So- my body is still repairing itself from the drug abuse.
Jeebus, holy fuck. What an awful, ugly hell this all is.
I seem to cycle between a series of health related terrors. First, I feel extremely “sick”. You know, tired, sore throat, congested, headaches, digestive problems, etc. Then I get extremely thirsty and dehydrated, and even more tired, and confused. Then that passes after a few days, and then in the days following that, I get a burst of energy, along with an overwhelming desire to exercise- which I do, a lot, while I can. Then I get very sick again.
What I guess is that the fentanyl has actually built up inside my body. Well, that, and likely a lot of other poisons and toxins. That’s kinda how it feels I think.
A theory I have is that the years of drug abuse caused some nerve damage, which damaged my muscles, in a kind of domino effect. The muscle damage caused poisons, waste products, and perhaps fentanyl itself to build up in my muscles, so moving and exercising perhaps frees up these poisons to circulate in my bloodstream.
The nerve damage caused by the fentanyl also crippled my digestion. After all the digestive tract contains a huge mass of nerves in and of itself. Regarding that, google tells me this: “There are estimated to be 100 million neurons in the human small intestine alone, making the ENS the largest collection of neurons and glia outside the brain, and by far the largest division of the peripheral nervous system (Furness, 2006).” So yeah, since fentanyl abuse directly impacts the nerves, it hits digestion hard, disrupting it if not ruining it outright. And a ruined digestion causes everything else in the body to misfire, since you can’t process food properly. I don’t think I was absorbing nutrients correctly, for example. Or maybe even water.
Come to think of it, that might be why I feel so incredibly dehydrated sometimes. My body was starving for water since I couldn’t absorb anything properly, since my digestion was ruined. I do know that I was retaining water, that’s for sure. I was incredibly bloated with water weight up until a couple weeks ago. My naturopath from a long time ago told me that can happen when your body is unsure if it can get a fresh supply from some other source.
So yeah I keep exercising as much as my body allows. I’m a lot stronger and leaner than I was two months ago, thank god. Holy Jeebus, I felt awful, and I mean truly awful, back then. So tired, weak, and dead. So confused. I couldn’t even think. Seriously- WTF was I even doing? Holy Christ, how fucking awful and brutal that all was. Ye gods. How dreadful, and utterly traumatizing.
Speaking of which, the exercise helps me to purge the negative emotions, too. Thank god for my dumbbell collection. Seriously. What the fuck would I even do without it? I mean, I’m imagining my life right now without it and I don’t like what I’m seeing, like at all. Oof.
I think next year for Christmas I will reward myself maybe with a pair of urethane coated dumbbells. You know, those new kind of ones? Like, IDK, maybe a pair of 15’s, or something. I’ve had neoprene 15’s and 20’s in the past but they always get dirty and are impossible to clean correctly. I stop using them after awhile.
For now I’ve been using my collection of PVC dumbbells (yes, lol). Laugh if you want, those things are easy to clean, don’t require gloves, and the molded plastic feels super comfy on the hand. To purge the toxins and get back to a baseline of “normal-ish” I’ve been using a nice pair of 5kg (10kg total) PVC dumbbells I got from eBay. They were last year’s Christmas present to myself, but I’ve not had a chance to really use them until now. So, yeah. I love those things. Just pick them up with your bare hands and use them. Easy peasy.
I also do pilates, pushups, and sometimes basic Karate stuff, when I can. Pilates I love, love, love. IDK what people think about a guy doing pilates, that stuff is fucking awesome. And it’s not as easy as it looks, either. I’ve been doing them off and on now for about 10 years, and I’ve mastered quite a few of the moves. Obviously I’m not professional level but TBH I think I’m kinda-sorta close at this point. Well- let’s say this. At my best, I think I’m about equal to a female professional, as a male. I’m not in the same class as the male professionals. Yeah, that sounds about right.
So- my plan is to do pilates until I get back my old abdominal and leg strength and flexibility, and then do more Karate stuff, to finish off the physical foundation.
I refuse to jog. Fuck that. Too cold in the winter, too many allergies in the other seasons. No way. Nothing outside, ever. I stay indoors, where I belong.
It just occurred to me that I’m actually not in that bad a shape, overall. I mean, in terms of BMI. My weight is 185-190, and I’m 6 foot 3. I’m still a bit chubby and bloated from the drug abuse, but I can fix that with time. Exchange 5-10 pounds of fat with an equal amount of muscle and I’ll be back to my previous, pre-drug abuse state. That should be by summer or later spring, I’m guessing.
IMO for my age I haven’t done too badly, in terms of weight. Frankly I’m probably better than a good 90% of men my age, and honestly maybe 95%, which is a scary thought, since I don’t even have a gym membership. Yikes, lol. At least, where I live this is true. Maybe not where others live; IDK. But around here? Yeah, it’s kind of amazing how… out-of-shape people look. It’s kind of shocking TBH.
Not sure I will ever get that six-pack look that Hollywood favors. Not sure I want to. I hear that you need to be hungry, like all the time, to maintain that. I mean… fuck that, lol. No way. I have psychic powers. I’ll get girls that way, lol. I am NOT giving up my ice cream and popcorn. No way; I refuse.
Speaking of which- does anyone know how to gain lots of chest muscle without heavy weights? Is there a way? I mean I do pushups but I’m not good at them; I’m not weak, but for some reason my joints don’t seem to align that way. I mean there’s nothing wrong with them, functionally, but it’s like… they don’t work like that. The angles of my shoulder and elbow joints aren’t “stable” in that position for some reason. I usually have to resort to incline pushups and other variations. Another of my genetic anomalies. IDK. Dumbbell/bar presses are actually fine, no matter the weight, tho. IDK.
I was thinking of isometrics. Would that help? Probably not that much, I’m guessing. IDK, honestly. I’m not going the gym route. I mean, not that I even could anymore, anyways. Yuck. And I don’t have a bar or plates, etc.
Well, I mean if anyone has any ideas…
So… yeah. I need to keep detoxing, shedding… fat, and water, etc., and rebuilding myself back up to my baseline.
Yeah, okay, then. Sounds like a plan. With time my body should reset itself, then.
Right; ok, then.