Sighinide

1) I haven’t heard most of his music, like almost everyone else, though what I’ve heard I’ve liked, like almost everyone else.

2) He had a lot of talent.

3) It’s probably in bad taste to release his unreleased music posthumously. He didn’t release that music for a reason- is it because he didn’t want it released? Personally, I have always disliked posthumous music releases. They seem exploitive to me.

4) Why is it that lady killer types seem to always have obvious- and often very public- feminine sides? It’s weird. I’m thinking now of Bowie, Prince, me, the whole “glam rock” scene, the metrosexual models of the early oughts, etc. It’s kinda illogical, isn’t it? Yet, there it is.

5) I wish that black American musicians had stuck to their roots and not sold out to whites as much as they did. Prince, to me, seemed so much more authentic than the pop musicians that fill the ranks of “rap music” who make white music for white peoples’ benefit.

6) Prince was more talented, overall, than Michael Jackson. Thriller was primarily a producers’ album.

7) Prince had a lot of style. You can tell that he was a master of his craft because was popular, yet unique- he was his own genre. Usually, artists that sell tens of millions of albums have their style copied endlessly by others for profit reasons. Yet, almost nobody copied his- perhaps because others thought they would look bad in comparison.

8) Hmmm… something negative. He should have done something to prevent the selling out of Black America. Once whites moved into black neighborhoods and forced crack and “gangsta rap” on them, blacks were finished. Prince, and others, like Jackson, should have stood up and demanded that whites not do this. It is because they didn’t that the black race in the US has been so defeated, humiliated and destroyed.

9) I need to think of something else that’s negative. Mmmmm… let me think. I didn’t like his stance on mp3’s.

10) Last thing- the reason that everyone is upset now is because the pop musicians of today can’t remotely compare to him, talent-wise. They just can’t. If Prince had had a worthy successor- especially a black one- people wouldn’t be so distraught. But, he doesn’t. So of course people are upset. They’re looking at the past now because the future of pop radio looks so barren. We have Taylor, of course, and she’s talented, but she’s no Prince, and the same can be said of every pop star I can think of that has emerged in the past 15 years.

This week, I took the plunge.

I’ve been holding off now, procrastinating, for over 10 years. Because I wasn’t ready. Because… I don’t know. Because I wasn’t interested, even though I was.

It’s complicated.

This week, I started reading Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series.

I started reading it because 1) I feel ready to read again about vampires, 2) I was curious to see what all the hubbub was about, way back then, and 3) to see when, exactly, all of… this started.

By which I mean me. The vampire.

When did this start? When did I become known to Hollywood and novelists and everyone else? I don’t know, but I think that Stephanie Meyer can tell me.

I can think of several scenarios vis-a-vis me and Twilight:

1) I have nothing at all to do with Twilight on any level, not even coincidentally.
2) The characters of Edward (and Bella, perhaps) and I have some coincidental similarities. Meaning that I had no influence at all on Meyer when she wrote the books.
3) Meyer created Twilight under my influence without her knowing.
4) Meyer intentionally based Twilight on me. Meaning that I’m “Edward Cullen” in the same way that I’m “Christian Grey”.

I have long believed that Twilight had nothing to do with me, at all, since it was published in 2005, and I don’t think I was influencing things in a major way back then.

But… I’m curious, on so many levels. I need to know, about everything. About the books themselves and about who I am as a person and what I’ve been doing all of these years.

So- I started reading the first book, here and there. I read a chapter, process it, think about it, and then return. I’m up to chapter 11, Complications.

My initial reaction?

My own past has interesting parallels with Bella Swan and Edward, but I’m not sure of what to think yet. I’ll need to read more.

In regards to Edward… my fantasy vampire personality and his own are a perfect match. I mean, they are identical, and he has many of my other habits, as well. Like the driving thing- he speeds constantly and excessively, but is able to use his psychic abilities to easily detect and avoid problems on the road. I used to drive in the same way. And of course his eyes do the exact same thing as mine do in real life. And he talks like I do, in public. And others seem to regard him in the same way that they do me (the people who don’t know I’m a vampire, I mean).

What I don’t have in common with him is his uber-muscular physique, of course, and his love of hunting.

And of course the whole blood drinking thing, and the vampire family thing.

But… when you compare Edward to the fantasy me of ten years ago, there are very, very strong similarities between us. Very very strong. Uncomfortably strong. I’m not sure of what to think.

Is Edward my fantasy vampire person, circa 2005, used in a book? I don’t know. He easily could be. Or- maybe he’s just a vampire, and that’s how fictional (and real, apparently) vampires are.

Now, let’s talk Bella Swan.

Her personality is a very strong match to my real life personality of around 2005. And I say that with an understanding that her character has been criticized as a “blank slate” type character that was designed specifically so that everyone who reads the books would identify with her.

I’m not sure of what to think about that, either.

Like Edward and I, Bella and I have so much in common, down to the odd details, for me to be comfortable. I mean, details like her mom’s personality quirks and appearance (like her hair cut, even), which so closely matches my own. And her dad, Charlie, who so very closely mimics mine in personality.

Bella acts so much like the me of 10 years ago that I’m actually wincing with familiarity while reading the book. And I’m doing it often.

Do others do that, though? Bella is supposed to be an every-person- someone that everyone can see the action through. So, maybe there’s nothing there for me to be concerned about.

And, there are differences. Her bad coordination. Her cooking talents. Her lack of technical knowledge. Her parent’s marital troubles. Her girlfriends. I had none of those, back then.

But… I don’t know. Her personality is just SO MUCH like the me of when the book was published. I don’t know.

And… she’s a girl, of course. I imagine that it is extremely rare for an adult male, aged 25, to have a carbon copy of Bella Swan’s personality. Was I unique, for some reason, in that aspect?

We’ll see. I’ll read more. The Volturi interest me for obvious reasons.

After Twilight, I’ll read the Hunger Games books.

I need to know who I am, and how much influence I’ve had over this world.

I must know.

Not really ready, yet. Not today. Not for a little bit.

It’s the same as everything else.

I need some time to do some things, on my own. I need to figure some things out, still.

I will. Just give it time.

Ok, OK, OKAY. Fine.

You know, sometimes things bug me. The machinations, I mean.

People, I’m not a machine. Everyone seems to think that if you push the same buttons and you pull the same levers, and you do the same things and post the same things on Instagram, and say the same things in public, and wear the same things on the beach, and walk the same way in front of the paps, that… that it’ll work out, and you’ll get what you want.

So… sometimes, I rebel. Sometimes I DON’T give people what they want, because… I’m NOT a machine. Because I’m not predictable. Because I’m not so… understood.

THAT’S why I stayed away. There’s nothing wrong with Ariel. She did do everything “correct” and had everything going for her- she was under 18, on a TV show, has a popular Instagram, etc… but- no. You don’t control me, Ariel. I do things on my own schedule, not yours. So take THAT.

See, you THINK you understand me. You all do. But you don’t. At least, not usually. Or maybe sometimes.

Now she’s 18, so NOW I’ll go back to Ariel. I’ll start things with her when it’s least expected of me. So there! See- just because you read the script and follow the formula, doesn’t mean that you get guaranteed anything. Especially not with me. Because I plot my own plan and take my own road. Because I go where I please, and not where I’m supposed to.

So… I’ll go back to Ariel now. I’ve made my point.

So there!