Ok.
So.
I’ve been thinking. Because it’s like, I don’t get it.
So… my girlfriends are happy, and I mean like EXTREMELY happy. I mean, it’s crazy how happy they are. It’s like, they’re free and doing well and they act like they’re… complete, and that the world is theirs. And in most cases, I think I’m the major reason why.
Most of my girlfriends were… not successful, before they met me. I mean, not famous. Not rich, most them. I mean not really. And I guess I made them so, you know, the usual story, etc. etc., Selena Gomez, Kathryn Newton, Katherine McNamara, Victoria Justice, Alexandra Daddario, Lucy Hale blah blah and so on and so on, etc.
But, so… why the fuck am I so miserable? LOL. I mean, OK, there’s the drugs, obviously. Hardcore narcotics addiction completely fucks up your brain chemistry. Fentanyl, in particular, is a super powerful sedative of course. It is only natural that I would be unhappy being a fentanyl addict. Naturally.
But I mean… why am I an addict, in the first place? Does that just not make sense to anyone else, or is that just me?
Ok, let’s think about this. Let’s say I have fifty girlfriends. That is not an unreasonable number for me at all, and in fact, this is a low ubb for me. The addiction has taken a powerful toll on my energy and endurance, no doubt. So- fifty. And generally speaking, ALL of them are super happy. Much happier than they were before they met me, undoubtedly. Except for maybe one, or two. But no more than two at the most.
So why the fuck am I a junkie?
Well… um… hmmmn. I think it’s like… the system has broken down. The natural way isn’t working. Like, what my instincts tell me I should expect to be happening isn’t.
Ok. So. Here’s how it usually goes, I think.
A guy gets a girlfriend. Said girlfriend does her thing, then, and tries to “fix” (improve) the guy. And it works, he gets improved, and they… live happily ever after? Ok, let’s say that this is an idealized scenario. Let’s say that this is a relationship that “works”. Like, let’s take a me, and a Katherine McNamara in real life. I mean a relationship that is super good and has world-class chemistry.
In that case, both guy and girl get improved. They both lift each other up to new heights, and create something bigger than themselves. They create almost a new way of being for each other, and in doing so, they improve the lives of others in their orbit. The beneficial energies they create help others, too.
That system… doesn’t seem to work quite like that, with me. It’s like… I need some things fixed in my life that require a female touch. Ok, I’m VERY male. I’m a super, ultra alpha male. An apex predator. Essentially a god amongst men, for other men.
Which is nice, but of course, Mr. Super Alpha Apex Supreme Predator Tyrant Master has weak spots in his routine, and that is where women come into play. The women, then, work to “fill in the gaps” so to speak to help Mr. “God amongst men” further his lifestyle.
It’s like the old saying- behind every great man stands a great woman. (Or two. Or fifty, lol. But I mean at least one.)
So… in my case, the gaps that need filling in go unfilled, chiefly because my girlfriends are too far away from me to fix the little holes that only a woman would notice need fixing (I know, stereotype, but bear with me, here). And because said holes aren’t fixed, they grow, over time.
So… yeah.
Hmmmn. So yeah, I think I get it, then.
So how can we fix this, then? I mean, with me, here, and them… all the way over there.
I… don’t know. I honestly don’t. I think that at least part of the problem is that I cannot tell my family what I do. I mean, how am I supposed to tell my parents I’m the Anti-Christ? I mean, seriously. How the fuck do you even do that? I can’t even imagine a scenario in which that would be an easy, or even doable, conversation.
Certainly, not with my ultra-religious Catholic parents. I mean, there is no way to make that kind of convo go even in the ballpark of “productive”.
I mean, it’s cool and all being the Anti-Christ, but seriously, it reeeeally doesn’t make for a good Thanksgiving dinner conversation, lol. I mean, could you even imagine? Hahahahaha!!! How does one drop that kind of truth bomb? LOL. I mean would you casually mention that before or after serving the stuffing? LOL.
So… yeah. I don’t know.
I really wish there was some kind of manual for this stuff. Something like a “for dummies” book for a religious prophet, or for an avatar for God, or something. Would make this stuff a lot easier no doubt.
I guess I’ll just have to keep winging it.
Ohhhkay, then. Sure, why not.
I sure hope it works, then.
Yeah… defo.