I checked Swifty’s twitter.
Last night- after her concert- she posted an instagram; it was a picture of a doughnut, with some flavor text embellishing her hunger for it.
The doughnut had a fuchsia frosting with specks of olive green sprinkles. In some areas, the sprinkles had somewhat melted, leaving a sugary, sticky mess of colors and preservatives.
It looked like olive- tinted fuchsia.
I yawned and surfed somewhere else.
I HATE her.
I’m sooooooo glad she’s having so much fun in L.A. right now. Maybe I can live vicariously through her like I always do.
No, really, I am glad for her. Swifties forever.
I hope one of those big lights falls and hits her on the brain.
Kylie just turned 16, so now she’s going to be featured on all of those celeb pic sites.
Fine. *Sigh*. I’ll be her boyf. She’s hot. I don’t fucking care. Same with her gorgeous sister. UGGGGGHHHHHH.
8 years ago, I decided that the Kardashians were all that was wrong with the 1%, and I vowed to stay away from them. Since then, Kendall has used her instagram to get her hooks into me, and Kylie had them in for awhile until I got free from her. They’re just going to keep coming back. Fucking whatever. Fine. I’ll date them too. Fuck it, I’m already in love with Kendall. I feel sssoooooo warm and cuddly when I see her. Oh Goody. So why not her sister too?
I wish they were ugly. Ugh. Fine.
I need this concert to be as good as it can be, because I might never see Taylor again. This is why I’ve been writing so much about it. If I build it up enough, then maybe the memories of this one evening will… hopefully… be enough to last me for the rest of my life.
Also, it does still kind of freak me out that Taylor refuses to talk to me. The last time I saw her in concert, I saw how popular she was, and how many friends and fans she had, and frankly, how rich and important she was… and I became jealous of her. And after I lost my job right after the concert, I started to hate her, because I felt as though I wasn’t good enough. I became suicidally depressed because nobody wanted to talk to me, even though I needed to talk to someone. I hope I never have feelings like those ever again.
This time, I think, things will be different. I’m more confident now and stronger and smarter and more secure in many ways. I’m at the point now that I’m not worried about how I’ll feel when I wake up alone tomorrow. Good. I deserve that, I think.
We’ve both grown so much since we saw each other 2 years ago. She’s became more herself, and I’ve became more myself. It’s been nice.
I hope that Taylor has the time of her life tonight. I know that I will.
When I bought the tickets to see Swifty, I vowed to get a perfect body, so that I could get the most out of the concert. It almost worked. I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, but I got all of the knowledge and experience that I need. I think I’ve finished my education about health and the human body.
All I need is another month or 2 to get that super fit and athletic look that I know Swifty likes. I wish I could have achieved this in time for the concert, but other health- related issues kept coming up. I’ve fixed all of those on my own though, so no biggie. It’s been a fascinating and incredible journey.
I’ll be able to keep this knowledge with me forever. It will be awesome to be “hot”. I can’t wait. Thanks Swifty!!!!!!
This time tomorrow, I’ll be seeing Taylor. Live; in person.
Not that that matters or anything.
Taylor Swift is the softest girl in the world. She’s so squishy and smooth. She’s like a little collectible doll just for me.
I love her voice. She’s a pretty songbird, traveling from town to town, singing her songs of love and joy.
I love her! Her hair is so soft and luxurious. And it has such volume! I love how it bounces and sways when she walks- like she’s living in a shampoo commercial. She’s a perfect and pretty pop princess. There’s no girl in this world as striking and seductive as her.
I want to hold her in my arms and squeeze all the love out of her. I want to squeeze her so tight she squeaks like a chew toy. I want to hold her so close that she says she’ll never leave me.
She smells like kittens eating flowers.
Her eyes are so warm and expressive. She’s quiet, but her eyes say so much by themselves that she doesn’t need to talk.
Her nose is so cute.
Her lips are so soft and tasty. My lips belong on hers and nowhere else. SMOOCH!!!!!
Her hands are so feminine and squeezable, yet so precise. I love how they tenderly walk across her guitars.
Her legs are INCREDIBLE. Hottest on Earth by far. The rest of her, too. GOD she’s hot. Smokingly, smolderingly, surface of the sun hot. She’s easily the sexist woman alive. I would kill everyone in the world just for a night with her (well, not literally, but you know what I mean).
I need to own her forever. I can’t imagine a world without her softness and sweetness and songs and sexiness.
Even her name is nice. Taye-lerr Swiff-t. I love how it sounds and feels in my mouth when I say it. It sounds so matter of fact, yet so comfortable.
I love her!
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.
The concert was last night. What an experience! The music, the fun, the drama, and… Taylor.
“I fucked her, didn’t I?” I thought to myself. I grinned. “Hey, I fucked Taylor Swift!” And then I remembered. “Oh right, I’m her husband.”
I turned on to my left side, replaying the night before. The morning sunlight was shining through my blinds, giving them a yellow tint.
I remembered so much, but I felt as though so much more was gone. I wanted to treasure the memory of that night forever… to hold it tight and remember every detail. I knew that that wasn’t going to happen, though. Everyone’s memories fade in time- even mine.
“Oh well,” I sighed. “At least I have the program.” I scanned my room. Wait a second… didn’t I buy a program? Come to think of it, I didn’t remember having it in the car with my sister on the way home. Fuck. I must have left it with Taylor.
Oh well, fuck the program. I can get another off of eBay. I smiled. The important thing was the pick.
I grabbed my pants and rifled through my pockets. I found the pick that Taylor had given me the night before. I hadn’t even looked at it until now.
It was what I thought it was- a simple, nondescript yellow guitar pick. It looked the same as the ones I used when I took guitar lessons in high school. Oh, well, this one was from Taylor. I’ll treasure it forever. “Thanks, Taylor.” I smiled. “Thanks for everything.”
I grabbed my phone and turned it on. I wanted to relive the concert through my pictures. I smiled as I thumbed through the camera gallery. To get to the concert pics, I had to sift through a bunch of other Taylor pics, including a set of photoshopped nudes of her, and some pics of other celebrities. I didn’t remember downloading the pics, but I hadn’t gone through my phone’s gallery in about a year. I think I got them on vacation.
Despite what happened yesterday, the world in the pictures was one I could never know. It seemed so distant… yet so familiar, to see Taylor and her friends like this.
After seeing some candid pics of Dianna Agron, I abruptly and unexpectedly got to the end of the camera roll. “Wait… what the… FUCK.” Where were the concert pictures!?!?!? Something was wrong. How could they not be there? I was crushed. And angry. What happened!? I took alot of pictures- too many, actually- how could they have just dissappeared?!?!?
“FUCK. FUCK. Oh, of COURSE something happened to the pictures. Why the fuck wouldn’t it?” God FUCKING damn it. I somehow resisted the temptation to throw my phone across the room. God DAMN it.
I would need to get my sister’s pics. They would be fine, but it wouldn’t be the same. FUCK. I left the gallery to see what was wrong with my phone.
I was surprised. Somehow, my iPhone’s background had changed to yellow. And my battery was fully charged. Somehow.
What. The. Fuck?
How did all of this happen? I took alot of pictures and videos yesterday, and I didn’t charge my phone last night. None of this made sense, unless… unless…
Unless this wasn’t my phone.
The phone gave a little jingle. It was a text from Selena Gomez.
“hi taylor. how was the concert? did tom talk 2 u after?”
Oh. My. God.
Last night… during the chaos of getting dressed… I must have picked up the wrong phone.
OH. MY. GOD.
Selena texted again. “taylr? u there?”
“OH FUCK.” No way. NO WAY. What do I do? I stared at Selena’s texts. Her little yellow bubbles were scaring me.
My mind opened up a pandora’s box. What do I say? Do I pretend to be Taylor? Do I tell the truth? I can’t tell the truth. Taylor specifically said that we weren’t supposed to see each other. Do I… wait. If this is Taylor’s phone, then those nude pics of her must be real. Oh my God. And what else is on the phone? There might be stuff about me! Now I could finally know what she *really* thinks about me!
Too many thoughts. I needed to think about Selena. If I fail her text, it might be bad- very bad.
I thought for a few seconds. How would Taylor text? Would she use proper English, like me? Did she have a nickname for Selena that I don’t know? Should I even text back- wouldn’t that be a crime?
Well, I couldn’t wait forever. And surely Taylor wouldn’t get mad over a little text. I thought of Taylor’s tweeting style and texted back: “the concert was amazing. I love my fans. we’re so lucky sel.”
Selena responded immediately. “good 4 u. i can’t wait 2 tour. what did tom say?”
So far, so good. “tom had fun. he was really funny after the show. he asked me to marry him. AGAIN.” I grinned evilly. “we’re so lucky to have him as a boyf. he’s such a hunk.”
Selena responded with a nodding smiley.
My mind raced to explore the possibilites of this new situation. What do I ask next? I need information about me and everyone else. This was my chance. Hmm… she and Taylor may have personal twitter accounts or webpages that they don’t advertise to the public. I’d like to know, either way. Also… can I trick Selena and get her to send some sexy pictures?
But… I shouldn’t. Should I? I could get away with it, at least temporarily. I am way, way smarter than Selena. I could easily get something out of her. But… what am I thinking? These are my girlfriends! That would be a violation of their trust!
Selena suddenly texted. “in a meeting. txt u later.” She followed it up with a happy little yellow smiley.
I lay on my bed and thought. OK… I had my fun. I shouldn’t do any more. I needed to call Taylor.
I looked in her contacts and found Taylor’s mom’s number listed as an emergency contact. Her and Taylor were probably talking about the concert right now.
I grabbed my landline and called her.
“Hi. Andrea here”. It was her.
I put on my best professional voice. “Hello. May I please speak with Taylor Swift?”
“May I ask who is calling?”
“I need to report a problem with Taylor’s phone. She has you listed as an alternate contact.”
“Oh, Ok. Hold on. One minute.”
13 seconds passed.
“Yello.” It was her.
“Hi Taylor… it’s me. Tom. Your boyfriend.”
There was an odd silence. I could hear nothing from Taylor. Not even breathing.
“Hi Tom. Why are you calling me? How did you get my Mom’s number? No offense. But I didn’t give it to you.” Her breaths were short and measured.
“Don’t worry, Taylor. I just got it from your phone.”
“My phone.” She stopped breathing. “What do you mean? Oh. Did you hack into my phone? What did you do?” Wow. Very strange. She was clearly uncomfortable talking to me- and she was referencing my programming skills. But how did she know about that? I’ve made it a point to keep that part of me hidden from her and her friends.
I laughed to calm her. And myself. The sun was blazing into my room, and it was starting to get hot. “No Taylor, nothing like that! We just switched phones.”
“Intentionally?”
“What?”
“I know you, Tom. I love you but I know you.”
I was stunned. She was implying that I did this on purpose! ME! ME of all people!!!! I mean yes, I’ve stolen God knows how many things in my life, but I would never be so stupid as to steal someone’s phone! Too obvious. I only steal things that people won’t notice are missing until much later, if ever. And to think that I would do that to her! I only steal from companies. How could she even-
“It’s OK, Tom.” She sighed. “Don’t be angry. I understand. Just keep it. I’ll get another one.”
“I didn’t steal your phone, Taylor.”
She breathed for awhile. “I believe you.”
“I need my phone back. iPhones are too expensive to lose. For me, at least.”
“I’m sorry but we shouldn’t be talking like this. I know, I know. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have seduced you. I’m so sorry.”
“I need my phone back now, Taylor. Or else. There are pictures and videos of your concert on it. I need them. I love you and I’m not going to let you get in the way of our relationship.”
“Oh.” I could feel her softly blushing through her voice. Her cheeks were a little warm- not red, but almost. I could feel her curling her yellow hair in her soft fingers.
“And why were you afraid of me? What could I do to you, really? You’re rich and I’m not.”
“I wasn’t… scared of you. I was just surprised. And concerned.”
That made sense. I guess. I would have been surprised if I was her, too.
My mind wandered back to her phone… and the nude pics on it. I thumbed through the nude gallery. WOW. Oh my God. I could see her entire body. Her everything.
In the first pic, she was relaxing nude in a chair outside, her breasts fully exposed. She was wearing the yellow bandana that she wore in 22. The sun was shining on her, giving her a yellow tint. Her nipples were super hard, and she was gazing at me like she needed me to suck them. The next pic was of her in the chair from a distance. I could see her full body down to her toes. Her foot closest to the camera was on the ground, so I could see her vadge. Everything looked amazing. She had the best legs I’d ever seen.
I thumbed through the rest of the nudes. Some were actually funny. Others dramatic. Some overtly pornographic. Some were… weird. All were of nude Taylor. It was amazing. It was my dream gallery come to life.
And to top it off, the pics were of super high quality. I could tell. They would be lifelike on my computer. I couldn’t wait to download them.
“Taylor, do you remember everything that’s on your phone?”
“No, not everything. Why?”
“There are nude pics of you on here.” I said, hungrily.
“OH! MY GOSH! There are?”
“Yeah. And they’re awesome.” I went back to the first topless picture- the one of her in the chair. Her everything was a turn on. Her pretty blonde hair looked so soft draped over her shoulder. As I leered, I could feel the warm sun touching my back.
I kissed her. Hard. Over the phone.
“Tom!?! ”
“Stay on the line, Taylor. We’re going to do this with the pics and the sounds of our voices.”
She smiled, knowingly and sexily. “I’m already alone. Do it.”
I fucked her. Slowly. I spent an hour just exploring her body, using the moans and sighs from her voice as a guide, and the energy from the blazing yellow sun as fuel. It was the most unbelievable experience of my life. After an hour of foreplay, with her nipples weary and drained and her legs sore from being licked, I penetrated her. Slowly, smoothly and sweetly. After another hour of fun, with her sex sore from rubbing, I came.
We both exploded. Epically.
Afterwards, she sighed triumphantly. So did I.
“You’re going to write a song about this, right?”
“TAAAMMMMUUUHHH!”
“What?”
“Yes, I’ll write a song about this. Thanks for the ideas.” She laughed. Then she frowned- a difficult feat, considering what we just did. “Tom… my song ideas… are on that phone. There are business secrets on it, too. I need it back. I take back what I said earlier. But please don’t mail it to me. All of my mail is opened by others and I don’t want anyone else to get their hands on it.”
“If that’s true, we need to meet again and exchange phones. There’s no other way.”
“You’re right. I’ll explain all of this to my friends so they will expect you.”
“Expect me? Where?”
“At my home… in Rhode Island.”
–
A week later, a green envelope without a return address arrived at my house. Knowing who it was from, I opened it. I could see why a green envelope was chosen- it was to hide the money. Wrapped in a pocket of $1000- for travel expenses- was an airline ticket. The green highlights on the ticket showed me my destination. Rhode Island.
What would come of this? I didn’t know. All I could do is prepare. And wait.