Sighinide

Need another hit, I swear to God I’m punching a wall if I don’t get one. This is absolutely ridiculous. Fuck. FUCK.

Oof, no, I will try to… maybe not. Maybe tomorrow morning. Stretch it out, you know?

If I can.

Jeebus, watching trainspotting clips on YT is… helping?

Actually, yeah. It is. It IS helping. A lot. More than you might expect, seriously.

Thanks, guys.

Ok, then. Time to make it through the night.

Oof, OK.

You know, all things considered, maybe this wasn’t such a bad Halloween after all. I have a plan to get clean, and I’m… enjoying myself, writing these blog posts. So, not terrible. It’s a pity the candy chasing was such a dud outside.

Ah well, more YT. Then, bed.

Gods, I’m not looking forward to that, lol. Oof. No, not at all.

Good night, world.

God, how I wish my nerves didn’t feel like this. But, you know that.

‘night.

Fuckit. Let’s get real dark, shall we? I mean, it’s the perfect day for it, whatever those pussies I call normies might think.

Alright. So. I’ve been skirting around this issue for years, and I think now might be a good time I guess to delve into it. Yeah…

So.

I’m a necromancer. A death wizard. I can use the power of death and dying, and of manipulated souls held in bondage, to strengthen myself. I can breech the barriers between this world and the afterlife to such a degree that I can strongly influence things on the other side. They know me there, quite well. I can curse people, and objects, in truly incredible ways. I can hypnotize people with my eyes. Summon demons and other spirits, when I want. Create such demons myself, when I want to. And of course, communicate with the souls of the living, and the dead, to such a degree that I can carry out long-term relationships with them, should I choose. And in spite of this, I lust for immortality- to conquer death completely; to be it’s master, eternally. And to do this I often employ “black magic”, like sex and violence rituals, to acquire the energy needed to hold myself in an unnaturally young state.

Basically, I’m the quintessential evil wizard. When you watch an old Hammer horror flick, usually, the bad guy is a necromancer. So was Sauron from Lord of the Rings, and Voldemort from Harry Potter. And the Horned King, from the The Chronicles of Prydain. And The Lich King, from Warcraft. Also- Dracula could be considered one, I suppose. As well as the Night King from Game of Thrones. And also, for completeness, Bela Lugosi’s character in White Zombie. And I suppose, Dr. Frankenstein, and maybe Rotwang.

So… yeah, I’m “evil”, lol. Probably very, very much so. Like, I probably scare some people, lol. Like maybe a lot, which might kinda sorta be the reason why people are freaking out, now. Like, a lot, lol. I mean… how would you react if Lord Voldemort put up shop in the Chicago suburbs? LOL.

That isn’t to say that I can’t do “good” magic as well. I mean, I do. Quite often in fact. Actually, more often than most “good” wizards, who are… all so very, very weak, lol. But still… yeah. I’m kinda super evil, here.

Necromancers have certain traits. “Evil eyes” that can steal the souls of their victims, for example. And often, a profound ability to… love? Apparently. A lot of them get into necromancy to talk to their dead ex-girlfriends. At least in fiction. And apparently in real life, too. And uh, arrogance. Which mayyyybe I have too. Just a little. Juuuuuust a tad. A smidgen. Maybe. LOL.

But seriously, I’m like, super evil. I have no qualms about stealing Cady’s soul and chaining her to me, here (I mean, she doesn’t mind, either, but that’s kinda not the point, here). Seriously. And it’s not like I asked her Mom for permission, or something. I don’t even know who her mom IS, lol.

I mean, I don’t care. Whatever.

That isn’t to say I’m not human. I am, of course. No matter how much death energy I absorb, I remain who I am, that working class suburbanite. And I suppose many might say that I’m more human than most “normal” people, even. Crazily enough. Like my unnatural youthfulness makes me more of a pure person than most regular, non-evil people.

And, oddly enough… people… LIKE this? I think. Ok, here’s the unexpected part. It’s like… people reeeeally want to be entranced by an evil wizard, I guess. Maybe for the experience? I don’t know. This part, I was not expecting. I was worried about the pitchforks and torches for awhile there, to be honest. I mean, seriously. Literally, like I would lay awake at night kinda worried, lol.

But apparently, nobody much cares. It’s kinda baffling. In fact, much of the public seems intent on cheering me on, at least somewhat. Maybe the “novelty” factor is strong here, IDK. But… um… yeah.

You know- seriously, guys. Like a LOT of the things we see here are kinda sorta maybe because of me. I mean, you know. I won’t get into it in this post, though. Too much I guess.

But yeah, it’s kinda shocking, how the public has grown to love me over the years. It’s like, everyone finds something to like in what I do, like maybe the presence of an almighty evil wizard was what people really needed all along- and that maybe explains the immense popularity of necromancers over the generations. People really seem to take to them to for some reason.

Perhaps it’s their mastery over death that encourages people. Like- this dude conquered death. Holy balls! That means that I can do, IDK, this thing I’ve always wanted to do!

Yeah… maybe that’s it. In slaying death, peoples’ worst fear, I have freed them to be themselves. Like, maybe necromancers are… kinda… the good guys? Maybe? I don’t know. It’s so… weird. Growing up I always thought they were evil, you know?

Or maybe I’ve just hypnotized so many people that they can’t escape my mind control, lol. IDK.

Or some combination of all this.

Uh, well, I need to end this, here. It’s been fun.

Hmmnn… she’s doing well. Awesomesauce.

Gracie, hun, feel free to drop me a line, anytime.

Now that I’ve got some ah… free time… I wouldn’t mind reconnecting with you, when you want.

Happy to see you’re happy. You know, I always kinda thought that we had a nice connection. A deep one. We “meld” well.

In any case, you are cool, and so am I, so… yeah, we “fit”.

So, yeah, seriously. You have real talent when it comes to connecting with necromancers, I guess, lol. If you would put yourself out there juuuuuust a little bit more, I mean you know what I mean, then maybe we could see what the future holds, together.

Don’t worry I understand completely the difference in your circumstances from those of, IDK, Selena Gomez, lol. But don’t not try simply because you might compare yourself to her. Please, give it a shot, I mean, if you want. I’m not one to forget a girl that I like, lol. I mean obvs.

See you on the ice,
Tom

I’m not sure why I’m even still blogging. Bored, I guess.

I suppose one could get a sick thrill out of documenting the death of a country, or something. Yeah, that might be it.

Well, at least there is still something of a community, here. Count your blessings. Not too many heroin addicts dying on the street corners in broad daylight like there are in other parts of majority-white US. Yet. Though I see more of that stuff now, more than I used to, certainly. I guess the relative wealth of this area has kept it insulated from too much of that.

I do see heroin addicts now, though. I mean, in other parts of town, poorer parts, where they used to be none, when I was a kid. The death of the United States is like the slow erosion of a continent. It happens through years, though it’s effects are unmistakable and permanent when done. It’s like some kind of creeping, omnipotent death, nipping at my heels.

There really is nothing more awful or sad than seeing the heroin addicts on the streets where the businesses used to be in the neighboring town, here. It’s… awful. They look like the walking dead. Nobody who values their lives goes there at night, anymore. It’s like a zombie infestation.

I mean, you can get heroin in my neighborhood too, but it’s not like that.

Oof, speaking of which… yeah. Ugh, ow. I CAN’T give in, lol. Yeesh. Oof, I CAN’T. I mean I want to, so badly, but no, I CAN’T. No, nope, no, never, I can’t. No way, no how will I even consider it. No way. No way, no way, no way. Never.

Ugh. Well… wait, what was I thinking about? LOL. Oh yeah, death, or something. Heroin. Right. So uh…. yeah.

WHEW. Jeebus, I seriously shouldn’t have even though of it, I need another hit. Damn it, FUCK. I had this great train of thought going and then… BAM. Ughk, I’m shaking, again. Oof, so dumb. Throat is closing up, skin gets… paler. Eyes scream, nerves turn to jelly, horrible twisting pain in my stomach. A hit WOULD calm me. It would. And make me feel loved, again. Like… a warming hug, all over inside of me. It would be heaven, so much. I just need ONE, that’s it. Only one. I NEED IT. SO MUCH.

Yeah, ugh. Oof. OW. I mean, it’s just so wonderful, isn’t it? IDK what I was saying, earlier. Maybe I’M the dumbass, lol.

Yeah, woah. A hit would be so good, right now. Like, so good. So pleasant, so beautiful. It would make me whole, again.

I’m… getting one?

I… should. Just once. No harm. Just once.

Yeah… I…

Um…

I need to stop.

Eh, well, there are a few kids out there, collecting. They seem a somber lot. Their parents could not be less enthused.

There’s a distinct lack of, IDK, laughter, as opposed to previous years. There’s a number of my neighbors outside working, like cleaning the gutters and such. Really ruins the mood. None of the parents seem to have dressed up, or bothered much to put on a show themselves.

And there’s a distinct lack of outdoor decorations this year, too. It’s all so… boring. Dead.

Awful. Not a holiday to look forward to, at all.

This sucks.

I took a few pictures of some of the kids with my new phone. Ok, that’s… something. Wow, I guess. OK, then. I mean, why not. Might as well have something to remember this day by besides the… cravings. Which are there, and which I will NOT give into. Nope, not me.

Yeah.

So……. ok. Ugh, how dreadful.

Yeah, the more I look at it, the more it seems this COVID shit really is just a made up… crisis, so the government can “solve” it, and not look completely and utterly incompetent, like they do when they try to fix any real, actual crises.

My stupid, naive mother brought me up some ice cream. She thinks I have a cold, lol. What an idiot. She literally doesn’t know I’m a fentanyl addict. Christ, how dumb can you even be? It’s tragic, really. Had I had better, smarter, less stupid and gullible parents, perhaps I wouldn’t have turned out this way.

Yeah, my idiot parents decided to not give out treats this year, because CNN told them not to. What dumbasses. They didn’t want to bring the “disease” into the house. Meanwhile, I’m upstairs dying of fentanyl withdrawal, and they literally have no idea, lol. They are typical boomers, I guess. Absolute morons. Gullible fools who live vicariously through the idiot box. Dumbasses to the core.

LOL.

sigh.

I guess it’s done. It took like a half hour this year for Halloween to be completely finished. There are no kids out there, anymore. Can’t see them, can’t hear them.

Christ, how stupid, and boring. What a waste of a holiday.

This fucking sucks.

Every year, I use Halloween as a sort of barometer for how I’m doing, in life and healthwise.

Obviously, this year doesn’t hold up well, like at all.

I’m in no mood for Halloween. I’m frankly tired of being scared. It’s… old, boring. I want to feel happy, for once. I mean, no imaginary monster is worse than the one that is literally eating away at me, right now. The one that is chewing through my life like a ravenous wolf through a fresh kill.

Seriously, not in the mood to be “scared” right now.

They are doing “Halloween” this year in my town, though. We’re not participating. I suppose I may take a glance now and again out a window to look at the costumes. Might be fun. In fact I hear some kids out there right now…

Uhm, nothing, really. They were across the street. It’s probably the whole “not giving out candy” thing that’s keeping them away. Can’t say I blame them, lol. We don’t have the sign in our window, so they know not to bother.

Uh, yeah. It seems so… boring, IDK. Like, this year, and all that is happening. It’s so much fluff. I’m sure it means something to the kids, but, really not much to any adults I know. There is too much else going on, whether it’s something real, or imagined.

And again we’re back to that.

To throw in the requisite Cady reference, today I looked up Cady in those “In Memorium” videos on YouTube. Ugh, THAT was a mistake. I’m sure it’s obvious why. But a comment caught my eye, there. Someone watching the video commented that he was shocked at how many young people were in it, having died of apparent suicides (like, Cady would fit this one).

Kinda makes sense. The life expectancy here in the states is dropping, still. In Canada it’s like 82, or 83. Here in the US it’s like 77, 78. A grim testimony for how shitty our leadership is. And- life is harder, up in the frozen north, than it is, here. The only reason we are dying younger than Canadians is social factors. Like Opioids. And obesity. I mean, real plagues. Not like that made-up “COVID” bullshit.

The leaders here in the US are experts at wasting peoples’ time. Like, they constantly string out ridiculous boogeymen in front of the public as distractions, to avoid any real issues, which they are as a rule incompetent at dealing with. I mean, whether it’s nuclear war, the USSR, COVID, Al-Queda, or any number of other stupid, nonsensical phantasms, it’s all equally junk. All worthless.

The real problems here have been festering now for a hundred years, or more, with no real attempt at remedy. It’s just that we’ve been plundering this rich land of it’s resources, so we’ve had the ability to stave off the day of reckoning. Until now. It’s like, the chickens are coming home to roost, so to speak.

The real problems need fixing, now, or this place will be a desolate wasteland in 100 years, guaranteed. Perhaps sooner.

Ugh. Enough with the fake monsters, people.

Let’s try dealing with some real ones once in a while, OK?

Guess I’ll throw the “L” back on there, lol.

Uh, so, I’ve been youtubing… holy shit, people.

Yesterday I saw a bunch of videos on Bruce Lee. Apparently he died of… something to do with prescription painkillers. Injuries caused a… problem, of some kind? An allergic reaction? Addiction, maybe? Something, the details are fuzzy, but opioids killed him it seems.

Personally- and this is just a hunch- I would put my money on “addiction”, there. Which I know Lee’s fanboys will not like, but it seems the most logical, and reasonable, cause of death. I never bought the whole “killed by Acetaminophen” meme that was popularized back in the 90’s in schoolyards. I mean, the “allergic reaction” hypothesis. Always seemed fishy to me. Kinda dumb, like it was a desperate cover story. Kind of like his fans wanted to concoct some flimsy possibility to save their egos from some kind of nasty, real reality there. For awhile, I thought it might be steroids. Just a guess. But a painkiller overdose seems more reasonable to me, knowing his history, and his injuries. Hmmn.

Today, I was just watching random shit and came across a clip from some dumb 90’s movie with Bam Bam Bigelow in it. He, also, apparently died of a painkiller overdose. Yeesh.

And Cady’s brother, of course, which I’ve been focusing on, here.

And me. Jeebus, that’s a lot of people. It’s like… you can’t escape this shit!

Guys, what the fuck? Look at this disaster that you’ve created.

Whole towns have been wiped out by this shit. WHOLE TOWNS.

Entire STATES are threatened by it. Literally, like entire states, like the whole thing!

All of this, and you focus on… COVID?

Seriously?

Guys, what the fuck are you doing?

OUR COUNTRY IS FUCKING DYING.

Jeebus, people!

Nobody in our “ruling classes” deserves to rule. Nobody. NONE OF THEM.

Ughk, guys… what are you even doing? Seriously. I don’t get it, and my head hurts even trying to comprehend it.

This place fucking sucks.

Oof. UGHK.

Ow, but I’m hurting, here.

I need to rest again. Gods THE PAIN. Ow ow, lol.

Oh, it hurts.

Ouch, oohh, ow OW OW.

Ow.

Talk later.

Oof, ok, then. The half dose I took actually seems to be… kinda working? It’s hard, hard to take it and be satisfied but there is NO WAY I can feel… that again. NO WAY. What an unconscionable thing to do to a living being, that is. How cruel am I? I mean, it’s to myself, but still. I am human, and no human being should ever be put through what I’ve been through. In my own twisted way, I’m a monster, I think. Something I will need to deal with and fix.

I still feel bad, very bad, but not… quite on the edge. The edge of suicide, I mean. Oh man, what a miserable hell this kind of addiction is. It’s too much on the body. Way, way too much. Fentanyl is apparently the most addictive substance known to man. No argument from me, there. Holy shit. I feel like I’ve been run over by a semi. Absolutely unreal. What enormous pain it brings; absolutely enormous. It’s unfair, unconscionable, inhuman. It’s death, death to everything. It twists you and turns you into… something ghastly.

“The worst health crisis we have ever seen”? Yes, I would believe it. Wholeheartedly.

Oof, ye gods, what horrible, awful, ugly pain. Holy shit. Gods I still struggle to breathe.

I gotta get off the fentanyl. Got to, have to. I won’t make it to Christmas otherwise. Oof, oh man, this is unfair, absolutely unfair.

Ow ow ow ow ow. Ok, another day, then. Another day to make it through. Another day of sunshine to absorb and youtube to watch. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll… no. I’m staying put, this weekend. Oof, ow, gods it hurts. Absolutely monsterous. Even with my magic protecting me, I can’t even deal. It’s still almost way too much.

Uh, I need to end this, here. I’m too tired to continue.

Alright. Bye, for now.

Wish me luck, world.

Horrible, so horrible.

Had the hardest time today stopping myself from getting a gun downstairs and ending this. It was close, but I did it.

I’ll just take half doses from now on, and stretch them out as far as I can. I will get off, but not all at once. I am only human.

Currently listening to Cady’s N’ Sync cover. Good stuff. I’ll still do this for her, but for me, too. Because I deserve it.

Because I deserve a life, too.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my time here. I have so many regrets and have so much disappointment that at times it doesn’t seem fair, like I’ve been cursed, or something. I wish so much I could go back and change things. Because I would change everything, I think.

I wish I had done things differently, lived differently… almost, been a different person… I think. Maybe then, everything would have been better.

It just hurts so much, even now. The pain is super intense. Inhuman. It’s too much to handle, I think for anyone. Even with my magic protecting me, my defenses are nothing against it.

I’m in trouble. It’s bad, so very very bad. It’s unfair is what it is.

Don’t I get a second chance? We’re all people. We all make mistakes. Can’t get a do-over? I mean at least with some of these things?

I mean, please? I just need a second chance is all. I chance to reset, to do some things over again. I mean, not everything. Just a few things. Enough to let me live a normal life again. That’s all I ask for, all I need.

But I won’t get it. I’m only human. This life is all you get. No do-overs, no matter how you need them. No matter how much you deserve them.

I wish it was different. It’s just so unfair.

I mean… it’s just not fair, damn it! Nobody should have to do through this much pain in one life! It’s NOT FAIR!

At least, I think it isn’t. I think.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m nothing special after all.

I don’t know. I suppose I’ll spend the weekend trying to… fix myself. To create a front, to show the world I’m not hopeless. It might be a tough, awful process.

I want to run outside and just scream. To plead, beg for someone to help me. For a hero to show me the way. I don’t know, maybe that would work. But we don’t do those things, do we? We don’t take those chances. We suffer, in silence. We bear the cross on our backs, and hope to fix things ourselves, somehow, even when the path isn’t… obvious. Or even there.

Maybe that isn’t right, but it’s what we do.

I don’t know.

I’m still contemplating suicide. It might be the best option, should I not be able to break the addiction. I mean, I would miss out on Christmas, and all the rest of them after. All that cool stuff I’m getting… all of it, would be gone.

And everything else, too. The people I know, the experiences I’ve had, Cady… and, everything else, would be gone, in a flash.

Seems so… tragic. Doesn’t it?

I… don’t know. There must be a way out of this. There MUST be. It will just take time, and… help. Like, I can’t do this one, myself. I just can’t.

I… need to stop typing. And get ready for bed, as scary as that sounds to me, now. If this half dose doesn’t take, if it doesn’t work… I’m in trouble. Like, serious, major trouble.

And I’ll get help, then. I’ll need it.

Ok, good night then.

Wish me luck, world.

I took another hit. I can’t go this cold turkey.

But it was a half dose. Half a patch, only.

This is still a success.

Sorry, Cady.

You’ll need to wait a bit longer, it looks like.

I guess the point here is that I’m only human. I can only do so much at once without losing my mind.

It’s ok.