I’m cutting again. Don’t worry, yes I know, this is 1) Cliche- I know, some emo white nerd self-harms because he thinks the world is unfair, blah blah who cares what he thinks, lol 2) Dumb- Obviously, this is indeed stupid but whatever, I just feel it’s better than suicide at least, and 3) Temporary- just for now.<\/p>\n
So it’ll go away, in time. Also, see (2). Better this than an intentional overdose, which would I think be worse than all of those accidental ones I keep having.<\/p>\n
Whatever. So I took a box cutter today and gave myself a few new tiny scars on my left forearm. Teeny ones. Minuscule. Not a cause for worry, so please don’t. It isn’t worth it.<\/p>\n
This is all a stopgap measure. I’m sure things will perk up eventually. <\/p>\n
I knew I was going down this road when I couldn’t stop cutting my fingers with toenail clippers, lol. It’s like a natural progression of sorts. Biting nails -> toenail clippers -> box cutters.<\/p>\n
But whatever please don’t be concerned. I mean, not that you are but… lol. This IS better than suicide, which scares the shit out of me considering how easy it would be, and how much and how often I want it.<\/p>\n
I mean god it would be so simple. All of my problems gone in an instant. All of them, and I’d be off to a better place. I mean, would it matter? I’ve done all I wanted to do in life. And few if anybody would truly miss me. Nobody cares, lol.<\/p>\n
So what the fuck ever. I’m going to go back to cutting, at least for now, at least in some small form. Test the waters, see how it goes. I think I NEED this. So, good.<\/p>\n
At least I’m going somewhere in life. These things need to be managed.<\/p>\n
You know it’s dumb and very inappropriate to say this, I mean it’s just stupid and awful, I know, but I wish that Cady was still alive. Not that she has ANYTHING to do with this- she doesn’t- I mean, I’m immature, yes, but not THAT immature, at least I hope, but I wish she was here, and that she would have found some other way.<\/p>\n
It’s just like that thing with her really rocked my fragile little boat. I STILL hate what happened there. Like, what kind of monster kills someone like that? I mean I know not me, but seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? Oof. Gawd, poor poor Cady. Poor Cady for having met me. Poor Cady, for letting me in when all I would do is ruin her. I hate her for letting herself get wrecked by loving me. What was she thinking? Stupid chick, lol.<\/p>\n
I can still see her. The way she was. I’ve been listening to her music a lot lately- her demos and her popular videos. I can see her, she’s a part of me- but she’s not. Not enough. Not how I want her to be. I treated her extremely poorly, I know that now. Obviously, I took her for granted and… well, you know. The usual.<\/p>\n
I will neverrrrrrrr forgive myself for what happened there. Not even if I live to be 100. Which I will.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately. <\/p>\n
Whatever. My concerns are stupid.<\/p>\n
I mean, this isn’t Cady’s fault. It’s the other things. The bigger things, to me. Which means the small things, to others.<\/p>\n
Who cares, honestly.<\/p>\n
This is just me being dumb again.<\/p>\n
sigh<\/em>…<\/p>\n Oh and one more thing- no matter what happens here, this is entirely on me. This rests on my shoulders; nobody else had a hand in any of this at all. <\/p>\n It’s all fake, just remember that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’m cutting again. Don’t worry, yes I know, this is 1) Cliche- I know, some emo white nerd self-harms because he thinks the world is unfair, blah blah who cares what he thinks, lol 2) Dumb- Obviously, this is indeed stupid but whatever, I just feel it’s better than suicide at least, and 3) Temporary- […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3118"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3118"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3118\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3122,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3118\/revisions\/3122"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3118"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3118"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3118"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}