{"id":3912,"date":"2020-11-30T13:22:57","date_gmt":"2020-11-30T19:22:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sighinide.com\/?p=3912"},"modified":"2020-11-30T13:22:57","modified_gmt":"2020-11-30T19:22:57","slug":"im-not-dysfunctional-part-c","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/?p=3912","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m not Dysfunctional, Part C"},"content":{"rendered":"

100 posts, here. And I don’t know what to say in “celebration” of this.<\/p>\n

I don’t… want to go back. To normal life. I can’t, I’ve been out for too long.<\/p>\n

I… can’t even envision a life anymore that doesn’t revolve around drugs. I mean, for me.<\/p>\n

Like I don’t even know what I could do, or where I could even go.<\/p>\n

I mean I don’t want to be a statistic but… I just… I don’t know.<\/p>\n

Like, I don’t know if I’m even brave enough to walk away from the drugs and be like… a normal person. It’s like, that would be so… difficult, and weird. And I would hate it, because to do that would be to admit how flawed I really am as a person. It would be to admit how dumb I was in living this life and making so. MANY. Mistakes.<\/p>\n

I don’t want to admit that. I mean, to face up to what a colossal fuckup I really am. I just can’t. I can’t do that, no way.<\/p>\n

God, I don’t know what hurts more, these days. The drugs, my various illnesses, or this godawful emotional pain that seems to underpin all of it.<\/p>\n

I don’t know what to do. It’s like, even if I got off the drugs, I would probably still get back on, right? Because of this other stuff, especially the emotional stuff. Fuck me.<\/p>\n

I don’t want to live without drugs. I don’t; I can’t. I can’t go back to being that person I was, before. I just can’t. I mean, I hated <\/em>that person. I mean, my girlfriends seemed to like him, but… I… didn’t. I guess.<\/p>\n

Or maybe I’m making excuses to continue being a junkie, I don’t know.<\/p>\n

I don’t know. <\/p>\n

Maybe I fucked up in not seeking professional help for this.<\/p>\n

Yeah… maybe.<\/p>\n

Fuck.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

100 posts, here. And I don’t know what to say in “celebration” of this. I don’t… want to go back. To normal life. I can’t, I’ve been out for too long. I… can’t even envision a life anymore that doesn’t revolve around drugs. I mean, for me. Like I don’t even know what I could […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3912"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3912"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3912\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3913,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3912\/revisions\/3913"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3912"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3912"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sighinide.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3912"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}