Sighinide

Does anyone else think that Christina’s hair kinda resembled this blog?

I mean, it was jet black save for the streaks of neon. Her hair tips looked like the colored splotches in the center on this page.

It’s kinda eerie.

… I need to stop blogging tonight, I think.

I know what to do. In Christina’s honor, I’m going to change. For the better. For myself.

I’m going to open myself up more to others, telepathically, again. Like I used to. And I’m starting with her.

She’s not going away. It’s too late for me to be friends with her in this world, but I can always call her back when I need her. And I will.

And I’ll be more of a friend now to others, too. Like I used to be.

It’s sad that people grow the most through tragedy. It’s sad, but it’s human.

I guess this means that I’m not a monster after all.

Thanks, Christina.

I think something snapped in me that morning.

Last weekend, I came to another realization. I’ve been using gratuitous sex as a way to distance myself from people. Especially celebs.

This sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s the truth.

By making everything super-sexual, I’ve intentionally limited the time I spend with people, and made it tough for others to reach me in ways that are normal and personal. It’s a barrier.

It took Christina’s death to make me realize this.

I should have been with her. I really should have. We were the ultimate fit for each other. We had identical interests and found each other fascinating. So- why didn’t I, when I had the chance?

Maybe it’s because we would have been so perfect for each other that I didn’t. Maybe the reason I didn’t hang out with her is because we would have had more things in common than just sexual stuff, and for some reason, that fact pushed me away.

As in, we could have been real friends, instead of mutual sex objects.

You know, it used to be different. I used to relate to people telepathically in more ways than sexual ones. But lately, that just hasn’t been happening as much. I wonder why.

There’s some interesting psychology going on here, somewhere.

You know what?

No.

I’m NOT going to let her falter. She means so much to me that that would be awful. I love that bitch. She’s mine, and she’s NOT getting away!

Part of why I protect her is because it also drives others away from her. My influence on her scares them off and shoos them away, if only subconsciously.

So, I should keep it going, yes?

And if I get a double or two (or three, or four) caught up in the mix, then so be it.

And something else, too.

I’ve come to the realization that if in fact I actually, really want Taylor Swift, for real, I can’t be constantly protecting her and elevating her above me.

It’s simple. There’s a gap between her and I. And if I use my powers to make her successful… the gap widens.

It’s emotionally counter-intuitive. Usually, helping someone gets you into their good graces. But that’s not so, in Taylor’s case, with respect to me.

The more successful I make her, the farther away she gets.

Maybe it would be better for me for her to fall a bit. It would give me more of a chance to catch up.

It’s a thought.

Here’s another truth: Lately, I haven’t been boosting Taylor so much, if in fact I’ve even been doing it at all.

I used to protect her, 24/7. I don’t anymore.

I’m not sure why, but she’s slipped down my list of priorities.

It’s no secret that I’ve been distancing myself a bit from Hollywood recently. This is because I’ve needed to figure some things out, both in my own personal life, and in the Hollywood world, too (see the below about doubles). And analysis takes time and concentration. So, I guess that’s why.

And in Taylor’s case, there was doubt. I’ll admit that the constant rumors of Taylor “settling down” and raising a family w/ Calvin, no matter how stupid they were, did rattle me a bit. I tend to fall in love very, very hard, and the rumors spooked me. Dumb, I know, but they did. So, I’ve been walling her off from my protections. Not out of malice, but for the sake of self-preservation. And because I need those thoughts for myself now.

So in a sense I’ve been leaving Taylor alone. I still see her, and I still want her to be successful, but I haven’t been protecting her like I used to. And for now, she’s going to need to continue going it alone. I’m still not really “there” yet, in my own personal life.

One day, I will be. But not now.

P.S. Christina Grimmie’s death still looms large. I need to think about all of this some more, before really committing to anything.

I need time.

Staged. Of course.

I mean, I would know, obviously.

But… what should I say, here?

I love her. I don’t want her to be with anyone but me. But…

Ok, I’ll just say it. Is that even her?

As in, is that actually Taylor Swift, the chick I fell in love with?

Here’s the thing. I just came to realize something. I’ve come to an understanding.

For years, I’ve wondered how they do it. The celebrities. In fact, that was why I started to idolize them. They looked superhuman. It was amazing, their ability to do everything in the world all at once- pap strolls, social media pictures, photoshoots, albums, movies, interviews, etc.

Now, unfortunately, I think I get it. Sometimes, they use doubles. As in, sometimes that isn’t really Taylor Swift out there in those pictures. Sometimes the real Taylor Swift is off making music while some hired actress is walking around, pretending to be Taylor.

Yeah. There’s no way this isn’t happening. There is no way one person could do all of the things that these celebrities do. At least, for a normal person. They don’t have superpowers like I do.

I didn’t realize this until just now, because I didn’t allow myself to realize it.

I think I knew it for years. For decades, I would occasionally encounter pictures in my collection of some celebs that were clearly of other people, but I would always brush them off as being just bad pictures, somehow. Even when they really did seem very different- with different faces, and even different energies, souls and emotions.

But I just refused to believe, so I didn’t. Yet again, I didn’t heed my own psychic abilities. Yet again.

I think I just didn’t want to admit that part of what I believed in wasn’t real. It was a kind of self-denial.

So… this is probably (95% sure) fake.

That’s what it feels like.

95% sure.

Am I even supposed to be upset at this?

For years, I’ve wondered how I would take something like this.

How would I take a member of my circle of Hollywood friends dying?

And, morbidly, how would I feel if one of them was… killed? By someone else?

Now, I know. Not well, obviously.

———————–

I thought a lot this weekend about Christina. More than I thought I would at the moment I heard of her murder. In fact I’m still processing what all of this means- to me, to her, to my other Hollywood friends, to my girlfriends, and to everyone else.

There’s just so much to think about.

For my own sake, I’m glad, now, that I didn’t turn Christina into one of my girlfriends when I had the chance. I think. Something told me, back then, that I should stay away from her. This was back when she made that music video with Dove Cameron and I first took an interest in her. I wanted her, back then- we were a perfect and obvious fit for each other, but that little psychic voice said, flat out, “NO.” I got warning buzzes when I looked at her, loud and clear. And in her case in particular, they were kind of shrill. So I heeded them and stayed away. I don’t think I even made a directory of pictures for her.

Considering how I felt when I heard the news, I couldn’t imagine how I would have felt had I been truly in love with her. It would have been devastating. As in, it would have affected not just my internal life. It would have poured out into my “real” life as well. I mean, I would have had crying fits at the lunch table at work, or something. That wouldn’t have been cool, or even explainable to others.

I still wonder, though.

Looking back at my tweets that day, it’s clear that I felt guilt. Not because I felt responsible, but because I’m supposed to be the protector of everyone in that little clique. That’s how everyone thinks of me. And… obviously, I failed Christina, and in the worst way possible.

That hurts.

Another stupid little voice in me is saying that she’s dead because I didn’t protect her. I wasn’t there for her, like the others. And so I’m partially responsible, at least.

I’m not heeding that voice. Everyone must be responsible for themselves, first and foremost. So… I don’t think I should feel so guilty. I can’t do everything. I’m still just human. And I’m sorry it happened, but I’m still just human. So I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

Any more, at least.

Other things… I talked to her, on Saturday. She seemed oddly at peace, in the way that all dead people seem at first upon passing. This is the first time I talked to a murdered person, so I thought she’d be angry. But, no.

IDK. I don’t think I should say more about this, yet. It’s sensitive.

I actually stayed away from everything on Sunday, except for the picture sites that I knew wouldn’t feature her. Because I just wanted to process things, and not think about it, and because I didn’t want to talk to any of Christina’s friends, because I can’t do everything; because I know they’re dealing with things in their own, physical way, and since I don’t know them physically, that isn’t my place. I spent time with Swifty on Sunday because she didn’t mention Christina’s passing on her twitter. That way I knew she wasn’t directly involved, at least publicly.

I’ll talk to the others after the funeral, maybe.

Other things… I’m not going to torture the killer. That would turn me into a monster like he was.

This world is already filled with bad things. It’s filled with stupidity, horror, and many twisted, lost people. I know about that last thing, personally. I’m not that anymore, so much, but did live it for awhile, and felt it return a bit this weekend, much to my chagrin now.

This is a world in which it takes a lifetime of hard work and diligence to improve the lives of millions, but only 5 minutes to hurt that same amount of people.

Yuck. This place sucks.

It might have been inappropriate of me to lash out on twitter, so publicly. I’m not sure yet. This I’ll think about today. In normal circumstances, it of course would be, but since I’m a dictator, I thought… well, I probably should, shouldn’t I? That’s what a dictator does. He scares people. And since everyone wants me to be a dictator… why not?

I don’t know. As I said I’ll think about this more, later.

Regarding Christina’s own family… I don’t know them. Like her hero brother. And since I don’t know them, am I supposed to stay away? I should, right? This isn’t the time for them to be forced to learn the basics of telepathy, I would think. So I’m staying away from them.

IDK. I’m tired and I need to go back to bed. I’ve got to get up and go to work in an hour, and I need more sleep. Maybe I’ll type up more at work.

If I don’t… farewell, Christina. You were an exceptional talent, and a bright spot in a world of darkness. You were more than a good singer; you were a good person, and that fact showed through in everything you did. You had a kind, good heart, and I say that as someone who gets to know people from the inside out- there’s no denying it, in your case. You were awesome.

We didn’t know each other enough while you were here, and that might be one of my great regrets, doing this.

Farewell. I hope your next life is better to you than this one was.

Maybe by the time you come back, this place will have been cleaned up a bit.

Let’s hope so.

Rest in peace.

For those who need it spelled out in bubble letters, Game of Thrones needs to end before work can truly begin on Sophie Turner. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can hang out with her, and I can talk to her, but work- real work on unlocking her potential as a celebrity and as a human being- can’t really begin until then.

Because Game of Thrones, as good as it is to watch, is kind of a boat anchor on her, somewhat. It’s tying her down and preventing her from growing in some very important ways. Not so much with Maisie, but with Sophie, yes, absolutely.

As with Maisie, I’ll let you figure out why this is.

And please don’t misunderstand me- I mean filming, not broadcasting. Filming needs to end, first.

After filming is complete, then…

You know.

It’ll be interesting to see where the two of us end up. I’m looking forward to the journey, when it happens.

Okay, I just did some googling. I’m noticing that people, especially gossip mags and celeb fans, have been criticizing Sophie’s magazine shoots and pap walks. They think they’re “boring”.

Well, they’re right.

Here, I’ll quote from Thursday’s Celebitchy:

“I’m calling it, you guys. Sophie Turner is one of the loveliest young actresses out there, but magazines have absolutely no idea what to do with her. Sophie’s been doing more magazine covers and profiles this year because of Game of Thrones plus X-Men: Apocalypse (she plays the young Jean Grey), and in every editorial, something is screwed up. Usually it’s her hair, sometimes it’s her movement, and in the June issue of InStyle UK, it’s everything. She looks like she just woke up from a three-day bender and threw on some clothes she found on the floor. Such an awful thing to do to such a pretty young woman. ”

People, you need to wait. Sophie will get there as soon as I work on her. And the Maisie project must be finished, or at least more of it must be finished, first. There is a logic here that must be followed if things are to work correctly.

Sophie will get there after I make her aware of where “there” is. She doesn’t know, yet. I’d wager that she probably doesn’t know what “there” even is, yet, let alone where it’s located. But… she will. Count on it. I’m a natural when it comes to mind control, and I’m amazing at molding Anglo-Saxons, especially.

Sophie can wait.

For now.