Alright, time to cut something else out.
I’m scared.
I need to get that out; I have to.
Blaring this right now:
It’s Cady’s ode to her dead brother, Kelly. I remember what she said when he died, and thankfully, the poster of the video there provided what she said back then so I don’t have to take the time to search for it. Here it is:
“My brother just died. I stare at that sentence and still my brain refuses to process that. My heart may never. My best friend. The only person who would care about the dumb ideas and stories and jokes I had going through my head day by day. He was my biggest fan. He used to buy boxes and boxes of merch off of my website without telling me just to help my dream. Those boxes were all just found in his attic and donated. I never knew. He introduced me to my favorite band and his- Our Lady Peace. When I was 9 he would let me in his room and he’d play shitty covers of our favorite Our Lady Peace song “bring back the sun” on his electric guitar and I would sing. Our lady peace was the song that played at his funeral. The other day I was driving in traffic in LA and all of a sudden my ipod randomly started playing Our Lady Peace “bring back the sun” and I completely lost it. It was his way of making me finally face the fact that he’s gone. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I got so mad in that moment. Why him? why me? I have quickly realized that without him in my life- it’s like the lights got turned off. So this little ROUGH vocal acoustic demo is tying all of that together…MY take on the title “bring back the sun” I love you brother.”
Sad, that. Very tragic. In feeling, a mirror image of my own thoughts about Cady this weekend.
In fact, looking at it now, the resemblance between our twin grieving processes is… uncanny. It’s kind of scary, TBH.
What I hate is that Kelly’s youtube is still up, a happy, eerie, ghastly reminder of what started all of this. Seeing him and Cady sing together, knowing what happened to them both, is… disconcerting, no matter how beautiful it is.
Right now I can feel the pull of that accursed fentanyl grasping like some mindless zombie at my brain. It needs to be fed. Whether it kills me or not is irrelevant. It needs me, more than I need it, and yet I am powerless against it.
It could kill me; it almost has. I have overdosed before. The times I mentioned earlier, when I said that I couldn’t for my own sake, look out for Cady as well? I had to scrape by and cling to life with the skin of my teeth. The drugs took my sanity, my health, my everything, and nearly left me a dead, used up shell, like… what happened, I guess, to Cady, and Kelly.
Yeah, I HAVE to get out of this, or I will die like she did. I am quite sure of it; very positive. I will die, and it may be ugly, and that is not how I want it to end. This little thing I had with her needs a happy ending; it demands it.
Not sure of what the social consequences would be if I was to die like that, considering that I’m apparently the voice of the generation. I shudder to think.
The impact that Cobain’s death had on the X’ers frankly could not be underestimated. I cannot follow suit; this opioid plague needs to have some light to it; some hope it can be overcome. If I succumb to it as well, that could be a proverbial straw for the back of this nation’s culture. Or at least it would be as far as white people are concerned.
If I cannot get over this thing, if I follow Cady into the nether before my time… I don’t know. Yikes. There could be no hope for us. Like at all. Apparently, amongst my generation, I alone have the power to change the system. My ability to peer into alternate universes makes me a greater force in some ways than any amount of money owned by anyone, or any military power in the world. I can change things; I can make them better.
I need to get my life back on track. Not immediately- I am only human, but definitely steadily. As I said before, that is how I will honor Cady.
Thank again hun. I’ll make you proud.
I just need to get over this thing first.
I’m sure you understand.