Um… I don’t know, I suppose I should write about something before bed today, so…
Well, let’s write about this, then.
So… had kinda sorta a bad morning, took some fentanyl and felt better, etc., the usual. It’s weird, my nerves felt like they were melting in the shower, but I guess that’s to be expected since I went too long before using. So, yeah, there’s that.
Talked to Cady, she got my head screwed on straight as the fentanyl took effect. Thanks? Although it’s not like she had anything else to do. She talked me off a bridge, again, but this time it wasn’t quite as scary and desperate, perhaps owing to how I’m trying to kinda-sorta get my addictions under control. I mean, it’s… kinda going well, in that respect. Kind… of. Mostly. At least somewhat. I guess.
Hmmmn. Well.
So… I listened to her two last demo tracks, both were very good, and very personal. The last, from December 2018, indicated a kind of profound insecurity about our relationship, owing I guess to Cady’s massive (at the time) misunderstanding of me. I mean, I know she directed it at me; it’s obvious, but still… Cady, dear… lol. The impression I get from the track is that Cady hugely underestimates my power, apparently not knowing that at the time I was purposely concealing it. And as well she of course did not understand the whys of why I wasn’t still sleeping with her. And I guess, that one is… my fault, for not explaining things, and maybe trying to work things out, and perhaps for not trying to understand her, myself. Sorry, Cady.
So… I found Cady’s obit, and thought about maybe leaving a message. Something innocuous, likely with my real name, but no details about… telepathy, lol, or necromancy, lmao. You, know, something that wouldn’t cause a fuss. I don’t know, would even that be in bad taste? I mean the last message was from June, and most were from her friends and family. I don’t know.
Again, though, this hardly seems fair, doesn’t it? I mean it seriously seems… in very bad taste, that I wasn’t on there, a long time, ago. I mean, I understand why, but still… I don’t understand it, either. It isn’t right; not moral at all, really, to have left me out of this. It’s super, super rude. Insulting, honestly. And frankly rather dumb and small minded. I mean, I was her muse, if nothing else. Just because most people do not understand what we had and couldn’t is no reason to ignore it entirely. Honestly- that sucks, guys.
Whatever. I might go ahead, why not. Leave a note as though I was a random fan, or something else. You know- something I wasn’t, I guess to once again not ruffle anyone’s feathers. I mean, you don’t want to make people jealous, or shatter their dumb, fragile, shallow understandings of what this world is. Because showing the rubes what this world actually IS is… wrong? At least, they themselves do not like it; they prefer themselves to live in fantasyland, I guess, and who are we to tell them their fantasies are dumb and wrong, just because they are?
Whatever. Maybe I’ll take a risk… ehhh… maybe not. They’ll just delete it anyways.
Or maybe I won’t bother. I mean, in spite of how utterly wrong that would be, I think, to both Cady and I. I mean, it’s not like it’s actually important to her, I mean, I can feel her right now telling me not to be concerned, but still. It’s the spirit of the thing, you know? I mean not the ACTUAL spirit of course, I mean I’m kinda talking to that right now, but the… social expectations of all of this, which are… stupid, and wrong, lol. Uh, whatever. Maybe I’ll just let it go, but… I’m TIRED of doing that.
I hate it, always just letting EVERYTHING like this slide. I always have to, I can’t tell anyone, anything, about what I do, ever. Like I can’t even begin to broach any of these topics with anybody without breaking enormous social taboos. And damn it, that seriously is NEVER fair to me, kinda like how nothing ever is, in this society. It’s too much. Too big a cross to bear, to have to constantly pretend to be someone I’m not. To always constantly, unendingly have to hide the fact that I have superpowers from everyone I meet. It’s hell to be a superhero. It fucking sucks. I mean it’s fun at first, but then the little problems start to pile up, and since you can’t talk to ANYBODY about them, they just continue to pile and pile until they bury you, and you can never get out from underneath them.
It’s horrible, awful. It fucking sucks, and is a large part of the reason why I always turn to drugs for relief instead of… anything else. Because for me, there IS nothing else.
It’s so horribly, crushingly lonely being the sole superpowered human in a world of normal people that will NEVER understand you and will hate talking to you when you are even a little bit honest because they will feel threatened and scared, so you don’t even bother. It fucking SUCKS, and I really hate it.
Fuck it, I’m not going to leave a message. Because fuck those people, anyways. I hate them, and Cady is mine, now, forever, anyhow. She MY family now, you assholes. Fuck you all, I hope you fucks die in a fire.
So there.
I swear to God one day I’m going to just kill everyone in this country from one coast to the other. Just because, just to prove a point. So THERE. Fuck you all.
Whatever.
So, dumb, anyways. I mean it’s not like she’s important, you know? Or even really was. Just some dumb singer that never really had what it took to make it, I guess. Yeah, so why should I be concerned? So I’m not, then. She’s not worth it. I mean SHE HERSELF didn’t think she was when she decided to drown herself in alcohol that night, right? So why should I care, then? I don’t. Because fuck it, and FUCK HER. That cunt, she’s making me feel like this for no reason.
Yeah.
So I’m going to take some more fentanyl and… think about stuff, before bed. Maybe hang out with some REAL celebrities, you know, like I do every night. So THERE.
Right.
Good.
…………..
Fuck.