The History of Me, Part XII

I woke up this morning too early, like at around 3, and couldn’t get back to rest. My head hurt. I think I’m probably still detoxing, even now. Yuck.

Not having the ability to do much else, I decided to hang out in Hollywood. I spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes sitting on top of the Hollywood sign, looking out at the city below. It was eerie there, with the bustling metropolis cloaked in night’s darkness.

IDK, I just sat and watched. I don’t know what it was that I was looking for, but I guess I didn’t find it, whatever it was. It just looked like… a city, after midnight, on a weekday.

I took a stroll down Mulholland Drive, I guess because I’ve been on a Lynch kick lately.

It was… just a street, lol. I mean, there was some traffic, and some people, and some… stuff. The same stuff, really, that you would find on any street, in any city. Businesses, litter, noise… and I guess, that same sense of… yearning, that I feel, at least, in any big city. I feel a bit too small in them for my taste I guess.

IDK. L.A. just seemed like… what it was. A city, not unlike any other I’ve been to or heard of.

I wonder what it was that I was looking for this morning. Peace? Belonging? A sense of responsibility, perhaps? Or did I just need to get out of the house?

I don’t know.

Well… today, I plan to make my head stop pounding, first. Then while I continue to detox the fentanyl I will check out Lynch’s earliest and rarest stuff on youtube. By luck, I was able to find it. It should make for very interesting viewing and dissection by yours truly. I mean his stuff from the late 60’s. Were those student films? IDK, but I suppose I should find out. I was also able to find a few early short films made by Stanley Kubrick. I will be sure to watch all of those and take them apart piece by piece when I have time.

I’m bored of anime. I need something else.

You know- I’ve never seen Eraserhead. I always kinda wanted to- IIRC Jonathan Rosenbaum put it on his list of the best 100 American films, but I was always too spooked by the cover when I used to pass it in Blockbuster Video back in the day. I think maybe I was too young for it, then. Maybe now I wouldn’t be.

I keep thinking off and on that I really need to investigate and watch more classic Hollywood and old film in general. Like- I found Disney’s old Alice shorts on youtube, and have been watching those occasionally with other early animated Disney stuff. Reeeally interesting.

Yeah, I need to dig deeper, I guess. Go into the guts of this stuff, really figure out what is going on, and where my powers actually came from, and why. I mean, if I even can, lol. TBH I can’t make heads or tails of this stuff, even now.

Somehow, I can trace a direct and concrete psychic relationship now between me and Hollywood that goes back to the mid 90’s. Which is… frankly baffling. I mean, I don’t get it, at all, and my investigations into this stuff only lead me into really weird and otherwordly explanations, like me being some kind of… clone, or synthetic human, or cyborg, or… something, or me being somehow surveilled by the NWO from the time when I was a kid(!) for some unfathomable reason. Bizarre, but what else can I say? IDK. Was it my IQ? I used to routinely max out those IQ tests I would get as a student. Is that it? Maybe?

I don’t know.

But logical or not, there it is, though. Speaking of Lynch, we go back to 1997 and we get Lost Highway, which… you cannot tell me is not at least partially based on teenage me, with my DID problems and, possibly, some undiagnosed schizophrenia. I mean, with the weird telepathic fantasies that so powerfully mirror my own at the time, and so many other details. Even the car is too similar to be coincidental. We also get Beverly Hills Ninja, that Chris Farley romp that is obviously inspired by my teen years in the TaeKwonDo dojo. I mean- it’s all there, from my awkward teenage self to from the uniform I used to wear to even my haircut at the time. From there, we link to Tommy Boy, which is, geezus, perhaps the most blatant nod to me in Hollywood’s history. I mean, Tommy Boy? Keep in mind that I was 13-14 when this flick was made, was called “Tommy”, and looked and acted like the protagonists in this movie.

The Matrix? Sure, why not? Neo’s real name is “Thomas A. Anderson”- compare to “Thomas D. Jacobsen”- he likes computers and hacking, like I do (I was a CS major at the time), he mastered TaeKwonDo, like I did, has fantasies like mine (I mean, with the dojo, again, and that white room, with the guns, and virtually everything else), lives a similar-ish life and has a similar temperament when serious, likes sunglasses and a generally dark motif like I do (I mean, look at this website), and… fuck it, why not? Sure, fine.

This is… insane. I honestly don’t get it. Am I that different? I mean I can’t possibly be, right?

Well… IDK. Maybe.

But… even if different, I have no idea how any of this is even possible, given the history I was taught in school. I mean, even if obviously true, I cannot square any of this away given how I was taught society is run and everything else. How is it possible for people to have been reading my thoughts and watching my every move back when I was like 13 years old? Was I telepathic even back then? I couldn’t have been, right? Could I astrally project myself to this extent even back when I was a kid?

Speaking of which, this brings us to the early Leonardo DiCaprio films, which have, yes, a few too many coincidences for my comfort. Were Leonardo’s characters based on me, too? I mean, I looked like his characters back when those flicks were made, lived in similar circumstances and places, was the same age as they were, basically, and I acted like them often, and… it just… I don’t get it. I just don’t. Harry Potter… kinda? I haven’t investigated that much, but… maybe?

But Leo? I mean… yeah? I don’t get it, though, and I mean I really don’t get it. Is this all just a series of weird coincidences? Am I reading too much into these movies or what? Can someone tell me, maybe?

Charlie Kaufman? Obvious, right? Being John Malkovich, anyone? And my own experiences with multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia might have formed the basis for his other stuff. I mean, I see it, so clearly now. You just follow the thread from Malkovich, which is obvious, to his later works, which tie into my own struggles with DID in college. Again- his characters looked like me, at that particular point in my life, with the ill fitting clothes made worse by weight gain due to my mental problems back then. And the characters and I acted similar too, during my weirdest times.

And then there’s Girl, Interrupted, which is obvious considering my own DID and my telepathic infatuation with Winona at the time, and possibly, maybe Eyes Wide Shut, and…

There’s just too many coincidences here, and everywhere. I don’t get it. And I’m not sure that I can, or ever will.

I mean it just doesn’t compute. It doesn’t seem logical, or reasonable. Or even possible.

So baffling.

Well, if even a quarter of the connections I have talked about here are true, I really am a breed apart. And if ALL of them are true, then… I don’t know what to even say.

I can’t be human, then. I mean, I’m some kind of hybrid being, or something. I guess. Like, part alien? Or part… something. Something supernatural, like an angel, or demon.

IDK.

Fucking weird, lol.

And, while I’m thinking about it, we have that damn St. Elsewhere ending, with that autistic kid named “Tom” that looks to be my age at the time staring at that snow globe of his – you know, exactly like I used to do-, making fantasies up for Hollywood to make TV shows and movies out of. What. The. Fuck?

I don’t get it. Not remotely. I mean, am I literally just crazy or?

Ugh. Who the fuck knows.

Back to youtube, I guess.

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