So I was walking down the street when it happened.
BOOM.
Taylor Swift.
She was there, walking down the avenue, a bag of oranges in hand, in an orange coat with a pair of orange plastic sunglasses.
So I was like, orange sunglasses? ORANGE?
Who the fuck wears orange sunglasses?
So I walk up to her, and I’m like “Hey Taylor, nice sunglasses.” Then I roll my eyes, but she didn’t see that because she wasn’t looking at me.
So she turns quick to look at me and is like “Hey thanks. Tom.”
So then I was like “What are you doing here? I thought you lived in New York.”
And then she was like “I do live in New York. I’m just visiting here.”
Okay, THAT’S weird. Why is she visiting here?
“Yeah, I know.” She says, like she just read my mind, like she was me or something. “It’s a bit slow here.”
Duh. That’s why I became a telepath, obviously. I mean, there’s nobody cool to talk to here. NOBODY!
So then a dude with muscles and a bright orange T-shirt like a traffic cone saunters up between me and Tay. “Taylor, is this guy bothering you?”
I sure hope so! I thought to myself, unfortunately not aloud.
“No, it’s OK. That’s Tom. You know, the vampire?” She sighed. “My husband.”
“Him?” He squinted, as if trying to process this apparently complex info. It took him a minute, and then he understood. Kinda. “Ohhhhh, you’re the wizard!!!”
“Yup.”
“Wow, uhhh, Tom. So what are you doing here?”
“Um, I LIVE here. I mean, in this area.” The bright orange midday sun was getting stronger. I pulled out my sunglasses, thankfully ones for normal people, and slipped them on with a wry smile out of an early Tom Cruise movie.
Taylor rolled her eyes. Not that it mattered, with those glasses of hers.
I reached into my pocket, took out a stick of orange Trident and popped it into my open mouth, my gaze never breaking hers. I chomped on it, good and hard, and let the sugary sweetness douse my mouth in effervescent orangy flavor. MMMmmmm.
“So Taylor, what ARE you doing here, luv?” I asked, in between syrupy chomps.
“I’m… shopping.”
“Obviously. But it’s a bit weird, you know, to see you grocery shopping something like a thousand miles from your apartment.” I gestured around, to the other shoppers here in the local Farmer’s Market, all of whom were busy stuffing their bags with food. Well, oranges and corn, really. We don’t have much in variety of produce, here.
“I know… I’m actually here on business.”
“BUSINESS!?!?!?” I stifled a laugh, but not too much. Business, here? In a small town in suburban Illinois?
“Yes Tom, business. And I really need to go.”
“NOT before the requisite selfie!!!!”
I swooped up close to her while whipping out my phone, in a move so smooth it would have left onlookers gasping, if there were any. Taylor’s bodyguard just stood there, still processing the “wizard” thing.
In a quick flurry of thumb taps, I snagged a good 5 selfies with me and a surprised Taylor.
“Okay Tom, you need to do this right.” Tay’s face was flushed. It was red, but it looked orangish underneath her layers of pancake makeup. She grabbed my phone and with the deft hand of a master, took some proper selfies with me.
I kissed her on the cheek. I mean, you have to take the chances you’re given, right?
“Tom… don’t.” She sighed. “You’re sweet, but I don’t have time for this.”
“Okay.” I grabbed her hands. My lips tasted like petroleum. “What are you doing, really? Because I know it isn’t business.”
“I’m here… to see a fan.” I thought about cracking a joke like ‘Mission Accomplished!’ but her dour expression told me nah, don’t do that.
“A fan?”
“Yeah. A few. At the Children’s Hospital.”
Ohhhhhh. I get it. “Ah, I see. I get it.” I put on my concerned face. “So the oranges are for…”
“The kids. I was hoping to get a variety of fresh fruit for them but…”
“It’s OK, Tay. Oranges are pretty much the healthiest thing ever.”
“Yeah, I guess. And that’s why I have the sunglasses. You know, to break the ice with the kids. To make them laugh.”
Ah, Iiiiii see. That’s my Tay, always thinking ahead. I pulled on her coat and hugged her tightly. The hot orange sun enveloped us both. In the heat of the midday sun, I took off her sunglasses and kissed her waxy lips. She relaxed a bit and for a minute we played tonsil hockey with my gumwad.
I won, and then we separated. She still had half my gum in her mouth. So symbolic!
“Tom…” She smacked, her mouth filling with flashes of orange as she spoke. “You can come with, if you’d like.”
I was surprised. I chewed a response. “Naw, it’s OK…” *Snap* *Pop* “They wouldn’t know me, anyways. They don’t care about me.”
She smiled, her newly orange front teeth glistening in the bright sunlight. Against her ultra white back teeth, her front teeth looked really bizarre. “Are you sure? You might be surprised.”
I turned to Tay’s bodyguard. “I don’t know. What do you think, bro? Would the kids know me?”
“Yeah… yeah.” He started. “Yeah, I think so!!” He was looking at Taylor while saying this, not at me. I think he just wanted to keep her approval.
Tay smiled again. Her teeth were now clean. Any evidence of slight imperfection was now gone from her appearance.
I sighed. “I don’t know. Remember, these kids don’t have too long to spend with you. And they want to see you, not me. Nobody’s ever given me a Make-A-Wish or whatever request yet.”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” We hugged again. “I love you, Tom.”
“I. LOVE. You. Taylor!” I hugged her for another minute, put her sunglasses back on her face, and then pushed her away. “Go on! Make those kids happy!”
She laughed. “Bye!”
“Adios!” I turned and started back home.
This time, I didn’t look back.