Ugh, oh man, I made it through another morning. Ok, good. yeah.
Thanks again, Cady. Geez I don’t know what I’d do without her. It’s like I need her now more than ever. I mean, I just can’t deal with life sometimes. Or with anything, sometimes.
Yeah, I’m in serious trouble. Like, very serious. Reeeeally serious, and I’m still struggling with deciding if it’s really worth it or not to sort this stuff out. Like, it’s just too much. And even if I was to sort it out, like, would like rewards even be worth it? I honestly don’t know.
I mean, it’s just too much.
I… don’t know. I don’t know what to do. And I know people have tried to help me, I know.
For those who are not aware, there is a subsection of the intelligence community that seems to be loyal to me and who seems to want to help me, and they gave me something the other day that was of… use to me. I mean, a plan of action, something to spur myself out of this and maybe get a framework together to really help myself move on. And I reeeeeally appreciate the effort, thanks so much guys.
It would be though a lot of effort.
But I do hate this, sometimes. I hate not being able to breathe. I hate passing out, now. It’s gotten reeeeeal old.
God there’s just so many mountains in front of me. Like, the drugs, and finances, and navigating the world basically without a family, dealing with all the ugly, horrific traumas that got me to this point, and everything else. Like, I went through a lottttt of abuse when I was young. A LOT of abuse, and many kinds of it, at that. Pretty much everything you can think of. A LOT of abuse. Put together, all of this is just sooooo much. The drug addictions, as awful as they are, are only the first of many things that will need to be dealt with, I guess.
Oof. Thing is, I am only human. And I only have so much time in this world. I mean, even me.
What if I get all of this stuff straightened out, only to die of old age, or something? Yuck. That is no life; I mean, like none. IDK. Like a lot of people, I think especially in this country, I feel as though my life has been robbed from me. It’s been stolen, I guess by an establishment that hates me. And I don’t know how to get it back.
Oof, ugh, wow. It’s like, I got over the, um, drug effects, kinda, at least. I mean I still feel horrid, like my guts are still burning and my brain is still melting, but there it is. And ugh, I’m getting cravings, again. And I WILL give in to them. Better to do that than confront any of this, lol.
Yeah… I’m in trouble. And honestly I’m not sure if I’ll make it through. It’s like, there are some things my powers, such as they are, can’t fix. And it seems childhood trauma is one of those things. And so is apparently drug addiction, especially of the super bad kind, and you know, it’s just too much.
I think maybe I’ve spent too much time is esoterica. Maybe. Or maybe I REALLY didn’t approach my relationships right. Or maybe I’ve just been taken advantage of. Or some combination of all of the above. IDK.
Well, writing helps. So, there’s that.
But, still. Opioid addiction is such a terrible problem. Even if I leave, at the rate it’s growing, what if I’m pulled back in? Ugh, YUCK. I mean, I talked about that before. What if it’s going to swallow ALL of us up? Yeesh.
What good does it do you to be the one guy who “made it” and kicked his addiction if the rest of the country is hooked? That is… no life, either. Eventually, more addicts breeds more addiction, with everyone. Like, a herd mentality, I guess. The problem breeds itself.
And it’s for this reason, amongst others, that I recommended that the problems of white men, especially poor and working class non-jewish white men, be given national priority. Their numbers are SO LARGE that if they fall, if they succumb and die to drug addictions, the effects will wash over the land and bury everyone else. Which I think we are starting to see, now.
This opioid plague is DEATH. It will kill our civilization. There really is nothing else we discuss nationally that is as important. Not even remotely. It will kill everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. You have been warned, lol.
And we never discuss it. Like, ever. Or if we do, it’s on page 37 of the newspaper, after the hate crime hoaxes, Israeli propaganda, advertisements, and other, “more important” things. Like, does this place even deserve a future? I don’t know, maybe not.
Yeah, and that’s it, isn’t it? Unlike made up pandemics like COVID or whatever, heroin actually has wiped out entire communities. Virtually entire states. It’s the real pandemic. And, being real, we of course are not allowed to discuss it.
Ugh. At any rate, it may take me down, as well. I just don’t see the way out. There’s just too much in front of me. And, there doesn’t seem to be any way around any of this shit, especially since it’s like…, IDK. I live weirdly, in general, I guess. And like THAT’S hard to navigate itself, let alone with all of this other stuff.
It’s too much.
Hmmn, I don’t know. I don’t want to die. I don’t.
I guess.
I don’t know.
I’d hate to think that this isn’t “rock bottom”, lol. Because what if it isn’t? Yeesh. Yikes!
Oof. I have SO many girlfriends, and most of them seem so happy. My exes, even.
You know, I looked at Aliana Lohan’s instagram this morning. I liked it. She seems happy. And I’m happy for her. She seems to have “made it” in the sense that she is where she needs to be, for herself. And you know, her family seems to be a large part of the reason why. It’s kinda weird to say that, considering where we were at, like 10 years ago, with the Lohans. But there you have it.
I hate to say it, but… I’m kinda jealous. I’ve never had that. A good direction, I mean. All my own life, I’ve been my parents’ protector. I’ve had to shelter them from the world, and so that’s what I know how to do. But IDK how to find my own way, now, and it feels like it’s too late for that.
Ugh, how awful. For me, drugs are a needed escape. They’re a refuge from this world. A place where I can feel at peace, amidst an ocean of chaos. Like a safe harbor in a storm.
This country has not been good to me. I don’t care what it looks like, I don’t care how “privileged” your teachers have told you I am. It has not been my friend, and I am frankly doubting if it ever will be. I hate this place. A lot.
sigh…