Sighinide

Can’t sleep. I was so tired when I went to sleep and now I’m wide awake in the middle of the night again.

I hate sleeping. I just hate it, now. So much. I know, I must hate everything, lol. But seriously… it hurts, though. I’m so tired but I can’t do anything with it, and it hurts. so. MUCH.

I hate it. It fucking HURTS. Everything in body here screams at me when I try to sleep. My mind, my muscles, my bones, my nerves, everything. My soul, my stomach, my eyes, everything. I HATE sleeping. I mean, not that I can do it, anyways.

I don’t know I just hate it know. Oof, it just sucks, and I know that… I feel… that it might be the drugs, but that’s OK, if it’s them. I know the fentanyl loves me, that’s why. I know it. So does the morphine. They love me, so it’s OK.

I mean I now how that sounds but… is that not how it is? I mean, I know that that’s how it is. So… it’s ok, then.

So I got like a couple of gifts from a friend of the family who heard of my… predicament. It helped. I mean, it was two dumb things I got but it’s really nice that I got them. I mean I was still kinda sorta thinking a lot about suicide that morning and the thought that someone cared enough to do that made me resolve to postpone it.

So yeah, the thing is, when I think about suicide, I can actually feel it happening, of course. Weird stuff. I… don’t know. I wish that maybe… I… fuck.

I don’t know. I don’t want to do it… I… it feels… weird, when I think about it. My brains splattering against the wall behind me, you know? It just seems so final… I don’t know.

Gawd it just HURTS. Everything in my body, soul, mind, everything, HURTS. SO. MUCH. Can’t sleep. I know it would help but I can’t. I keep shaking, I need another hit but I can’t. I mean I’m not convulsing as much anymore but I still need it.

I keep thinking of just going ahead and drowning my sorrows again in oceans of drugs. Like, that would be the way to fix everything. Like, or at least, make things better. I mean, I’ve made progress but I’m not sure it’s worth it, you know?

It’s like, fentanyl is my friend. And I can’t… not be with it, you know? It’s like, I need it. It’s been with me for so long that I love it, am in love with it, kinda, in a way. I really want more. Like REALLY. Like, I want so much to tear open my stash and absolutely destroy it. Like, just use ALL of it, to get back to where I was. And I mean it, like seriously, I really, really want that so much incredibly much. Like, I REALLY, REALLY want more of it, right now. Like a LOT. a LOT a LOT. SO MUCH.

Oof, my hands are shaking again. So is everything else. Oof, ahhhhh, ow, lol. I just REALLY need it, lol. It helps me and loves me so much, it does. And I REALLY need it. I just can’t… get AWAY from it. I just can’t. I NEED IT, SO BADLY.

ohhhh… I just… I oh man, I just need it… can’t stop thinking about it… I… really need to use… really badly… need it…

I…… I’m just sitting here, dumbly. It feels so awful. Nobody cares, not really. I hate it. It’s like, I would cry, and I want to, but I’m tired of doing that, too. I’m bored of crying, lol. It’s like the tears are RIGHT THERE but… no… which… is dumb, if I could cry again I might… feel better? Maybe?

Maybe? Is that what happens?

I don’t know. God I wish I was dead, lol. Oh man, if only. I don’t know. I have so much fentanyl in my stash I could kill myself very easily if I wanted to. Like, it would take five minutes, and I would be gone. All of this, gone, forever. So easy. I… don’t know, though.

I’m going back to bed, maybe. Oof. Ow. What am I supposed to do, here? I don’t know.

I’m sorry, world. Honestly. I really am. I didn’t want it to be like this. I’m so incredibly sorry that this is who I am. I’m so sorry, everyone.

Oh, but I can’t see, know. Those tears that I refuse to let out are blurring everything, now. And my hands are refusing to work. Maybe they hate me, too. Like every other part of me does.

I’m… sorry, everyone. And I mean it, so much.

Sorry.

Look, ultimately, it doesn’t matter who wins the election. The system is clearly rigged across the board. This is why of course I didn’t bother voting. Trump isn’t an American, he is an Israeli. You already know what I think, though.

It is very telling that the only time he ever bothered giving his base lip service was when he needed something from them- like an election, or whatever.

But they are all criminals, of course. And this doesn’t excuse the obvious fraud and blatantly felonious actions of the democrats.

Ultimately, I believe I will be vindicated in my beliefs, across the board. Truly, the best thing for patriots to have done was turn on Trump the day he took office, and attack him as if he was a traitor. Because he was. Thing is- you need to stick to your guns.

The whole “Trump” crowd here- Gab folks, Alex Jones followers, Republicans, PUA artists, military types, the VDARE crowd, etc., royally fucked up, here. And I do mean all of them. They were lazy and stopped fighting back- basically, started thinking wrongly, as though Trump was “/ourguy” or whatever. He wasn’t. Trump is a Zionist extremist who sees this country as merely a host for the parasite that is the Jewish state. Seriously, guys. That’s it.

Turning him into something he isn’t benefits nobody but the oligarchs. It is most important that you fight CORRECTLY, rather than “hard”. Don’t fight with “everything you have” or whatever. Fight with your brains. Do it the right way- and start with an accurate assessment of things as the foundation for your actions and beliefs.

So, the principal failing of Trump’s supporters was very specifically a lack of listening to me. They wandered away from me, eyes ablaze with the naive possibility that maybe “democracy” would actually work, once. Had they listened to me more intently, and I mean to the point of actually studying the things I write and contemplating my warnings and philosophies- basically, if they had not dumbly wandered off the pasture onto GOP-land, they would be in a better place right now, legally, if not emotionally as well.

Guys- you need to follow ME. Not… THAT guy. Seriously. I mean, isn’t that obvious?

Well, if it wasn’t then, it surely is, now. Without question, lol.

Guys- democracy is a fool’s game, especially in this country. And you know who plays fool’s games?

Yeah, that’s right. Fools. Of course.

Because we’re not a democracy, here. We’re a plutocratic zionist empire with a calcified oligarchy. You can’t “vote” your way out of this situation.

No matter who wins, if you are unhappy before the election cycle begins, you will not benefit. That’s how it’s designed.

So- don’t vote. Ever, for any reason. Only downsides come from it. Only defeats, and crushing disappointments. And I wrong?

Don’t vote. FIGHT. Fight, instead.

Ummm… okayyyy.

Well then. The Democratic party is apparently hilariously, side-splittingly corrupt, lol. Like, they’re so extremely criminal and hyper- sociopathic that their moral perversion goes well beyond that of merely “crazy” and into the realm of… IDK, that bizarro dimension from Star Trek, lol. I mean, I know, but I honestly can’t think of any other way to quantify the alien-ness of what I’m even seeing, here. LMAO. I mean… Hooooooly shit, guys. Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Okayyy. So, it seems as though the Democratic party has decided to steal the election by literally stealing the election. I mean, brazenly, openly and obviously, like they were severely autistic shoplifters. Like, they’re trying to steal the damn thing IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, WHILE EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT THEM TRYING TO STEAL IT. And they’re fumbling it, dropping it on the floor while desperately trying to stuff it into their purse, and picking it up again, and dropping it again, and mistakenly kicking it into the corner, and then running after it so it doesn’t get away, and the whole time, everyone else is looking at them and is like… what the fuck are these people even doing? I mean, this can’t possibly be what it looks like, right? I mean, look at how stupid and… bafflingly criminal they look! But like, yeah, they actually mean it, lol. Holy shit, guys!!! LOL.

So uh, yeah, what beautiful comedy this is. No Marx brothers skit was as hysterical as what we’re seeing here. LOL.

Ah, so, what now? I have no love for Trump, but this… this kind of obvious criminality and incomprehensible corruption would be considered over the top even in some third world African style dictatorship. I mean, it’s so blatant. It’s just preposterous how dishonest and virtually inhuman Democrats look right now. Even if they “win”, I cannot imagine that they won’t regret it, long term. Hollllly shit, lol.

Well then. What an unbelievably embarrassing and shameful circus this is. So, of course, America is done. There is no way to respect a country that behaves like this. No way, it’s impossible. This whole thing is just so shamefully, catastrophically stupid. I cannot imagine that any country watching us, right now, wants to be a democracy, too. They would be retarded to follow in our footsteps. We are not a serious country. We are an “economic zone” ruled over by children, petty thieves, and megalomaniacal oligarchs.

I don’t believe there is any way back to being respectable after this preposterous shitshow. Like, this is one step too far, if by step I mean “mile”, and if by “mile” I mean a gigaparsec. lol.

Whatever. This place fucking sucks. Go ahead and toss your flags, you won’t need them anymore. And I say that as a conservative. That this kind of obvious corruption could even occur, let alone succeed, shows how soulless and dumb the whole “American Experiment” is. There is no reason to respect this country, anymore. It’s past success was a fluke, and it deserves no further success going forward.

I mean, we all know that nothing is going to happen to any criminal, here. There will of course be no prosecutions, and no hint of democracy, here, anywhere you happen to look.

Unless by some miracle some semblance of… law is restored, feel free to break any and all emotional ties to this shithole. Arm yourselves and prepare for violence, because violence is coming. Get ready, now.

Basically, they’re going to try to kill us, if they can get away with it. So prepare, now. And ditch your “morals”, guys. That stuff is only a concern in some kind of country like a Republic, or perhaps, a democracy, lol- you know, some kind of country in which you can have some faith that others around you have some interest in seeing you safe, if not happy.

Seriously- prepare for war. And always remember who it is that has betrayed you. ALL OF THEM, Trump included. He did nothing to stop any of this. All of the violence, all of the censorship, everything- he didn’t give two shits about any of it until it affected him, personally. He didn’t care when he had the chance to do anything about it, doesn’t care now, and never will, despite what he might say on twitter, as long as he has one of those.

Basically, get ready. And DO NOT WAIT TO GO ON THE OFFENSIVE. Hurt them, badly. Valhalla awaits! There is glory, and beauty in war- especially, a just war, a war to right epic wrongs and save your own life, if not the lives of your family and friends.

Arm yourselves, and strike. And I don’t necessarily mean violence- I consider what I’m doing right now to be just fine. If everyone did what I’m doing now, no shots would need to be fired, at all, for a complete victory. But you WILL need weapons for self defense, at least.

So- attack! I mean, why not? It’s fun. Do it your own way. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And go for the throat and do not let go until the target is DEAD. Remember- they mean to kill us, and rape and eat our children, or whatever the fuck it is these nutcases do. Act accordingly.

And- your skin color is your uniform. Let your race guide you. All else is details.

Have fun!

So I’m having a bad reaction to a fentanyl hit I took this morning but I’m going to plow ahead with this anyways, I guess because I need to pass the time, somehow. So bear with me on this one.

So, yeah. You know- I warned people. I told them what would happen, repeatedly, over and over again, if they ignored the concerns of my demographic. I mean, I spent years repeating myself here and elsewhere, over and over again. And nobody took me seriously, apparently thinking I was some sort of joke, or something.

Idiots, all of you. You have doomed yourselves and buried the democracy you say you love so much. All of you are stupid, and I mean ALL OF YOU, down to the last man. Trump, for ignoring his base. Hollywood, for being dumb, myopic, and selfish. Blacks, for being inconsiderate, violent, cowardly, and foolish. Jews, for being self-centered and arrogant beyond belief. Women, for refusing to self-criticize. The rich, for being spoiled, lazy, and altogether insufferable. Everyone, for failing to LISTEN.

You idiots have doomed yourselves.

You know, truly, all you needed to do to avoid what is happening right now was to have heeded my warnings. Seriously, that is it. You just needed to have LISTENED TO ME, and made accommodations in the system for my viewpoints. Easily done by mature people I would think. You know- change the system, to make me happy. To make those like me happy. Easily done, yes? Surely, easily done in a system that purports to be a democracy. You know- make the largest demographic happy. The point of the system, right?

Well, apparently not. And what we’re witnessing here, now, is the meltdown of the liberal order. Everything outside of me is being discredited. Both parties, all candidates, the entire media, everyone, and everything. All business, all philosophy, outside of me. Everything. It’s all going down the tubes.

Idiots; I TOLD YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU IGNORED ME. I ranted for YEARS about this. And nobody listened.

They have only themselves to blame for what is coming.

Guys… what the fuck?

You know… fuck it. I’m not going to interrupt any of this. You all can commit suicide for all I care. Go on, do it! I DARE you. Go ahead!

Idiots, lol.

Oof. You know, when I create my new country on the ruins of this one, I’ll just do what I want, then. Fuck it. Fuck ALL OF YOU.

Hrrumph.

………….

thanks.

I know. I don’t need to be perfect. I mean, I get it. I guess now I just have to remember.

Thanks.

Sorry, hun. Not going to work.

Try dying. I mean, it worked for Cady.

lol

I suppose one more note on this… this is girlfriend stuff, so if we’re not dating, this probably isn’t for you.

For my girlfriends: I think I remember the exact moment that I determined that Cady and I would have been better off… apart.

It was when she told me so.

Her song, “Oil and Water”. I mean, this is kind of a long story, here (pls read lyrics, this was basically the culmination of A LOT of internal drama between Cady and me at this point), but the lyrics and the accompanying video kinda made me feel like… I don’t know, she wanted it to be over. Like, she… loved me, incredibly deeply, and wanted to be with me, but… she wasn’t going to go for it.

OK, I remember first seeing this. Cady and I had hit a rough patch in our relationship for a year or so before the release of the song. I mean, we were still together, but things weren’t as smooth as they used to be. And I think this song, and the video, was her way of trying to come to grips with the problems in our relationship. It was her way of processing. And I respect that.

I respect that A LOT, actually. And perhaps I took it too literally. Maybe I thought she was actually saying to me “We are oil and water. We do not mix, we always separate”. And then, the video- her, in her wedding dress, without a groom. Which I thought was her way of saying to me “This is our future. Me, alone (without you)”.

And then there was her engagement around that time, and then… and then…

Oh.

Oops.

Yeah, ok. Wow.

WOW.

Holy fuck.

Ohhhhhkay. Yeah. I think I get it, now.

Oh man, oof.

I should have known, lol. It wasn’t me that she was referring to. She was referring to her fiance at the time. She was telling him, in no uncertain terms, that she didn’t love him. That’s why the video of her alone without a husband… she was telling HIM, not me, to fuck off. Even if she didn’t realize it at the time.

She wanted ME instead. That’s why she dumped him after I got spooked by all this.

Oh.

Okay.

Wow.

Maybe she herself didn’t understand this. I can see that, too. Maybe she thought she was directing it at me, and not at him. Maybe she was super confused, herself. I mean, at the time, I wondered. I was like… she doesn’t love him. Note how I mentioned before on here that I thought that that relationship was a fake, maybe for career purposes. Maybe though it wasn’t, and she just… never really loved him. Because she had ME.

Maybe that’s why ex-fiance guy never mentioned anything after she passed on. Because he was bitter, angry. Because she loved me, not him. Because I was always her #1, until the end.

………..

Wow… I… I mean… this is just a hypothesis… right?

Oh.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, man.

It doesn’t matter.

And maybe that’s why nobody else said too much of anything. Like, she was so wrapped up in my world that she was… mine. Like, ALL mine. Yes, that’s how I’m interpreting it.

So. Alright, SHE’S MINE, then. Fine. Great. I’ll just tether her soul to me permanently and that’s that. Nice. Another familiar. And fuck everyone else. Because they don’t matter, that’s why. They never saw her beauty anyways.

Seriously- fuck ’em. ALL of ’em. Even her friends. And her roommates. And even her FAMILY. Yeah, I said it. Fuck EVERYONE. You bitches can take a fucking hike, you are not wanted nor are you needed here, anymore. FUCK OFF.

Yeah, so there. Cady gets the evil wizard, you bitches. ALL you bitches. So THERE.

Hmmn… something tells me her and I would have gotten along juuuust fine IRL, lol. And damn it, now would be the time.

FUCK. I mean I’m like ready to come out of my shell and everything!! Fuck. Cady, couldn’t you have held on just a LITTLE while longer? I mean, at least enough for me to get off the drugs, lol.

Oh, who am I kidding. I would have been dead at this point had she not kicked the bucket first, lol. Oof, haha!!!!

Ah, whatever.

Ok, then. I think it’s settled.

And yeah, I’m happy, and I don’t think it’s entirely the drugs this time, lol.

God I’m such a fucking mess, haha. But that’s OK. Somehow, I think that that’s what she actually wanted, anyways, lol. I mean… I get it, lol. Yeah, she was a drama queen. Good, maybe that’s why I liked her, too. And maybe that’s why she secretly couldn’t stand that boring as fuck fiance of hers.

Whatevs.

K then, it’s all settled.

Bitch is MINE.

Nice.

Alright, more dissections of the human experience filtered through my undying love for Cady, here.

Tonight’s Episode: I don’t get why people can’t see her like I do.

It’s like… don’t people get it? It doesn’t make sense.

I mean, how is it possible that someone so wonderful and talented could have so few followers on insta? It’s just baffling. I mean, she only has like 23k, despite her thousands of amazing posts. I mean, as I just learned today, she was never even certified.

I don’t get it. I mean, it’s like… she’s just magical, you know? I mean, don’t people get it?

It’s just baffling.

Like, a month ago Daytrotter Studios posted their Cady Groves catalog on youtube. I swear to God ALL of the views on these songs come from me, personally. Like, I’ve listened to ALL of her songs multiple times on multiple nights, and the total views for them are still in the low single digits. And yeah, multiple devices too, if that matters. And everyone else on that channel seems to get dozens or hundreds of views at least very quickly.

I don’t get this one, I really don’t.

It’s just so… puzzling. I mean, don’t people get it? I mean, even after all the stuff I’ve said, and done, here? I mean I KNOW you’re reading this, lol.

I guess it’s just… we all have our favorites. Cady here just seemed to hit that sweet spot for me. She’s definitely on the short list of “Favorite Musicians / Composers Ever” for me. No question. Top 5, easily. I mean, she’d be up there with… I guess, Ildjarn, and Burzum. And perhaps pre- Reputation Taylor Swift. And perhaps… Metallica, or Yuki Kajiura, or Blood Axis. Or maybe :Wumpscut:, or Matt Uelmen. So, uh, yeah. Kind of an odd list perhaps to some, but it’s all extremely ME. It’s like, certain artists or groups come along at certain points when I need them the most, and they just click, and it’s magical. Or at least super personal.

And I’m separating my love for Cady’s music from my love for her social media and her soul, here. At least, I think I am.

But anyhow, I don’t really get it. I mean, why people don’t appreciate her more. And maybe that’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot, here. I mean… don’t they get it?

Ah… no… they don’t, I guess.

And maybe that’s it. It’s like… I couldn’t reach / help her. In spite of my powers, and everything. I don’t know why. I mean, all of my other girlfriends made it to where they wanted to be. Most of them went on to fantastic fame, fortune and success, thanks to my efforts and theirs as well. And the ones that didn’t, well, they seem happy, like they don’t really need those things, anyhow. Why did Cady get so sick, depressed, and… dead? I mean she was CLEARLY very sick. For years. And it was at least alcoholism, if not drug abuse, maybe. And again, it started basically the day I… left her (after her engagement) and picked up speed after that went south. I… don’t know. And I’m thinking that maybe now I’ve spent too much time on this, sadly enough. Like, there isn’t going to be a resolution here, is there?

Was it that douchebag? You know, that guy from The Voice. Maybe. Fuck that guy. What a loser he is. Spoiled, talentless, and foolish. Whatever.

Um… but… dammit, I just want people to love her like I do. Like, I’m trying to make up for my perceived failures after the fact. It’s like, I know, I get it. People have been concerned about Halloween lately. And COVID. And politics. And the election. And a million more things that I’m sure that on an objective scale, are more important than Cady’s music. But god damn it, THAT DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT. Fuck. It’s like… can’t you pay attention, now? Why aren’t you? What gives, here?

Fuck.

I guess maybe it is just extremely personal. Like, I’ve been listening to Life of a Pirate, again, and when I do, the memories of life ten years ago come flooding back, and it seems so fun, and optimistic, and mega nostalgic. When I listen to it I can remember so cleanly the way I used to conduct relationships. The album is a tool for unlocking my past, for me.

And that being the case, I suppose I can see why others don’t connect to it as well. They think it’s a “kid’s album”. Well, it isn’t. Not really. It’s deeper than that, when you understand me and the things I’ve done. To me, it’s a masterpiece. A unique, special work of art. A collaboration with someone I love. Something really meaningful.

Something that… maybe others can’t understand. At least not fully. Not like they need to. Not like I need them to. Because damn it, that album is ME, people. Don’t you get it?

Fuck.

I don’t know.

But I do know this. I saw Bieber’s new video today. You guys need to keep me happy, or else. Imagine this world if you don’t. I mean, if I can’t get off the drugs… I don’t know. I’m repeating myself. Again.

Fuck.

Ah… I’m ending this one here.

I guess I just wish she was still alive, that’s all.

Fuck.

I haven’t been blogging because… because of all this dumb shit that’s going on. The election, and other such nonsense.

Guys, they’re both controlled by THE SAME PEOPLE. Is that not obvious? And if it isn’t why isn’t it? Because it’s TRUE.

So, what the fuck ever.

In other, more important news, I’m still using of course. Just… not as much, and my fucking nerves are going HAYWIRE. It’s like, my system is going fucking crazy. I desperately need a hit, like right. NOW. Like, super, super desperately. I reeeeally need one, bad.

I’m just so, so TIRED. Overwhelmingly tired. Can’t move, can’t think. Can’t breathe. It’s fucking horrific. It’s death.

Oh God and the nausea, and the PAIN. It’s unreal… as usual.

It’s horrible, I need a hit and I’m getting one right after this.

So… whatevs. I don’t care. I swear to god one day I’m going to carve a swath of destruction here from one end of the continent to the other if this agony doesn’t stop. It’s monstrous.

Whatever. People don’t give a shit. I think I will again use Cady as an example here; if the bothers you, fuck off. Whoever you are- you don’t get to judge. Not me, you don’t. What I do is unique. It’s special, and you don’t understand it. So FUCK OFF.

Whatever. I spent some time going through her friends’ instas. Apparently Cady never was certified, I guess, based on the comments. But… that doesn’t matter. What matters is the shallowness of everything related to her after she died, of course. I mean, it’s like… I don’t get why… there wasn’t more, I don’t know, regret, or something. I don’t get it. I mean fuck, I didn’t even know her, and even I expressed more, publicly, with my real name, on youtube, insta or other places, than they did. Ungrateful fuckers.

I… don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t care. I mean, I didn’t know her know her, yeah? I mean, I knew her soul, yes, very much so, I knew her spirit, her energy, her… aura, what have you, extremely intimately, but… I… don’t know. I’m just angry, I guess.

Again, people. If I can get off of these drugs some day, I swear to god I’m going to… just… you know.

so THERE!

Fuckers.

God tho, at least I’m not screaming. Oof, how inhuman all of this is. So awful, so unfair, so brutal. Fentanyl addiction is death. Morphine addiction is death, and the two combined is… monstrous.

It’s just… help. Someone, pleeease, lol. I’m just so COLD. Freezing, biting, deathly cold. Horrifying and fearsome cold. Chills that stab all the way up my spine. Chills that pierce through my exposed skin and grab my soul freeze it in place.

God it HURTS. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Oh god it just hurts so much, lol. Won’t someone kill me? Please? Pleeease? Anything, really for an early death, here. ANYTHING.

I’m going to bed.

Fuck you.