I always knew that at some point one of my girlfriends, or ex-girlfriends, would die. I mean, of course. I have hundreds. <\/p>\n
I always envisioned it going something like this: me, in my nursing home, learning about the death of\u2026 I don\u2019t know, Anne Hathaway, of natural causes- IDK, of cancer, diabetes, whatever, and of me, the unnaturally young-ish wizard, smiling at what we had, wishing her well in the afterlife, and wondering who next would pass on.<\/p>\n
Or, in my darkest moments, I imagined killing myself before meeting that eventuality. Not because of fear of it, but of\u2026 well, just read the blog. Other stuff. I think I\u2019ve threatened suicide on here more than once, a long time ago, lol.<\/p>\n
But this\u2026 was not what I had imagined, or wanted. That the first death would be essentially a suicide borne of sadness and dissapointment was not what I had envisioned. <\/p>\n
I yeah, there’s that word again. Suicide. I’m back to it. I mean, she knew what she was doing. She saw it and lived through it, twice, with those she knew. She knew what she was doing and where her path would take her, at least subconsciously. This post has no room for platitudes. <\/p>\n
Last night, I listened to her new album. Wow, ouch. If she wanted to hurt me, well, good job, Cady. Yeah, that would be the way to do it. I mean, good album, but wow. Suicide can be quite a weapon if wielded well. It wounds deeply and leaves no room to respond. It hurts with no resolution except acceptance of failure, and of the pain of others left behind. It cuts with no possibility of proper healing.<\/p>\n
This was not what I wanted. Of all the people I dated, she was the one that needed to \u201cmake it\u201d, to overcome her problems, since she was the one that had been wronged the most by the industry. Her failure to find any kind of happiness in life as a \u201cnormal\u201d person after flunking out of the celeb life seems almost do be a confirmation of my worst fears. To have tasted that lifestyle and to have just\u2026 missed it seems to be the worst outcome.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t want what happened, because I want to believe in the idea that deep down, people can be happy regardless of how famous they are. <\/p>\n
But after this\u2026 man, I don\u2019t know. My unhappiest girlfriends and exes are all the \u201cnormal\u201d ones. The non-celebs, or the barely famous. The Z-listers. The ones who tried and failed.<\/p>\n
That is not what I want to see, because I really want to imagine that fame isn\u2019t important. Because if it is\u2026 that doesn\u2019t say good things about\u2026 anything. If fame is your only real measure of happiness, than the philosophers are all wrong. So, frankly, is everyone, including the celebs themselves. <\/p>\n
I reeeeeally wish this wouldn\u2019t have happened.<\/p>\n
I wonder if I did things right with her. I probably always will. Maybe\u2026 I did, which when I think about it, would be, ironically, the worst case scenario, because that would mean that she truly had no chance. If I did improve her life with my magic, my power, and she still found no hope and still needed to die, then\u2026 there truly was no way for her to escape her fate. It was sealed the day her brother died because of his own addictions, first. The part of her that she needed to live died that day as well, along with him. All I did then was delay the inevitable. To give her a brief respite from pain.<\/p>\n
And if I did her wrong, that would also be terrible, of course. For other reasons. <\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know which is worse.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, maybe often, I hate this country. I mean, I really, really hate it. What is has become; what is stands for. What it has done.<\/p>\n
That is another essay, though. It\u2019s just\u2026 I don\u2019t know what to say to this. Even a day after learning it I just don\u2019t know how to resolve this, or even what to make of it.<\/p>\n
Did I\u2026 kill her? Maybe it was my own sadness that did it. I mean, reference above, and my own threats of suicide. I mean it couldn\u2019t have helped.<\/p>\n
IDK. I guess I could sit here forever, thinking about this. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s not hard to hate how this country has ended up. All of our \u201cleaders\u201d are vile, noxious monsters. We have no society to speak of anymore, and few look forward to the future. Many live in fear, sequestered in their homes, terrified of what\u2019s out there, out in the cursed outdoors. And they can\u2019t brave the thought of leaving without being numb to their fear, whether it\u2019s narcotics, like Cady\u2019s dead siblings and me, or concentrated alcohol, like Cady, or\u2026 a milion other things. This country is frightening, and ugly. And evil. And its people live without hope.<\/p>\n
Except for maybe the celebs. My girlfriends. They seem happy. As a class, they might be the only ones.<\/p>\n
The rich, at least, live well. At least, they are not afraid. <\/p>\n
I guess that\u2019s the draw.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
Sorry, Cady.<\/p>\n
Though I do plan to hold you to your promises one day. You know, all those lyrics.<\/p>\n
Count on it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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