I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately- mostly from the 90’s, but a few before and a few after.
It’s been interesting. And revealing. And I’ve learned a lot that I can’t discuss here for lack of time and space.
But I will say this: I think I’ve found appropriate closure with pretty much all of my early relationships.
I’ve been a revelation to rewatch movies that I saw as a teenager with a fresh eye, correct assumptions and a full knowledge of the situation and the world’s unfolded history since then. Honestly, it’s been nothing short of a miracle.
It’s… amazing, and hard to put into words, the kind of… stuff, I guess, and feelings and plans I’ve been learning about. For example, my past girlfriends were clearly not at all the innocent flowers I thought they were, lol.
I can see very clearly now how girls like Alicia Silverstone, Katie Holmes, Dushku, Jolie, Ricci, and Dunst baited and… led me, in certain directions, usually into very personal sexual relationships, without me realizing it, let alone knowing how they were doing it. I seriously thought even as recently as a couple of years ago that I was the one who initiated those relationships.
Nope, though. Ah, lol. Geez, men really are thick about these things, aren’t they?
Suddenly, Alicia Silverstone’s The Crush actually makes sense, lol. Prior to me even knowing who she was- I mean, this was before even those Aerosmith videos- I watched The Crush on TV and was… baffled, but oddly intrigued, by the huge amount of rather… poignant (uncanny?) references to my personal life at the time, down to the book report I wrote about Wuthering Heights of all things. I was like……. what? But again I wrote it all off as being a string of coincidences. I mean, aren’t all movies filled with very personal references to everyone else’s life, too?
Geez, lol. And the part with the swing, haha. I mean… wow, Alicia. You could have just, IDK, asked me out or something, you know. But that isn’t how we do things, is it? No, we, being the crowd of drama queens that we all are, must do things in the most convoluted, mysterious, gossipy and public ways possible.
And… all those references that Angelina Jolie peppered her early films with, especially Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow, and Hackers. Watching Hackers now, I can see clearly how broad of a brush they used when pointing the film directly at me. Watching it as a confused high schooler, though… yeah, I didn’t get it. I remember renting the VHS from the local supermarket, watching it, and… getting somewhat confused by the uncanny valley nature of it, but liking it overall. Angelina’s well placed and timed nude scene of course was pretty instrumental in getting me to fall head over heels for her back then, probably because she put it in there seemingly specifically for me, in such a way that would maximize it’s effect on my thought patterns, hahaha. Real sneaky, hun.
Milla Jovovich, too, which would go along way to explaining how her daughter seems to know much too easily the precise steps that are needed to maximize my interest at the specific age that both she and I are at. Kinda… uncanny valley, again, but Milla had her eyes on me for a very, very long time, even going as far as to write a few songs about me on her debut album, Gentleman Who Fell, of which I believe I am the titular gentleman, and thus recognized as the AntiChrist, even back then (thanks, Milla, for that tidbit). “Gentleman Who Fell” is an obvious reference to the fallen angel, Lucifer, or at least his avatar, the AntiChrist (me). “Gentleman” here also contains obvious sexual references- I mean, the video for this song was literally Milla the supermodel frolicking naked for three minutes. Don’t tell me that that didn’t have an effect on my teenage self. IIRC correctly I used to stay up late watching MTV specifically hoping to see it, lol. And of course there’s some other stuff there that I won’t get into.
On that note, Ultraviolet is nothing less than a nonstop parade of references to me. Literally every scene in the film, every line of dialogue, every visual and symbol, every sound effect and note of music, is all me, and often on more than one level (pun intended, lol). Perhaps that is why others didn’t take to it so much.
Ultraviolet is packed with symbols and references to virtually every video game I have ever played, and every video game-esque fantasy I have ever had. There’s Quake in there, Quake II, Super Mario Bros., Zelda, Forsaken, Unreal, Serious Sam, references to my childhood friend’s Intellivision and Atari systems… and a whole lot else, a full list here would take days to create. It also has a direct and obvious reference to my old cutting habits (the cuts on her fingers and hands, in literally the exact same places that I did it. I mean, that’s exactly what it was. You’ll know it when you see it.)
And it has shedloads of other references to my childhood- look, my old playground! That’s my guitar case! And everything else that has ever happened to me or I had ever owned up until that point, holy shit. And a bunch of stuff I’m not going to get into, yet. A LOT of stuff I’m not going to get into, yet.
And Kirsten Dunst, too. Not in that way; I’m still on Ultraviolet, here. Christ, I did a triple take when I saw her cameo, replete with innuendo about me and our relationship. Wait, that wasn’t her? Nonsense, yes it clearly was. Fine, it was just someone who looks identical to her dressed up to look EXACTLY LIKE SHE DOES.
And again, I rented this when it was released, and… had a super crazy uncanny valley / dissociative session while watching it, lol. That part with the TV and the remote? Holy shit, what an incredibly crazy infinite recursive loop that was. I watched the film on virtually the same TV, in a very very similar room, holding the same remote, with the same hand, just like it appeared in the movie. Same level of ambient lighting and everything. Unreal. Absolutely nuts.
And is it just me, or were there references to a possible future relationship with me and the as-of-then unborn Ever Gabo in the flick, as well? I mean… there couldn’t be, right? No way, no fucking way. Right? I guess?
Right? Uhm… right?
Kinda?
And Kirsten herself… I can hardly believe how much she loved me. I mean, it’s just… incredible. I mean obviously she did, but I just… and the Buffy girls too. And Charlize Theron, and… Christina Ricci, and… everyone.
I’ll need to go into all of this later. Wayyyyyy wayyyyy too much to process right now.
But I mean, Small Soldiers, right? And that one scene, with my stand in inside a room with a tied up and tortured Kirsten Dunst and a bunch of evil, naked girl dolls voiced by Christina Ricci and Sarah Michelle Gellar who throw themselves at and sexually assault me while Dunst screams in agony and shock, which is… kinda disturbing and not at all romantic, now that I think about it.
But perfect for a crowd of drama queens, though. lol. And it was absolutely par for the course for those old relationships, as turbulent and… crazily intense as they were.
Those girls definitely gave as much as they took, absolutely no question about that. Holy cripes, lol.
But it’s late, now. Very late, and I’m start to feel as though I’m performing an autopsy, with all of this grim analysis.
Fitting for the AntiChrist, no?
Ah, good night, then. Maybe I’ll take India Eisley tonight. I mean, speaking of the children of my innumerable ex’s, lol.
But… yeah, wow. Closure achieved?
I think so.
I think so.
Yeah.
Mostly, but…
Yeah.
Sure.