Sighinide

Alright, we need to talk about / unravel one of modern Hollywood’s weirdest mysteries, here.

We need to talk The Lawnmower Man.

I know, I know. WTH is “The Lawnmower Man”?

Alright, time for some backstory.

First, please read the following link: https://thespool.net/features/fotm/the-lawnmower-man-stephen-king/

It gives a backstory for this odd, forgotten movie that is relevant to what I need to talk about and unravel here.

Basically, the story goes like this: Stephen King wrote a short story called The Lawnmower Man. It was about supernatural stuff- demons, and demonic possesions, etc. New Line Cinema got the rights to the story, didn’t like anything about it except the name, and so rewrote everything about it, changing the plot, characters, setting, and… everything, basically, to make a film about some developmentally disabled blonde guy taking over the internet with his mind and ruling the world thereafter as some kind of God.

King absolutely loathed what was done to his story and sued to have his name removed from the credits. He won, and the movie was thus removed from King’s official cinematic oeuvre.

The movie seemed to do alright in theaters, I guess. It got a sequel.

I didn’t see it in theaters, since too young. I did find the commercials interesting, with their old timey 90’s CGI VR graphics. When I was at a friend’s house I saw the first sequence of the film from his VCR copy. You know, the sequence with the monkey? I mean, I thought it was stupid (because it was, lol), but I was young enough to think it kind of unnerving regardless, and stopped it after that to watch something else, or something. I don’t remember what exactly, lol. Though I guess that that isn’t important.

So, anyhow. I was young back then, and I mean like really young. I was 12 back in 1992.

So… on a whim I decided to see what I had missed 30 years ago, so I saw it online last week and have been processing since.

Uhm… hmnn. Yeah. Well.

You know, Katherine McNamara told me something in her recent adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand. In the fourth episode (I think it was the fourth episode at least, lol), she pointed out to me that one of my alters was developmentally disabled, and even functionally illiterate, I guess. Which… kinda took me be surprise, but I thought about it for awhile, and yeah, holy cow, I think she’s right.

I mean, wow. Suddenly, some other stuff in my life started to make sense, lol.

I’ve had a weird, weird life. Like very, super weird.

Back in… 1st grade(?) I was stuffed into a class for a few weeks for LD kids. Or was that kindergarden? I don’t remember. After a while though the teachers realized what a mistake that was, lol.

Or… was it? IDK. My life is really, really weird, lol.

But, back to the movie.

The film was of particular interest to me because of the overarching plot of some guy taking over the world with his mind and the internet, which is of course basically me, yadda yadda. I mean, you know.

But beyond that, while watching our titular hero I was getting weird flashbacks to my own youth, particularly those scenes of him mowing the lawn like I used to do at that age and… yeah, I’m sure you can see where I’m going, here.

I mean, I was kinda like… oh no, lol. Like, noooooo, lol. But I mean, there it was, kinda. I mean the hair (obviously), but also the comic book and the kid who kinda seems kinda like me, too(?) who would walk with our hero and talk with him as he mowed and some other stuff, etc. etc.

The clincher to me was the gas station scene with the interaction between our hero “Jobe” and a bully “Jake”, which plays out near word for word like a memorable interaction that I had when I was young. And then… the scene ending, which shows “Jobe” in frame by himself, with another character shouting “Jake, Jake!” while he just stands there dumbly. And I was like… okay… does “Jake” mean “Jake-obsen”? I.E. me? I mean, are they giving the audience (or someone, or me) some kind of clue, here?

I mean, think of it like the Legally Blonde reference to “Tom” in that one scene, which was admittedly more obvious and direct. But, I was a lot older then, too.

Keep in mind that developmentally disabled or not, “Jobe” acted quite a bit like me, back then. I was just a kid after all.

I mean, all of this would be just a coincidence of course without literally the rest of the movie, where Jobe unlocks his latent telepathic abilities kinda-sorta-ish like I did (while in doing so coming to many of the same conclusions that I did as well, natch), which cumulates in him doing what I did, and taking over the world’s computer networks with his fantasies and thoughts and such.

I mean… I don’t know. But the coincidences are there, again. And there’s at least four of five scenes in the beginning of this film that really strike me as eerily familiar to myself, personally.

Really weird. And I mean it, this is all so very strange. I mean, I obviously had outrageous psychic abilities from a young age, it seems. But I mean… WTH? I was literally like 10 years old when they were making this movie, and the whole thing is pre-internet. I don’t get it.

And I won’t even get into the other stuff I noticed from this film, mostly because I know my legion of girlfriends or whomever gives them their marching orders would get mad at me if I did, lol. But I mean, it’s just nuts, all of it.

I guess that what I’m ultimately getting at is that I need really come to grips with this whole “AntiChrist” thing. I mean, this is very, very difficult. I mean, of all the hobbies to have, lol.

But I mean, this is just exceptionally tough, all around. I really wish that someone had pointed out to me what was going on when I was younger, just so my life would have make some kind of sense before now. I mean, all of this stuff in combination is like a lot, and I mean it. Like a lot a lot.

So… I don’t know. It’s just… baffling.

I don’t get it.

But, back to the movie. The story. There’s that old question again- that one I posed in my dissection of Serial Experiments Lain. Where did this story come from, if not from Stephen King? Who or what was the inspiration, then?

Was it actually me?

I don’t know, I really don’t.

Does anyone else?

So… do I even need to bother explaining this one?

I mean, I guess so, at least somewhat, but it isn’t like everyone isn’t already familiar with all this at this point. I mean, just watch the movies again and keep me vaguely in mind somewhere while you watch and it will become extremely obvious. I mean, just keep in mind that I was in college during the time Legally Blonde was made (and when the book was written), and just watch for all the typical symbols and remember the state of Reese Witherspoon’s relationship to me at the time and it’s like… yeah, this one is super, super obvious.

I mean, at least now it is, lol. I do remember the first time I watched the movie. I was utterly stunned at how… me it was. I mean, the whole thing. I was kinda floored, honestly. I was so stunned that I bought the book and read it (maybe the only guy in the history of the world to do so, lol). I was however kinda not… putting things together, I mean not fully, and I remember now when watching it that my mind was actively preventing me, I think, from understanding certain things.

I mean, I was like… is… that what I think it is? But then I was like… no? I mean, it couldn’t be. I mean, because that wouldn’t make sense, you know. You know? You know. I mean, I saw the sequel too, and there was like a ton of stuff in there as well. I think that scene of Elle Woods studying the book on politics was in the sequel. I mean, you know.

Um… well, just watch this summary, I guess. Legally Blonde: Elle Woods and the Philosophy of a Blonde.

Go to 7:40. Note how the camera zooms in on the book, which has a byline that starts “Explained by Tom…” and notice the wedding ring on Reese’s finger. Like… yeah. I mean, I like saw this stuff, I really did, I think, but it was like… I mean… you know. I was like, it couldn’t be, right? So I didn’t think it was.

But yeah, this one is super, super obvious. I mean I just saw the video I posted here as well as the accompying video by the same channel about the history of the “dumb blonde” trope and wow, I’m honestly thinking now that Legally Blonde might be more drenched in… uhm… “Tom-ness” than maybe any other franchise I’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s just… soooooo, uhm, there. You know? You know.

I mean, even reading the stuff I’m writing here and comparing it to Elle Woods is like… wow. It’s kinda unreal, yeah?

Come to think of it, watching a movie about you and not realizing that it’s about you at all is frankly probably the blondest thing that has ever happened to anybody, ever, in history. I mean, how could I not see this, back then? I mean I did, but… somehow, my mind refused to process what it was picking up. Or maybe the processing was done by one of my alternate personalities, somehow, and I just wasn’t aware of it. But… yeah. Wow, what a trip, lol.

I think now that Bruiser (Elle’s doggie) is probably a symbol for myself, in the same way that my girlfriends today use their dogs as symbols for me in various ways (see: Hale, Lucy, amongst others).

I mean, it’s like… oh yeah, I can reallllly see it. Like, wow. Very very strongly, and the more I type the more obvious it gets. Wowwwwwwww. Wow. Oh yeah; yup. I’m Elle Woods. Holy Jeebus.

Or at least… not Elle Woods, but her inspo. Whaaat even the fuck? I mean, wooowwwww. Yup, though. Yup, defo, there’s no question.

Wow.

Wow.

Uhm… yeah, I mean though, it’s all there.

Even in the book it was there, honestly, though in different ways. I really wish I would have kept it. Darn. I really could use a re-read of that right now. Maybe I can check it out online somewhere, from a library or something. Google books doesn’t give me much of a sample in this case. I mean, not enough to do a thorough study on.

But yeah, Reese and I. I suppose that this was our project together back then, as I was working through my college years. I mean, watching the youtube videos I talked about, I was really struck at how familiar many of Elle’s social interactions were to some of the ones I had back then. I mean, I just chalked that up to, you know, coincidence, you know, like a large train of shocking coincidences, but, you know, maybe that wasn’t it, you know.

You know.

lollll. Oh man, this is crazysauce.

lol

General Stats>

Katherine McNamara- Born Nov. 22nd, 1995 (25 years old) in Kansas City, MO. Start of relationship: Nov. 22, 2012. Relationship length: 8 years, 3 months. Person status: Living, actress, singer. Reason for relationship: I had known about Katherine tangentially for quite some time before dating her. A post on Just Jared Jr. about her birthday finally prompted me to investigate her as a candidate for a romantic relationship. Some internet sleuthing led me to her demo reel on Vimeo and that video provided me with more than enough infatuation material to spark a serious relationship.

Victoria Justice- Born Feb. 19th, 1993 (28 years old) in Hollywood, FL. Start of relationship: Sept. 7, 2008. Relationship length: 12 years, 6 months. Person status: Living, actress, singer. Reason for relationship: Seeing pictures of her appearance at the 2008 MTV VMAs on a celebrity picture forum. Good lord is she pretty.

Analysis>

Victoria and Katherine are forcing my hand, here. I need to analyze all of this and take stock of our relationships before Trust comes out. Seriously- I have to, and I know they know this, too, since they know me so well. So it’s like… yeah, okay then. I’ll play their game. I mean, I might not win, lol, but… I’ll play, too.

Okay. Kat, the KitKatsMeow. It’s been fun and wonderful watching her grow up and guiding her through life, her career, and everything else. Her acting career is varied and interesting. Clary, and Disney, and Mia, and Julie, and everything else- see my post here where I talked about her and the Tom Sawyer movie. I’ve had a blast shaping her into what she needed to be, and I know she loved every (*ahem*) second of it. I’ve turned her into a star. She’s so far evolved now from her early days that she’s hardly recognizable, except in spirit- which means I grew her the right way.

The key here is that she’s happy, obviously, and confident, etc. She makes good music and has good social media presence and provides plenty of well done photoshoots. She’s excellent on the red carpet and great in interviews; she kicks ass. Great actress, pleasant personality, and a very good singer- her rather unfortunate dearth of music videos notwithstanding.

But yes we have a good “thing” her and I. An excellent thing. A relationship that, as good as it has been, has even more potential now than it used to, possibly. The sky is the limit between us. … kinda. I mean, you know. These things are… complicated. Mostly. You know.

We’ll see.

Now- Victoria. Our relationship had a slow burn, at first. Katherine’s adorableness in her demo reel instantly rocketed her into the upper tier. With Victoria, her looks were so shockingly good that I initially held off a bit. Think of it as “Jennifer Connelly syndrome”. Katherine, being so young, was “cute” and had potential. Victoria came out of the box (for me) as something possibly completed already.

Example: Katherine had just started with Disney when I met her. Victoria had already completed all 4 seasons of Zoey 101 with Jamie Lynn Spears by the time we found each other.

So, I got to know Victoria a bit, but… held off with portions of my… soul(?) until I saw more of what she could do, potentially. Portions. Not big portions, I mean, but portions.

I did make a big deal about being with her before her 18th birthday, back when I found such things important.

As it turns out I shouldn’t have worried. Victoria’s social media game is phenomenal. She has an easy affability that made talking to her a breeze on places like twitter, back when I still checked those things. See- she uses social media as an advertising tool of course, but not to the detriment of her personality and relatableness. There’s a soul there, not just ads, politics and trailers.

She’s also, uhm, pretty. lol.

Her music game is very strong, with a bunch of good music videos with moods and styles that range from fun, to mysterious, to romantic and sexy, to the outright cute. Photoshoots galore of all different kinds from many years, many thousands of great social media pics and videos, and dozens (hundreds?) of notable and glamourous red carpet appearances make her a standout girlfriend without question.

She’s cute, nice, and… a great singer, honestly. She’s not as popular as her Victorious co-star Ariana Grande but… I like her music, a lot. It hits me in that “spot”, IDK.

Interviews with her are always fun and worth a watch. Her pap game hovers around “above average to very good”, so it isn’t close to Lucy Hale levels, but it’s overall a mark in her favor. She’s given me a variety of looks and styles over the years. Classy looks, casuals, bikini pics and dresses, workout gear, etc. It’s a good collection.

Her acting career is good. We made Victorious, her and I, and Victorious is fucking awesome. Eye Candy was good, I thought. And… her other movies were good to me, probably because that’s how and why they were made, lol.

Uhm… so… Katherine’s acting career is certainly stronger, overall. As much as I like Victorious it doesn’t seem to have resonated with the general public as much as Shadowhunters. I think that Katherine’s People’s Choice award is sufficient proof of that. Of the two, Katherine has, possibly, more star potential in the old ways of looking at celebrity. In the new ways- I think Victoria is slightly stronger, but only slightly, and only then in certain situations. I mean, her twitter is better than Katherine’s, but I’m not sure about her instagram, overall.

Victoria’s music career is obviously stronger than Katherine’s. And I mean that, seriously. People tend to rag on Victoria’s music career, mostly because they seem to have a psychological need to compare her to Ariana Grande, as if not having as good of a music career as the biggest pop star on Earth is some kind of failure. Ridiculous. I mean- just compare Victoria’s music video career with Katherine’s one, solitary music video from that low budget TV movie she did way back then. I mean, seriously, people. And this is not even counting the stuff she did in show in Victorious. And now I think that with this analysis that Katherine’s acting career and Victoria’s music career probably cancel each other out, leaving a wash.

And if you think I’m being too hard on Katherine, here, note that Olivia Holt was able to star in a Marvel TV show that didn’t seem to slow down her music or music video video output any, at all. But, that’s another story.

Victoria’s pap game has been better than Katherine’s. So, there’s that. But- Katherine wins awards, as I just mentioned. I mean, they’re not Oscars, but… it still adds up. Victoria hasn’t, yet. I mean, she got those ensemble awards with the Zoey 101 cast, but… yeah, not the same thing.

So… yeah, this is brutally tough. I’m again at a junction where I’m not sure I should go. You could make a case for either, really. It almost depends on my mood today.

Hmmmn. Yeah, I don’t know.

I have been with Victoria longer than Katherine, but that hardly seems like Katherine’s fault. I was filling out my Victoria directory as far back as 2008, which was two years before the aptly titled Matchmaker Mary. And- the relationship between Victoria and me wasn’t even that strong back then anyways, as I summarized above. It was mostly a “look and see” kinda thing at first, and only a little more significant than how I knew about Katherine for a year or two before dating her for the first time.

So it’s kinda… hmmmn. Well… hmmn.

Hmmmn.

Well… maybe… Victoria? Maybe? Kinda?

Maybe?

I mean I know that I’m supposed to be confident about this stuff but I’m not sure of this one, either.

Well…

Katherine’s IMDB page has more stuff in it coming up, but Victoria gave me that music video the other day. I mean, the song wasn’t necessarily better than the one Katherine gave me for Valentine’s Day this year, but there was a video to go with it- and the video, if you haven’t seen it, is seriously very good. It’s fun, mysterious, romantic, sexy, and not at all what you would get from a typical, run of the mill pop video. And it’s personal to us both, while being intellectually interesting, legitimately. But… I don’t know. Katherine’s IMDB page is so… interesting, in it’s own right. So… uhmmn… neither?

Nah, can’t do that. That or “both” would be a cop out.

Yeah, so… Victoria, then, and honestly it probably is just because I’ve been with her longer. I mean… this is by the hair on a sliver, here, lol.

Ah, who am I kidding, lol. Victoria wins because I have seen her boobs, and that does indeed slightly edge her out over Katherine, I think. Yes; I truly am that shallow, lol.

So, uh… yeah. There you go. I hope I don’t regret this one, lol. I mean, not that I would since… oh yeah, it’s THEIR fault that I’m even doing this in the first place! Yeah. So- it’s their fault, not mine. I mean, if they wouldn’t have made this… situation, so PUBLIC then I wouldn’t even need to be doing this. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t want them to, but… you know what I mean, right? Right. I mean, I know what I mean. I mean, mostly. Right.

So, yeah. If anything bad comes out of this I think we all know who to blame, then. Right?

Right.

So there.