Sighinide

Basically, as far as I can tell, I’ve been used as a kind of public fount of ideas for essentially my entire life, or at least since the time I was about 5 years old.

And this… situation, is what has served to form a major part of my personality.

It seems as though somebody, somewhere, has been reading my thoughts, somehow, for a very long time, using techniques and technologies that I am unfamiliar with. Some kind of remote monitoring, it seems. Beats me how, although I know I’m not the first to think of this as being possible, at least.

Honestly, I have no clue who or what is behind all of this, I just know that all of my thoughts and ideas are being mined, somehow, since essentially everything I’ve done since the time I was young has made it into Hollywood films. I mean, I haven’t even touched on the majority of my findings, here. I’ve just spent time enough to give my readers a sample.

And I’m convinced as well that I’ve supplied ideas to essentially everyone in the political and business classes, as well.

For all practical purposes, the whole US, it’s structure, and it’s “ideas” economy seems to run these days off of my brainpower. I am probably responsible for about half the reported US GDP these days, maybe more.

Essentially every TV commercial I see now is based obviously and entirely on things that relate to me, personally. It’s kinda unreal, honestly.

That being the case, it’s virtually impossible for me to actually make money for myself, since every good idea I have is immediately stolen and used by wealthy people to their own advantage, and this has been the case it seems for my entire adult life, at least.

When I was younger, I always wondered why I found it difficult to “find an opening” in our economy so I could make money for myself. Well, now I know. The situation being what it is, it’s impossible for me to create and market anything, at all.

Everything I think of seems to be immediately analyzed and dissected for economic use by people I’ve never heard of, operating in places I’ve never seen, who pick everything apart, take everything of any possible use they can, and then rush to market products with my ideas faster than I can understand that my thoughts have even been “read”.

So, basically, THIS is why I can’t make any fucking money. It’s not that my ideas are bad; far from it. It’s that they’re so good that others can’t help but steal all of them, essentially leaving me with nothing, and no opportunities to create anything myself or make any impression anywhere.

This is brutally unfair and endlessly frustrating. I have supplied this country with trillions of dollars in revenue, and I sit here wondering how I’m going to pay my medical bills.

Christ, people, this is ridiculous. What the fuck is this shit?

There seems to be no way out of this stuff for me. All of my good ideas are stolen, and every opportunity I can think of is taken by somebody else. Every weakness in any system that I notice (which might provide an opportunity for me, personally) is immediately plugged up and made impossible for anyone, including me, to exploit for any benefit.

I’m just sitting here, stuck, because I can’t fucking do anything to better my situation. It’s awful; it feels like some kind of horrible prison sentence with no chance of parole.

This is just dreadful, and honestly, I hope nobody out there feels any remorse at all for any problem encountered by anyone that is actually running this circus, whoever the fuck that happens to actually be.

Fuck all of you people.

A re-reading of last night’s post was interesting, to say the least. It looks as though one of my alters took the time to vent about Jayden and Jules, which I remember doing- somewhat- but not like that.

This is all really weird, and complicated.

Well, I had time today to watch parts of Girlboss finally, and found very quickly that my heart was just jumping out of my chest whenever Brittany Robertson was onscreen, which indicates a few things: 1) Brittany obviously wants to spend time with me, and 2) her boyfriend (the section of my brain cordoned off to do relationship stuff with her) hasn’t been spending as much time as he wants with her, and 3) Netflix obviously made Girlboss as a kind of tool that we could use to connect with each other easier.

Well… okay, then. I will need to sort this out further, then. And… yikes, all of this is indeed seriously complex and often difficult. It’s not a problem, of course, as I can handle it it seems, but… still.

You know- a few questions have been swimming around in sections of my subconscious mind for the last few years concerning my relationships and such.

Chiefly, these questions (at least, those questions I can retrieve at the moment) involve my S.O.s and their husbands and pregnancies and such. See, these things don’t make sense to me.

Okay, I’m just going to go right out and say it: I think at least some of my girlfriends’ engagements, marriages and pregnancies are faked, and probably even this stuff has to do with me, in part if not wholly.

To whit: Well, Dove Cameron, obviously. But that one is easy. Lily Collins I think now, too, at least to some extent, and I think it amusing that her fiancé has the same name as one of my more notorious alters.

But beyond these two I think perhaps even Anne Hathaway’s marriage might be fake, actually. She married some guy who happens to be a jeweler, which matches my own interests at the time she got married. Honestly- I mean, just look at them. And if I’m going to throw that one out there, I will toss in Dianna Agron and Emma Stone, and Danielle Panabaker as well into mix, for the same reasons. And Emma Roberts, too. These girls seem to wind up “marrying” people who are mirrored images of whatever fantasies I happen to have with them at the time, which makes me wonder how real any of this stuff actually is, if in fact any of it is even real, at all.

Emma Stone, for example. She is married to some guy who works on SNL. Is that because she actually loves him, or because her SNL stints were our “thing” back when I still watched the show? It’s a legit question. Is she even married, at all? Honestly, fuck if I know. Was she even pregnant? Honestly- I have no idea. Should we be wondering why her pregnancy will be wrapped up all in time for the press tours for Cruella to start? I mean, maybe that’s just good planning, but, what if it isn’t?

And should we wonder about the possible symbolic connection between her having a kid before going on press tours for Cruella, a movie based on 101 Dalmatians– a film about a truckload of babies? Baby dogs, of course. But still. And hell, given the complex symbolisms surrounding all of this stuff, perhaps the fact that they are baby dogs makes my musing even more fitting than it would be otherwise.

Insensitive or not, this is I think a question that needs asking, given the current odd climate surrounding all of this stuff.

I don’t know, but from here I can’t tell anything, of course. Who TF knows what is going on, really. Dammit, this stuff is just so incomprehensible, and as usual, I seem to be somewhere directly in the middle of it all, in some way I can’t fully grasp.

Fuck this, this sucks.

Well, none of this changes anything, one way or another. My interests are what they are regardless.

But still.

Jeez, how incredibly weird.

Okay, I think it’s worth taking a closer look at Ms. Annie Bartels’ title song for Side Hustle, because I think I might have… found… something.

Wait.

Was that Annie Bartels or Jules Bartels? Or was it Jayden LeBlanc? Or… uhm…

Whatever.

I mean, just listen to the song, here:

Listen to about 18 seconds in, when google tells me they sing “It’s easy when you got a sidekick” which is CLEARLY wrong, because I hear very plainly “It’s easy when you got a PSYCHIC”, and then they go into “Dream Big” and “Visions coming true” lines and such, etc.

Which is… crazy, because that would mean that they’re trying to, IDK, influence me in surreptitious ways, which, although I wouldn’t put that past them, would still be… uhm… kinda wrong nevertheless. I mean, wrong when they do it, not me. When I do it, it’s cute and fitting.

So, uhm, yeah. Would they… do that, to me?

They wouldn’t, right? Surely not.

I mean, not unless they got instructions on all of this from 1) Disney (which Jayden was a part of, natch) and 2) some other people at Nick who may or may not have worked somewhat tangentially or maybe even wholly on stuff like Victorious and other assorted Nick shows and such (which is a distinct and very probably possible possibility).

I mean, all of which is…

Well… kinda to be expected, right? I mean considering the inns and outs of the… situations at hand, and by situations I mean girls, not controversies (or maybe even that distinction is not is not as distinctive as need be, in this case).

Yeah.

Well…

We’ll see.

So there.

Oh my God, what have I thrown myself into the middle of this time?

I mean… it’s just… yeah, wow. I mean, I think we can all remember the great Victorious and Gossip Girl wars of ten years ago, and then I go and do this?

I mean, it’s just… I… you know, it’s ok. Not a problem. I know what I’m doing, I’m sure of it. Absolutely sure, mostly. Pretty much.

I mean, it’s their fault, anyways. Yeah, it’s them. You know the type. I mean Jules even said that her favorite Nick show was Victorious, so she’s just that type of girl. And Jayden is… Jayden, and you just know that she probably liked Gossip Girl or something. Or at least something on the CW, which is basically the same thing, mostly, if you ignore everything that isn’t.

Speaking of which, Emily of all people is starring in the new Gossip Girl, which is just like her. I mean I knew that she would do something like that back when we started dating (which was… seven and half years ago? Jesus Christ!) but I mean I didn’t expect it to be Gossip Girl specifically (I mean, who would, really?), but… yeah, that’s just so like her, and if you knew her, you would see that, too.

So yeah this is just like… uhm… them, which is what I was kinda expecting, anyways. Mostly.

So there.

Hmmn.

Well.

Uhmmmm… some thoughts, here.

Well The Island is obvious. But I’m sure we all knew that.

I mean, let’s just do the usual thing here.

I’m talking here about the Michael Bay flick, which is liberally peppered with references to my relationship with Scarlett Johanssen (at the time, I think my favorite girl). The hero’s name is Tom Lincoln, with the Lincoln part I think a reference to The Land of Lincoln (i.e. Illinois, the only place I’ve ever lived).

Note that The Island is a film that concerns itself greatly with the places that people live, like the eponymous “Island” itself that takes center stage for most of the film.

It fits, and it’s obvious. I mean, all those references to my relationship with Scarlett, and everything else. It’s a good package and a fine extra example of what I’m talking about, here.

Note the “bacon” scene with Tom and Scarlett, and her sly innuendo, etc. etc. and the other stuff, etc. etc. Well, I’m not going to lay all of that out since I have more important things to think about, here. I mean, this blog is for me, mostly, and since I understand it, well, that’s good enough.

Okay, on to the main course of this post.

I finally did skim through / watch Blue Velvet. Unfortunately since I had ulterior motives with the film I felt I couldn’t watch it as normal, but I think I got out of my viewing perhaps more than most would regardless of how they viewed it.

I loved, loved, loved the setting, and the sets, and the visuals. They reminded me so strongly of the world I left behind when I grew up that I couldn’t stop watching the background of the film in spite of whatever was going on with the characters and plot. Lynch has an almost uncanny ability to create a feeling of a specific place in his films- see The Straight Story, again, for this, and his shockingly spot-on evocation of small town Iowa.

As far as the “content” of the film (plot and dialogue, as opposed to environment and ambiance), I lean towards Ebert’s negative appraisal. I’ll quote him, here.

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If “Blue Velvet” had continued to develop its story in a straight line, if it had followed more deeply into the implications of the first shocking encounter between Rossellini and MacLachlan, it might have made some real emotional discoveries.

Instead, director David Lynch chose to interrupt the almost hypnotic pull of that relationship in order to pull back to his jokey, small-town satire. Is he afraid that movie audiences might not be ready for stark S & M unless they’re assured it’s all really a joke? I was absorbed and convinced by the relationship between Rossellini and MacLachlan, and annoyed because the director kept placing himself between me and the material. After five or 10 minutes in which the screen reality was overwhelming, I didn’t need the director prancing on with a top hat and cane, whistling that it was all in fun.

Indeed, the movie is pulled so violently in opposite directions that it pulls itself apart. If the sexual scenes are real, then why do we need the sendup of the “Donna Reed Show”? What are we being told? That beneath the surface of Small Town, U.S.A., passions run dark and dangerous? Don’t stop the presses.

——————————–

Yeah I get what Ebert was saying, here, and I think I know why he thought this way. IMO he had his finger on the pulse of small town America a bit more than other critics, especially those that were employed by the coastal elite owned papers of NY and LA, I think.

Ebert never strayed too far from his Midwestern roots when it came to interpreting and reviewing film. Like me, he was born in Illinois and stayed there.

So he was I think somewhat more personally familiar with the “dark side” of small town USA than, say, a Rex Reed or Pauline Kael type. And I think that his opinion here reflects this- no matter how impressively made the shocking scenes were, merely being shocking in and of themselves is not enough, since, after all, weird or disturbing stuff happens all the time in rural USA.

In a sense, I think that this film was almost not made for a rural USA demographic but for an urban one, to scandalize their own assumptions of what they think small town life is like out here.

But… it is well made, in general. And I found Ebert’s follow up to his review interesting as well, since he included a snippet of an interview he had with Lynch. It seems that Lynch based much of the movie’s setting on his own childhood experiences in small town USA.

Hmmn. Interesting.

But yeah, this post is supposed to be about me, so here goes.

I’m not seeing myself in much if any of Blue Velvet, thank God. I was 6 years old when the film came out, which would have made me four or five during it’s filming.

Which of course wouldn’t place me anywhere inside the main plot of the movie.

What it would do, though, is place me around it, potentially. And here’s where it gets weird, again.

The film ends not like you would expect it to, given it’s plot and reputation. It ends rather oddly, with the closing shot being of a little boy- around 4 or 5 years of age, running over to his mom. Hmmn. Weird.

I mean, I get the context within the film. The kid was kidnapped and then freed, etc. But still, it’s worth investigating.

So yeah, the kid in and of himself certainly doesn’t point directly at me, even though the kid is wearing a wizard’s hat (with a beanie propeller, lol), and is named “Little Donny” according to IMDB. Here we get a similar name- I was of course called “Tommy” when I was that age. But yeah… weird. I don’t know.

I do know that Lynch took shedloads of stuff from me for his later films, but all of that is extremely obvious. This? Not so much, but it is… interesting.

The film ends with “Little Donny” turning his ear to the camera, which seems almost a callback to the ear that the protagonist found in the field. Yeah, I don’t know, but…

There is some kind of card being played here, I think, that is very, very hard to pick up and understand. Little Donny’s wizard propeller hat is found a few times throughout the rest of the earlier film. So he’s there, narratively, just not present. And it’s just… I don’t know. I cannot unpack this one, given the tools that I have with me. I mean, perhaps that’s because there is actually nothing to unpack. But… I don’t know.

I mean, it’s just so weird. What is Lynch saying, here, with the little wizard boy in the film’s ending, and what I think is it’s callback to the beginning? Does anyone know, or know where I can find out?

It’s just… what the fuck is going on, here, really? I’m sorry but this is extremely baffling.

Well… maybe I know the answer to this one, maybe I don’t. But either way I’m going to end this post here, because I need to do some more thinking, guessing and figuring.

K then.

People, you need to stop just doing random stuff without thinking about me.

I’m referring to my girlfriends here mostly, but frankly I’m including everyone else in this, too.

What it basically boils down to is that at least as far as careers and stuff go in entertainment, my wants / needs / whatever are more important than essentially anything else, etc.

It’s always for the best to just address me directly, and tell me what you are doing / thinking, and to avoid weird surprises. Basically, you need to make it easy for me, and the easier the better. And this often boils down to not touching stuff after we’ve already established it’s importance and such.

So- no surprises, and I mean like ever. You need to tell me what you are doing and thinking, and the more direct and obvious you can make the telling the better.

I think the key here is that these are romantic relationships / marriages, and again, these require communication to work correctly. So- no weird surprises. I mean, I’ve been talking about this for years now, and I seriously mean it.

So don’t do stuff like what Taylor Swift did and just up and delete your social media at some random point or whatever. If you do that, and I need to investigate something in your (our) past, it becomes too much of a hassle. So don’t do that stuff. I don’t care what your manager or agent or your parents tell you. Don’t do it, since their opinions are of lesser importance since 1) They aren’t as smart or as talented as I am, and 2) They aren’t as important to you anyhow once we get into “relationship mode” together. So don’t do it.

So yeah, don’t delete old stuff. I mean, just don’t do it, and I mean like ever. Old vlogs? Leave them up. Old instagram pics? Leave them alone. Old music videos? Don’t touch them, like ever.

Whatever the reasoning might be behind making radical changes to your style or career, it is more important to you in the long run to keep me happy and knowledgeable about what is going on- believe me.

So, yeah. I mean, that stuff is important. I mean I already talked about Chloe East’s old vlogs and stuff, and now that we’re on the subject, I wouldn’t mind seeing Johnny Sequoyah’s old stuff, either, not to mention Lexi Jayde’s music videos, which is kinda what sparked this rant. I mean, I was going to use those for research but since they’re not there, I guess I’ll be investigating someone else, then.

I mean, seriously. You need to make it easy for me if you really want to connect with me. Seems obvious, no? But apparently it isn’t to some.

Think of it this way: if there is ever a question about whether you should delete your old music videos or vlogs or whatever, just ask yourself: what would Victoria Justice do? And then, look at her youtube channel, and the answer should become obvious.

Successful relationships require thought and planning, and good plans for the future can come only from firm knowledge of where you have been in the past.

So… yeah, there you go.

I’m not a ditz, either, so you can all stop thinking that, like, at any point. I mean, I know what you’re thinking. I mean, I know it, and it’s just, like, not right.

I mean, so there.

Hrumph.

Ok, I just want to make ONE thing clear: I do NOT do mind games. Or drama. I do NOT.

See, I don’t do that stuff. I mean, I don’t. That’s not like… my thing. Or like, what I want my thing to be. Or like, it isn’t even WAS my thing, like ever. Like, you know? You know.

So, no mind games, or drama. I mean, that stuff is for, like, OTHER people. You know the type. Like, the people I go out with. See, that’s THEIR thing. They’re all about the drama, I’M not. Because drama isn’t my “thing”.

Right.

See? So that’s that, then. I mean, that’s that. I mean, that’s that that. You know? The thing. That’s that thing, I mean- you know. That… thing, that thing I don’t do because I’m not, like, them.

I mean, you know the kind. You know the type, by now. That type.

Right.

Right!

Right.

Right…

sigh.

I wasn’t expecting it to be so surreal to see Victoria and Katherine in the same scenes, together.

I mean, they even talked to each other!

Which is, yes I know, kinda the point, lol. But the thing is is that I have an alter personality that is Katherine McNamara’s man, and then another that is Victoria Justice’s man, and it’s like… they weren’t exactly processing this stuff well.

See, when I call a girl my “favorite” I’m not lying. To whatever personality they’re chatting with at the time that actually is the case. See The Favourite with Emma Stone for more details on this.

So- seeing the two together, it was like… Victoria Justice’s man wanted to talk to Vicky, and Katherine’s man wanted to talk to Kathy, and the two of them weren’t exactly happy with each other at the time, which is… based on the bits of the flick I’ve seen thus far, precisely what the girls were expecting (!).

It was almost like… they were… kinda… doing it on purpose, you know. I mean, all of it. On purpose. Like, for real. Which… can’t be true, since they would never do that to me. I mean, I’m sure of it. Very very sure. Mostly so. Pretty much. Kinda.

You don’t know these girls as well as I do, people. I mean, you just don’t.

So uhm… I’ll probably watch the whole movie this weekend, and uhm… I’ll… digest, later on.

Yeah.

But… I think that someone’s boyfriend wants to talk to their S.O., which is fine so long as it isn’t… you know, one of them. The boyfriends (husbands), or both, I mean. Not the girls.

It just occurred to me that it is very possible that, say, Katherine McNamara has both a boyfriend personality in me and a husband personality, too. And that maybe the same holds for Victoria. And that maybe that is like, literally, the whole point of the movie, and as usual, I’m the last one to understand these things.

Uhm… yeah.

Well…

I have things to think about, I guess.

Sigh…

Do I even need to explain this one? I’ve documented on here my thoughts about small town Iowa more than once.

Well… it’s David Lynch. So yes, I suppose I do, even if only superficially. I owe him one after all, since he was the key to unlocking much of my recent discoveries of what it is that I actually do and am.

So… for many years, well, decades, actually, I would make the trek to and fro Illinois to one of the smallest of the small towns in Iowa to visit my Grandparent(s). I would visit at least once a year, and sometimes two or more times. It was these trips and the experiences I had on them that are the obvious basis for this Lynch classic.

I missed this one in theaters. I was in college at the time and was intrigued but otherwise busy.

I caught it on the internet back in December, after Christmas, while I was trying to detox from the fentanyl. I guess it carried me through when I needed it. Consider this post a “thanks” to everyone involved with the production of this great film.

But… wow, was I utterly blown away. It was so… surreal, watching this movie. I mean, the main plot here obviously has nothing to do with me but everything else… wow. It’s utterly insane how many memories this movie brought back to me.

I mean, I won’t even list them, since there’s just… so many. I mean, memories, and situations, and places. The streets, the people, the… environment, the culture, the roads and hills, the farms, the hot sun. Even the chairs people sat on, and what they talked about. The houses, down to the details. The way the kitchens were laid out and just… everything. It was incredible.

And I mean just everything. I did some calculating on google maps and the journey of the protagonist was basically the same length in miles as the journey that I made every year. Of course, he was going from Iowa to Wisconsin, and not from Illinois to Iowa. And apparently the film is based on a true story. But I mean… wow.

I mean, I actually recognized the hero’s house. Literally. Like, I did a double take and legitimately wondered if I had been in that actual house, lol. I mean, it’s built so very closely to my grandparent’s old house that I kinda didn’t believe what it was that I was even seeing while watching the flick.

It’s kinda… amazing.

And yeah, I was looking for the key and I found it. The guy who sells our hero the tractor that he needs to make the trip is a man named “Tom”. IMDB lists him as “Tom the John Deere Dealer”. Special emphasis is placed on his name “Tom” when he is around. And he sells John Deere tractors, in a lot not unlike the Caterpillar tractor dealer located around my own small town experiences. Note that at the time this movie was made, I was also a salesman, selling computer stuff retail during the summer months, in much the same way as “Tom” sells the tractor in this film, which is not coincidentally the action that kick starts the whole process of his journey and the main arc of the movie.

I’m not going to bother listing the myriad other similarities and minor keys in this film that tie it back to me. I’ve already proven myself with all the stuff I’ve already listed, I think. And I’ve done these exercises enough, honestly.

But… yeah, there you go.

And I see that the Iowa parts of the new Superman show seem to be based on these memories as well, if the clips I saw on YouTube are indicative of the whole show.

And come to think of it, how much do you want to bet that ALL of the recent depictions of Smallville are based on my own memories of small town Iowa? By recent I mean anything from the early 90’s on.

Honestly, I don’t know this one myself. I’ve not seen one complete episode of Smallville or Lois and Clark. I was always more a kind of a Justice League Unlimited kinda guy when it came to my DC fix. But I mean… seriously. Anyone wanna bet against my hunch on this one? Because personally I wouldn’t.

I mean, well… there you go.

But… wow, though. It literally just doesn’t end, does it? I mean, I can see mirrors of my own experiences there even in stuff like old Leo DiCaprio flicks, which of course could just be mere coincidence of course. I will need to investigate further when I have time.

But… wow. This is kinda crazy, isn’t it? And kinda… dispiriting. Like, I really am different, and I mean very, very different. I’m not even remotely close to “normal”.

And yeah I will need to go back now into Lynch’s earlier works, like Twin Peaks and Blue Velvet, which is kinda disconcerting since I was like 5 years old when Blue Velvet was made, lol. but I mean… I think I’ll need to.

Well… IDK. I suppose I will dedicate my involvement in The Straight Story to my old life, the experiences I had, and the people I left behind there after my Nana passed on. And to the way things were, before all of the recent insanities on the national stage.

Well… there it is.

Sigh…

Thanks.