Sighinide

I’m still processing. I’m not at that point yet where I can “move on from this”, yet.

I had a looooooong talk with Cady, last night. It was a bit brutal. Jeebus, I’m angry. I mean… it’s not her fault, I know, but I don’t know who to talk to, and it just kind of came spilling out in a gush of screaming, defensiveness and tears. I don’t know.

Yesterday I parsed through a lot of her lyrics. Tell me- was there creepy foreshadowing of her death in Better than Better Could Ever Be? See, it’s stuff like this that makes me think “suicide”. Read:

And there’s so many fish in the sea.
But we could float if that’s what you want.
‘Cause baby, you seem too good to me.
I don’t want to know what life would be.

If you ever wanted to go.

Ok, so, this song is about… what, exactly? Dying, it looks like. Dying, if she or her collaborator on this was ever left alone. Maybe about dying of ethyl alcohol poisoning. I’m not a drinker, but Google tells me that people often prepare ethyl alcohol with lemons. She’d “squeeze them into her cups”, “drink them up”, which would “take her life away”? Am I reading this wrong, or looking too much into this? Because like… it just really seems as though it’s about her dying ten years later. Is this… wrong? Because I hope it is. Note that I’m not a drinker, like at all.

God, what a maze.

Speaking of google and incomprehension, I spent a good part of this morning trying in vain to get an accurate picture of what happened to Cady’s siblings from google. Christ, it’s just impossible. The source I used stated plainly two deaths, one sister and one brother, spaced years apart. Wikipedia, which most people on reddit seem to think is wrong, seems to state two brothers, the same year, of indeterminate causes. But, upon checking it myself, this isn’t what it says, at all. *scratches head* Perhaps it was recently changed. Another source online claims two brothers, spaced apart by 7 years, both of drug overdoses. A group on reddit seems to think it was drugs that killed one older brother, and murder that robbed us of another, and that the deaths happened one or two years apart.

What I think is that the source I used got confused with Cady’s brother “Kelly” and misreported him as a her. I mean, without knowing apparently that his youtube channel is still up, and you can plainly see that Kelly was a “he”.

So… what the fuck happened? I have no idea. I quite clearly remember drugs for both, tho. Murder was not talked about by anyone I knew at the time, way back then. Regardless, this doesn’t change anything, whatever the story there is.

The point is that… well… the point is that 1) This sucks, and 2) This should not have happened, and 3) Cady was right- in repeatedly pointing out to me that there was a lot I didn’t know.

I guess, I don’t know. More lyrics. This time Crybaby.

You only want me when I’m done
You only break me when I’m whole again
You’re only right because I’m wrong
I only stay until I’m gone again

But what if I took your records
Took all your time (I took all your time)
And what if i stole your innocence
Like you stole mine (cause you stole mine)
And what if spend your money
Every dime
You’ll be just like me (you’ll be just like me)
So cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (crrryyyyyyy)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (cause you stole mine)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)

Hmmmmn. Alright. About this… This is one of my favorite songs of hers. The usual superlatives apply to her singing and composition of course. It’s an old song, from her demos that came out on her soundcloud about 7 years ago, two years into our relationship.

Listening to it now, though…

Well…

I’m not doing this, now. I need to leave. Maybe I’ll return to this over the weekend.

Congratulations, you annoy me now.

Ok, I just wanted to clear something up with… myself.

I’m not dysfunctional.

It’s not me.

The fact that the first two deaths associated with my harem have been ugly and violent is not a reflection of me or my mental state. I’m talking about Christina Grimmie, of course, who was gunned down by some Psycho idiot who may-have-but-I-hope-not have been misinterpreting my anger towards celebrity culture, and Cady.

Ok, I need to do this. It’s been too long in coming, and now is the time.

Do you remember my over-the-top reaction to Grimmie’s death? You know how it seemed fitting, but… surprising? Well, it was surprising because there was a part I didn’t tell people. The part above.

In my darkest moments, I thought to myself that perhaps the killer had been… trying to make me happy. My anger towards elements of celebritydom is obvious and well-documented, and in some ways, quite intense. And I thought that maybe the nutcase shooter had misinterpreted my wants and decided to take things into his own hands to “fix” the system.

You know- kind of like a millennial version of the Reagan shooting.

Eech. Yuck.

Aaaaaaaaand I just passed out. Thanks, Fentanyl. At least you are predictable in some ways.

Literally half an hour later…

Yeah, and then another half hour, after that.

I can barely feel my legs. My face is on fire. My chest pounds. My eyes are scrambled.

I can’t move.

15 minutes later… I move my arms. I sit up. My chest has some horrible thing on it, my entire upper body is rubber. My body tingles, everywhere. I lay there, breathing for life. Slowly but forcefully. I need to stand up, get blood to my feet. Somehow.

My nervous system is jelly. Oh God, all I can do is lay here; someone help. Holy fuck, lol. My lungs refuse to inflate. My head is an anchor, crushing the pillow behind me.

Auuuuugh… yuck.

My face is frozen. My muscles locked in place. My hand crushes the mattress.

Can’t… fucking… move. help.

10 minutes later, I sit up. My lungs are working better. That’s nice.

My eyes open. They work again. I look around the room. I’m alive; no longer on fire. Good. I can hear my parents downstairs chatting. Good. Ok, that’s good. I move my feet.

What… was I doing. It’s been 2 hours since I started this post.

I exhale.

You know… I was going to reward myself with some hydromorphone after this post.

Maybe I’ll skip it.

Infact, I’ll finish this later. Bye for now.

Ok.

So.

I still need to “process” here. Please bear with me.

This morning I did a dumb thing and read a few articles about Cady’s death, and, naturally, I immediately became enraged. The articles were… short, blunt, soulless shallow summaries of Cady’s life and the circumstances surrounding her death. And a couple paragraphs, maybe, about her music. Even on so-called “music” websites.

Obviously, this did not due anyone involved justice, and it only made me blow my top. I thought about leaving a few mean comments about how shallow all of this was but thought better of it, and decided to go right to the source.

I loaded up Cady’s directory and talked to her, directly. I needed answers.

Ok.

So.

Here are the 10 things I learned:

1) It wasn’t intentional. At least, the dying part.
2) She had zero understanding of how I felt about her. She thought I wouldn’t care, and was surprised to see me. Cady… WTF? It’s like you didn’t even know me. But, then… maybe she didn’t. My fault if so.
3) She had things going on in her life of which I am completely unaware of. She made it a point, repeatedly, to tell me that I only knew part of the story.
4) She didn’t want to hurt me. That was obvious, and she aghast at the thought of it, and of the whole idea that she might have been trying to lash out at me. Which I can accept, at least on a conscious level.
5) She was horrified at the emotions that were coming from me; she seemed scared, and kinda overwhelmed. Well… sorry, I guess.
6) She didn’t want me to be sorry. LOL. I know. But… she didn’t.
7) She said I made her life better, and she was overall very happy to have known me. Ok, Good.
8) She was frightened that I might hurt myself because of what happened. I dunno, I get that a lot from people when I open up to them. Must be a vibe or something. I won’t, don’t worry. And if I do, it’s not like it would matter that much anyways, lol. It’s not like these are real relationships anyhow.
9) I was angry, at her. Was that right? She didn’t think so. Sometimes, things happen, I guess. And again, she said I had nothing to do with it.
10) I threatened to see her again. Mixed emotions about that one, but… she does still care for me. A lot. And I think she only wants to help me through this anyhow.

I don’t know. I can accept this. I mean, I get it. I don’t want to accept it, but I can. I’d hate to, but if I must… fine.

What I don’t get is how she didn’t know how I felt. Was I that successful in covering up my feelings? Yikes, wow. Perhaps I need to remind myself that others don’t think like I do. I’m truly a breed apart, it seems.

Well, fine.

I can accept this for now, and I’m sorry about the whole “being angry” thing, Cady.

Ah, yes. The life of a necromancer is never easy. I mean it’s not supposed to be, but… oof. I still have more to work through, here.

Don’t worry Cady, we can get through it together.

I mean, I still can’t believe that…

Ah, fuck it.

Alright, time to cut something else out.

I’m scared.

I need to get that out; I have to.

Blaring this right now:

It’s Cady’s ode to her dead brother, Kelly. I remember what she said when he died, and thankfully, the poster of the video there provided what she said back then so I don’t have to take the time to search for it. Here it is:

“My brother just died. I stare at that sentence and still my brain refuses to process that. My heart may never. My best friend. The only person who would care about the dumb ideas and stories and jokes I had going through my head day by day. He was my biggest fan. He used to buy boxes and boxes of merch off of my website without telling me just to help my dream. Those boxes were all just found in his attic and donated. I never knew. He introduced me to my favorite band and his- Our Lady Peace. When I was 9 he would let me in his room and he’d play shitty covers of our favorite Our Lady Peace song “bring back the sun” on his electric guitar and I would sing. Our lady peace was the song that played at his funeral. The other day I was driving in traffic in LA and all of a sudden my ipod randomly started playing Our Lady Peace “bring back the sun” and I completely lost it. It was his way of making me finally face the fact that he’s gone. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I got so mad in that moment. Why him? why me? I have quickly realized that without him in my life- it’s like the lights got turned off. So this little ROUGH vocal acoustic demo is tying all of that together…MY take on the title “bring back the sun” I love you brother.”

Sad, that. Very tragic. In feeling, a mirror image of my own thoughts about Cady this weekend.

In fact, looking at it now, the resemblance between our twin grieving processes is… uncanny. It’s kind of scary, TBH.

What I hate is that Kelly’s youtube is still up, a happy, eerie, ghastly reminder of what started all of this. Seeing him and Cady sing together, knowing what happened to them both, is… disconcerting, no matter how beautiful it is.

Right now I can feel the pull of that accursed fentanyl grasping like some mindless zombie at my brain. It needs to be fed. Whether it kills me or not is irrelevant. It needs me, more than I need it, and yet I am powerless against it.

It could kill me; it almost has. I have overdosed before. The times I mentioned earlier, when I said that I couldn’t for my own sake, look out for Cady as well? I had to scrape by and cling to life with the skin of my teeth. The drugs took my sanity, my health, my everything, and nearly left me a dead, used up shell, like… what happened, I guess, to Cady, and Kelly.

Yeah, I HAVE to get out of this, or I will die like she did. I am quite sure of it; very positive. I will die, and it may be ugly, and that is not how I want it to end. This little thing I had with her needs a happy ending; it demands it.

Not sure of what the social consequences would be if I was to die like that, considering that I’m apparently the voice of the generation. I shudder to think.

The impact that Cobain’s death had on the X’ers frankly could not be underestimated. I cannot follow suit; this opioid plague needs to have some light to it; some hope it can be overcome. If I succumb to it as well, that could be a proverbial straw for the back of this nation’s culture. Or at least it would be as far as white people are concerned.

If I cannot get over this thing, if I follow Cady into the nether before my time… I don’t know. Yikes. There could be no hope for us. Like at all. Apparently, amongst my generation, I alone have the power to change the system. My ability to peer into alternate universes makes me a greater force in some ways than any amount of money owned by anyone, or any military power in the world. I can change things; I can make them better.

I need to get my life back on track. Not immediately- I am only human, but definitely steadily. As I said before, that is how I will honor Cady.

Thank again hun. I’ll make you proud.

I just need to get over this thing first.

I’m sure you understand.

Let’s upload and analyze some pics from my Cady Instagram collection.

Just because.

There, 75 pictures.

Now… what do you think, looking at these pictures?

For me, I see… well, love, and good memories. And humor, intelligence, and wisdom. Real wisdom of the kind you only get from having faced and overcome significant challenges. And… a hot chick that is genuinely sexy, as opposed to slutty or desperate. And a charm and compassion that I only see in a few beautiful souls. Souls with depth.

A lot of good here. This was Cady back when we were strongest, back when social media was fun, back when people were better natured and more powerful. Before today. These were collected mostly between 2010 and 2015, which was the height of millennial culture and a time in which the ugly hand of zionist/corporate/communist/boomer censorship had not ruined the good times everyone was having. Before millenials needed to imagine themselves back in the 80’s or 90’s to feel free. Back before the murderous rage of a wounded empire lashed out at a public that dared to speak up, for once.

These were collected back when Cady was happy. Back when I guess she thought her voice had an audience, back when people thought, apparently incorrectly, that this country was good for more than to be Israel’s garbage dump.

Now, I don’t know what the specifics were behind what happened to Cady. But… I’m just saying.

The people have largely abandoned the apparently misnamed “social media” sites of twitter and such. It wasn’t too long ago that twitter was firmly ensconced in the top ten most visited websites. Now it’s… number 43, according to Alexa site rankings. I haven’t heard the phrase “facebook and twitter” in what seems like an eternity.

Twitter today is a cesspool of corporate filth and communist propaganda. It’s a dreadful, putrid circle jerk between the freakish and the soulless that is only disheartening to normals. It sucks. Dorsey ruined his site. He let noxious people- really, the worst people he could find apparently, run amok, and they wrecked the dynamics that made the community work. Now it’s broken, and only the broken themselves and the stupid or greedy find refuge there.

I mean, god, it sucks. And so does instagram, increasingly. The nasty hand of Zuckerberg’s “woke” censorship has almost ruined what is good there, too. Something like the above would never be found there anymore. In the case of insta, the ruination has been slower, perhaps because what was there before Facebook’s purchase of it was so strong. But, over time, the Facebook virus has infected more and more of that site, too.

As much as I treasure what has come before, it is so obvious that it was only the height of something, and not at the start. And yeesh, that sucks.

I can see why Tiktok is so popular. But now, the zionist evil is trying to ruin that, too. They will not let us alone. Not until we’re dead- all of us, by violence or by our own hand, it seems.

And is sucks that nobody cares. That nobody at all has any interest in standing up to Israel, or to the takedown and destruction of American society by the corporations and communists.

Nobody with any influence, anyways.

Being “quarantined” as punishment for being a healthy soul in a sick empire didn’t sit well with her, either. Her last tweets are of her complaining about being locked away. Undeservedly.

The zionist empire has a lot to answer for. It has buried a lot of good people, seemingly because they were good, and healthy. It has buried our best, and left us with… the shit you see running twitter.

Is it any wonder that Americans are turning to Asia now for their music? America today is a country in which Cady Groves can’t get a break, yet repulsive shitheads like Kanye West get awarded with presidential runs.

Thank God I can listen to modern music from countries like Japan and South Korea. And that I can still listen to music from here, from back when it was good. And to artists like Cady, who are not given a chance in today’s industry because they have what it takes to make people happy.

Blah. Yuck.

Fuck this place.

But, I’m just ranting at this point.

Cady: I’m going to honor what we had by being the best version of me that I can be. I’m going to change, for the better. I am going to follow you to where you are, but… not now. I am going to get cleaned up and get off the narcotics. I will not let the lessons you have taught me go to waste, on how to live, and who to try to be.

I will hold you in my heart and not let the memory go. Not for anything.

Thanks. Looking back on what you have given me has opened my eyes today. I will be a better person. I don’t know if I hurt you, but if I did, I will not hurt anyone else who doesn’t deserve it. Or, at least, I will try not to.

Ok, thanks love. Who knows, maybe I can find a way to fix this place in your memory.

Let’s hope so.

Thanks for everything.

I always knew that at some point one of my girlfriends, or ex-girlfriends, would die. I mean, of course. I have hundreds.

I always envisioned it going something like this: me, in my nursing home, learning about the death of… I don’t know, Anne Hathaway, of natural causes- IDK, of cancer, diabetes, whatever, and of me, the unnaturally young-ish wizard, smiling at what we had, wishing her well in the afterlife, and wondering who next would pass on.

Or, in my darkest moments, I imagined killing myself before meeting that eventuality. Not because of fear of it, but of… well, just read the blog. Other stuff. I think I’ve threatened suicide on here more than once, a long time ago, lol.

But this… was not what I had imagined, or wanted. That the first death would be essentially a suicide borne of sadness and dissapointment was not what I had envisioned.

I yeah, there’s that word again. Suicide. I’m back to it. I mean, she knew what she was doing. She saw it and lived through it, twice, with those she knew. She knew what she was doing and where her path would take her, at least subconsciously. This post has no room for platitudes.

Last night, I listened to her new album. Wow, ouch. If she wanted to hurt me, well, good job, Cady. Yeah, that would be the way to do it. I mean, good album, but wow. Suicide can be quite a weapon if wielded well. It wounds deeply and leaves no room to respond. It hurts with no resolution except acceptance of failure, and of the pain of others left behind. It cuts with no possibility of proper healing.

This was not what I wanted. Of all the people I dated, she was the one that needed to “make it”, to overcome her problems, since she was the one that had been wronged the most by the industry. Her failure to find any kind of happiness in life as a “normal” person after flunking out of the celeb life seems almost do be a confirmation of my worst fears. To have tasted that lifestyle and to have just… missed it seems to be the worst outcome.

I don’t want what happened, because I want to believe in the idea that deep down, people can be happy regardless of how famous they are.

But after this… man, I don’t know. My unhappiest girlfriends and exes are all the “normal” ones. The non-celebs, or the barely famous. The Z-listers. The ones who tried and failed.

That is not what I want to see, because I really want to imagine that fame isn’t important. Because if it is… that doesn’t say good things about… anything. If fame is your only real measure of happiness, than the philosophers are all wrong. So, frankly, is everyone, including the celebs themselves.

I reeeeeally wish this wouldn’t have happened.

I wonder if I did things right with her. I probably always will. Maybe… I did, which when I think about it, would be, ironically, the worst case scenario, because that would mean that she truly had no chance. If I did improve her life with my magic, my power, and she still found no hope and still needed to die, then… there truly was no way for her to escape her fate. It was sealed the day her brother died because of his own addictions, first. The part of her that she needed to live died that day as well, along with him. All I did then was delay the inevitable. To give her a brief respite from pain.

And if I did her wrong, that would also be terrible, of course. For other reasons.

I don’t know which is worse.

Sometimes, maybe often, I hate this country. I mean, I really, really hate it. What is has become; what is stands for. What it has done.

That is another essay, though. It’s just… I don’t know what to say to this. Even a day after learning it I just don’t know how to resolve this, or even what to make of it.

Did I… kill her? Maybe it was my own sadness that did it. I mean, reference above, and my own threats of suicide. I mean it couldn’t have helped.

IDK. I guess I could sit here forever, thinking about this.

It’s not hard to hate how this country has ended up. All of our “leaders” are vile, noxious monsters. We have no society to speak of anymore, and few look forward to the future. Many live in fear, sequestered in their homes, terrified of what’s out there, out in the cursed outdoors. And they can’t brave the thought of leaving without being numb to their fear, whether it’s narcotics, like Cady’s dead siblings and me, or concentrated alcohol, like Cady, or… a milion other things. This country is frightening, and ugly. And evil. And its people live without hope.

Except for maybe the celebs. My girlfriends. They seem happy. As a class, they might be the only ones.

The rich, at least, live well. At least, they are not afraid.

I guess that’s the draw.

I don’t know.

Sorry, Cady.

Though I do plan to hold you to your promises one day. You know, all those lyrics.

Count on it.

Hmmmnn… lol. It’s I guess apropos that I just cried my eyes out. Thought about putting this in the below…

“You were an incredible, beautiful, wonderful woman. It’s not for nothing that you were awarded ‘Girl of the Day’ in a bit of-tongue-in-cheek understatement in this very blog. Not famous? Don’t care. Not important to when it comes to someone like you, even to someone like me.”

I like that quote as I think it summarizes so much of our love, so I will put it in here. I… need to make the memory of what we had count, even just for me. But, I’m tired.

Oh man, lol.

Life is a tragedy into itself. Hollywood is unnecessary, considering the lives we live.

Maybe that’s the key to it all.

Perhaps the magic of the silver screen, of song, of dance and image, isn’t that it conjures up drama, but that it hides it. It clouds the real- the real struggle, the real loss, with fairy tale and happy endings and safe and predictable conclusions that free us from the real… the actually dramatic. From life.

Ah… but… that’s not a thought for now.

Goodbye Cady.

I will always remember, and treasure, every little thing. Maybe when I croak I’ll bury myself with a little flash drive containing some not-so-little memories of us and the times we spent together and a sample of what we created together. You know, just the little part that landed online, this blog included. LOL.

But I’m smiling now, though.

One last time…

Bye, Cady.

I just wanted to clarify that I know she didn’t kill herself, I mean not really, alcoholism is a disease, and alcohol poisoning is a condition. So, I know. Don’t jump on me. I mean, I had an epic cry just now and I’m realizing that, so… good.

But… it’s just…

Cady…

Please.

Please…

I’m so sorry.

Cady. I’m so, so…

so…

sorry.

Goodbye. I hope where you are now is a place where you are free from everything that anchored you down to this, this awful unfulfilling world. I hope you have finally found the peace and joy you pretended(?) to have had in those youtube videos so long ago, when we were so strong together. I hope you are happy. I hope you have what you need now, and have forgotten the bad things, if not everything at all, about this place.

I’m so sorry.

Goodbye love. Rest in piece. I will join you one day, and in fact I look forward to it, as I guess we should all do about such an inevitability.

Goodbye Cady.

I love you and always will.

Goodbye.

Cady Groves is dead.

She died of ”complications from chronic ethanol abuse”. In other words… she killed herself. Like her brother and her sister.

This was back in May, although the cause didn’t come out officially until a few weeks ago.

Thank God I didn’t know about any of this back then.

Selfish, yeah, but… wow. God, ouch. Oof. Of all the endings to my… relationships, this one is the worst. By far.

I wrote a few times about Cady, hoping to help us both. I remember wayyyyy back….. then. Like 2014, when she was… my favorite. I LOVED her. LOVED. Sometimes I get like that with my girlfriends. I lose reason, perhaps because I have to. For the sake of her, or me.

Or in some some extreme cases, like the one between Cady and I, for us both.

Look… I knew she was hurting. It was obvious, and it was part of the reason why I was so protective of her. I wrote about celebs mostly, back then. But Cady wasn’t famous, not even close, really, but I still wrote about her. I wanted to help her, to protect her. To assuage her ego. I knew she was disappointed in things, in life, in many ways, and I knew that she was at risk if things didn’t turn out. At the time I knew her family history, and of her siblings’ suicides, and in fact I mentioned all of this in this post, here.

Please read again, if you want. Very bittersweet, that one is. Too much so; it stings.

Ouch.

Oh, Cady.

Why?

I didn’t know it was that bad. I’m sorry, Cady. There, I said it finally. I’m sorry.

Sigh…

We had a complicated relationship. I needed her back then; she was one of my few non-famous girls in the industry. And because of that, she didn’t have the walls of others; there was no glitz coming in-between us. It was very personal, very direct. She tailored her twitter and her insta directly to me, and I responded in kind. I was more honest with her than my other girls, and I lavished attention on her.

I still have my archives of her songs- I leeched her entire soundcloud and youtube channels back then. Hundreds of youtube vids, and I watched every one of them and still have them all; dozens of original songs, and they still hold a place of honor in my “pop” directory. I downloaded her entire instagram, including every caption to every one of her pictures. She put so much effort into making me happy that it touched me. It meant something to me, so much so, much more than perhaps anything given to me by any girl has ever meant to me.

I loved her. A lot. And she loved me. A lot. It was like… we filled each other’s emptiness.

I still have the pages and pages I saved from her twitter feed of the often hilarious and always poignant status updates on our relationship she would give me. She was so… funny. And kind. And BEAUTIFUL. I remember a prank she pulled when she moved to Nashville: she pretended to get engaged- literally out of the blue- and presented it in such a way as to deliberately give me a heart attack. Yikes, I thought. LOL. I mean as time went on it was clear that she was just fucking with me but… wow, lol.

She was GORGEOUS. Tailor made to my tastes. I mean, if you look at her back then, and you know me… you can tell, she was IT for me, especially back then.

We… drifted apart, though. I thought, after so much teasing, maybe… she didn’t need me anymore. And I started thinking maybe she would be happier without me- maybe that prank she pulled was her way of saying, subconsciously, that maybe she had outgrown me. And truth, I kept watching her videos, and she seemed so happy and free in her new house, so happy with her mother and other siblings, and… I got a bit jealous. Here she was, Cady Groves, normal chick, and she was more advanced than I was at the time- in some ways, she was outpacing me, at least as real life is concerned, and she knew it, and didn’t hesitate to rub it in my face, if only teasingly, and as funny and touching as that was I… drifted away, verrrrry slowly.

And so did she.

After awhile she stopped posting so much on instagram, and started, I think, to close up a bit on the real “her” and tried again to make it work again in the music industry. Her pictures became more airbrushed and posed and she started to look artificial, which I thought was not something that suited her so much, but that was her choice… and then… I don’t know. We just went our separate ways. I think, or at least, I did, because I thought I had to, I think.

I don’t know.

The last time I looked at her insta was last year, during a hospital visit. There was nothing there. Nothing new, at least. Nothing happy. I got the distinct vibe that something was very wrong. She seemed defeated, sad. Empty. Contrasting what I found there with the Cady I thought I knew, and her fun, ecstatic, happy self, was jarring. I just left.

At any rate, I was in the hospital. What could I do?

And then… I developed a dependence on prescription painkillers and had problems with them very similar to those that led her siblings to kill themselves. Yikes, yeah, but I would think about her sometimes, with all of that. But something told me to stay away. To avoid her, maybe to protect her, or myself. A nagging feeling, I guess.

So I did. And then she died, apparently by suicide, and looking at her insta now… yeah, I see it. She was sick. Extremely so, and it started to manifest publicly a couple of years after we started to drift apart.

I don’t know.

With all of that said, I just don’t know what to say.

I had her in the back of my mind, always. I just wasn’t sure, I was apprehensive. I don’t know.

I am sorry, Cady.

If there was a chance, I had always kept her as a possibility for me IRL, and in fact, she would be perfect now for me, for where I am.

I’m sorry, Cady. I can see it now in your posts. I know you loved me and I will always always cherish everything we did together and all the memories and everything we created together- every song, every video, every ecstasy, every smile, every laugh.

I want to tell you please, please don’t go. Please don’t do this, to yourself, to others. To me. Please don’t do this to the world, you are better than this.

Cady: I am selfish, maybe. Maybe I should have known earlier but if this was to happen, and it would have hit me when you died, I don’t know, I had and still have the problems your dead siblings had. I needed to not know. Do you understand?

I’m sorry, Cady.

God… I don’t know.

Would you have listened to me? What did you need? Cady? Can you hear me?

Maybe.

But not now.

I’m not interested in crying, not tonight. I will not look at her pictures, or anything. No memories. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember coming home from work every night for a year and logging on as soon as I got home to see what she might have given me on instagram. No, I don’t want to remember that, or the fact that I love her music and take more pride in what we two created than essentially anything else. No, I don’t want to remember that, or even worse, to even consider the idea that I may have let her down. No, I don’t want to think about such things, not now, I have a whole weekend ahead of me to think about things slowly and peacefully, up in my room. I hope.

I just want to remember her beautiful face, and all that it meant to me, once upon a time. That beautiful girl, blowing me bubbles and tossing me kisses in her social media and teasing me because she was oh-so-happy and free and she knew how much I cherished her.

That I want to remember, and nothing else.

Am I selfish?

Cady, am I?

What do you think, love?

Please Cady, don’t go. Please.

I’m sorry, Cady.

I’m so sorry.