The trials and turbulence of our teenage years are not easy things to navigate. The wealth of so many hopes and problems can tie us up in a mess of emotions and destinies. The freedoms given to us by newfound adulthood can paralyze us. Mistakes happen.
Today… if I could choose to change one thing about my teen years- just one thing- it would be for me to have taken TaeKwonDo seriously. Looking back, I now realize that I could’ve been an Olympic athlete myself if I only would have seen myself as one.
I *wish* I would have seen myself as one. Dammit, I LOVE the Olympics! All the ingredients for me to have competed myself were there, but I just couldn’t put that last puzzle piece- my own self-image- into the right place.
I could have gone! Fuck.
By the time I was fourteen, I had 9 years of TaeKwonDo training. I was an expert. I was a natural athlete with a sharp mind and perfect technique. And then, when I was fifteen, a two time Olympic silver medalist, who was then widely regarded as the all-time best in his weight class, became my sensei. Under him, I became what I now realize was one of the best TaeKwonDo fighters in the country. And I know now that if I would have applied myself a bit more, I could have become one of the best in the world. Maybe the best in the world. I distinctly remember how impressed the judges were of me in my black belt test- and those were the same judges who officiated the Olympic Games.
It is awesome to realize now how good I was, but I didn’t know that when it counted. I never competed in Nationals, even when I could have won. I just couldn’t tear myself away from my small-town mindset long enough to travel somewhere and try something new. And, of course, I was afraid of losing. Too afraid to even try.
I should have tried. I wish I knew then what I know now: that your biggest regrets when you get older are not the times when came in second, or even fourth, but those times when you were too nervous to compete.
When I watch the Olympics now I love them, of course. But I watch them with a tinge of regret and envy. Perhaps this is why I so want to be a part of what’s happening on the Olympic stage right now. I am, I’m not ashamed to say, a bit jealous of Gracie Gold right now. That could have been me when I was her age.
Oh well. The choices we make determine who we are. If I would have taken home a gold medal, would I have tried to prove myself as a writer, or a programmer, or a wizard? Would I have been as hungry? I don’t know.
Maybe everything worked out for the best.
But… maybe not. Team USA looks like it’s having the time of its life right now. To see the whole experience, to take it all in, and to let it uplift you- it would change a person for the better.
I’ve always wanted a personal, public recognition of myself. An Olympic medal would have been the ultimate way to get it. It would have filled a hole in me that is still empty today.
… No. I shouldn’t dwell on the past. And I certainly shouldn’t begrudge the successes of others.
I hope I see Gracie or Ashley up on the podium again. They deserve it.