For years, I’ve wondered how I would take something like this. <\/p>\n
How would I take a member of my circle of Hollywood friends dying? <\/p>\n
And, morbidly, how would I feel if one of them was… killed? By someone else?<\/p>\n
Now, I know. Not well, obviously.<\/p>\n
———————–<\/p>\n
I thought a lot this weekend about Christina. More than I thought I would at the moment I heard of her murder. In fact I’m still processing what all of this means- to me, to her, to my other Hollywood friends, to my girlfriends, and to everyone else.<\/p>\n
There’s just so much to think about.<\/p>\n
For my own sake, I’m glad, now, that I didn’t turn Christina into one of my girlfriends when I had the chance. I think. Something told me, back then, that I should stay away from her. This was back when she made that music video with Dove Cameron and I first took an interest in her. I wanted<\/i> her, back then- we were a perfect and obvious fit for each other, but that little psychic voice said, flat out, “NO.” I got warning buzzes when I looked at her, loud and clear. And in her case in particular, they were kind of shrill. So I heeded them and stayed away. I don’t think I even made a directory of pictures for her.<\/p>\n
Considering how I felt when I heard the news, I couldn’t imagine how I would have felt had I been truly in love with her. It would have been devastating. As in, it would have affected not just my internal life. It would have poured out into my “real” life as well. I mean, I would have had crying fits at the lunch table at work, or something. That wouldn’t have been cool, or even explainable to others.<\/p>\n
I still wonder, though. <\/p>\n
Looking back at my tweets that day, it’s clear that I felt guilt. Not because I felt responsible, but because I’m supposed to be the protector of everyone in that little clique. That’s how everyone thinks of me. And… obviously, I failed Christina, and in the worst way possible. <\/p>\n
That hurts. <\/p>\n
Another stupid little voice in me is saying that she’s dead because I didn’t protect her. I wasn’t there for her, like the others. And so I’m partially responsible, at least.<\/p>\n
I’m not heeding that voice. Everyone must be responsible for themselves, first and foremost. So… I don’t think I should feel so guilty. I can’t do everything. I’m still just human. And I’m sorry it happened, but I’m still just human. So I’m not going to beat myself up over it. <\/p>\n
Any more, at least.<\/p>\n
Other things… I talked to her, on Saturday. She seemed oddly at peace, in the way that all dead people seem at first upon passing. This is the first time I talked to a murdered person, so I thought she’d be angry. But, no.<\/p>\n
IDK. I don’t think I should say more about this, yet. It’s sensitive.<\/p>\n
I actually stayed away from everything on Sunday, except for the picture sites that I knew wouldn’t feature her. Because I just wanted to process things, and not think about it, and because I didn’t want to talk to any of Christina’s friends, because I can’t do everything; because I know they’re dealing with things in their own, physical way, and since I don’t know them physically, that isn’t my place. I spent time with Swifty on Sunday because she didn’t<\/i> mention Christina’s passing on her twitter. That way I knew she wasn’t directly involved, at least publicly.<\/p>\n
I’ll talk to the others after the funeral, maybe.<\/p>\n
Other things… I’m not going to torture the killer. That would turn me into a monster like he was. <\/p>\n
This world is already filled with bad things. It’s filled with stupidity, horror, and many twisted, lost people. I know about that last thing, personally. I’m not that anymore, so much, but did live it for awhile, and felt it return a bit this weekend, much to my chagrin now.<\/p>\n
This is a world in which it takes a lifetime of hard work and diligence to improve the lives of millions, but only 5 minutes to hurt that same amount of people. <\/p>\n
Yuck. This place sucks.<\/p>\n
It might have been inappropriate of me to lash out on twitter, so publicly. I’m not sure yet. This I’ll think about today. In normal circumstances, it of course would be, but since I’m a dictator, I thought… well, I probably should, shouldn’t I? That’s what a dictator does. He scares people. And since everyone wants<\/i> me to be a dictator… why not?<\/p>\n
I don’t know. As I said I’ll think about this more, later.<\/p>\n
Regarding Christina’s own family… I don’t know them. Like her hero brother. And since I don’t know them, am I supposed to stay away? I should, right? This isn’t the time for them to be forced to learn the basics of telepathy, I would think. So I’m staying away from them.<\/p>\n
IDK. I’m tired and I need to go back to bed. I’ve got to get up and go to work in an hour, and I need more sleep. Maybe I’ll type up more at work.<\/p>\n
If I don’t… farewell, Christina. You were an exceptional talent, and a bright spot in a world of darkness. You were more than a good singer; you were a good person, and that fact showed through in everything you did. You had a kind, good heart, and I say that as someone who gets to know people from the inside out- there’s no denying it, in your case. You were awesome. <\/p>\n
We didn’t know each other enough while you were here, and that might be one of my great regrets, doing this. <\/p>\n
Farewell. I hope your next life is better to you than this one was.<\/p>\n
Maybe by the time you come back, this place will have been cleaned up a bit.<\/p>\n
Let’s hope so.<\/p>\n
Rest in peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
For years, I’ve wondered how I would take something like this. How would I take a member of my circle of Hollywood friends dying? And, morbidly, how would I feel if one of them was… killed? By someone else? Now, I know. Not well, obviously. ———————– I thought a lot this weekend about Christina. More […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1923"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1923"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1923\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1971,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1923\/revisions\/1971"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1923"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1923"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1923"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}