Yeah ok, I saw enough of the movie to get the point of it. Ok, I get it, thank you very much for the warning.
IDK though, I mean there must be a way to make it work, right? There must be. You know, addiction and real life, I mean. The two are not necessarily irreconcilable. I just can’t believe they are, what with the huge amount of people that have been on drugs and not… messed things up, IRL. I mean I’m not one of those people, but there must be a way to make it work, right?
I mean… it’s not like I don’t… understand, but maybe others aren’t- like maybe those in my life IRL are having trouble getting the reality of the situation. I mean I know that some people have kinda sorta cut me out of their lives because of the addiction-ish problems I have, I know about the crying and the… fear, and everything. I know what my family thinks, I know what my doctors think, I know what those I meet on the street think. But the thing is, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT. It’s not, and I know what I think, too. It’s not for nothing that I, ugh, jumped at the chance to get some free Narcan, when the opportunity presented itself to me. I mean… it was free, right? Why not?
Ughk.
I mean… but it isn’t like that, I mean I know what I said after the Cady debacle, but… yeah, I don’t know.
It’s so late, all I do know is that I need to get my ass to bed, and STOP THINKING ABOUT NARCOTICS for once, lol. I mean I need to. After all, I have to get up early to take my first hit, haha.
I got a schedule to keep, you know?
Well… whatever.
Off to bed.
I will admit this is getting tiresome, even to me. Oof.
Um… thank god for my celebrity girls though, wow. What would I be today had I not had them, I wonder? I mean, back when I took my first hit. My mind shudders to think. Jeezus. How strong would the pull of narcotics have on me, then? I mean without that moderating influence.
Fuck, I’d be dead, lol. No question I’d have been dead probably sometime this year, maybe in the spring or so. Yeah, I think we all know that. I think. Well, maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but it’s at least a strong possibility. Ughk.
Yeah, off to bed.
I might still need to get help, maybe. We’ll see.
I think probably not, but we’ll see.
Right.
Oh man, I’m staring at some fentanyl riiiiight now. Looks so… inviting. Lovely. Like I know what it is, but I swear to god how I feel about this stuff is just fucking bizarre. It’s so so weird.
Um, bedtime. I’ll “reward” myself in the morning.
The new pain med is kinda dissapointing, TBH. Maybe I can get a higher dose. I hope so, I’ve built up quite a tolerance. Yup. Quiiiiiite a tolerance. To put it mildly, lol.
Uh, off to bed.
Right.
Uh… no. I need something.
No, wait, no I don’t.
Tell you what- I’ll try going to bed. First time I wake up I pop a pill. Yes, that’s it.
And after breakfast?
I take the fentanyl.
Yes. THAT’S it.
Maybe I’ll talk to Cady before bed. Something tells me I need to.
Gawd my hands are shaking again, lol. oof, this sucks. I mean it’s 2:30 AM and I REALLY need to go to bed. But it’s like I so can’t, like not at all, until I get another hit. I need it SO BADLY.
NO.
Cady, then bed. Yessir.
Right.