Sighinide

I think I’ll vent some random stuff tonight.

———————–

I took a couple days off from sex mostly because I needed to deal with some mental and physical stuff.

I’ve been detoxing in a few different ways this year. Lately, I’ve been using LEDs- I use a combination of red, blue, white, infrared, and UV LEDs to… I guess activate my body, or provide energy, or something. I’m not sure how it works. I do feel better, though. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the lights interacting again with my cybernetics, or something. I’m not sure. We’re in uncharted territory, here.

But I do feel good. I feel very clean inside. It’s nice.

I think I figured out why I always have trouble with pushups. Its my wrists. I have very small wrists for a man. They’re only 5 inches in diameter, way smaller than average. They’re about an average woman’s size, or maybe even a little smaller. This makes pushups problematic, because I don’t have a woman’s frame. I’m 6 foot 3, 195 pounds. So this whole arrangement is difficult.

And frankly speaking, I don’t have a body shape that would make pushups easy, or even convenient. I have long arms even for my height, for example. I would imagine that if I were more compact they would go a lot smoother.

What I’ve needed to do is target the wrists directly, to get them more stable. I’ve been using grip strengtheners, and some dumbbells I bought that have really large handles. And these things do seem to have worked, so I’ve (finally) made the transition to “normal” pushups, albeit in small numbers.

My plan here is to work up to 100 pushups, using my own style of mixing different kinds. Knee pushups, military, diamonds, pikes, knuckles, fingers, Indians, etc. I never do more than 10 of one kind of exercise. I lose count and it’s boring (to me), besides.

Sure, why not. And I thought about pull ups but fuck that, lol. I had one of those pull up bars for my doorway but was never brave enough to use it. I’ve seen enough of those “Pull-Up Fail!” videos on youtube to know what happens with those things, lol.

I figure that the pushups will get me the strength and speed I need to punch and block quicker. You know, for that fight I will never be in, lol. But… yeah, sure. It works as kind of a “McGuffin” I guess.

I still use the leg weights, and am slowly increasing my balance, flexibility, and strength, etc. It’s a slow road- but if I can increase my flexibility in all directions by 1 mm a week, that is good enough. By next Christmas I should be in good fighting form, then. I don’t care if it takes “long”. I’m doing so much at once, physically, that that works just fine.

I also do barre. Ballet stuff- I do a good 20 or so barre exercises every week. The ultimate balance enhancer. I do them with dumbbells and leg weights to make them harder. I don’t give two shits if people think that’s “girly”. Fuck them. These exercises will give me kicking stability and leg balance better than anything I have ever had, even when I was at my peak. I think. Well, maybe not. I was 18 then, and now I’m… not, lol.

Well, that does it for the exercise stuff.

I’m also doing various cleansing stuff for my organs. Why not. I feel better and I think that I needed it, owing to all of my past drug addictions, lol.

And I use those electrical zapper machines, and vibration machines. Why not, lol. It all seems to help.

I still have two inches on my tummy that I need/want to get rid of. It’s frustrating. I don’t know, can I even get rid of them? I’m in my mid 40’s. I just want my teenage body back, dammit. But… I don’t know. Should I go cardio?

Do I already do cardio? Does barre count? I haven’t the foggiest. Does that mean just “walking”? I don’t know.

———————–

I hesitate to use the treadmill downstairs because I don’t want to go into my mom’s “zone”. It’s alllll politics in there, like it always has been. It’s kinda… ugly. And dumb. I mean it’s not even political theory. It’s just… dumb crap, about this or that political somebody. And it’s always whatever is the democratic talking point of the day.

She hates republicans, which I agree with. That I don’t care about. But she seems to think democrats are somehow better than they are. She’s wrong- they are both dreadful, but that never seems to have ever registered with her, and she’s been following this stuff for literally generations now. It’s kinda… baffling, honestly.

She watches political TV, allllll day long. CNN and MSNBC, mostly. She even watches those weird shows on CNN that only get thousands of viewers a night. I mean, literally thousands of viewers, in a country of 350 million.

Ugh, dealing with that crap is obnoxious at best, and toxic as hell at worst. And it’s always tiresome as hell to hear her rant about Trump, yet again. Ugh, good lord. I mean he’s not even in office anymore!

This wouldn’t be as bad, I think, if this hadn’t been going on now for generations. She’s been like this since the 90’s.

At times I’ve been political, too, but that was only when I wanted to actively change the system, and then, only temporarily. And I could change the system, and I knew it, so it wasn’t just a waste of time. My mom’s ranting, though… ugh, it’s so useless, and annoying.

This political nonsense occupies wayyyy to much of her thought processes. She doesn’t seem to do anything else, at all. She never goes anywhere, never ever even exercises, even to do something very basic, like use an exercise bike (one of which is literally 10 feet away from her at all times) or use some of my really light plastic dumbbells, which I have given her at various points. They just eventually collect dust, so I eventually take them back.

Politics is fine for entertainment purposes, I suppose. Or to learn this or that about the world, or something. But to take it seriously as it is presented is always toxic, and wrong.

I mean, obviously.

———————–

I’m still excavating more of my past. I plan to watch some of Michelle William’s old films, to see her opinions of me, and I guess to revisit myself.

I feel sometimes like an archaeologist.

I’m sure I can find Timemaster somewhere.

And in other news I need to watch Neverending Story. All of them; I think there are three.

I think these might be based on me playing with the dog I had as a kid. In fact I’m like 95% sure of it; the dog in those movies looks like she did. And they would have been released at the right time for that, too.

Yeah.

And how much do you want to bet Titanic is based on the fantasies I had of that one relative of mine that went down with the ship? I’ll need to look his name up, again.

Draw me like your French girls, indeed.

And I’m noticing stuff now in Terminator 1 and 2, even.

It’s fascinating, all of this.

It’s like Calvin and Hobbes. I guess it isn’t the case that all kids had that particular sandbox, or tree fort. Or that personality, or those toys, or that imagination, or those parents, or that wagon, or those woods, or that sled, and everything else.

It’s… pretty amazing, really. I grew up thinking that my childhood must have been exceedingly common and unremarkable- why, it’s portrayed in everything! Everyone had a childhood like mine, only theirs were a little more fantastic!

Not so, apparently. My childhood was in fact extremely and actually literally unique.

I don’t know, though. There was always this weird, nagging voice somewhere in head, that would tell me to look closer. And I did, but I couldn’t really process what I was seeing, or feeling. It just didn’t make sense.

Reading the comic now, though, I get it.

Is it the case that Calvin’s real name isn’t in fact Calvin? That is the impression I’m getting, now. Kind of like how Hobbes isn’t really “Hobbes”. In fact, if I’m reading the early comics right, I think Calvin’s real name might be Tom.

Reread the first book, if you have it, and tell me what you think. Look for the “Tommy Chestnut” strip, and think about the implications.

Kinda of like Tom as “Neo”, and a shedload of other people. I’ve been namechecked in a lot of things, including, very interestingly, Jhonen Vasquez’s Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.

And yes, I got that same weird uncanny valley effect reading that work as I did Calvin and Hobbes, so many years ago.

And a lot of other things, but… this is getting too long, here.

There’s a lot to think about, to say the least.

———————–

What else… the vaccines, maybe?

I purposefully have not really talked about them, yet. Not much, at least. I wanted to make this blog a “vaccine free” zone. It’s just… so political, and goddamn, am I tired of politics.

I suppose I’ll get the vaxx, but it won’t be the Pfizer one. Probably the Novavax one. The one that uses the old vaccine tech, like you get with flu shots.

I’m just not sure of the others.

I’m not worried, just not sure. I mean, I’m already a cyborg, so… lol. I suppose that a techno vaccine couldn’t make me more of a machine that I already am, lol.

———————–

So… what am I? I think I must have been some kind of shadow government / deep state experiment. I mean I clearly was. Interesting stuff, and honestly, kinda humbling. But it is what it is.

I guess the question is whether I was conceived as an experiment, or they turned me into one after I was born.

I don’t know, but I have an idea.

But that will wait for another time.

Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t actually know this stuff already?

Honestly, I feel like I’m always playing catch up, here. Like I’m always 40 years behind everyone else or something.

Yeah… I dunno.

Of course, this brings to mind the inevitable and persistent question of WHY I wasn’t told this- all of it- sooner, when I could have used this knowledge to at least know myself better, at an earlier age.

But we’ll get into that some other day.

AUGH, lol.

Good lord, people.

Okay, so I AM Calvin, then.

I mean it’s all there, everything. I think “Hobbes” is probably my old stuffed animals, imaginary friends and my… supercomputer, all rolled into one being.

And I’m the kid.

SO MUCH of that strip just seems to be me, that there’s just no way it can’t be. Of course, that is assuming that it’s based on a real person, and not just the cartoonist’s fantasies. Which it might be- but why would it, when EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD isn’t?

It’s finally like I get it, now. When I was a kid I had the first few books and read them often, and I found them funny, but not as funny as most. Mostly, they felt familiar to me, and I wondered why others found the material so… different. I mean, doesn’t everybody think like this? So why, then, is it so interesting?

Well… I get it, now.

Wowwwwwwww.

What a world.

Don’t think I don’t see EXACTLY what you’re doing, Miss Costanza. Because it’s OBVIOUS.

I KNOW that you know that I know that we all know what you know.

Releasing this? Jump? The DAY the Olympics started?

———————————–

Why you so afraid to face it?
Why you so okay with wasting time?
Bitter happy and you’re faking
Lost inside that black hole

So if you wanna run away
Tired of dreaming what it’s all about
And every time you get close
You try to change but you choke
Don’t be afraid to let it go

So just jump
What are you waiting…
What are you waiting for?
Don’t be afraid of wanting something more
Jump
Into the deep end
To find your way back up
Don’t be afraid of wanting more
Just jump

You only miss it when it’s all gone
It’s hard to see it ’cause you sunk so low
You keep on saying that the sun’s gone
Lost inside that black hole

So if you wanna run away
Tired of dreaming what it’s all about
And every time you get close
You try to change but you choke
Don’t be afraid to let it go

So just jump
What are you waiting…
What are you waiting for?
Don’t be afraid of wanting something more
Jump
Into the deep end
To find your way back up
Don’t be afraid of wanting more
Just jump

What are you waiting…
What are you waiting for?
Just jump
What are you waiting…
What are you waiting for?

So just jump
What are you waiting…
What are you waiting for?
Don’t be afraid of wanting something

Jump
What are you waiting…
What are you waiting for?
Don’t be afraid of wanting something more
Jump
Into the deep end
To find your way back up
Don’t be afraid of wanting more
Just jump

———————————–

What you need to know, Miss Costanza, is that I do things MY way, on my OWN schedule.

Not by yours. Not by others’. Not by ANYONES.

By mine. And mine ALONE.

Not that it isn’t… poignant, but still- it’s the principal of the issue, I suppose.

Yeah…

Right.

You know- I need to be more assertive.

RIGHT, then. Fuckit.

Right.

Ok, one more thing: keep all the sailing sports. Those are the perfect thing to just put on and just… IDK, vibe to, with the gradual movement of the boats and sounds of the wind and ocean waves.

I like those, although since they are long, I will be saving those for later as well.

I wasn’t feeling well the last few days, so I didn’t watch as much as I wanted, instead preferring/needing to do other stuff. Some idle notes, tho:

1) I think I got my girl of the games, lol. Bombette Martin. Wow she’s fucking cute. She’s another one of those that kinda seems… I don’t know, almost designed to specification, or something. The tells and symbols are really something else.

2) Having no audience makes for an interesting watching experience. In some ways it makes things much better, in others, no. Baseball is actually fun, now. Removing the audience and all the MLB baggage from the equation makes for a much better viewing experience, IMO.

One reason I dislike “Pro League” sports is that they have become a sort of quasi religion for much of the fanbase. Whereas people used to go to church, now they watch football every Sunday, etc. And gawd damn, does this bring a shitload of baggage into any sport. You can hardly “casually watch” pro games. Everyone involved gets wayyyy too invested. It’s not even about who wins, it becomes about the history, the players and coaches lives off the field, the commercials, the salaries, the politics, and mountains of other stuff. It becomes wayyy too much for a casual viewer.

There’s something really refreshing just watching two teams made up of people who like playing baseball just… play baseball, for the fun of it, and to just win a game. It’s fun. And the lack of an overwhelming audience of tens of thousands makes everything seem so much less… overwhelming, I guess. Certainly it becomes less noisy.

In a way it reminds me of the games I used to play as a kid. I have fond memories of playing and practicing baseball in the old summer nights, under the bright glare of the field lamps. It was fun, back when I was young. A lot of fun. I still have my old glove. It doesn’t fit anymore, but I guess the memories have earned it a place in my closet, next to a few other things.

I couldn’t keep playing for two reasons: 1) I have severe seasonal allergies, and 2) It got too “serious”, meaning superficial, mostly because of parents losing a proper sense of boundaries and becoming pushy and irritating, and thus injecting too much stuff into the sport that really doesn’t belong there. In my case, these two things collided; my parents are very much the type of people who get wayyyy too invested in the junk surrounding sports, and thus kept pushing me out there despite how sick I would get sometimes, with the longer games and such. Ick, yuck. Just yet another symptom of the cancer that is “pro sports”, I guess.

In my case, I much preferred indoor sports, due to the allergies. Sports like the TKD.

3) Speaking of which, the Karate on display this year looks much more like what I did as a kid then the TKD. They actually have punches there, lol. It looks much more physical, with some pushing / throw-ish moves and actual blocks and things.

That’s a complex issue, I guess. I think that what I was taught was a kind of mix of the two, with bits from each. Of course I went to multiple dojos too, and each teacher had their own style, with each emphasizing different things.

This was back in the 80’s and 90’s, back when I think there was a bit more fluidity amongst the styles, and I think less rigidity in the rules.

Some teachers I had did in fact have a karate background. Others didn’t.

I wound up getting two black belts, one from a dojo that taught I think mostly TKD type stuff, and the other from a more Karate inclined dojo. The styles were in fact quite different, thus needing me to get two different belts. This is even though both were advertised as TKD dojos.

Maybe it’s just that TKD sold better in my area than Karate, IDK.

But… there you go.

4) Volleyball I missed, and in this case, an audience would have been appreciated. I saw the gold medal match, and I might go back and watch some other matches after the games are over. Some sports I think benefit from an audience.

I think it’s like… does the sport allow the audience to overwhelm the athletics? If it does, then IMO the audience becomes toxic. If it doesn’t, than the audience is a good thing, a net benefit.

The NFL isn’t even much about football, and I think that that’s really why I hate it. It really does appear to be some kind of massive cult, or weird, postmodern religion, or something like this. It’s so difficult to watch any of this stuff and not get drawn into all kinds of extraneous, frustrating, and inappropriate crap. To become a fan of that stuff is to get pulled into a virtual lifestyle, where your whole identity gets reformed around “your” team.

Not that you know any of the people on “your” team, or that they have anything to do with you at all, on any level, in any way. Or that they even know you exist. But you still need to support them with your time, emotional resources, and money. Kind of like paying a tithe to the Vatican.

Unhealthy stuff, and not something I would ever want to be a part of.

5) The skateboarding and BMX audience environment is a healthy one, clearly. The ambiance of those sports seems to be more about support of everyone- athletes and audience alike, and becoming the best version of yourself, rather than slavish, embarrassing devotion to some city “team” made up of people who hate you from other cities.

3×3 basketball is fun, too. Very fun, actually! I would much, much rather watch that stuff than the NBA. It’s a revelation!

I haven’t seen an NBA game in eons. And outside of the Olympics, not a single basketball game in decades. But this 3×3 stuff is just golden. I like it, and I will be looking out for more of it.

Well, that’s enough for now. Might talk later.

CLIMBING?!?!

Sport climbing? Like people actually climbing stuff like walls and boulders in actual competition?

Fucking A!

Dawd damn!

Neat.

Fucking A, the Olympics rule.

THIS is what sports are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be inspirational, and fun. And enlightening- I think sports at their best teach as well as entertain.

This time around I’ve been watching some new-to-me sports like BMX freestyle, surfing, rapid fire pistol, skateboarding, and a few others, and god damn, these sports fucking rule. I’m learning SO MUCH this time around. I’m seeing new things and it kicks ass.

Unfortunately this also means I had to miss out on some swimming. That sucks, although I’ll try to at least see the best parts of what I missed, even if it’s after the games are over.

There are some great things coming up, I know, so I will need to prioritize them. Like trampoline. Fucking A, trampoline rules. Or rhythmic gymnastics. Or the marathon.

Last night at the track was great, such wonderful sportsmanship and drama and talent. Just awesome. THIS is why I fucking watch.

And there wasn’t any of the reprehensible crap on display that you get from, say, the NBA or NFL or UFC with any of their embarrassing trash talk nonsense or whatever other infantile shit they do to stir up needless controversy. Those leagues seem to go out of their way to appeal to the lowest common denominator sometimes. Fuck ’em, they suck.

The Olympics do sports right, I think, not to mention their athletes are better athletes. The olympic rings are probably the best display of athleticism of any sport. They display not just strength, but endurance, balance, coordination, and concentration better than anything else I’ve ever seen. Pro gymnasts are the best athletes on the planet.

Other notes… the US anthem sounds the best instrumentally, I think, of all the national anthems. So glad we went with Star-Spangled Banner over America the Beautiful.

On a purely jingoistic front, I do kinda wish I had kept up with the swimming. US crushed everyone there. It was kinda amazing to see the last day of swimming (which I actually just finished up). US lost one gold, and there, only by a fraction of a second. Amazing.

Jade Carey kicks ass.

Other stuff…

Yeah these sports are inspirational, at least to me. They make me want to be a part of what’s going on, even if only tangentially.

Now that I think about it, I probably should have tweeted Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt, like I did Nastia and Shawn. I’ll probably do that.

That was a nice shout out that Michael gave me during the start of the swimming program. Thanks bro.

Yeah, you know, this is some great stuff. It’s like the best parts of a party, an enlightening lecture, and… I guess a series of championship games, all rolled into one. And it’s great.

On the personal front, I’ve started doing TKD again, even if only in my house, with a couple of leg weights attached to each leg. 4 different weights in total. I also do pilates like this, now. Nice. My daily dumbbell routines have built up quite a bit of speed and endurance in my upper body. Neat, that’s what I wanted. I don’t work out for size, or honestly even for strength. Just balance, speed and endurance. I guess I lift differently than most, but it works well enough for me.

Speaking of TKD, wow, the sport sure has changed. Nobody punches anymore. Or even blocks or guards, it seems. Maybe I was just watching the wrong matches, but IDK. It’s… different. Do punches not count anymore?

I was always trained to keep my hands up at all times. Yeah, I don’t know.

This is fun. Yeah, I might actually watch some of this after the fact. I can see almost no way to fit all of this in, with all the other stuff coming up, and especially now, since I can see entire events uninterrupted. The primetime highlight reels I used to watch in years past skipped over quite a bit of stuff, it seems.

So yeah, cool.

This is good stuff. It “works” in that it does what sports are supposed to do. It’s not like the NFL, which seems to almost encourage sloth and mindless, empty consumerism.

Neat.