I’m cutting again. Don’t worry, yes I know, this is 1) Cliche- I know, some emo white nerd self-harms because he thinks the world is unfair, blah blah who cares what he thinks, lol 2) Dumb- Obviously, this is indeed stupid but whatever, I just feel it’s better than suicide at least, and 3) Temporary- just for now.
So it’ll go away, in time. Also, see (2). Better this than an intentional overdose, which would I think be worse than all of those accidental ones I keep having.
Whatever. So I took a box cutter today and gave myself a few new tiny scars on my left forearm. Teeny ones. Minuscule. Not a cause for worry, so please don’t. It isn’t worth it.
This is all a stopgap measure. I’m sure things will perk up eventually.
I knew I was going down this road when I couldn’t stop cutting my fingers with toenail clippers, lol. It’s like a natural progression of sorts. Biting nails -> toenail clippers -> box cutters.
But whatever please don’t be concerned. I mean, not that you are but… lol. This IS better than suicide, which scares the shit out of me considering how easy it would be, and how much and how often I want it.
I mean god it would be so simple. All of my problems gone in an instant. All of them, and I’d be off to a better place. I mean, would it matter? I’ve done all I wanted to do in life. And few if anybody would truly miss me. Nobody cares, lol.
So what the fuck ever. I’m going to go back to cutting, at least for now, at least in some small form. Test the waters, see how it goes. I think I NEED this. So, good.
At least I’m going somewhere in life. These things need to be managed.
You know it’s dumb and very inappropriate to say this, I mean it’s just stupid and awful, I know, but I wish that Cady was still alive. Not that she has ANYTHING to do with this- she doesn’t- I mean, I’m immature, yes, but not THAT immature, at least I hope, but I wish she was here, and that she would have found some other way.
It’s just like that thing with her really rocked my fragile little boat. I STILL hate what happened there. Like, what kind of monster kills someone like that? I mean I know not me, but seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? Oof. Gawd, poor poor Cady. Poor Cady for having met me. Poor Cady, for letting me in when all I would do is ruin her. I hate her for letting herself get wrecked by loving me. What was she thinking? Stupid chick, lol.
I can still see her. The way she was. I’ve been listening to her music a lot lately- her demos and her popular videos. I can see her, she’s a part of me- but she’s not. Not enough. Not how I want her to be. I treated her extremely poorly, I know that now. Obviously, I took her for granted and… well, you know. The usual.
I will neverrrrrrrr forgive myself for what happened there. Not even if I live to be 100. Which I will.
Unfortunately.
Whatever. My concerns are stupid.
I mean, this isn’t Cady’s fault. It’s the other things. The bigger things, to me. Which means the small things, to others.
Who cares, honestly.
This is just me being dumb again.
sigh…
Oh and one more thing- no matter what happens here, this is entirely on me. This rests on my shoulders; nobody else had a hand in any of this at all.
It’s all fake, just remember that.