLY those of white men, will soon because the problems of blacks. This is the case for a multitude of reasons, the most obvious one being demographics, but of course there are plenty of others.

Do liberals really believe that if white America dies of fentanyl that black America will be unaffected? Or Mexican America?

If no, why the fuck then do they hate white men so much, and try to sabotage and ruin their lives in the way that they do? The fuck, guys? Ruining white America ruins America for everyone. NOBODY survives, then. Everything fails, everything falls apart, everything dies. You are an utter fool if you cannot see this.

I don’t give a shit what your stupid college professors have told you. They are wrong, and furthermore, they are stupid. They are worthless, ignorant sheep, most of them. And this goes doubly so for any Affirmative Action hires.

We focus, again, on the wrong plague, because we always do. COVID is bullshit, as I have said on here before. The real problem is fentanyl. COVID is fiction, it is a tool of the oligarchs, it only affects the old, it is nonsense. If it is even real it is not a pandemic. The REAL pandemic is of course opioids.

Like, obviously.

COVID is made up; a fairy tale invented by the government so it can pretend to be competent by “fixing” it. Well, that, and it’s yet another avenue for big pharma to harvest profits off the dead corpse of our nation. And of course a method of control for an out of control, power hungry government bent on controlling every part of everyone’s life, forever, because it is too greedy and selfish to just leave everyone the fuck alone.

Fuck COVID. And fuck the retards who think it is important. BECAUSE IT ISN’T. YOU STUPID, WORTHLESS FUCKHEADS. YOU ARE ALL MORONS! Liberals- that goes doubly for you.

A Biden administration means “open borders” which means streets flooded with fentanyl. It means death, for the USA. It will be this nation’s grave. It will ruin the world, and destroy all that is good in it. It will be the worst calamity to ever befall this planet of ours.

There is no hiding from this. You either fight and kill what is happening now, or die later.

From where I sit, I choose to fight. Hence this post.

Choose your own fate. But make no mistake- you MUST choose. Fight and kill, or die. Those are your choices, here.

Pick your future wisely.

It’s like everything’s so wrong, and it’s like it will never be right again.

Like, I feel so cold, and so WARM, at the same time. Like, it doesn’t even make sense.

NONE of this makes sense.

And I’m trapped. I can’t stop MOVING and twitching. Everything burns, except for the parts of me that are frozen. My eyes burn, my arms burn, my chest burns. My hands are stiff and cold. My toes are frozen solid. My knees are shivering, my thighs are BURNING. Everything is all messed up. I can’t STOP this. I don’t know what to do but take more fentanyl.

I seriously don’t know what to even do. I don’t know, and it’s scary.

Saw more youtube videos today about this. They kinda helped, but mostly, they just scared me more. I don’t want to end up on the streets. I don’t want to die. But I don’t know what to do.

I just need some HELP, god damn it! Fuck. And I don’t have a lot of money so I need it to be free.

Or- I need to kill myself. One of the two, either way, I need OUT of this.

It’s like, I’ve lost my patience.

I can’t take 6 months of feeling like this. I mean, does it get better? Ever? Hello? Anyone? I KNOW you’re reading this.

Ah fuck, I mean, everything that equalized because I took more fentanyl. Yay? Is that good? I suspect not, right?

So what do I do, then? What the hell am I supposed to do?

I don’t wanna die. I mean, you know, not really.

FUCK.

Ouch, though. Ow, god damn it. It just HURTS. God DAMN this!

FUCK this! How long have been “tapering” now? Two months? And it feels like I’ve gotten nowhere!!

I take less, but I feel no better! And in fact, I feel WORSE!

Gods, it’s been TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!

How the fuck long is this supposed to even take?!?!?!?!

This is utterly preposterous, absolutely ridiculous. Unfair beyond belief.

2 fucking months of careful patience and daily planning and meditation and prayer and venting and exercise and EVERYTHING ELSE and I feel WORSE. Fuck the fucking fuck is this shit?

Why even bother? What is the point of even trying?

This is such a fucking joke that I can’t even believe it.

God FUCK THIS.

I need to kill myself. Yeah- that would work. That alone is my way out of this prison. There is nothing else, can never be anything else. Suicide is all there is to get away from this.

No point in even trying anything else, really.

Fuck.

Ok god damn it I can’t TAKE this anymore. I mean I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been tired of talking about drugs but I can’t take it anymore, I need to vent so badly.

I mean I can’t TAKE this anymore. It’s so Ahhhh FUCK, I REALLY need to get high, ugh, god damn, this tapering shit fucking sucks, help, ah jeez this SUCKS, ahhh, help me, please, someone help me, fuck, ugh, FUCK.

So yeah the other day I wrote this as a (very) rough draft and then was like… no. And I stepped away, thinking I prolly just needed some time alone. So yeah, I won’t even bother to read it, here it is

—————————————

Ah, another post in the familiar vein (heh), yes indeed, another. FUCK, I need to get high.

And yeah, I know, please don’t turn away yet, I just so need to VENT like… AH, fuck, I need some more drugs, I need them, they are good for me, so good, and I HATE confronting life without their beautiful, protective cover.

I still feel the fentanyl in my veins, caressing me, loving me, helping me know and be me, but I feel so much the onrushing horror of not having used in a whole day as well. I mean… not having used as much, you know? Which is basically the same, almost, as not having used at all. Mostly. Well, in the ways that matter.

I NEED fentanyl. Again. So much, so powerfully, my heart isn’t right without it, my soul doesn’t…

Ah, FUCK. My hands are acting up and shaking as I type this. Fuck. Ah, FUCK. GOD DAMN. Fuck. FUCK. Ah, FUCK. This SUCKS. AHHHH GAWD DAMN, lol. Ah, FUCK.

Nothing feels right, I really need more, and like a LOT more, but FUCK, it’s like late, you know? And I need to get to bed, and I have stuff to do tomorrow. Fuck. Ah, FUCK, I feel like I need to convulse again, lol.

FUCK. Gawd I need more fentanyl. Fuck.

FUCK, AHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDD this sucks, fuck this, I fucking hate this, I need some fentanyl NOW, like RIGHT NOW, so badly, FUCK. Ah, FUCK. I need it… ah, fuck me, this sucks.

I can’t scream. I wish I could. This is ridiculous, I feel like I’m burning inside, AHH fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

—————————————

So yeah, there. Fuck this, god damn it, someone shoot me, I want out of this shitty, shitty life. Ah god damn it, ah jeezus fuck, my hands just won’t stop fucking shaking. Ah, god DAMN this feels really really bad.

Fuck this “tapering” shit. Fuck it all to hell, it fucking sucks. What a prison all of this is.

Absolutely inhuman, this stuff is. Absolutely. There is no way OFF of this stuff. You just can’t do it.

Ah fuck, this SUCKS. Ah, god DAMN it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this HURTS, AAAAHHHHHHHHH fuck FUCK THIS.

God damn it, my brain is splitting open, ah, FUCK. This SUCKS. Fuck me, ah, god, how horrible. How monstrous and unfair. This life is no good, no good like this, at all.

I need more drugs, more fentanyl. I need and fuck I swear I’ll kill to get it I SWEAR, lol. Well… maybe, maybe not. FUCK.

Ah, my hands, ahhhhh FUCK they hurt. And my feet, and my everything. God this sucks.

Fuck me.

Um, I don’t even know why I’m typing this, lol. I’m just… IDK, thinking about stuff.

IDK, Thanksgiving came and went and I every year I like to stop and take stock of things after the holiday.

This year I feel… awful, lol. Dreadful, lonely, disappointed, left out, and… miserable. This sucks; I hate it.

Yeah, truthfully, Thanksgiving kinda sucked this year. Yeesh, the holidays are just brutal as fuck if you celebrate them alone, or even with the not-customary family set. They really suck; you always feel left out.

God this sucks. This place is such a dreadful country. There doesn’t seem to be anyplace that really offers happiness. At least, as far as I can see, or reach. Fuck this place.

God I can’t wait to fucking die, lol. Yeah would THAT be nice. Ughk.

I swear to God this country has the worst leaders on Earth. They just create so much misery, and disappointment. It’s almost as if it’s in their job descriptions, or something.

I mean come on, you shitheads. All you politicians, and big business leaders. God do you people fucking suck. You are all selfish, stupid, greedy assholes, all of you. I truly hate you all, each and every one of you; I would love nothing more than to see someone feed every millionaire in this country into a woodchipper. I don’t buy much, anymore, but I would buy tickets to THAT, lol.

Big tech, especially. No- banking. No, the media. lol, ALL of them. I hate you all, truly and to the core of my being. Fuck you all.

But- back to the topic at hand- I just didn’t enjoy Thanksgiving. I wonder if I ever will again, considering the way society is going. I suppose Christmas is next on the chopping block, and then, probably the rest of our holidays, mostly, because the rich don’t like them, and everything they don’t like, they try to destroy, because they hate EVERYTHING, it seems.

My hate is reciprocal. They started it.

But like… yeah. Fuck this Thanksgiving. It sucked.

There was one interesting / good point about Thanksgiving, though, and I might expound upon it more, later. I decided to watch the anime Overlord over the course of the holiday and wow, if that wasn’t completely and surprisingly based on my experiences playing the Avernum series IDK what to say, lol. I mean, I was just like, sitting there and watching it, lol, and then… BAM, it hit me. This is… Avernum! Holy shit! I… will expound upon this later, I think. I think I need to, concerning my history. It ties into some posts I made here, a long, long time ago. It’s crazy how this stuff just seems to continually loop around, for me.

But- I will get into that, later, when I have more time.

k, bye for now.

100 posts, here. And I don’t know what to say in “celebration” of this.

I don’t… want to go back. To normal life. I can’t, I’ve been out for too long.

I… can’t even envision a life anymore that doesn’t revolve around drugs. I mean, for me.

Like I don’t even know what I could do, or where I could even go.

I mean I don’t want to be a statistic but… I just… I don’t know.

Like, I don’t know if I’m even brave enough to walk away from the drugs and be like… a normal person. It’s like, that would be so… difficult, and weird. And I would hate it, because to do that would be to admit how flawed I really am as a person. It would be to admit how dumb I was in living this life and making so. MANY. Mistakes.

I don’t want to admit that. I mean, to face up to what a colossal fuckup I really am. I just can’t. I can’t do that, no way.

God, I don’t know what hurts more, these days. The drugs, my various illnesses, or this godawful emotional pain that seems to underpin all of it.

I don’t know what to do. It’s like, even if I got off the drugs, I would probably still get back on, right? Because of this other stuff, especially the emotional stuff. Fuck me.

I don’t want to live without drugs. I don’t; I can’t. I can’t go back to being that person I was, before. I just can’t. I mean, I hated that person. I mean, my girlfriends seemed to like him, but… I… didn’t. I guess.

Or maybe I’m making excuses to continue being a junkie, I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Maybe I fucked up in not seeking professional help for this.

Yeah… maybe.

Fuck.

It’s like I don’t even care about my girlfriends anymore, lol.

I mean, I don’t get photoshoots or premieres anymore, you know, so it’s like… what’s the point? I mean, even the movies have dried up. So it’s like… that’s just not much out there, anymore, that would truly interest me.

So I have fentanyl, then.

So I’ll make THAT my new girlfriend, since it does indeed love me, I mean, I can FEEL it, lol.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, god it hurts, lol.

God I’m dumb.

Fuck me, what a waste of a life. I mean I had such promise, lol. And look at what I’ve become. Ughk, this sucks. I mean, I don’t want to just end up yet another casualty, but… I… I’m like, already there, lol. I mean I just can’t do it, you know?

Fuck.

I just feel so lost. It’s like there is no way out of this. It’s a maze without an exit. I can’t get out. I’m trapped.

This sucks.

I’m dead, lol.

Fuck.