Archive for November, 2020

Thanksgiving 2020, Part II

Monday, November 30th, 2020

Um, I don’t even know why I’m typing this, lol. I’m just… IDK, thinking about stuff.

IDK, Thanksgiving came and went and I every year I like to stop and take stock of things after the holiday.

This year I feel… awful, lol. Dreadful, lonely, disappointed, left out, and… miserable. This sucks; I hate it.

Yeah, truthfully, Thanksgiving kinda sucked this year. Yeesh, the holidays are just brutal as fuck if you celebrate them alone, or even with the not-customary family set. They really suck; you always feel left out.

God this sucks. This place is such a dreadful country. There doesn’t seem to be anyplace that really offers happiness. At least, as far as I can see, or reach. Fuck this place.

God I can’t wait to fucking die, lol. Yeah would THAT be nice. Ughk.

I swear to God this country has the worst leaders on Earth. They just create so much misery, and disappointment. It’s almost as if it’s in their job descriptions, or something.

I mean come on, you shitheads. All you politicians, and big business leaders. God do you people fucking suck. You are all selfish, stupid, greedy assholes, all of you. I truly hate you all, each and every one of you; I would love nothing more than to see someone feed every millionaire in this country into a woodchipper. I don’t buy much, anymore, but I would buy tickets to THAT, lol.

Big tech, especially. No- banking. No, the media. lol, ALL of them. I hate you all, truly and to the core of my being. Fuck you all.

But- back to the topic at hand- I just didn’t enjoy Thanksgiving. I wonder if I ever will again, considering the way society is going. I suppose Christmas is next on the chopping block, and then, probably the rest of our holidays, mostly, because the rich don’t like them, and everything they don’t like, they try to destroy, because they hate EVERYTHING, it seems.

My hate is reciprocal. They started it.

But like… yeah. Fuck this Thanksgiving. It sucked.

There was one interesting / good point about Thanksgiving, though, and I might expound upon it more, later. I decided to watch the anime Overlord over the course of the holiday and wow, if that wasn’t completely and surprisingly based on my experiences playing the Avernum series IDK what to say, lol. I mean, I was just like, sitting there and watching it, lol, and then… BAM, it hit me. This is… Avernum! Holy shit! I… will expound upon this later, I think. I think I need to, concerning my history. It ties into some posts I made here, a long, long time ago. It’s crazy how this stuff just seems to continually loop around, for me.

But- I will get into that, later, when I have more time.

k, bye for now.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part C

Monday, November 30th, 2020

100 posts, here. And I don’t know what to say in “celebration” of this.

I don’t… want to go back. To normal life. I can’t, I’ve been out for too long.

I… can’t even envision a life anymore that doesn’t revolve around drugs. I mean, for me.

Like I don’t even know what I could do, or where I could even go.

I mean I don’t want to be a statistic but… I just… I don’t know.

Like, I don’t know if I’m even brave enough to walk away from the drugs and be like… a normal person. It’s like, that would be so… difficult, and weird. And I would hate it, because to do that would be to admit how flawed I really am as a person. It would be to admit how dumb I was in living this life and making so. MANY. Mistakes.

I don’t want to admit that. I mean, to face up to what a colossal fuckup I really am. I just can’t. I can’t do that, no way.

God, I don’t know what hurts more, these days. The drugs, my various illnesses, or this godawful emotional pain that seems to underpin all of it.

I don’t know what to do. It’s like, even if I got off the drugs, I would probably still get back on, right? Because of this other stuff, especially the emotional stuff. Fuck me.

I don’t want to live without drugs. I don’t; I can’t. I can’t go back to being that person I was, before. I just can’t. I mean, I hated that person. I mean, my girlfriends seemed to like him, but… I… didn’t. I guess.

Or maybe I’m making excuses to continue being a junkie, I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Maybe I fucked up in not seeking professional help for this.

Yeah… maybe.

Fuck.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part XCIX

Monday, November 30th, 2020

It’s like I don’t even care about my girlfriends anymore, lol.

I mean, I don’t get photoshoots or premieres anymore, you know, so it’s like… what’s the point? I mean, even the movies have dried up. So it’s like… that’s just not much out there, anymore, that would truly interest me.

So I have fentanyl, then.

So I’ll make THAT my new girlfriend, since it does indeed love me, I mean, I can FEEL it, lol.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, god it hurts, lol.

God I’m dumb.

Fuck me, what a waste of a life. I mean I had such promise, lol. And look at what I’ve become. Ughk, this sucks. I mean, I don’t want to just end up yet another casualty, but… I… I’m like, already there, lol. I mean I just can’t do it, you know?

Fuck.

I just feel so lost. It’s like there is no way out of this. It’s a maze without an exit. I can’t get out. I’m trapped.

This sucks.

I’m dead, lol.

Fuck.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part XCVIII

Monday, November 30th, 2020

Oh yes, thank you so much, lol. Oh god yes, that is what I need. I’m “normal” now.

The mere prospect of not having this stuff in my veins is just utterly terrifying to me, lol. It’s like it sends me into some ungodly tailspin. I mean the THOUGHT of not having it is just… scarier than anything I could possibly think of.

It’s just so POWERFULLY needed, and… life without it seems to almost be not real. It seems to be… not… natural. It’s not real life, anymore. Real life is fentanyl, to me. Without it is like some kind of alien world.

So yeah, I’m back into the protective bubble that I need to be in to feel myself. Like, this is OK. I’m OK. This is not a problem. Thank you.

Yes this is not an issue, anymore. I have everything under control…

So…

No problem, then. Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Like… no way is anyone prying fentanyl from my hands, while I’m alive. No way, no way is that going to happen. I will fight and kill for this stuff. No problem, I need it, I will get it. No matter the consequences. Because the drug “speaks” to me, and I love it, and it loves me.

So, then, that’s that. Right.

A marriage made in heaven.

Yeah.

Right…

Right.

I mean, just to re-iterate, for like the millionth time…

NO WAY CAN I EVER GIVE THIS STUFF UP, EVER, FOR ANY REASON. I WILL KILL FOR THIS. I WILL KILL FOR IT, SO DON’T ANYONE PUSH ME.

Ahhhhhhh yeah but I know that this is bad, lol, but still, that’s just how it is…

Ah god, I need MORE tho. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Ahhhh FUCK.

This is not… FUCK.

Fuck you, world. lol

Seriously.

I just want to scream, really, really loudly. So loud it could shatter glass. God damn I’m scared of being off this stuff, lol. But I’m so scared of being on it, too. I mean I can’t LIVE like this, lol.

I’m… not… thinking about this now, though. No way. No chance.

Fuck you, world.

Ah, god I just want to fucking puke.

This is nowhere near enough. Not even close. Not even remotely.

Fuck you, Tom.

Ahhhh…

Ughk.

Fuck.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part XCVII

Monday, November 30th, 2020

You know what would be good right now?

Fentanyl. Yes. Fentanyl, and lots and I mean LOTS of it. Love that fentanyl, it’s so great, I need it SO BADLY that it’s hard to even comprehend how absolutely wonderful it is, for me. I love it, it works for me, it helps me and makes me better and fixes EVERYTHING, really, I really, really need it, so bad, so bad, so badly I can’t even STAND it.

Yeah, oh man, life simply wouldn’t be worth living without it. That’s the problem, really. Life wouldn’t be worth it without it, life wouldn’t be worth ANYTHING without it, lol. Yeah, forget what I said earlier, lol. Fentanyl is… so important, for me… I need it, it works, it is EVERYTHING.

It’s just all consuming, this lust I have for it. It’s more important than anything, it means everything, it is the world and all it offers. It feels so good, it does, and I’m REALLY lacking it, right now. I just… GOD I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, lol.

Oh god, it’s just so good, so needed, ah… jeezus it’s so potently needed, for everything… I HATE trying to get “off” this stuff, because it’s like, needed for life, now, lol. Oh man, I was going to wait till tonight to take some but NO WAY, lol. No way is that even remotely acceptable, I need it NOW.

So yeah I’ve been trying to taper like a good little citizen. I don’t know, maybe I’m an idiot. I could well be. It just… feels… so… NECESSARY, and needed, and it’s like, I can’t… deal, without it. I can’t deal with anything, without it. Oh GOD

lol, gawd, so fucked up, but it’s ok, this is how I live, now. Not a problem, really.

Yeah we’ve got this under control, now. No problem.

Thing is is I can’t live without fentanyl. I can’t. No way is that even remotely possible. No way, no how, and I feel like I would do ANYTHING to get it. ANYTHING. It’s so powerfully wonderful, that stuff.

Oh god, yeah, I must take, this is utterly insane, lol

oh GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Oh god, no way can I get off this stuff. No way, no way, no way, no way… NO WAY.

I don’t care. I would rather die without it.

If nobody else in this world loves me, fentanyl will. Yup.

Yeah!

Defo.

Ahhh, I hate my life, lol. I hate it so much, I wish I was dead, lol. Ah…

I wish, I wish, I wish I could just die. I wish, I wish. Please just let me die, already.

Ahhhh…

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IT FUCKING HURTS

Alright, I’m loading up. Fuck this.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you all, I hope you all perish horribly.

Fuck you.

On the Awfulness of Biden, Part V

Sunday, November 29th, 2020

Republican politicians are worthless shitheads. All of them; don’t bother looking to find any that aren’t, you won’t find them.

For generations now, perhaps since the day World War II ended up to this day, they have consistently insisted on wasting everyone’s time on stupid, ridiculous, wasteful crusades that have brought nothing but ruin to their own country.

Take the Cold War, which, after fuck knows how many trillions of dollars spent and how many nations destroyed, we lost, spectacularly, because the Republicans who were out fighting communists in Asia were too stupid to notice that we had them here, too. Whoops! Fucking idiots, all of them. Everyone who supported that damn war betrayed and destroyed this country, and here, I’m pointing the finger at all of them- Reagan, Buchanan, Goldwater, virtually everyone associated with the military, essentially everyone who ever demonized the USSR, and everyone that supported Vietnam, and Korea, and Grenada, and everything else.

All of that was a colossal waste, all that that effort did was bankrupt the nation. Everyone that supported that stupid endeavor had a hand in ruining this country and destroying it’s future. So many resources were wasted fighting the damn Soviets that none were left over to fix any problems here, at all. All of you fuckheads should be ashamed of yourselves. It is because of you that this country is in the position it is in.

Republicans are probably the most spineless, weak, and contemptible people on the planet. All of them are losers, including Trump, who wasted fuck knows how much time on stupid nonsense like revisiting said dumb Korean war and other crapola, like all of his stupid “outreach” attempts to blacks, which only had the effect of making him look weak and insecure, naturally. I mean, like always. Republicans should NEVER do this, never, ever, for any reason, ever. It ALWAYS backfires. Always, and it always will, forever. The only reason they do it, I think, is perhaps to make themselves look stupid, I guess on purpose.

Really, the problem here is the Republicans. They fucking suck. They are the reason the country is in this mess.

There is no acceptable reason as to why the democrats are able to literally commit mass fraud on a scale that would have shocked Stalin except for the fact that the republicans always let them get away with literally anything, mostly because they have the constitutions of little girls and run and hide out of fear at the moment someone accuses them of being “racist”, i.e., white.

These worthless fuckheads have no purpose, and no value. They only serve to make everything worse, and they ALL suck. There are no good republicans. If there are any, I mean, if you see one, just wait a year or two. He will change and you will see his true colors.

So- what now?

What now is we cast off the shackles of the damn republican party and create our own laws. Since the democrats do not recognize American laws as valid, we have no reason to, either. Fuck them both.

All a republican will ever do is take his voters for granted, since in my lifetime that is all they have EVER done. All republican politicians I have ever seen or heard of have been failures and disappointments. And you know what? They’re not going to be changing any time soon.

Don’t vote, from now on. There is no reason; their laws are not valid since you are not and will never be given representation.

Create your own country, your own nation; no republicans allowed, no democrats allowed, no politicians of ANY kind allowed, ever. Fuck them all, they all suck and always will.

On the Awfulness of Biden, Part IV

Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I am not exaggerating when I call fentanyl addiction death. At least two states have used fentanyl as a drug of choice for lethal injections.

See here: https://www.addictioncenter.com/news/2019/09/fentanyl-execute-prisoners/

You want your kids using this shit recreationally? You want your kids ADDICTED to this shit? It will kill them. It will kill our country.

Biden needs to go. If he gets in, our streets are going to be swamped with this stuff.

A Biden presidency is going to render this country unlivable. I mean, Trump is absolutely no good at all, but ugh, he at least wouldn’t, I think, actively try to destroy everything good in the nation like Biden would. I think.

Yuck, how awful. Truly, all of our politicians suck. This must be the worst run nation on Earth. I mean I can’t think of another government off the top of my head as vile as ours, except possibly for Israel, or maybe Britain.

This country fucking sucks for allowing ANY of this stuff. Gawd people, what the fuck are you guys even doing? I mean, seriously.

What the fuck, guys?

On the Awfulness of Biden, Part III

Sunday, November 29th, 2020

A lot going on with the election, right now. Too much to even absorb or frankly understand, at least to me. To be honest, I’m confused. There is too much information flying too fast from too many people for me to wrap my head around. I don’t get it.

Personally- I still think the election was stolen. Of course I am far from an expert, but based on the facts I have seen, and the many things the Democratic party itself has said over the years, I think it obvious that quite a lot of fraud has occurred here.

That aside, though, we are in general in big trouble if something isn’t done to fix this place and restore some kind of rule of law.

For my own sake, I truly dread what I see coming on the streets if the borders are opened even wider than they are now. This is for many reasons, but for me of course the major one is fentanyl. Readers here know how addicted I am to that stuff.

Today was a good day, so I didn’t do anything. I just enjoyed the rare opportunity to just live, and not have to obsess over fentanyl, again. It was really nice. It was heavenly. You guys have no idea how much I wish that every day was like that, for me.

Not to mince words- fentanyl is going to kill us. It is already a plague. If the democrats get their way the problem will turn biblical. I know how brutally hard a fentanyl addiction is to manage. It is all consuming, and the stuff is so hyper potent that even a small slipup means death.

A little too much, and you die. A little too little, and you die, or at least, get horrifyingly sick, so you take too much to ward off the symptoms, and you die. Fentanyl is death; it will destroy us. No sector of our country is going to survive this epidemic intact.

Fentanyl is no COVID. It is real, and it is here, and holy shit, we are all fucked if the borders get opened. This country is going to be utterly flooded with fentanyl. It’s cheap to make and hyper potent and unbelievably addictive to someone with an addiction prone personality (like me), and yes a little bit too strong a dose and you die, pretty much instantly.

The only reason I am still alive is that I use patches, not pills. If I had used pills I would be dead right now. And of course, I live at home, with my parents. Yes, I would be dead otherwise. I’m quite sure of it.

A fentanyl addiction on the streets is a death sentence. There is simply no way to manage it. It’s impossible to accurately gauge how much you are taking; and again, a handful of micrograms (!!) off and you are looking at minutes left on your life.

And horror of horrors, carfentanil, a fentanyl derivative institutionally used for sedating animals like elephants, is making inroads on the streets (!!). This stuff is basically death squared; it’s unfit for consumption by any human for any reason and yet people on the streets are using this shit to get high.

All of this is a death sentence for our country. Seriously guys, there is no way to recover from any of this if our fentanyl problem is allowed to grow like it is. Whole towns are being wiped out by fentanyl addiction.

If Biden gets in, I’m not looking forward to the kind of horror that I think will be visited upon our country by his “open borders” policies. It’s going to be a free for all for drugs, and I suspect that fentanyl is going to be the big “growth drug” of the future. And jeezus guys, this is utter death, and I can’t really emphasize enough how major this is.

I’m kind of envisioning our streets just flooded with this stuff. I’m seeing most of the other drugs, like meth and coke and oxycontin, being pushed out by fentanyl and carfentanil. I think even with time heroin might be pushed aside by it’s deadlier cousins.

This stuff is going to be genocidal, and it needs to be stopped by any means necessary. Seriously, anything goes- if not, they’re going to kill us all.

This is why the military or someone needs to step in and stop what is happening from happening. We’re not going to have a functioning society in ten years if this stuff is allowed to continue to fester and grow.

I mean, you just can’t get OFF the stuff. It’s so insanely brutal and horrifyingly addictive. It takes a lot of planning and effort, and concentration, and not to mention RESOURCES, to even begin the process of fixing a fentanyl addiction. Most of those addicted on the streets I think have no chance of doing it.

People, this is worse than heroin. Worse than coke; worse than anything. It’s a tidal wave of death that is going to wash over our country and wipe everything away.

It needs to be stopped by any means necessary. And that means Biden needs to go.

Addendum to MechaResonance SuperHarmonic

Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I wrote this post the day before Thanksgiving, and decided to post it now.

It’s a good little essay, it’s just that I didn’t have the time to reread it before the holiday festivities.

Rereading it now… I like it. Yeah, that stuff does weird things to my brain, lol.

Fun times.

MechaResonance SuperHarmonic

Sunday, November 29th, 2020

So, I just had a cervical spine MRI.

Wow. Those are… always interesting. Very much so, especially for me. ESPECIALLY for me.

My powers are fueled by energy, of course. Like all complex machines in this world, I require an additional energy source, like how a desktop computer needs an AC outlet, or a car needs a battery. And the greater the energy source, naturally, the stronger my own output. That energy source can be death- and it’s attendant energy release, or sexual excitement, mere exercise, drugs, or… technology, even. I mean you know, like my computer. I can “charge” myself using a wall outlet, or a plain old battery, if I wish. I mean, seriously. In some ways my own superpowers are akin to something like those of Bishop from the X-Men.

So. You can imagine what it’s like, then, to have an MRI. Especially one on my head.

For those not familiar with MRI machines, they are high tech tube structures that are used as medical devices. Patients lay in them, and the MRI operators use the machine to bombard the person inside with exceptionally strong magnetic, radio, and EMF energy waves. Then, using the information gleaned from the waves and how they interacted with the person inside, a computer monitoring the data stream produces a clean image of what the patient looks like, inside himself.

Needless to say, this is always interesting to me. When I do these, I typically inadvertently use the waves generated by the MRI machines to power my own magic, and I actually often gather data on the MRI machine itself, in much the same way that it gathers data on me.

It’s… weird. And complicated. But, that is to be expected considering that it’s me we’re talking about.

And- throw in powerful mind altering narcotics ingested by yours truly on top of all that, and yeah, what a crazy soup of weird, overpowering energies, some of which of course turn out to be extradimensional.

So… Ok, I just stopped to eat dinner, lol. So I’m picking up here again.

So basically it’s like… I “integrate” with the machine, and use it’s energy to power my own abilities. To put this in a way that perhaps laymen can understand, think Cyborg from DC Comics, and the way he resonates with his technological body. It’s not really “him”, you know, but he can interface and communicate with it, and use it as though it was an extension of himself, because of a strong psychic connection.

So… yeah, like, I’m Cyborg, and Bishop. I mean, with better hair, tho. I mean obviously, lol. It’s allllll about those silky bangs and those long, flowing eyelashes, people. I mean srsly.

But srsly. … yeah, you know? That’s kinda what I need, isn’t it? I need to talk to the Justice League, for real. And I’m not kidding. I mean, THEY could help me, right? I mean, figure this stuff out, fully. Or the X-Men… but, whatever. I’ll take what I can get, I suppose.

So yeah, I’ve had some super trippy and weird experiences in those MRI machines. I mean I’ve had dozens of them over the years (seriously, people, my life has not been that fun, overall) and they always seem to… open up new vistas for me? And not necessarily good ones. And the psychic vistas opened by for me, by brain and neck MRIs especially, tend to be weird and trippy as all hell.

Yeah, at this point I must strongly warn against ordinary people trying this stuff out. I can handle it, because I am what DC Comics calls a meta- basically, I am a superhuman. Essentially, a superhero (or villain). Physically, I am extremely strong and gifted genetically; I have an extraordinarily high IQ, and I have perhaps the most powerful subconscious mind in human history. So- I can do all of this, and interface my brain and soul with a machine, and be OK. I can walk away from it, unscathed. Ordinary people I suspect could NOT handle anything like what I’m talking about here and retain their sanity. I’m being serious, people. Very.

This is one of the reasons I am VERY suspect of this “New World Order” and all of it’s transhumanism efforts. People- I am unique, in almost every way. To many people transhumanism would be disastrous. Most simply could not handle anything even remotely like this, and let’s be frank, there is nobody else on Earth who can create an transhumanist experience even 1% as good as what I can create.

So- I can do this, and easily, but again, I am a genetic curiosity. I don’t think this is a wise path for others, and CERTAINLY not for the slow-minded masses. They would simply be overwhelmed.

To put it this way- I can go toe to toe with a computerized mind with no problem. Joe Sixpack likely couldn’t. His subconscious mind would crack under the stress. The same with Shanequa from the ghetto, and Apu from the slums of India.

Seriously, guys. I’m warning you!

But, ok, I’ve completely lost my train of thought, here. I mean, I have like a soda that I reeeeeally want to drink and… I mean, you know.

So uh… ok, question. The whole blond thing. Is that a necessary component of this? I mean… maybe? Like, perhaps the only people able to truly interface with machines and achieve a sentient godhood are, maybe, dizty blond types, you know? I mean… WHAT IF?

LOL, what the even fuck, lol. That might literally turn out to be the greatest irony in human history. Ha! Turns out everyone else was just jealous, maybe. Ha! Losers.

K, whatever. I’m like, thirsty.

LOL. I’ll continue this train of thought later. I mean, it certainly warrants more attention, and perhaps it would be better to do this when I’m more sober.

Yeah, k, bye then