Sighinide

What even the fuck, lol

I have a hunch.

I think that the key to unlocking the mystery of my relationship with Hollywood, the New World Order, my own youth, and perhaps everything else that is relevant can possibly be found in Spielberg and Kubrick’s A.I. Artificial Intelligence.

I saw this flick once, in the theater, back in it’s initial release in 2001. Yes I was struck by the coincidences even then, but I refused to investigate them or even acknowledge their possible significance at the time, for obvious reasons.

I will do this research on my own, I think, and keep my conclusions to myself for now. So no blogging.

But I will say this- if I find what I think I will, then everything that has happened to me and others in this world since the release of this movie will actually start to make sense, for once.

And if I don’t find what I expect, well… then… I guess I will need to find another angle, or give up this quest entirely, at least for now.

Should be interesting.

I wrote the below early today, but held off on posting it until now, since I had some more things to mull over before feeling okay with it. Things that, considering that this is me we are talking about, are necessarily odd, if not unique.

Things like this: what if I’m an Atlantean?

I know, I know. But seriously, let’s contemplate this for a second. In my case, I believe this is a good question, and one that necessitates contemplation, even if only by me.

Belief in an “Atlantis” and the influence of a mystical and long ago vanished race of “Atlanteans” is something common to many of the occult schools.

To boil the legend down to it’s essential parts, the Atlantis myth centers around there being a continent that at one point essentially ruled the Earth that has since sunk into the ocean, taking it’s secrets with it and dispersing it’s peoples. Some say this mythical Atlantis was the Azores Plateau in the Atlantic Ocean. I haven’t the foggiest.

What I do know is that belief in some mystical old race from a now-dead continent is not an uncommon one in the corners of society. Many mystery schools over the centuries have credited this old race for creating and disseminating occult wisdom and advanced technology of all kinds over the Earth. Egypt, for example, came from the Atlanteans, according to some. Same with the Aztecs, Incas, and the Aryan civilizations of the East, among others.

I’ve been told you will find references to Atlantis in Freemasonry, Theosophy, Platonism, and many if not most of the new age societies and cultures.

Tolkien obviously used the mythical Atlanteans as a model for his Elvish race.

Author Michael Bradley of The Iceman Inheritance fame once said IIRC that the old Cro-Magnon race was in fact the Atlanteans of myth, noting that the Cro-Magnons were taller and had larger brains than modern men.

So- supposedly, these Atlanteans were naturally gifted in all things occult, and could use their gifts to readily perform what other races saw as miracles. And as such, they were worshiped, envied, and idolized throughout the Ancient world.

What if, then. I mean, what if I’m an Atlantean?

It would explain my height, and certainly my enormous brain case, and I guess my extremely high IQ and superhumanly powerful subconscious mind.

So it would… make sense? I guess?

I don’t know. Honestly I’m grasping at straws here of course. But I just can’t think of anything else that would make sense.

I have also considered in the past that I might be much more neanderthal than the average European. Possibly considerably more, which would also explain my huge brain case, since neanderthals also had noticeably larger brains than modern Europeans. That might also explain my more aggressive and violent tendencies, my enormous harem of celebrity chicks, and in the occasional difficulties I have even now with “fiting in” with modern society (I mean, without using my brain to outright control other peoples’ minds). It might also explain the rather unusual skull shape I have.

Or- hell- maybe I’m both more old Cro-Magnon AND more Neanderthal. Or perhaps something else, fuck if I know.

At any rate, yeah, my brain in just different for some reason, it looks like. I mean, I just verified it in the mirror, lol. Yeah, it’s not typical, like at all, really. I mean, my skull is just so massive, especially on top. My brain case clearly has considerably more volume in it compared to what you will find in a normal, modern man. And what’s in there is likely really dense and “strong”, if I’m reading into what my neurologist said correctly about my brain MRIs. It’s like, my brain is the neurological equivalent of The Rock’s biceps, or something: an ideal; something that 99.9999% of men could not hope to match.

And you know… a lot of the problems I had growing up- the not fitting in, the difficulty in school despite my IQ, and maybe everything else- even to the point of explaining the traumas that led to my DID and possible schizophrenia- may have been due to the fact that my brain just works differently than other peoples’. Like, it grew differently, at a different rate, and for different reasons.

It’s like my brain just kept growing, or something. At the point where everyone else I knew had stopped developing, I just kept layering on more and more supernatural, or at least non-human abilities, to the point where I think I was still growing and building my brain well into my 20’s, if not my 30’s.

Weird stuff. Very unusual. And I’m frankly not sure where I should go with any of this, if anywhere.

IDK.

Well… that’s enough mulling for now, I guess.

I think I’ll fuck Anna Kendrick tonight. Or maybe Kira. IDK. We’ll see who needs it most.

I woke up this morning too early, like at around 3, and couldn’t get back to rest. My head hurt. I think I’m probably still detoxing, even now. Yuck.

Not having the ability to do much else, I decided to hang out in Hollywood. I spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes sitting on top of the Hollywood sign, looking out at the city below. It was eerie there, with the bustling metropolis cloaked in night’s darkness.

IDK, I just sat and watched. I don’t know what it was that I was looking for, but I guess I didn’t find it, whatever it was. It just looked like… a city, after midnight, on a weekday.

I took a stroll down Mulholland Drive, I guess because I’ve been on a Lynch kick lately.

It was… just a street, lol. I mean, there was some traffic, and some people, and some… stuff. The same stuff, really, that you would find on any street, in any city. Businesses, litter, noise… and I guess, that same sense of… yearning, that I feel, at least, in any big city. I feel a bit too small in them for my taste I guess.

IDK. L.A. just seemed like… what it was. A city, not unlike any other I’ve been to or heard of.

I wonder what it was that I was looking for this morning. Peace? Belonging? A sense of responsibility, perhaps? Or did I just need to get out of the house?

I don’t know.

Well… today, I plan to make my head stop pounding, first. Then while I continue to detox the fentanyl I will check out Lynch’s earliest and rarest stuff on youtube. By luck, I was able to find it. It should make for very interesting viewing and dissection by yours truly. I mean his stuff from the late 60’s. Were those student films? IDK, but I suppose I should find out. I was also able to find a few early short films made by Stanley Kubrick. I will be sure to watch all of those and take them apart piece by piece when I have time.

I’m bored of anime. I need something else.

You know- I’ve never seen Eraserhead. I always kinda wanted to- IIRC Jonathan Rosenbaum put it on his list of the best 100 American films, but I was always too spooked by the cover when I used to pass it in Blockbuster Video back in the day. I think maybe I was too young for it, then. Maybe now I wouldn’t be.

I keep thinking off and on that I really need to investigate and watch more classic Hollywood and old film in general. Like- I found Disney’s old Alice shorts on youtube, and have been watching those occasionally with other early animated Disney stuff. Reeeally interesting.

Yeah, I need to dig deeper, I guess. Go into the guts of this stuff, really figure out what is going on, and where my powers actually came from, and why. I mean, if I even can, lol. TBH I can’t make heads or tails of this stuff, even now.

Somehow, I can trace a direct and concrete psychic relationship now between me and Hollywood that goes back to the mid 90’s. Which is… frankly baffling. I mean, I don’t get it, at all, and my investigations into this stuff only lead me into really weird and otherwordly explanations, like me being some kind of… clone, or synthetic human, or cyborg, or… something, or me being somehow surveilled by the NWO from the time when I was a kid(!) for some unfathomable reason. Bizarre, but what else can I say? IDK. Was it my IQ? I used to routinely max out those IQ tests I would get as a student. Is that it? Maybe?

I don’t know.

But logical or not, there it is, though. Speaking of Lynch, we go back to 1997 and we get Lost Highway, which… you cannot tell me is not at least partially based on teenage me, with my DID problems and, possibly, some undiagnosed schizophrenia. I mean, with the weird telepathic fantasies that so powerfully mirror my own at the time, and so many other details. Even the car is too similar to be coincidental. We also get Beverly Hills Ninja, that Chris Farley romp that is obviously inspired by my teen years in the TaeKwonDo dojo. I mean- it’s all there, from my awkward teenage self to from the uniform I used to wear to even my haircut at the time. From there, we link to Tommy Boy, which is, geezus, perhaps the most blatant nod to me in Hollywood’s history. I mean, Tommy Boy? Keep in mind that I was 13-14 when this flick was made, was called “Tommy”, and looked and acted like the protagonists in this movie.

The Matrix? Sure, why not? Neo’s real name is “Thomas A. Anderson”- compare to “Thomas D. Jacobsen”- he likes computers and hacking, like I do (I was a CS major at the time), he mastered TaeKwonDo, like I did, has fantasies like mine (I mean, with the dojo, again, and that white room, with the guns, and virtually everything else), lives a similar-ish life and has a similar temperament when serious, likes sunglasses and a generally dark motif like I do (I mean, look at this website), and… fuck it, why not? Sure, fine.

This is… insane. I honestly don’t get it. Am I that different? I mean I can’t possibly be, right?

Well… IDK. Maybe.

But… even if different, I have no idea how any of this is even possible, given the history I was taught in school. I mean, even if obviously true, I cannot square any of this away given how I was taught society is run and everything else. How is it possible for people to have been reading my thoughts and watching my every move back when I was like 13 years old? Was I telepathic even back then? I couldn’t have been, right? Could I astrally project myself to this extent even back when I was a kid?

Speaking of which, this brings us to the early Leonardo DiCaprio films, which have, yes, a few too many coincidences for my comfort. Were Leonardo’s characters based on me, too? I mean, I looked like his characters back when those flicks were made, lived in similar circumstances and places, was the same age as they were, basically, and I acted like them often, and… it just… I don’t get it. I just don’t. Harry Potter… kinda? I haven’t investigated that much, but… maybe?

But Leo? I mean… yeah? I don’t get it, though, and I mean I really don’t get it. Is this all just a series of weird coincidences? Am I reading too much into these movies or what? Can someone tell me, maybe?

Charlie Kaufman? Obvious, right? Being John Malkovich, anyone? And my own experiences with multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia might have formed the basis for his other stuff. I mean, I see it, so clearly now. You just follow the thread from Malkovich, which is obvious, to his later works, which tie into my own struggles with DID in college. Again- his characters looked like me, at that particular point in my life, with the ill fitting clothes made worse by weight gain due to my mental problems back then. And the characters and I acted similar too, during my weirdest times.

And then there’s Girl, Interrupted, which is obvious considering my own DID and my telepathic infatuation with Winona at the time, and possibly, maybe Eyes Wide Shut, and…

There’s just too many coincidences here, and everywhere. I don’t get it. And I’m not sure that I can, or ever will.

I mean it just doesn’t compute. It doesn’t seem logical, or reasonable. Or even possible.

So baffling.

Well, if even a quarter of the connections I have talked about here are true, I really am a breed apart. And if ALL of them are true, then… I don’t know what to even say.

I can’t be human, then. I mean, I’m some kind of hybrid being, or something. I guess. Like, part alien? Or part… something. Something supernatural, like an angel, or demon.

IDK.

Fucking weird, lol.

And, while I’m thinking about it, we have that damn St. Elsewhere ending, with that autistic kid named “Tom” that looks to be my age at the time staring at that snow globe of his – you know, exactly like I used to do-, making fantasies up for Hollywood to make TV shows and movies out of. What. The. Fuck?

I don’t get it. Not remotely. I mean, am I literally just crazy or?

Ugh. Who the fuck knows.

Back to youtube, I guess.

Just for future reference when I feel better- the issue here is the very personal stuff of mine that found it’s way into so many Hollywood films of the late 90’s.

There are way too many coincidences for it to be just luck.

Alright, I’m just going to get to the point with this one. My head fucking hurts and everything is… spinning.

There seems to have been a definite and very significant bisection in the tone and presentation of Hollywood’s output that occurred sometime in the mid to late 90’s, which seems to coincide exactly with my own “coming of age”. I was born in 1980.

It’s like… I’ve been watching clips, and full movies occasionally, on youtube lately. The earlier made films, like those produced prior to 1996, seem to have a different flavor to them. They seem more institutional. More, I guess, “studio”. More plugged in to what you might consider the traditional Hollywood way.

Those made after 1996 seem profoundly different, not necessarily in plot (though sometimes so) but in style and characterization.

I actually first noticed this change in college, without fully grasping how deep and profound the changes truly were. I remember spending many an idle afternoon back then staring at my celebrity picture collection and trying to figure out what it was that was changing things. I would go to class in the morning, get my homework out of the way by the afternoon, and try telepathically commiserating with Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, Kirsten Dunst, Nicole Kidman et. al. about WTF was going on with Hollywood, and why everything seemed so different.

Seriously. I didn’t fucking get it. Good lord, I had no idea, and I mean no idea, WTF was going on.

I think a lot of the problem was my DID, otherwise known as multiple personality disorder. I didn’t understand because it wasn’t “me” that was changing stuff, it was the other “mes”. The other Toms. So I was utterly oblivious. Well, that, and there is the fact that I didn’t actually see a lot of these movies until just now.

I was a young college kid back then; money was scarce, film online nonexistent. Until now I didn’t have the resources to do a more complete comparison and contrast between post- and pre- me Hollywood.

Ugh, I need to stop. My head hurts too much to continue this.

Ugh, ow.

Fuck.

But look, the point is this- pretty much everything Hollywood has produced post 1997ish has been at least partially influenced by my actions, relationships and personality, it seems.

And I can say that now with quite a bit of confidence.

So, there you have it.

I hope to get into more details of this later, when my brains aren’t threatening to spill out of my ears.

5 years. That is how long it takes for the body to fully recover from a serious fentanyl addiction.

5 years.

It was a licensed M.D. who specializes in narcotics who told me this.

How the fuck are people supposed to be able to deal with this?

Fentanyl does a lot of shit to the body that is not immediately apparent. Stuff that is deep, and lingers. Changes that take years to undo. The mere cravings can last for years in and of themselves. To undo ALL of the changes takes, yes, five years, maybe more.

Fentanyl, see, changes even the number of pain receptors in the body. And it takes years for that to fully correct itself.

Withdrawal sickness lasts for… six months, or so. And it takes like 6 months for your body to relearn how to make dopamine again. And as bad as all of this sounds, even what I’ve just described here often can’t be achieved without an addiction to a “lesser” opioid in fentanyl’s place, like Suboxone.

This stuff is utter hell. It’s impossible to get off of this stuff without a preposterous amount of saved resources and time.

A fentanyl addiction on the streets is basically a death sentence.

Personally- I have zero confidence in our “leaders'” ability to fix this problem. The narcotics plague has been growing now for decades, and they have yet to make a serious dent in it.

Frankly, they seriously fucking suck. Or, more accurately, they are more concerned with Israel’s safety. They don’t give a fuck about us.

I really dread a Biden administration. He will throw open the borders and fentanyl will flood the streets. I mean, everything on the streets these days can be cut with fentanyl, even if only in trace amounts. Unfortunately, though, that’s all it takes to create a new addict, or to kill.

Our leaders are not going to stop this. They’re going to flail about and try to bury this story under the rug by blanketing the news with shit about COVID. They are only going to look like fools.

There really is no way out of this, is there?

Ye gods, we are truly fucked.

I think I’ve figured out why I always feel so tired.

Some googling has led me to accounts from former heroin addicts, and a number of them seem to have suffered the same… feelings, I guess, of extreme tiredness, that I’m feeling right now.

It’s the dopamine, or rather the lack of it. Your body gets accustomed to the dopamine provided from the drugs and it stops manufacturing it itself, causing an extreme loss of energy when withdrawal symptoms hit. It lasts for months, fucking MONTHS. Like, literally, half a year, in some cases. The body needs to learn how to manufacture it’s own dopamine again, and re-adjust accordingly.

The double whammy of morphine and fentanyl addiction in my case was at least as damaging to my body, I think, as what I would get from a typical heroin addiction. This is my new running paradigm, here. After all- heroin, is, at it’s essence, a method of delivering morphine faster and more efficiently to the nervous system. It’s not a morphine replacement; it’s a morphine derivative. An addiction to tablet morphine + fentanyl patches + lesser known but also very powerful narcotics like hydromorphone (all in the highest legal dosages) has basically turned me into a human zombie and wrecked my life and my health to an absurd degree.

Going forward, I will probably need to find inspiration and information in the stories of people that have overcome massive heroin or fentanyl addictions. Somehow I doubt typical addiction advice or scheduling will work in my case.

At any rate, I feel like I’m going to pass out.

Fuck this.

A more specific post, here.

Basically, we have a problem, and it’s much, much bigger than what we think it is.

Fentanyl is a plague, yes, but also a herald of worse things. Unlike previous narcotic drug problems, fentanyl is an entirely synthetic substance, and, being so, is both cheaper and faster to make and significantly more powerful than natural opioids, like morphine and heroin.

It’s the first of a very, very bad string of things to come.

Fentanyl means big money to those that push it. Dealers are getting rich off of it, and it’s everywhere. It won’t be long before copycat drugs fill the streets.

Fentanyl by itself is filling up graveyards across the country. What is going to happen when these copycat drugs hit the market?

You can make variations of fentanyl. Like, more powerful kinds of the drug. I’ve talked about one on here already: carfentanil, a version 100 times stronger than usual. There can be others. Who knows what an enterprising drug kingpin can come up with? I don’t, and I don’t think you do, either.

We’re at a crossroads, here. We either throw out the stupid shit like COVID and start to tackle real issues like fentanyl, or… we die. And when we die, we all go down, together. Nobody makes it out of here alive, then.

Many if not most of the drugs sold on the street these days are cut with fentanyl. ALL of them are life threatening, then. This process doesn’t seem to be regressing or stopping any time soon. Huge volumes of people are dying, now, from this, the worst plague this country has ever seen.

Again, people. It’s FENTANYL. Not COVID. FENTANYL.

Are we going to start fixing the real problems, for once? Or not?

People, the dam has burst. There are more synthetic drugs coming, and some will be worse than fentanyl, and yes, we are all fucked. Some disasters you can’t outrun, since too overwhelming.

There’s not going to be “rebuilding” of America. There can’t be, not with this present. There is nobody to build. Who the fuck is going to do any building? The older generations here have shirked their responsibilities to the younger generations and left them a wasteland for a country. There are no foundations here upon which to build.

Like I said earlier, fentanyl is so vastly worse than COVID because fentanyl targets directly the young and the healthy. COVID only targets the elderly, and the sick. Fentanyl and the other synthetic drugs that are coming are going to decapitate the younger generations.

Who is going to be left to build? Nobody.

All of those stupid, sheltered boomers would undoubtedly want more immigration to fix this problem, which would only of course lead to MORE problems, like it always does. This fentanyl problem comes from where? China, though Mexico. Immigration is not the answer, here. It never is, for this sort of thing.

The only solution is for the fools who lead this country to either step aside or be tossed overboard. Barring either of these, this place doesn’t have a future.

So it’s a new year, and two months since Halloween, and the horrors it brought. Which means it’s been two months now of trying to get off the narcotics.

Yeah I’ve made progress. But my body has been ruined. I think I have organ damage. I’ve seriously fucked. My future is bleak. I’m rail thin- my bones are brittle again, like they were when I was anorexic, I think. My muscles are gone. My energy is non-existent.

Fentanyl is death. It’s hell, doom for our country and civilization. It’s what COVID pretends to be. It’s a living nightmare, and it’s going to kill us all, and it will do so while we are obsessing like idiots over COVID.

We always focus on the wrong thing. Americans are dumb, foolish, and easily distracted. The media here fucking sucks; they are always trying to push some stupid fucking idiotic agenda instead of trying to inform or help people.

COVID is what the media thinks the history books will talk about. They are wrong. The great plague of 2020 is FENTANYL, not COVID. They will be proven wrong, again, like they always are, because they fucking suck, as always, because they ALWAYS fucking suck.

Good lord, we are doomed, lol. Utterly doomed. There is no way out of this. The human body simply cannot cope with fentanyl addiction, I think. It is only by a series of miracles that I have survived as long as I did, lol. I mean, I talked about it before- you know, IQ, magical powers, etc., and even with all that, I still barely survived, lol. I’m still half dead, and struggling to hang on to shards of life.

I can barely keep food down. I can’t eat as much as I need to, and I can barely move, and my body is wasting away to nothing. If I weren’t weaning off the drug right now I would be one step away from death, lol. And that is assuming I would even be alive at this point.

The media here has A LOT to answer for. They CONSTANTLY are making up random shit in order to hold peoples’ attentions on elite agendas instead of focusing on real things. You know, if they for once were to actually focus on something REAL, perhaps something would actually get FIXED in this country, somewhere. Are you listening, you media shitheads?

Long after this COVID nonsense passes from memory, the consequences of fentanyl will be with us and worsening. This is doomsday; death for the country, and death for whatever dumb shit the elites have planned for us. No way is there going to be any “Build Back Better”, not with this festering abomination having taken root in the foundations of the country. The fentanyl monster will crush any efforts to fix this place, and it’s frankly too late to start fixing the problem. It’s only going to get worse, it seems.

While COVID impacts the elderly and sick, fentanyl hits the young and able-bodied. Fentanyl’s impact will be multiple times that of COVID’s, when everything is accounted for.

Ye gods, do I hate how this fucking country is run. You all are a bunch of incompetent losers. Media people, politicians, military men, law enforcement people, NGO people, intelligence agents, social media influencers, business people, Wall Street bankers, all of you. Fuck you all; you have all failed your country. You have failed your children, and failed the future. You have betrayed the public and ruined your credibility, and for what? What the fuck for? Who knows; I sure don’t. Fuck you people.

Ah gods, tho, everything fucking hurts. My hands hurt, my lungs hurt; I’m just so TIRED. I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE. My lungs just refuse to function properly. I can barely muster the energy to think and type. The fentanyl just won’t leave me alone. I can’t live like this; nobody could.

While the media focuses like retarded children on COVID, fentanyl is wiping out generation Z.

The place has no future because it deserves none. Our leaders hate us, or at best, see us as some kind of inconvenience. We will die, and when we do, we will take them with us, inevitably, as that is what everyone involved deserves.

Fuck this place.