……..
Well…
I was going to talk about something, here. And… I still am, but… not what I was going to. I think. Basically.
I went through some old bookmarks, just now. I mean, bookmarks of picture collections. Albums of old rares of the group. Miley, Demi, Selena, Alexa, Sammy… and everyone else, McKaley Miller, the Dorseys, Lucy Hale, Rachel Fox… and the rest- you know- Bridgit, the Jonases, Debby, and… Cady, and… Kayslee, Audrey, you know, everyone, and all the familiar guys, Bieber, and everyone else. You know- Taylor, Ashley and way so many others.
I love that stuff, lol. It’s always such a peek into a better time. Like an old yearbook, only better. Flickr is great for this. Most of that site seems frozen in 2009, which makes it an incredible repository of the old culture.
I got a good laugh out of Selena’s recent upload where she seems almost incredulous at how many followers she has. A wry smile, I saw, when she said “100 million”. Hmmn, yeah. 100 million… wow. I remember those times when I had to hunt to find pictures of her. I mean I literally drained the internet of all publicly available pictures of her, at one point. This was before she had a twitter or an instagram. A lonnnnng time ago. Too long, almost. No… it is too long, though. Way too long, at this point.
It seems almost like a distant dream, that world. Like an eternity apart from where we are now. I wish it weren’t so. I wonder what I would give to go back there, for a day. And I wonder why.
I don’t know. Jeez she had such an influence on me. So huge. Wow. I… don’t know how to even encapsulate it. I mean, what do I even say, to all of this? The years and the changes, the experiences, and everything. It’s too much to even grasp, let alone summarize.
So I was going to talk about Wizards of Waverly Place, and… I want to, I mean, it’s important, of course. This is what solidified our relationship and altered the course of history. I mean, there’s the obvious of course- of course, much of the show if not all of it was I think inspired by my own experiences with her, and Demi, and Miley… but, I don’t know.
I mean I would need to rewatch clips of it on youtube to remap that stuff in my brain, and I’m not… kinda… in the mood for that? And I’m too old, anyways. I guess. Kinda. Well, it seems not really, but there you go.
Uhm… yeah, I don’t know what to say. I guess it’s just that I think that that was the first time in my life where I felt truly accepted for who I was. Like, people liked me before. But that isn’t the same as “accepting”. Selena and Demi and their friends actually appreciated what I had to offer the world. I mean, my powers, and everything else. Like, they really wanted to hang out with me in such a way that I got the chance to truly be myself. So, I was with them, but not as a wallflower, or as some cute guy in the background. They really invited me in and wanted to get to know me; my abilities, my faults, my… everything, even the dumb everyday stuff that nobody really seems to have time for, except for maybe your closest friends.
I mean, they loved me. The real me, unfiltered, in a way that nobody else ever did up to that point. And that was just so liberating, and incredible. And so impactful. I remember listening to Kiss and Tell and being absolutely floored by it, like… wow, she loves me, in spite of the things I do. Or even because of them. And god that was HUGE. It just changed my life. It changed everyone’s. I mean I just couldn’t believe how personal it was.
And our relationship only grew from there, but I think that nothing I ever see or do in this life will replace the impact that Kiss and Tell had on me. It was like… even to that point, I didn’t know, not really, that all of this wasn’t just… a hallucination. I didn’t know that it was even real, and I thought that maybe I was losing my mind, lol. But then that album came out and… yeah, it answered everything. It was the key to unlocking me. And I don’t think I will ever feel that way again. I mean, not that I necessarily need to, but…
I guess I just want to be understood, and respected, for what I do. And I get that from celebs, but not in my real life. The people in my family, for instance, regard me as… Tom, that kid they’ve always known. Not as who I am. Which is good I guess but… it isn’t accurate, and that really isn’t good. I’m not the person I was 15 years ago, obviously. And we can all see that, but I suppose my parents can’t, and maybe never will. And the same with everyone else. I have fans, but not in my neighborhood. To them, I’m still just that guy, I guess. I’m too familiar to them.
Oh, I don’t know. I wish my life were different and I’m looking for some easy way to change it, and I’m not finding it. I don’t like how I live. I hate being a drug addict. I hate being sick, I hate… everything else, and I hate feeling trapped, so much. I mean, trapped by my own depression, and by the fentanyl and morphine, etc. And by the government, of course. And by my own family, sometimes. And by myself, and everyone else. I hate it, and I wish I could get out.
Ah, this sucks, it really does. Oh I just OUT so badly. I hate crying in here to Cady Groves’ music, which I did AGAIN this morning, maybe because I took some fentanyl and I don’t think it agreed with me, again. That shit has weird effects, sometimes. Messes with my mind something fierce.
But I don’t know, I just want OUT. How depressing all of this is. How dreadful. I just hate it, so much.
I wish Selena was here with me. I’d like to talk to her about the stuff we’ve done over the years. I mean, I can invite her in, of course, but…
well…
I need to leave, I think.
Yeah.
sigh…