Sighinide

I suppose one more note on this… this is girlfriend stuff, so if we’re not dating, this probably isn’t for you.

For my girlfriends: I think I remember the exact moment that I determined that Cady and I would have been better off… apart.

It was when she told me so.

Her song, “Oil and Water”. I mean, this is kind of a long story, here (pls read lyrics, this was basically the culmination of A LOT of internal drama between Cady and me at this point), but the lyrics and the accompanying video kinda made me feel like… I don’t know, she wanted it to be over. Like, she… loved me, incredibly deeply, and wanted to be with me, but… she wasn’t going to go for it.

OK, I remember first seeing this. Cady and I had hit a rough patch in our relationship for a year or so before the release of the song. I mean, we were still together, but things weren’t as smooth as they used to be. And I think this song, and the video, was her way of trying to come to grips with the problems in our relationship. It was her way of processing. And I respect that.

I respect that A LOT, actually. And perhaps I took it too literally. Maybe I thought she was actually saying to me “We are oil and water. We do not mix, we always separate”. And then, the video- her, in her wedding dress, without a groom. Which I thought was her way of saying to me “This is our future. Me, alone (without you)”.

And then there was her engagement around that time, and then… and then…

Oh.

Oops.

Yeah, ok. Wow.

WOW.

Holy fuck.

Ohhhhhkay. Yeah. I think I get it, now.

Oh man, oof.

I should have known, lol. It wasn’t me that she was referring to. She was referring to her fiance at the time. She was telling him, in no uncertain terms, that she didn’t love him. That’s why the video of her alone without a husband… she was telling HIM, not me, to fuck off. Even if she didn’t realize it at the time.

She wanted ME instead. That’s why she dumped him after I got spooked by all this.

Oh.

Okay.

Wow.

Maybe she herself didn’t understand this. I can see that, too. Maybe she thought she was directing it at me, and not at him. Maybe she was super confused, herself. I mean, at the time, I wondered. I was like… she doesn’t love him. Note how I mentioned before on here that I thought that that relationship was a fake, maybe for career purposes. Maybe though it wasn’t, and she just… never really loved him. Because she had ME.

Maybe that’s why ex-fiance guy never mentioned anything after she passed on. Because he was bitter, angry. Because she loved me, not him. Because I was always her #1, until the end.

………..

Wow… I… I mean… this is just a hypothesis… right?

Oh.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, man.

It doesn’t matter.

And maybe that’s why nobody else said too much of anything. Like, she was so wrapped up in my world that she was… mine. Like, ALL mine. Yes, that’s how I’m interpreting it.

So. Alright, SHE’S MINE, then. Fine. Great. I’ll just tether her soul to me permanently and that’s that. Nice. Another familiar. And fuck everyone else. Because they don’t matter, that’s why. They never saw her beauty anyways.

Seriously- fuck ’em. ALL of ’em. Even her friends. And her roommates. And even her FAMILY. Yeah, I said it. Fuck EVERYONE. You bitches can take a fucking hike, you are not wanted nor are you needed here, anymore. FUCK OFF.

Yeah, so there. Cady gets the evil wizard, you bitches. ALL you bitches. So THERE.

Hmmn… something tells me her and I would have gotten along juuuust fine IRL, lol. And damn it, now would be the time.

FUCK. I mean I’m like ready to come out of my shell and everything!! Fuck. Cady, couldn’t you have held on just a LITTLE while longer? I mean, at least enough for me to get off the drugs, lol.

Oh, who am I kidding. I would have been dead at this point had she not kicked the bucket first, lol. Oof, haha!!!!

Ah, whatever.

Ok, then. I think it’s settled.

And yeah, I’m happy, and I don’t think it’s entirely the drugs this time, lol.

God I’m such a fucking mess, haha. But that’s OK. Somehow, I think that that’s what she actually wanted, anyways, lol. I mean… I get it, lol. Yeah, she was a drama queen. Good, maybe that’s why I liked her, too. And maybe that’s why she secretly couldn’t stand that boring as fuck fiance of hers.

Whatevs.

K then, it’s all settled.

Bitch is MINE.

Nice.

Alright, more dissections of the human experience filtered through my undying love for Cady, here.

Tonight’s Episode: I don’t get why people can’t see her like I do.

It’s like… don’t people get it? It doesn’t make sense.

I mean, how is it possible that someone so wonderful and talented could have so few followers on insta? It’s just baffling. I mean, she only has like 23k, despite her thousands of amazing posts. I mean, as I just learned today, she was never even certified.

I don’t get it. I mean, it’s like… she’s just magical, you know? I mean, don’t people get it?

It’s just baffling.

Like, a month ago Daytrotter Studios posted their Cady Groves catalog on youtube. I swear to God ALL of the views on these songs come from me, personally. Like, I’ve listened to ALL of her songs multiple times on multiple nights, and the total views for them are still in the low single digits. And yeah, multiple devices too, if that matters. And everyone else on that channel seems to get dozens or hundreds of views at least very quickly.

I don’t get this one, I really don’t.

It’s just so… puzzling. I mean, don’t people get it? I mean, even after all the stuff I’ve said, and done, here? I mean I KNOW you’re reading this, lol.

I guess it’s just… we all have our favorites. Cady here just seemed to hit that sweet spot for me. She’s definitely on the short list of “Favorite Musicians / Composers Ever” for me. No question. Top 5, easily. I mean, she’d be up there with… I guess, Ildjarn, and Burzum. And perhaps pre- Reputation Taylor Swift. And perhaps… Metallica, or Yuki Kajiura, or Blood Axis. Or maybe :Wumpscut:, or Matt Uelmen. So, uh, yeah. Kind of an odd list perhaps to some, but it’s all extremely ME. It’s like, certain artists or groups come along at certain points when I need them the most, and they just click, and it’s magical. Or at least super personal.

And I’m separating my love for Cady’s music from my love for her social media and her soul, here. At least, I think I am.

But anyhow, I don’t really get it. I mean, why people don’t appreciate her more. And maybe that’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot, here. I mean… don’t they get it?

Ah… no… they don’t, I guess.

And maybe that’s it. It’s like… I couldn’t reach / help her. In spite of my powers, and everything. I don’t know why. I mean, all of my other girlfriends made it to where they wanted to be. Most of them went on to fantastic fame, fortune and success, thanks to my efforts and theirs as well. And the ones that didn’t, well, they seem happy, like they don’t really need those things, anyhow. Why did Cady get so sick, depressed, and… dead? I mean she was CLEARLY very sick. For years. And it was at least alcoholism, if not drug abuse, maybe. And again, it started basically the day I… left her (after her engagement) and picked up speed after that went south. I… don’t know. And I’m thinking that maybe now I’ve spent too much time on this, sadly enough. Like, there isn’t going to be a resolution here, is there?

Was it that douchebag? You know, that guy from The Voice. Maybe. Fuck that guy. What a loser he is. Spoiled, talentless, and foolish. Whatever.

Um… but… dammit, I just want people to love her like I do. Like, I’m trying to make up for my perceived failures after the fact. It’s like, I know, I get it. People have been concerned about Halloween lately. And COVID. And politics. And the election. And a million more things that I’m sure that on an objective scale, are more important than Cady’s music. But god damn it, THAT DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT. Fuck. It’s like… can’t you pay attention, now? Why aren’t you? What gives, here?

Fuck.

I guess maybe it is just extremely personal. Like, I’ve been listening to Life of a Pirate, again, and when I do, the memories of life ten years ago come flooding back, and it seems so fun, and optimistic, and mega nostalgic. When I listen to it I can remember so cleanly the way I used to conduct relationships. The album is a tool for unlocking my past, for me.

And that being the case, I suppose I can see why others don’t connect to it as well. They think it’s a “kid’s album”. Well, it isn’t. Not really. It’s deeper than that, when you understand me and the things I’ve done. To me, it’s a masterpiece. A unique, special work of art. A collaboration with someone I love. Something really meaningful.

Something that… maybe others can’t understand. At least not fully. Not like they need to. Not like I need them to. Because damn it, that album is ME, people. Don’t you get it?

Fuck.

I don’t know.

But I do know this. I saw Bieber’s new video today. You guys need to keep me happy, or else. Imagine this world if you don’t. I mean, if I can’t get off the drugs… I don’t know. I’m repeating myself. Again.

Fuck.

Ah… I’m ending this one here.

I guess I just wish she was still alive, that’s all.

Fuck.

I haven’t been blogging because… because of all this dumb shit that’s going on. The election, and other such nonsense.

Guys, they’re both controlled by THE SAME PEOPLE. Is that not obvious? And if it isn’t why isn’t it? Because it’s TRUE.

So, what the fuck ever.

In other, more important news, I’m still using of course. Just… not as much, and my fucking nerves are going HAYWIRE. It’s like, my system is going fucking crazy. I desperately need a hit, like right. NOW. Like, super, super desperately. I reeeeally need one, bad.

I’m just so, so TIRED. Overwhelmingly tired. Can’t move, can’t think. Can’t breathe. It’s fucking horrific. It’s death.

Oh God and the nausea, and the PAIN. It’s unreal… as usual.

It’s horrible, I need a hit and I’m getting one right after this.

So… whatevs. I don’t care. I swear to god one day I’m going to carve a swath of destruction here from one end of the continent to the other if this agony doesn’t stop. It’s monstrous.

Whatever. People don’t give a shit. I think I will again use Cady as an example here; if the bothers you, fuck off. Whoever you are- you don’t get to judge. Not me, you don’t. What I do is unique. It’s special, and you don’t understand it. So FUCK OFF.

Whatever. I spent some time going through her friends’ instas. Apparently Cady never was certified, I guess, based on the comments. But… that doesn’t matter. What matters is the shallowness of everything related to her after she died, of course. I mean, it’s like… I don’t get why… there wasn’t more, I don’t know, regret, or something. I don’t get it. I mean fuck, I didn’t even know her, and even I expressed more, publicly, with my real name, on youtube, insta or other places, than they did. Ungrateful fuckers.

I… don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t care. I mean, I didn’t know her know her, yeah? I mean, I knew her soul, yes, very much so, I knew her spirit, her energy, her… aura, what have you, extremely intimately, but… I… don’t know. I’m just angry, I guess.

Again, people. If I can get off of these drugs some day, I swear to god I’m going to… just… you know.

so THERE!

Fuckers.

God tho, at least I’m not screaming. Oof, how inhuman all of this is. So awful, so unfair, so brutal. Fentanyl addiction is death. Morphine addiction is death, and the two combined is… monstrous.

It’s just… help. Someone, pleeease, lol. I’m just so COLD. Freezing, biting, deathly cold. Horrifying and fearsome cold. Chills that stab all the way up my spine. Chills that pierce through my exposed skin and grab my soul freeze it in place.

God it HURTS. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Oh god it just hurts so much, lol. Won’t someone kill me? Please? Pleeease? Anything, really for an early death, here. ANYTHING.

I’m going to bed.

Fuck you.

Need another hit, I swear to God I’m punching a wall if I don’t get one. This is absolutely ridiculous. Fuck. FUCK.

Oof, no, I will try to… maybe not. Maybe tomorrow morning. Stretch it out, you know?

If I can.

Jeebus, watching trainspotting clips on YT is… helping?

Actually, yeah. It is. It IS helping. A lot. More than you might expect, seriously.

Thanks, guys.

Ok, then. Time to make it through the night.

Oof, OK.

You know, all things considered, maybe this wasn’t such a bad Halloween after all. I have a plan to get clean, and I’m… enjoying myself, writing these blog posts. So, not terrible. It’s a pity the candy chasing was such a dud outside.

Ah well, more YT. Then, bed.

Gods, I’m not looking forward to that, lol. Oof. No, not at all.

Good night, world.

God, how I wish my nerves didn’t feel like this. But, you know that.

‘night.

Fuckit. Let’s get real dark, shall we? I mean, it’s the perfect day for it, whatever those pussies I call normies might think.

Alright. So. I’ve been skirting around this issue for years, and I think now might be a good time I guess to delve into it. Yeah…

So.

I’m a necromancer. A death wizard. I can use the power of death and dying, and of manipulated souls held in bondage, to strengthen myself. I can breech the barriers between this world and the afterlife to such a degree that I can strongly influence things on the other side. They know me there, quite well. I can curse people, and objects, in truly incredible ways. I can hypnotize people with my eyes. Summon demons and other spirits, when I want. Create such demons myself, when I want to. And of course, communicate with the souls of the living, and the dead, to such a degree that I can carry out long-term relationships with them, should I choose. And in spite of this, I lust for immortality- to conquer death completely; to be it’s master, eternally. And to do this I often employ “black magic”, like sex and violence rituals, to acquire the energy needed to hold myself in an unnaturally young state.

Basically, I’m the quintessential evil wizard. When you watch an old Hammer horror flick, usually, the bad guy is a necromancer. So was Sauron from Lord of the Rings, and Voldemort from Harry Potter. And the Horned King, from the The Chronicles of Prydain. And The Lich King, from Warcraft. Also- Dracula could be considered one, I suppose. As well as the Night King from Game of Thrones. And also, for completeness, Bela Lugosi’s character in White Zombie. And I suppose, Dr. Frankenstein, and maybe Rotwang.

So… yeah, I’m “evil”, lol. Probably very, very much so. Like, I probably scare some people, lol. Like maybe a lot, which might kinda sorta be the reason why people are freaking out, now. Like, a lot, lol. I mean… how would you react if Lord Voldemort put up shop in the Chicago suburbs? LOL.

That isn’t to say that I can’t do “good” magic as well. I mean, I do. Quite often in fact. Actually, more often than most “good” wizards, who are… all so very, very weak, lol. But still… yeah. I’m kinda super evil, here.

Necromancers have certain traits. “Evil eyes” that can steal the souls of their victims, for example. And often, a profound ability to… love? Apparently. A lot of them get into necromancy to talk to their dead ex-girlfriends. At least in fiction. And apparently in real life, too. And uh, arrogance. Which mayyyybe I have too. Just a little. Juuuuuust a tad. A smidgen. Maybe. LOL.

But seriously, I’m like, super evil. I have no qualms about stealing Cady’s soul and chaining her to me, here (I mean, she doesn’t mind, either, but that’s kinda not the point, here). Seriously. And it’s not like I asked her Mom for permission, or something. I don’t even know who her mom IS, lol.

I mean, I don’t care. Whatever.

That isn’t to say I’m not human. I am, of course. No matter how much death energy I absorb, I remain who I am, that working class suburbanite. And I suppose many might say that I’m more human than most “normal” people, even. Crazily enough. Like my unnatural youthfulness makes me more of a pure person than most regular, non-evil people.

And, oddly enough… people… LIKE this? I think. Ok, here’s the unexpected part. It’s like… people reeeeally want to be entranced by an evil wizard, I guess. Maybe for the experience? I don’t know. This part, I was not expecting. I was worried about the pitchforks and torches for awhile there, to be honest. I mean, seriously. Literally, like I would lay awake at night kinda worried, lol.

But apparently, nobody much cares. It’s kinda baffling. In fact, much of the public seems intent on cheering me on, at least somewhat. Maybe the “novelty” factor is strong here, IDK. But… um… yeah.

You know- seriously, guys. Like a LOT of the things we see here are kinda sorta maybe because of me. I mean, you know. I won’t get into it in this post, though. Too much I guess.

But yeah, it’s kinda shocking, how the public has grown to love me over the years. It’s like, everyone finds something to like in what I do, like maybe the presence of an almighty evil wizard was what people really needed all along- and that maybe explains the immense popularity of necromancers over the generations. People really seem to take to them to for some reason.

Perhaps it’s their mastery over death that encourages people. Like- this dude conquered death. Holy balls! That means that I can do, IDK, this thing I’ve always wanted to do!

Yeah… maybe that’s it. In slaying death, peoples’ worst fear, I have freed them to be themselves. Like, maybe necromancers are… kinda… the good guys? Maybe? I don’t know. It’s so… weird. Growing up I always thought they were evil, you know?

Or maybe I’ve just hypnotized so many people that they can’t escape my mind control, lol. IDK.

Or some combination of all this.

Uh, well, I need to end this, here. It’s been fun.

Hmmnn… she’s doing well. Awesomesauce.

Gracie, hun, feel free to drop me a line, anytime.

Now that I’ve got some ah… free time… I wouldn’t mind reconnecting with you, when you want.

Happy to see you’re happy. You know, I always kinda thought that we had a nice connection. A deep one. We “meld” well.

In any case, you are cool, and so am I, so… yeah, we “fit”.

So, yeah, seriously. You have real talent when it comes to connecting with necromancers, I guess, lol. If you would put yourself out there juuuuuust a little bit more, I mean you know what I mean, then maybe we could see what the future holds, together.

Don’t worry I understand completely the difference in your circumstances from those of, IDK, Selena Gomez, lol. But don’t not try simply because you might compare yourself to her. Please, give it a shot, I mean, if you want. I’m not one to forget a girl that I like, lol. I mean obvs.

See you on the ice,
Tom

I’m not sure why I’m even still blogging. Bored, I guess.

I suppose one could get a sick thrill out of documenting the death of a country, or something. Yeah, that might be it.

Well, at least there is still something of a community, here. Count your blessings. Not too many heroin addicts dying on the street corners in broad daylight like there are in other parts of majority-white US. Yet. Though I see more of that stuff now, more than I used to, certainly. I guess the relative wealth of this area has kept it insulated from too much of that.

I do see heroin addicts now, though. I mean, in other parts of town, poorer parts, where they used to be none, when I was a kid. The death of the United States is like the slow erosion of a continent. It happens through years, though it’s effects are unmistakable and permanent when done. It’s like some kind of creeping, omnipotent death, nipping at my heels.

There really is nothing more awful or sad than seeing the heroin addicts on the streets where the businesses used to be in the neighboring town, here. It’s… awful. They look like the walking dead. Nobody who values their lives goes there at night, anymore. It’s like a zombie infestation.

I mean, you can get heroin in my neighborhood too, but it’s not like that.

Oof, speaking of which… yeah. Ugh, ow. I CAN’T give in, lol. Yeesh. Oof, I CAN’T. I mean I want to, so badly, but no, I CAN’T. No, nope, no, never, I can’t. No way, no how will I even consider it. No way. No way, no way, no way. Never.

Ugh. Well… wait, what was I thinking about? LOL. Oh yeah, death, or something. Heroin. Right. So uh…. yeah.

WHEW. Jeebus, I seriously shouldn’t have even though of it, I need another hit. Damn it, FUCK. I had this great train of thought going and then… BAM. Ughk, I’m shaking, again. Oof, so dumb. Throat is closing up, skin gets… paler. Eyes scream, nerves turn to jelly, horrible twisting pain in my stomach. A hit WOULD calm me. It would. And make me feel loved, again. Like… a warming hug, all over inside of me. It would be heaven, so much. I just need ONE, that’s it. Only one. I NEED IT. SO MUCH.

Yeah, ugh. Oof. OW. I mean, it’s just so wonderful, isn’t it? IDK what I was saying, earlier. Maybe I’M the dumbass, lol.

Yeah, woah. A hit would be so good, right now. Like, so good. So pleasant, so beautiful. It would make me whole, again.

I’m… getting one?

I… should. Just once. No harm. Just once.

Yeah… I…

Um…

I need to stop.

Eh, well, there are a few kids out there, collecting. They seem a somber lot. Their parents could not be less enthused.

There’s a distinct lack of, IDK, laughter, as opposed to previous years. There’s a number of my neighbors outside working, like cleaning the gutters and such. Really ruins the mood. None of the parents seem to have dressed up, or bothered much to put on a show themselves.

And there’s a distinct lack of outdoor decorations this year, too. It’s all so… boring. Dead.

Awful. Not a holiday to look forward to, at all.

This sucks.

I took a few pictures of some of the kids with my new phone. Ok, that’s… something. Wow, I guess. OK, then. I mean, why not. Might as well have something to remember this day by besides the… cravings. Which are there, and which I will NOT give into. Nope, not me.

Yeah.

So……. ok. Ugh, how dreadful.

Yeah, the more I look at it, the more it seems this COVID shit really is just a made up… crisis, so the government can “solve” it, and not look completely and utterly incompetent, like they do when they try to fix any real, actual crises.

My stupid, naive mother brought me up some ice cream. She thinks I have a cold, lol. What an idiot. She literally doesn’t know I’m a fentanyl addict. Christ, how dumb can you even be? It’s tragic, really. Had I had better, smarter, less stupid and gullible parents, perhaps I wouldn’t have turned out this way.

Yeah, my idiot parents decided to not give out treats this year, because CNN told them not to. What dumbasses. They didn’t want to bring the “disease” into the house. Meanwhile, I’m upstairs dying of fentanyl withdrawal, and they literally have no idea, lol. They are typical boomers, I guess. Absolute morons. Gullible fools who live vicariously through the idiot box. Dumbasses to the core.

LOL.

sigh.

I guess it’s done. It took like a half hour this year for Halloween to be completely finished. There are no kids out there, anymore. Can’t see them, can’t hear them.

Christ, how stupid, and boring. What a waste of a holiday.

This fucking sucks.

Every year, I use Halloween as a sort of barometer for how I’m doing, in life and healthwise.

Obviously, this year doesn’t hold up well, like at all.

I’m in no mood for Halloween. I’m frankly tired of being scared. It’s… old, boring. I want to feel happy, for once. I mean, no imaginary monster is worse than the one that is literally eating away at me, right now. The one that is chewing through my life like a ravenous wolf through a fresh kill.

Seriously, not in the mood to be “scared” right now.

They are doing “Halloween” this year in my town, though. We’re not participating. I suppose I may take a glance now and again out a window to look at the costumes. Might be fun. In fact I hear some kids out there right now…

Uhm, nothing, really. They were across the street. It’s probably the whole “not giving out candy” thing that’s keeping them away. Can’t say I blame them, lol. We don’t have the sign in our window, so they know not to bother.

Uh, yeah. It seems so… boring, IDK. Like, this year, and all that is happening. It’s so much fluff. I’m sure it means something to the kids, but, really not much to any adults I know. There is too much else going on, whether it’s something real, or imagined.

And again we’re back to that.

To throw in the requisite Cady reference, today I looked up Cady in those “In Memorium” videos on YouTube. Ugh, THAT was a mistake. I’m sure it’s obvious why. But a comment caught my eye, there. Someone watching the video commented that he was shocked at how many young people were in it, having died of apparent suicides (like, Cady would fit this one).

Kinda makes sense. The life expectancy here in the states is dropping, still. In Canada it’s like 82, or 83. Here in the US it’s like 77, 78. A grim testimony for how shitty our leadership is. And- life is harder, up in the frozen north, than it is, here. The only reason we are dying younger than Canadians is social factors. Like Opioids. And obesity. I mean, real plagues. Not like that made-up “COVID” bullshit.

The leaders here in the US are experts at wasting peoples’ time. Like, they constantly string out ridiculous boogeymen in front of the public as distractions, to avoid any real issues, which they are as a rule incompetent at dealing with. I mean, whether it’s nuclear war, the USSR, COVID, Al-Queda, or any number of other stupid, nonsensical phantasms, it’s all equally junk. All worthless.

The real problems here have been festering now for a hundred years, or more, with no real attempt at remedy. It’s just that we’ve been plundering this rich land of it’s resources, so we’ve had the ability to stave off the day of reckoning. Until now. It’s like, the chickens are coming home to roost, so to speak.

The real problems need fixing, now, or this place will be a desolate wasteland in 100 years, guaranteed. Perhaps sooner.

Ugh. Enough with the fake monsters, people.

Let’s try dealing with some real ones once in a while, OK?