I woke up this morning too early, like at around 3, and couldn\u2019t get back to rest. My head hurt. I think I\u2019m probably still detoxing, even now. Yuck.<\/p>\n
Not having the ability to do much else, I decided to hang out in Hollywood. I spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes sitting on top of the Hollywood sign, looking out at the city below. It was eerie there, with the bustling metropolis cloaked in night\u2019s darkness.<\/p>\n
IDK, I just sat and watched. I don\u2019t know what it was that I was looking for, but I guess I didn\u2019t find it, whatever it was. It just looked like\u2026 a city, after midnight, on a weekday.<\/p>\n
I took a stroll down Mulholland Drive, I guess because I\u2019ve been on a Lynch kick lately. <\/p>\n
It was\u2026 just a street, lol. I mean, there was some traffic, and some people, and some\u2026 stuff. The same stuff, really, that you would find on any street, in any city. Businesses, litter, noise\u2026 and I guess, that same sense of\u2026 yearning, that I feel, at least, in any big city. I feel a bit too small in them for my taste I guess.<\/p>\n
IDK. L.A. just seemed like\u2026 what it was. A city, not unlike any other I\u2019ve been to or heard of.<\/p>\n
I wonder what it was that I was looking for this morning. Peace? Belonging? A sense of responsibility, perhaps? Or did I just need to get out of the house?<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
Well\u2026 today, I plan to make my head stop pounding, first. Then while I continue to detox the fentanyl I will check out Lynch\u2019s earliest and rarest stuff on youtube. By luck, I was able to find it. It should make for very interesting viewing and dissection by yours truly. I mean his stuff from the late 60\u2019s. Were those student films? IDK, but I suppose I should find out. I was also able to find a few early short films made by Stanley Kubrick. I will be sure to watch all of those and take them apart piece by piece when I have time.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m bored of anime. I need something else.<\/p>\n
You know- I\u2019ve never seen Eraserhead<\/i>. I always kinda wanted to- IIRC Jonathan Rosenbaum put it on his list of the best 100 American films, but I was always too spooked by the cover when I used to pass it in Blockbuster Video back in the day. I think maybe I was too young for it, then. Maybe now I wouldn\u2019t be.<\/p>\n
I keep thinking off and on that I really need to investigate and watch more classic Hollywood and old film in general. Like- I found Disney\u2019s old Alice shorts on youtube, and have been watching those occasionally with other early animated Disney stuff. Reeeally interesting.<\/p>\n
Yeah, I need to dig deeper, I guess. Go into the guts of this stuff, really figure out what is going on, and where my powers actually came from, and why. I mean, if I even can, lol. TBH I can\u2019t make heads or tails of this stuff, even now. <\/p>\n
Somehow, I can trace a direct and concrete psychic relationship now between me and Hollywood that goes back to the mid 90\u2019s. Which is\u2026 frankly baffling. I mean, I don\u2019t get it, at all, and my investigations into this stuff only lead me into really weird and otherwordly explanations, like me being some kind of\u2026 clone, or synthetic human, or cyborg, or\u2026 something<\/i>, or me being somehow surveilled by the NWO from the time when I was a kid(!) for some unfathomable reason. Bizarre, but what else can I say? IDK. Was it my IQ? I used to routinely max out those IQ tests I would get as a student. Is that it? Maybe?<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n
But logical or not, there it is, though. Speaking of Lynch, we go back to 1997 and we get Lost Highway<\/i>, which\u2026 you cannot tell me is not at least partially based on teenage me, with my DID problems and, possibly, some undiagnosed schizophrenia. I mean, with the weird telepathic fantasies that so powerfully mirror my own at the time, and so many other details. Even the car is too similar to be coincidental. We also get Beverly Hills Ninja<\/i>, that Chris Farley romp that is obviously inspired by my teen years in the TaeKwonDo dojo. I mean- it\u2019s all there, from my awkward teenage self to from the uniform I used to wear to even my haircut at the time. From there, we link to Tommy Boy<\/i>, which is, geezus, perhaps the most blatant nod to me in Hollywood\u2019s history. I mean, Tommy Boy<\/i>? Keep in mind that I was 13-14 when this flick was made, was called \u201cTommy\u201d, and looked and acted like the protagonists in this movie.<\/p>\n
The Matrix? Sure, why not? Neo\u2019s real name is \u201cThomas A. Anderson\u201d- compare to \u201cThomas D. Jacobsen\u201d- he likes computers and hacking, like I do (I was a CS major at the time), he mastered TaeKwonDo, like I did, has fantasies like mine (I mean, with the dojo, again, and that white room, with the guns, and virtually everything else), lives a similar-ish life and has a similar temperament when serious, likes sunglasses and a generally dark motif like I do (I mean, look at this website), and\u2026 fuck it, why not? Sure, fine. <\/p>\n
This is\u2026 insane. I honestly don\u2019t get it. Am I that<\/i> different? I mean I can\u2019t possibly be, right?<\/p>\n
Well\u2026 IDK. Maybe.<\/p>\n
But\u2026 even if different, I have no idea how any of this is even possible, given the history I was taught in school. I mean, even if obviously true, I cannot square any of this away given how I was taught society is run and everything else. How is it possible for people to have been reading my thoughts and watching my every move back when I was like 13 years old? Was I telepathic even back then? I couldn\u2019t have been, right? Could I astrally project myself to this extent even back when I was a kid? <\/p>\n
Speaking of which, this brings us to the early Leonardo DiCaprio films, which have, yes, a few too many coincidences for my comfort. Were Leonardo\u2019s characters based on me, too? I mean, I looked like his characters back when those flicks were made, lived in similar circumstances and places, was the same age as they were, basically, and I acted like them often, and\u2026 it just\u2026 I don\u2019t get it. I just don\u2019t. Harry Potter\u2026 kinda? I haven\u2019t investigated that much, but\u2026 maybe?<\/p>\n
But Leo? I mean\u2026 yeah? I don\u2019t get it, though, and I mean I really<\/i> don\u2019t get it. Is this all just a series of weird coincidences? Am I reading too much into these movies or what? Can someone tell me, maybe?<\/p>\n
Charlie Kaufman? Obvious, right? Being John Malkovich<\/i>, anyone? And my own experiences with multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia might have formed the basis for his other stuff. I mean, I see it, so clearly now. You just follow the thread from Malkovich<\/i>, which is obvious, to his later works, which tie into my own struggles with DID in college. Again- his characters looked like me, at that particular point in my life, with the ill fitting clothes made worse by weight gain due to my mental problems back then. And the characters and I acted<\/i> similar too, during my weirdest times.<\/p>\n
And then there\u2019s Girl, Interrupted<\/i>, which is obvious considering my own DID and my telepathic infatuation with Winona at the time, and possibly, maybe Eyes Wide Shut<\/i>, and\u2026 <\/p>\n
There\u2019s just too many coincidences here, and everywhere. I don\u2019t get it. And I\u2019m not sure that I can, or ever will.<\/p>\n
I mean it just doesn\u2019t compute<\/i>. It doesn\u2019t seem logical, or reasonable. Or even possible.<\/p>\n
So baffling.<\/p>\n
Well, if even a quarter of the connections I have talked about here are true, I really am a breed apart. And if ALL of them are true, then\u2026 I don\u2019t know what to even say.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t be human, then. I mean, I\u2019m some kind of hybrid being, or something. I guess. Like, part alien? Or part\u2026 something. Something supernatural, like an angel, or demon. <\/p>\n
IDK.<\/p>\n
Fucking weird, lol.<\/p>\n
And, while I\u2019m thinking about it, we have that damn St. Elsewhere<\/i> ending, with that autistic kid named \u201cTom\u201d that looks to be my age at the time staring at that snow globe of his \u2013 you know, exactly like I used to do-, making fantasies up for Hollywood to make TV shows and movies out of. What. The. Fuck?<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t get it. Not remotely. I mean, am I literally just crazy or?<\/p>\n
Ugh. Who the fuck knows.<\/p>\n
Back to youtube, I guess.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I woke up this morning too early, like at around 3, and couldn\u2019t get back to rest. My head hurt. I think I\u2019m probably still detoxing, even now. Yuck. Not having the ability to do much else, I decided to hang out in Hollywood. I spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes sitting on top […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4036"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4036"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4036\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4042,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4036\/revisions\/4042"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4036"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4036"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4036"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}