Horrible, so horrible.
Had the hardest time today stopping myself from getting a gun downstairs and ending this. It was close, but I did it.
I’ll just take half doses from now on, and stretch them out as far as I can. I will get off, but not all at once. I am only human.
Currently listening to Cady’s N’ Sync cover. Good stuff. I’ll still do this for her, but for me, too. Because I deserve it.
Because I deserve a life, too.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my time here. I have so many regrets and have so much disappointment that at times it doesn’t seem fair, like I’ve been cursed, or something. I wish so much I could go back and change things. Because I would change everything, I think.
I wish I had done things differently, lived differently… almost, been a different person… I think. Maybe then, everything would have been better.
It just hurts so much, even now. The pain is super intense. Inhuman. It’s too much to handle, I think for anyone. Even with my magic protecting me, my defenses are nothing against it.
I’m in trouble. It’s bad, so very very bad. It’s unfair is what it is.
Don’t I get a second chance? We’re all people. We all make mistakes. Can’t get a do-over? I mean at least with some of these things?
I mean, please? I just need a second chance is all. I chance to reset, to do some things over again. I mean, not everything. Just a few things. Enough to let me live a normal life again. That’s all I ask for, all I need.
But I won’t get it. I’m only human. This life is all you get. No do-overs, no matter how you need them. No matter how much you deserve them.
I wish it was different. It’s just so unfair.
I mean… it’s just not fair, damn it! Nobody should have to do through this much pain in one life! It’s NOT FAIR!
At least, I think it isn’t. I think.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m nothing special after all.
I don’t know. I suppose I’ll spend the weekend trying to… fix myself. To create a front, to show the world I’m not hopeless. It might be a tough, awful process.
I want to run outside and just scream. To plead, beg for someone to help me. For a hero to show me the way. I don’t know, maybe that would work. But we don’t do those things, do we? We don’t take those chances. We suffer, in silence. We bear the cross on our backs, and hope to fix things ourselves, somehow, even when the path isn’t… obvious. Or even there.
Maybe that isn’t right, but it’s what we do.
I don’t know.
I’m still contemplating suicide. It might be the best option, should I not be able to break the addiction. I mean, I would miss out on Christmas, and all the rest of them after. All that cool stuff I’m getting… all of it, would be gone.
And everything else, too. The people I know, the experiences I’ve had, Cady… and, everything else, would be gone, in a flash.
Seems so… tragic. Doesn’t it?
I… don’t know. There must be a way out of this. There MUST be. It will just take time, and… help. Like, I can’t do this one, myself. I just can’t.
I… need to stop typing. And get ready for bed, as scary as that sounds to me, now. If this half dose doesn’t take, if it doesn’t work… I’m in trouble. Like, serious, major trouble.
And I’ll get help, then. I’ll need it.
Ok, good night then.
Wish me luck, world.