This should be an interesting post for a few reasons. The first would be the format- I\u2019m going to try something different this time. The second would be because of the timing, and the third because of the subject matter.<\/p>\n
I plan to write a few posts on the fascinating and very, very under discussed and confusing issue of anorexia in men. So there\u2019s no need to fret if I don\u2019t answer your questions (whoever you are) with this post. This is just a post for some small reflections on my part.<\/p>\n
So, I\u2019m going to try something new.<\/p>\n
Midway through last year, during that epic depressive breakdown, I wrote a post about anorexia, and then didn\u2019t publish it, because I thought it would have been just too much darkness for the blog to handle. Like, you would have been laughing at how dark the blog was, because you just couldn\u2019t take it seriously anymore.<\/p>\n
So I held off on publishing it.<\/p>\n
Then I went and updated it a few months later, and then didn\u2019t publish that because of the Celeb Leak frenzy.<\/p>\n
So after bringing the subject up in my stories, I just let it sit there, instead of investigating it like I had intended.<\/p>\n
I also think I didn\u2019t publish the posts for another subconscious reason, which I\u2019ll reveal once I post, within this<\/i> post, the aforementioned first two versions. This should be interesting, to see the evolution of an essay.<\/p>\n
Ready? Here\u2019s the first one, last modified on 5-30-2014.<\/p>\n
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Well, it looks like my yearlong journey to getting a \u201cdancer\u2019s body\u201d is about over.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s taken longer to get here than I expected for a variety of reasons. The first is that I\u2019m, well, me, so of course I needed to stop my successful routines midway to experiment with different diets, supplements, and exercise routines. If I would have just stuck to what I know works, I would have been finished months ago. But then I also wouldn\u2019t have learned as much.<\/p>\n
And there are other considerations when it comes to getting fit that I didn\u2019t consider beforehand, like the fact that my clothes might not fit (I know, this should be obvious). I\u2019m not keen on spending major $$$ to replace my wardrobe and get my dress clothes refit. I\u2019ve resigned myself to doing it, though. If that needs to happen at the bitter end then so be it.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going to need to determine where I should stop the fat loss. I\u2019m at 16% body fat currently. Should I go for 10% ? 5% like a bodybuilder? 3% like Apollo Ohno? Would 3% even be healthy? I think a six pack would start to show at around 8% on me. I should probably stop there. <\/p>\n
After all, that\u2019s what Taylor Swift likes, and God knows that\u2019s the most important consideration.<\/p>\n
I also had to confront a lot of- wait for it- emotional problems. As everyone knows already, I\u2019m a former anorexic, and spent about 2 years battling the disease. I had it bad. I still shudder when I see pictures of me from that time. I look ghastly. My mom once remarked that I looked like I had AIDS or some horrible cancer. Looking at the pictures, I can see that too.<\/p>\n
I think that my recent pudginess was in some ways a way for me to \u201cconquer\u201d the immense trauma of those years. It was armor. I mean, I might have been pudgy, but at least I wasn\u2019t\u2026 that<\/i>.<\/p>\n
Jeez, I might have almost died back then. Yeeesh. Creepy, creepy, awful, painful and horrible stuff, that. I can still remember some of comments. \u201cHe looks like he\u2019s dead.\u201d Thanks, really. <\/p>\n
*Stuffs bad memories back down*.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m still<\/i> dealing with the aftermath of those horrible years. Nobody ever tells you what anorexia does to your teeth. My tooth enamel was worn down because of calcium depletion, for example. <\/p>\n
This calcium depletion might have been the reason for my broken arm a few years later, after I had fully \u201crecovered\u201d from anorexia. A routine fall on the ice at my workplace\u2019s parking lot shattered my elbow, breaking in in 3 places. Considering who I was- a young, \u201chealthy\u201d man- it shouldn\u2019t have broken at all, and much less in 3 places. It did heal up fine, but I started taking fistfuls of calcium and phosphate supplements daily after that.<\/p>\n
All of this might be part of the reason that I harbor a bit (hah!) of anger towards Hollywood people, even if I do like them. THEY were the ones who convinced me my body was ugly! Those monsters<\/i>. They<\/i> did that to me! Except they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Most people don\u2019t become anorexic, even those that follow a lot of celeb gossip as I do. This was clearly a personal thing.<\/p>\n
I think too much. Whatever. I\u2019m better now and I\u2019m 99% sure I won\u2019t fall into that trap again.<\/p>\n
Thank God.<\/p>\n
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Now, without reflection, here\u2019s the second, last modified on 10-14-2014.<\/p>\n
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Well, I Did it.<\/p>\n
Sometime after Taylor\u2019s concert last year, I made a vow to get myself to get into a better shape by the time her next album was released. I think that I achieved that overall. I think I might have talked about that on this blog, but I\u2019m not sure when. If I recall correctly, it was before Christmas sometime.<\/p>\n
So I think I did what I needed to. I\u2018m at least twice as strong as I was last year, and I\u2019m a few pounds away from having the \u201csix-pack\u201d abs look that has been in vogue since the nineties. My notoriously inaccurate scale has my body fat pegged at 15%, so I\u2019m likely somewhere within that ballpark. If I can just stay focused (easy), then by next year\u2019s Christmas I can get a physique that would awe even my girlfriends, who are used to seeing guys with fit figures.<\/p>\n
I hope that this was a good idea, now that I think about it. Was my appeal the fact that I didn\u2019t<\/i> have this physique? Maybe it made me different. I never stopped to think about that. Oops.<\/p>\n
Well, whatever. What\u2019s done is done, and I\u2019m pretty sure that this is what Taylor Swift likes, and God knows that\u2019s the most important consideration here.<\/p>\n
I think that the encouraging thing about all of this is the fact that I\u2019ve definitely beaten my old anorexia problem. Awesome, self. I look thin and healthy now, and not thin and undead. Thank God<\/i>.<\/p>\n
Speaking of anorexia- I think that my recent chubbiness was a kind of armor against those days. I might have been chubby, but at least I wasn\u2019t that<\/i>. I still shudder whenever I look at pics of me from that time period. Yikes. I looked ghastly. My mom once remarked that I looked like I was dying of AIDS or something. Looking at the pictures, I can see how she would think that. Yikes again. That\u2019s like 2 or three years of my life I\u2019ll never get back.<\/p>\n
Not to dwell, but I now realize that I might have almost died back then. Yeeesh. Creepy, creepy, awful, painful and horrible stuff, that. I can still remember some of comments. \u201cHe looks like he\u2019s dead.\u201d Thanks, really. <\/p>\n
*Stuffs bad memories back down*.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m still<\/i> dealing with the aftermath of those horrible years. Nobody ever tells you what anorexia does to your teeth. My tooth enamel was worn down because of calcium depletion, which is a problem I\u2019m still dealing with today. It takes a hell of a lot of calcium supplements to get that back.<\/p>\n
This extreme calcium depletion might have been the reason for my broken arm a year after I had fully \u201crecovered\u201d from anorexia. A routine fall on the ice at my workplace\u2019s parking lot shattered my elbow, breaking it in 3 places. Considering who I was- a young, healthy man- it shouldn\u2019t have broken at all, and much less in 3 places. It did heal up fine, but\u2026<\/p>\n
Come to think of it, maybe this is part of the reason why I harbor a bit of resentment towards Hollywood, even though I am ostensibly their sage. THEY were the ones who convinced me my body was ugly! Those monsters<\/i>. They<\/i> did that to me! Except they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Most people don\u2019t become anorexic, even those that follow a lot of celeb gossip as I do. This was clearly a personal thing.<\/p>\n
I get off topic too much. Whatever. I\u2019m better now and I\u2019m 99.99% sure I won\u2019t fall into that trap again. Thank God I\u2019m older and not as dumb\u2026 although I do still faintly feel, every once in a while when I\u2019m cutting fat, that familiar blissful hunger\u2026 it\u2019s very far off but I can kind of feel it. Being anorexic can be fun and interesting. It\u2019s really addictive, like when you cut yourself with razors. The pain from the hunger causes an endorphin rush unlike anything else. It gives you a nice, permanent euphoric high- and the surrounding culture makes you feel cooler than anyone. It makes you glamorous like a model. In a way, it gave me a place before I fully developed my powers. I loved cruising those pro-ana sites back in the day. Not that I thought I was anorexic myself, of course (heh), but because I needed \u201cinspiration\u201d. <\/p>\n
But that\u2019s neither here nor there. The only reason I\u2019d even need to feel that kind of hunger again is if I decide to go for a really low body fat percentage, like, I don\u2019t know, 4% or 3%. You know, like Apollo Ohno when he does the Olympics. But I\u2019m not going to do that. Never again. Definitely not.<\/p>\n
Soooo I guess that this relationship with Swifty has been a good thing. She\u2019s inspired me in a lot of ways, hasn\u2019t she? I\u2019m a better person than I was before I met her. Good stuff, that.<\/p>\n
——————————————————<\/p>\n
One thing you may have picked up on is the importance of the timing of this<\/i> post (the master post). Taylor\u2019s concert is tomorrow, and a couple years ago, I made myself a promise that I would have six-pack abs like supermodels and Olympic athletes before this concert, which I believed would be proof that I \u201cbeat\u201d anorexia.<\/p>\n
Mmmm hmmmn. See the problem there?<\/p>\n
I had beaten the practice of starving myself, but the mentality was still there, lurking underneath. So I hadn\u2019t really<\/i> beaten it. In the state I was in last year, a relapse is a possibility. I see that now. So I wasn\u2019t 100% over it!<\/p>\n
Now though, I think I am. So I don\u2019t have six-pack abs. So\u2026 so what? I don\u2019t care. I\u2019m 35 years old, 6\u2019 3\u201d tall, 195 pounds in weight, and I have the same 15% body fat I’ve had for the past year. Those are my measurements, and, you know, I\u2019m not embarrassed at them. I\u2019m not perfect. I don\u2019t look like a 20 year old Abercrombie and Fitch model, but who gives a fuck about that, really? So what if I don\u2019t look better than literally every other man my age? Who cares? I don\u2019t feel like a failure. I\u2019m fine. <\/p>\n
And in regards to my future on the scale- I\u2019m going to continue experimenting with different diets and exercise routines. Not to look \u201cperfect\u201d but just because that\u2019s what I do. If an experiment fails and I gain some weight, so be it. If another succeeds and I lose a few, then great. Either way, I\u2019m not going to concern myself ever again with a five pound weight fluctuation. Because that just doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n
Finally! Finally, I think I\u2019m over it.<\/p>\n
In depth analysis will come later, after the concert. <\/p>\n
If I feel like it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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