It sucks that for all my power, I can’t undo this one thing. I just can’t, no matter how hard I try. She’s dead. And it’s like the rest of it doesn’t matter the light of this.
I can’t go back and change this one, little thing. This one thing in all the hundreds or thousands of girls that have come and gone, and damn it, it still hurts. Fuck me. What the hell is my problem? Is this normal? I found out she died exactly a month ago from today, and I’m still wishing more than anything that I could go back and change this one thing. I mean it’s been a whole month now. You would think I would have gotten over this at this point, right?
Well than why haven’t I?
I mean it’s not like it’s all I think about, it isn’t, but today I guess it just hit me again, and I just can’t get beyond it. It’s like, it HURTS damn it!
I reeeeally wish that that wouldn’t have happened. She had such a unique place in my heart that I don’t think anyone else can fill. It’s like there’s a hole there, now, and it’s begging to be filled and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
I reeeeeally want her back. Like really badly, perhaps now more than ever. And I hate it.
I hate it so much, and I hate her, still.
I know I need to not think about this, I mean it’s been a month but I just can’t. Is this wrong? I don’t know. Americans don’t deal with death well. We ignore it, belittle it, cast it aside. We’re scared of it, I guess. But that doesn’t help at all people trying to deal with it- and at times, that’s everyone, since death comes for us all at some point.
I mean I just can’t change it. And yeah I’ve tried. But she’s dead, and I need to accept it and I guess… forget about it.
I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve put her pictures back into my “main” directory, so I see her folder every once in a while. And out of habit of course I thus then “check up” on her every day like I do my other primary girls.
I just don’t want her gone.
I reeeeeeally wish I could change what happened. I’ve gone over it in my mind, turned it around, examined it, studied it, created plans of action, etc. But nothing changes anything. She’s dead, maybe I killed her. That’s just the reality of it.
There are a million things I can think of now that I would like to have done differently, and one simple reason why none of that will ever matter. She’s dead. So, there’s no going back. No amount of talking to her and “willing” her to live can change this.
I’ve been holding out hope that somehow I could alter the timeline and bring her back. Not been successful, at least thus far. The fact is: she’s dead, maybe because she wanted to be. And that’s that.
Doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I hope it wasn’t me that did it. I really hope it wasn’t. Please please make that not be the case.
IDK. I’m going to go back into drugs for now, I guess.
Suicide is always an option, lol. I could follow her, as dumb as that sounds. Get out of here like she did.
I don’t know.
But right now the drugs are washing over me, deadening my nerves. Smothering the me in myself.
Good. Let me drift away for awhile and think about something else.