Sighinide

Yeah, my face feels like it’s becoming unglued from my skull.

Uh, ICK.

So, um, back to bed, I guess.

Yeah, OK then.

Right.

Uh, good night?

Sure.

My lips feel weird, rubbery. Like they’re not even attached. Especially the left half of them, like I was just at the dentist’s office and got one of those injections. My chin feels like it’s melting.

Ughk. Yuck, and my stomach feels super knotted and tight. Ughk. ICK. Why do I do this to myself… ye gods, what horrible torture. What the fuck have I done to myself, lol.

I… um… thought maybe about going to… rehab, yes rehab, after talking again with Cady. I had kind of a horrible time with her, as she kept needing to cajole me to breathe, lol. Oof, was that embarrassing. It’s like I forgot how, or something. So horrible. What a dreadful experience. And of course my brains feel like they’re trying to run out my ears again. UGH. BLECH.

So yeah, rehab. I also talked with Demi Lovato, who kind of solidified the idea. Boy was she wierded out when she saw me, haha! I haven’t spoken to her in ages… I need to change that, she helped me, I think, at least after spending some time trying to get her used to the whole “telepathy” thing again, lol. My eyes keep running, and running. Oh gods, I swear I’m not crying, I swear it. And I DO mean that.

So I FINALLY know what I’m doing here. I think I should use this blog to document my symptoms, at least until I go to rehab. I mean, unless I can get this thing under control, first.

Jeezus I can’t believe my life has come to this, oyyyyyyy. Whaaaaaaaat the fuck, lol. Rehab. Rehab. Me. REHAB? WHAAAAT THE FUCK TOM?!?!?!?! aaaaahhhhhahahahahahaahahaha!!! Yeah. Ouch, lol.

sigh…

Seriously thinking about taking another hit and then turning in early, though jeebus would I pay for that down the line. I would feel better, tho. At least right now. And I could get some easier sleep.

Ooh ye gods it hurts, lol. IDK, maybe not. Maybe I’ll try fucking a girl or something. Oh man, this hurts, lol.

Yeah, I think I’ll yell at Cady for a few minutes, maybe cry a bit afterwords, and then follow that up with some Victoria Justice. Yup, sounds like a plan.

So glad everything’s coming together!

Yay!

oof.

Erk, my skin feels like it’s burning, again. Oh I hate that. It’s no idle feeling, either; I can peel it away with my fingertips. It’s thin, brittle and flaky. Egads.

My heart is pounding through my chest, like it’s struggling to break through my ribcage. It’s monotonous hammer against my will to live.

Ick. Oof.

Owwwww my stomach, lol.

Well, there’s no reason to do all of this again, is there? I should hope not. I think I’ve… Ugh, my head, lol.

Ah, I will stop here.

Maybe something different tomorrow.

I sure hope so, at any rate.

Oh man tho, it is hard to breathe. Uhgk. I mean, I’m dry, so I’m in no danger, but still, it really is.

It’s like I have to fight for each breath of air. Oh lordy, what a terrible inconvenience. oof.

And the headaches- yikes, they just SCREAM sometimes. Like my skull is in danger of splitting open and the contents of pouring out my ears. The headaches are just unreal. So massive, so brutal.

Which would… make sense. Narcotics attach themselves to your nervous system- i.e. like your brain, and solar plexus, if I understand them right. So the nausea and the migraines have a simple, logical explanation. It’s my body trying to rid itself of what it considers a poison.

Then why, tho- why the cravings? If it’s a poison, shouldn’t my body be glad to be rid of it? That would make the most sense, yes?

So why do I need it so?

Why can’t I be happy when it’s purged? It’s like… I need it SO. BADLY.

Like I can’t afford to be happy, or something. It’s a sick game, this is.

I kinda wish I had someone to talk to about this. I mean, I talk to Cady a lot but she’s… dead, lol. So that doesn’t really count.

I know I know. Therapy, right? Like, right now.

I know guys, I know.

But maybe I can… fix this… like, I was an addict before- there was the time in college. And last year, with a different set of narcotics. But this year is so so much worse. This shit I’m taking now is just sooooooo intense, and direct. And I’ve been on it for… a very, very long time.

I….. don’t know.

I need to think.

If I can, with this headache, I mean. Ouch.

sigh…

Um…

Sorry.

I mean, I know. I’m not blind. So… sorry.

But it’s ok.

The thing is, I really AM smart, though. I just re-read… uh… yesterday’s efforts, and that is the one thing out of that… mess that seems to have a ring of basic truth to it.

So, I can fix this. Don’t worry.

And I will.

Just as soon as this brain-splitting migraine goes away.

Hoooooooly shit, lol.

Ouch.

Yeah… ow.

sigh…

Just don’t die, Tom. That’s it. You can do it, man.

oy. This sucks, lol.

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

I want to end this here. gaws I hope I don’t regret this; I have a feeling I will.

my guts feel like tey’reburning.

Sorry- my guts feel like they’re burning. Ogh, god, they hurt.

maybe a little too much.

whatever. I will hopefully move on thwi, with my life nd and forget about all of this stuff.

I will do so, I’m going to need to fight for time to get high next week, so my schedule is so full.

ugh gawd, the life of an addict. ugly, isn’t it? So nasty. there’s no glamour in this, folks, lol.

ugh, whatever.

ok, bye for real this time. wish me luck with this world, i’m going to need it.

sigh

Ill get help some ofther day sometime. not no, I don’t need it nwow.

can’t take it now.s

ok bye

So uh… yeah, still nice. It’slike it’s spreading out to my fingers, now. not so concentrated. So good. It’s like liquid ice poring through my viesn, veins. Vaines, lol! I mean vains. haha!!!!

so srsyl, srsly, BUT srsly, yeah i can feel it in my toes now. so nice.

It’s a good thing i’m so smart. I rmemeber those tv adverts showing heroin addicts convolusing on the floor and shit because they ate too much, lol. like yeah, srsly, this shit slows down your digesitve system somthing fierce, so you can’t process. so you eat too much you sieuzre out on the floor. crazy shit

like those adcommercials with rahcel leigh cook, I used to call her cookie, you know her? It’s wasn’t in that series but it was another one, at a different time.

So…. I don’t eats, at least not too much. i keep it do a minimum so i don’t siezure out. I didn’t have breakfast and i just ate an apple for lunch. nice,tom.

it’sgood thing ‘m so smar tabout all of this. TOM YOU”RE A GENIUOS!!!!!!!!!

And I am, tha’t sthe rub of it. I real, literal genious. So happy about that. Whatevers. I need another hit, I have the day off so why the FUCK NOT.

Because WHO CARES, RIGHT?

RIGHT