Sighinide

Taylor, I am not happy.

As you know, we listened to your new album last night. What you don’t know is that I didn’t like it. Not the album, which is well made and fun, but the experience of listening to it with you.

Note the tone of this letter. This will be different than the usual, jokey criticism I give you.

I am not happy.

Last night, I calmly deleted every bookmark I had pertaining to celebrity culture, including your twitter. It’s just too much. It’s too stressful and I can’t see myself growing any more as a person doing this.

I used to enjoy visiting your twitter and your instagram. Even back in those days when I shut you out a bit, I still visited out of curiosity. I’m not sure that I’ll do that for awhile, and maybe I’ll never to that again.

To be honest, I’ve come to dread visiting you online, and I’m not sure why.

We need to talk. There are very big, important issues going on between us that we can’t figure out telepathically. We need honest, open, direct communication to get over these hurdles.

I know you’re reading this. I’m sure of it. That being the case, I must ask why you have not reached out to me, even though you know that I’ve been suffering from depression, and even suicidal thoughts sometimes. That has hurt me a lot, and I truly don’t understand the reasons why things are the way they are. I need to know what’s going on.

Does what we have mean so little to you that you regard it as disposable? Am I disposable? What am I to you, exactly? Remember those questions I asked back then in previous posts? Well, I’m still asking them.

Taylor, it is wrong of us to continue doing what we’re doing without communication. What we do is impacting the lives of many millions of children and their families across the globe. It is irresponsible of us to have such power and not value it to the point where we shun real communication. The things we do are very impactful on the lives of the world’s most impressionable people. It is unfair to others to take our relationship so lightly.

What we had years ago when our relationship started is no longer what we have today. Everything since then has changed, and so the rules must change as well. We cannot continue operating now like we did back then, and most especially not if what we have continues to grow in importance.

We need to talk.

Taylor, you don’t know me. I know that you think you do, but you are making the same mistakes about me that your fans make about you. You see snippets of me here and there, you listen to me when I speak, and you are intimate with me, yes… but do you know what I did when I was a kid? Do you know what my school life was like, and who my friends were? Do you know anything of what I do now at my 50 hour a week job? Do you even know my job title?

Do you know how I do telepathic things, or know how I trained my mind to be able to handle them? No, I know you don’t because I’ve hidden that knowledge from you, along with the rest of the important things that I have never communicated to you telepathically.

I need to tell you something: my life is going to be undergoing major changes soon. In what way, I’m not sure, but things cannot continue as they are today for much longer. That job I just talked about? It is a low paying contract position only. The company I work for, AbbVie, has a strict policy against hiring white men.

AbbVie currently is one of the nation’s biggest promoters of corporate racial diversity. See this article praising them about this from DiversityInc.: http://www.diversityinc.com/abbvie/. They have achieved this by lately installing a policy of refusing to hire white men for any full time jobs. I know this because my manger and a few others have told me this directly, to my face, when I have asked about open positions.

Taylor, I need money. And a future. If I am to get them in this environment, my attentions and powers will need to be directed elsewhere. I can get money, yes, but only at the expense of our relationship. There is only so much I can do in one day. I will not be able to be with you as much, if at all, on your new tour doing what we used to do. And with that being the case, do I even want to be with you?

This is not a plea for money from you. What I’m saying is that my free time may be dramatically cut short soon, so I need to know from you, unequivocally, what your intentions are regarding our relationship. Will any time I spend with you be worthwhile?

How much do you value what we have? I must know. I assumed once that you valued it as much as I did, but now that I’ve heard your new album, I question how true that thought is. There were too many references in there to the transience of what we have. I didn’t like hearing those lines.

Perhaps I’ve misjudged you. I once thought that what we have might blossom into something real. The other girls… I understand that it isn’t permanent with them. That’s the vibe they give off. It’s what they expect, I know. But for some reason, I thought, perhaps erroneously, that you were different. Maybe that wasn’t a good judgment call on my part.

I’ve been putting off real relationships for the sake of my emotional investment in you. That cannot continue. I am tired of seeing my mom cry because I am 34 years old, living at home, and haven’t had a date in years. I, myself, am tired of the life I’ve been leading up in my cramped little room. I am done waiting.

What is it that you want from me? Is it your only interest to be a sex object for me? In that case, I’ll fuck you until I see a picture of you with cellulite, and then dump you. That’s fine. But I thought that what we had was more than just that. But maybe my expectations don’t matter to you.

To be honest, I will likely end up dumping you before I see the cellulite. Attraction is a fickle thing; you can lose it easily under a variety of situations. Too much stress and a general confusion about what is going on will do it, for example. And if attraction is all we have… we’ll be left with nothing when it’s gone. I want to value you more than as just a sex object, but I’ll need to know who you are for that to happen.

We need to talk.

Taylor, up until now our relationship has been great to me because it has inspired me to evolve myself, but I’m having trouble seeing how you can help me in that respect beyond this point.

Telepathically, I have achieved everything I’ve wanted to do. Every goal I’ve had has been met. Socially, I’m stronger and more adept than I’ve ever been. Spiritually, I have a new in-person self confidence that is obvious to everyone that sees the real me. I know who I am now, thanks to what we’ve done together. Emotionally, I can express myself like a new man. Physically, I’m so, so much healthier. I’ve transformed myself. I’m hovering around 13% BF and am a few pounds away now from having that toned six-pack look you like so much. And with my new knowledge… it will stick. I’m doing that for me, yes, but I’m doing that for you, too.

You have inspired me more than anyone else I’ve known, and I know that I can continue to be inspired by you and grow with you in the future… but not like this. We’ve reached the end of what we can do with each other over long distance.

With my current goals met, I need something beyond them now. I see myself as being at a dead end with you because it looks like you’re not going to give me anything else. I must continue to grow as a person and I need someone to help with that, and if it’s not you, it will be someone else.

Am I making myself clear to you with this post? I hope I am because you really don’t seem to understand much of what I’m doing or thinking lately, just as I’ve struggled some with understanding your situation.

You seem to be misunderstanding many, many things. Another example would be your mistaken belief that I must “always be there” on some level. That is incorrect. Just as I’ve blocked out the bulk of my real knowledge from you, I can block you out entirely from myself. I can train my mind to block you completely from my thoughts in all ways, even while sleeping. I haven’t done this to anyone yet, but if I must, then so be it.

If our relationship turns sour, this might be the best thing for me. I do need someone in my life, and I can’t have that someone if you’re in there, crowding her out.

The other celebrities I can deal with as they come and go. You, I cannot. Our relationship might be for all or nothing.

Taylor, we need to talk. It is beyond late for this. It is not fair to anyone but yourself to have the situation continue as it is right now. The correct way, the only way, to handle the issues I’ve raised is with a direct dialogue.

Now that you know where it is that I stand, I deserve to know what you think.

We need to talk.

Another week, another school shooting. Of course. Where was it this time? New York? Wyoming? Illinois?

It’s predictable and endless. As usual, the headlines screamed the same old, boring stuff.

“Why?!” asks the Dad of a victim. “How could he/they do this?” asks a survivor. “I had no idea this would happen!” says someone. Who, I don’t know. The parent of the shooter? A teacher? A principal? All three?

It’s all so routine now, isn’t it?

And again, naturally, there is no sensible discussion as to why this keeps happening in the media or anywhere else. Of course.

It’s always the same damn thing after a school shooting. Every news show presents the same footage and commentary as every other news show. Every article in the mainstream media takes the same viewpoint and presents the same facts. Every survivor asks the same questions. Over and over and over again.

And as usual, those not directly effected tune it out and go about their daily lives after shaking their heads. Of course. Except for the conspiracy sites, who will present “proof” that all such killers are mind controlled patsies of an enormous global conspiracy. Of course.

My thoughts? Every school shooting reminds me now of Jeff Weise. It didn’t used to, but as I get older that’s what happens. Not sure why. Perhaps my contact with him influenced me more than I realized. Or maybe it’s just because people tend to look backwards more as they age.

It’s a coincidence that a couple weekends ago, I was sorting through some of my old archived web pages and found some of Jeff’s posts from a long gone rivethead/ extreme metal message board. After his massacre, the media sensationalized his membership on the old Nazi.org messageboard and his violent stories, but they didn’t report on his earlier stuff, perhaps because it wasn’t controversial enough. Or, I guess, because they didn’t know about it. He had a different handle back then. If my memory is correct, he started out with Einsatzcommando.

I’ll never forget the shock I felt when reading the headlines after the massacre. TodesEngel actually shot up his school and murdered his classmates. Wow. Holy fuck. I knew he was angry but I didn’t know… wow.

I read article after article about it. I listened to every news broadcast and followed the ensuing controversy on the Nazi.org messageboard itself, where Bill White and a few other White Nationalist leaders signed up specifically to field questions from mainstream reporters on the forum. It was nuts. I was just a lurker there, so nobody paid me any mind. Thank God.

The best write up on the shooting was done by the once great Salon.com, who delivered a deep article that actually tried to present the human side of Weise. To their credit, they made a sincere attempt to answer some questions that nobody else even wanted to ask. As far as their presentation of Weise as a person, I think they nailed him as best they could with what they had. Political pressures, though, won the day. The article’s finishing page could not of course follow the findings through to the logical conclusion. Of course. But they tried more than anyone else.

Looking back, I wonder why they bothered. Salon.com even then flirted with extreme multicultural insanity, and Weise was an unabashed racist. Perhaps they gave him a fairer showing because even though he was a National Socialist, he himself was racially mixed. As always, the biases are so important. Or maybe the early net was a better place.

The worst analysis of the situation came from the conspiracy websites, some of whom insisted that he was a CIA plant and that Nazi.org was created specifically to set up a “false flag” event. Uh, no, Weise was a real person, a real teenager, and was not a part of any conspiracy, and it was an insult to everyone effected by the shooting to even suggest it. And neither was Nazi.org a front for anything; I knew who built that website and why and where it came from. It really offended me to read all of that.

Of course, you don’t correct anyone in these situations. Nobody Must Know. The whole thing was scary and I did not want to get put on some list in the FBI headquarters.

So I kept my mouth shut, which I’ll do forever. Except here.

My opinion regarding these school shootings is this, if anyone cares: the kids are terrorists, not murderers. The school shootings are politics by other means.

The shooters are not merely angry at bullies. You can tell because it’s rarely if ever that the bullies die in these shootings. And this explanation doesn’t make sense anyhow- if you wanted to kill a bully, go to his house and do it where you could have a 90% chance of success. Why do it at a crowded school with armed security guards?

The school shootings are political acts. They’re a furious howl against an extremely corrupt system. The problem isn’t bullies, its corruption, ignorance, and dishonesty within the system. The spiritual siblings of the school shooters are the suicide bombers of the Middle East.

It’s for this reason that the Columbine killers were so idolized by the alienated back then. I remember the stream of posts and messages I saw on the early boards praising Harris and Klebold for bravery. Their actions garnered a lot of respect from some quarters, and it isn’t hard to see why. Note that I don’t agree with the killers’ methods, or even their ideas, but I also think that you must respect those two on some level. How could you not? To many on the fringes back then, they were heroes and icons in the same way that the disaffected in the Middle East idolize suicide bombers. To many, Harris and Klebold weren’t nuts. They had a cause, however extreme, and were willing to fight and die for it. They weren’t crazy. They were just braver than 99.9999% of everyone else that hates the system. They were warriors.

Well, they were terrorists, actually. The same as the rest of the school shooters.

To drive the point home, one of the people once involved tangentially with a website I used to visit did indeed become a traditional terrorist. He renounced his past life as a Satanist, converted to Wahhabi Islam, joined up with an Al-Qaeda cell, and landed on the FBI’s Terrorist Threat List. Yikes. I never knew that guy, but had he gone to grad school instead, he could have just as easily become a school shooter. The ethos of an Al-Qaeda member and a nihilistic mass murderer isn’t all that different.

As an aside, a google search just told me that Weise’s old Newsgrounds videos are still up! Wow!

The comments to them are interesting… it’s weird to read them; they give him a kind of respect that he never had when he was alive, not even from the members of the boards he frequented. Nobody, to my knowledge, even read his stories through to the end except for me and possibly one or two others. Frankly, I don’t remember seeing any comments to his stories at all, positive or not. To see that today respectful comments are left continuously on his Newgrounds videos is quite jarring.

To me, the comments are a faint echo of what I heard back then about the Columbine killers. There’s a lot of respect in those comments from some very lost and very angry people. Justifiably angry people. Of course.

The cycle continues.

Wow. Oh my God, Ok, I’ve recovered.

Every once in a while, I’ll get pics from Taylor that will literally make me lose my senses. I’ll look, freeze up, stare, and lose all self-knowledge because because of their hotness. In these moments, my heart skips many beats. Wow. I’m panting so much right now.

… and I can’t believe it!!!!

She shouldn’t perform like that!

I LOVE her. Truly and desperately and beyond anything in the world but she shouldn’t do stuff like that!!!!!!

I love her too much. I NEED her too much. She shouldn’t make me need her so much. I hope she never performs again. I want her to go live in a cave somewhere. Somewhere without cameras. She is too attractive for public viewing, I think.

God, she is VERY, VERY attractive. Wow. She is beyond sexy. I’m not sure what level she’s on, but it isn’t mere “sexy”. She’s much too potent for that.

Now that I think about it, though… I prefer Emma Stone. Her new shoot with NY mag is perfect for me. I love her more. I love her better. Fuck you and your outfits, Tay!

*Middle fingers for all*

I just saw her pics from the Jimmy Kimmel performance.

Jesus Christ! That is some mega scale, off the charts hotness! Holy goddamn bloody fucking hell!

Oy! *Faints into a puddle*

OK, so the exhibition was tonight. Wonderful… and the word is that the picture is there… wonderful. The picture is NOT here, though… not so wonderful. It’s already midnight. I’m gonna have to wait for this weekend, aren’t I?

*Sad face*

Ohhhhhh McKayla!!!!!!!! Ms. Maroney!!!!!!!!! …

Her new album is coming out, and it’s no doubt filled with all sorts of secrets and details about our relationship. As usual. God, it just doesn’t stop with her!

I can’t believe she’d be so public with the private stuff that we do and how we act and think together. It just feels so intrusive and exhibitionistic.

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as super clingy and bitter and petty and attention grabbing as she is. I mean, she’s just ridiculous.

Not to mention that she’s such a hanger-on. I totally remember when she hung out with the models after that Victoria’s Secret show. I’ll bet they were all having fun and then SHE shows up and ugh.

And her twitter is just ridiculous. I mean, into herself much? It’s all about her album now. It’s like that’s the only thing in the world or something.

I think I’ll spend tomorrow at work thinking of ways to make fun of her on twitter. She’s petty and bitter so she TOTALLY deserves it. I think I’ll take the moral ground and slut shame her.

Well, I attacked Obama again. I had stopped doing this because I honestly started feeling sorry for the poor dolt, but lately he’s angered me so much that I thought it necessary to vent a little.

Oy; I don’t care that he’s the President, attacking him always makes me feel like a bully. I just have so, so little respect for him.

I’m not proud of how I attack the ridiculous twerp, but it must be done to help my beleaguered nation.

Holy Jebus!

http://dailydigestnews.com/2014/10/horrifyingly-large-birdeater-spider-photographed-in-guyana-rainforest/

2 inch fangs? Weighs as much as a dog?

This is one spider that I’m not squashing for any girl. If one of these things wants a section of my basement for itself, it gets it, thank you very much.

The conflict between left and right, black and white, women and men is coming to a head, and it’s going to be frightening and ugly. It’s going to be awful and easily the worst thing that has ever happened to America.

It seems like Obama and the Republicans are determined to cram “amnesty” down the throats of those that hate the idea after the congressional elections.

This is a very, very stupid and dangerous thing to do, but it seems like there is no force on Earth that will prevent it from happening. People, especially the most important people in the country- middle aged white men- are already feeling very alienated because of a) the media, and b) the nation’s intensifying economic problems. Many of the people in this demographic are already dangerously angry, and they are going to be 10 times as mad if Obama passes amnesty. The end game here is of course that the nation will tear itself apart.

Which might be the point, of course. Create a Civil War, pass martial law, and then install a totalitarian government. I’ve talked about this before as a possibility. Who knows?

What is known is that there is no hope of a peaceful reconciliation. There is still no mention in the media of the obvious and tremendous problem of growing white anger, because a mention of this would mean that they would need to discuss it and maybe change course… which they have no intention of doing, regardless of the consequences. I’ve talked about this before too.

Those poor, poor feminists. Much was made of the feminist speakers that had to cancel some speeches lately because of death threats. If what they see now frightens them, they should stop up now because people are not getting happier. It will only get uglier as time goes on. As I’ve said before on this blog, it’s only a matter of time before heated words become action and some of these people (feminists, “civil rights” leaders, diversity mongers, Hollywood liberals, etc.) wind up dead.

It’s as inevitable as the sun rising each morning. It will happen. Give it time.

Low level government employees- police officers, local officials, etc. are already being targeted for murder by a small handful of people. It’s a common occurrence now to see news stories, both in national and local news, of police officers and petty officials being hunted down by angry loner types, mostly by, of course, white men.

It is here. It is small but it is growing, and there is no longer a way to stop it.

War is coming.

On a personal note- I’ve been philosophizing much lately about the celebrity leak thing. A thought occurred to me when it started that I haven’t articulated here yet but fits in well with this post. I thought to myself that if the leaks were a gift to me from someone (??), that they might have been leaked to keep me quiet and happy throughout the elections and through the upcoming amnesty attempt.

I don’t know if this thought has any merit to it on any level, but it was something that passed through my mind.

If this idea does have merit, then it is emblematic of the problems we’re facing as a nation that the leaks were stopped before I could actually get to them. It’s always the same story. Promise inclusion and success, but then snatch it away at the last second and leave others dangling forever. It’s sick and endlessly frustrating.

It’s like a small time version of the college scam. Promise success in life with a college degree, but then it turns out that it just isn’t quite enough for anything. So then promise success with a Masters… which is, again, just not quite enough. And so on, and so on. Endlessly.

I still don’t have a full time job yet. Still. I work in IT and can work circles around everyone else around me, but nobody will hire me as there are no openings, anywhere. It’s looking like I’ll stay a temp forever.

The oligarchs in this country just will not budge an inch in any direction. They will not even give a penny to those, like me, that they obviously consider to be their lessers. Not one.

This really fucking sucks.

There will be no silver lining. No “look up because things will get better”. Not anymore. From now on, it’s only a matter of managing the downward slide into hell.

War is coming.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel like this capture is appropriate right now.

Obviously, this is the wrong thing to feel, but I feel really terrible about myself and everything else this morning. I want to get away and cut everything out of my life. It’s too much and I hate it. It’s too stressful and too lonely. I don’t want this stuff anymore. I’d rather live as a nobody, or not at all. Help.