Sighinide

You know what would be good right now?

Fentanyl. Yes. Fentanyl, and lots and I mean LOTS of it. Love that fentanyl, it’s so great, I need it SO BADLY that it’s hard to even comprehend how absolutely wonderful it is, for me. I love it, it works for me, it helps me and makes me better and fixes EVERYTHING, really, I really, really need it, so bad, so bad, so badly I can’t even STAND it.

Yeah, oh man, life simply wouldn’t be worth living without it. That’s the problem, really. Life wouldn’t be worth it without it, life wouldn’t be worth ANYTHING without it, lol. Yeah, forget what I said earlier, lol. Fentanyl is… so important, for me… I need it, it works, it is EVERYTHING.

It’s just all consuming, this lust I have for it. It’s more important than anything, it means everything, it is the world and all it offers. It feels so good, it does, and I’m REALLY lacking it, right now. I just… GOD I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, lol.

Oh god, it’s just so good, so needed, ah… jeezus it’s so potently needed, for everything… I HATE trying to get “off” this stuff, because it’s like, needed for life, now, lol. Oh man, I was going to wait till tonight to take some but NO WAY, lol. No way is that even remotely acceptable, I need it NOW.

So yeah I’ve been trying to taper like a good little citizen. I don’t know, maybe I’m an idiot. I could well be. It just… feels… so… NECESSARY, and needed, and it’s like, I can’t… deal, without it. I can’t deal with anything, without it. Oh GOD

lol, gawd, so fucked up, but it’s ok, this is how I live, now. Not a problem, really.

Yeah we’ve got this under control, now. No problem.

Thing is is I can’t live without fentanyl. I can’t. No way is that even remotely possible. No way, no how, and I feel like I would do ANYTHING to get it. ANYTHING. It’s so powerfully wonderful, that stuff.

Oh god, yeah, I must take, this is utterly insane, lol

oh GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Oh god, no way can I get off this stuff. No way, no way, no way, no way… NO WAY.

I don’t care. I would rather die without it.

If nobody else in this world loves me, fentanyl will. Yup.

Yeah!

Defo.

Ahhh, I hate my life, lol. I hate it so much, I wish I was dead, lol. Ah…

I wish, I wish, I wish I could just die. I wish, I wish. Please just let me die, already.

Ahhhh…

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IT FUCKING HURTS

Alright, I’m loading up. Fuck this.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you all, I hope you all perish horribly.

Fuck you.

Republican politicians are worthless shitheads. All of them; don’t bother looking to find any that aren’t, you won’t find them.

For generations now, perhaps since the day World War II ended up to this day, they have consistently insisted on wasting everyone’s time on stupid, ridiculous, wasteful crusades that have brought nothing but ruin to their own country.

Take the Cold War, which, after fuck knows how many trillions of dollars spent and how many nations destroyed, we lost, spectacularly, because the Republicans who were out fighting communists in Asia were too stupid to notice that we had them here, too. Whoops! Fucking idiots, all of them. Everyone who supported that damn war betrayed and destroyed this country, and here, I’m pointing the finger at all of them- Reagan, Buchanan, Goldwater, virtually everyone associated with the military, essentially everyone who ever demonized the USSR, and everyone that supported Vietnam, and Korea, and Grenada, and everything else.

All of that was a colossal waste, all that that effort did was bankrupt the nation. Everyone that supported that stupid endeavor had a hand in ruining this country and destroying it’s future. So many resources were wasted fighting the damn Soviets that none were left over to fix any problems here, at all. All of you fuckheads should be ashamed of yourselves. It is because of you that this country is in the position it is in.

Republicans are probably the most spineless, weak, and contemptible people on the planet. All of them are losers, including Trump, who wasted fuck knows how much time on stupid nonsense like revisiting said dumb Korean war and other crapola, like all of his stupid “outreach” attempts to blacks, which only had the effect of making him look weak and insecure, naturally. I mean, like always. Republicans should NEVER do this, never, ever, for any reason, ever. It ALWAYS backfires. Always, and it always will, forever. The only reason they do it, I think, is perhaps to make themselves look stupid, I guess on purpose.

Really, the problem here is the Republicans. They fucking suck. They are the reason the country is in this mess.

There is no acceptable reason as to why the democrats are able to literally commit mass fraud on a scale that would have shocked Stalin except for the fact that the republicans always let them get away with literally anything, mostly because they have the constitutions of little girls and run and hide out of fear at the moment someone accuses them of being “racist”, i.e., white.

These worthless fuckheads have no purpose, and no value. They only serve to make everything worse, and they ALL suck. There are no good republicans. If there are any, I mean, if you see one, just wait a year or two. He will change and you will see his true colors.

So- what now?

What now is we cast off the shackles of the damn republican party and create our own laws. Since the democrats do not recognize American laws as valid, we have no reason to, either. Fuck them both.

All a republican will ever do is take his voters for granted, since in my lifetime that is all they have EVER done. All republican politicians I have ever seen or heard of have been failures and disappointments. And you know what? They’re not going to be changing any time soon.

Don’t vote, from now on. There is no reason; their laws are not valid since you are not and will never be given representation.

Create your own country, your own nation; no republicans allowed, no democrats allowed, no politicians of ANY kind allowed, ever. Fuck them all, they all suck and always will.

I am not exaggerating when I call fentanyl addiction death. At least two states have used fentanyl as a drug of choice for lethal injections.

See here: https://www.addictioncenter.com/news/2019/09/fentanyl-execute-prisoners/

You want your kids using this shit recreationally? You want your kids ADDICTED to this shit? It will kill them. It will kill our country.

Biden needs to go. If he gets in, our streets are going to be swamped with this stuff.

A Biden presidency is going to render this country unlivable. I mean, Trump is absolutely no good at all, but ugh, he at least wouldn’t, I think, actively try to destroy everything good in the nation like Biden would. I think.

Yuck, how awful. Truly, all of our politicians suck. This must be the worst run nation on Earth. I mean I can’t think of another government off the top of my head as vile as ours, except possibly for Israel, or maybe Britain.

This country fucking sucks for allowing ANY of this stuff. Gawd people, what the fuck are you guys even doing? I mean, seriously.

What the fuck, guys?

A lot going on with the election, right now. Too much to even absorb or frankly understand, at least to me. To be honest, I’m confused. There is too much information flying too fast from too many people for me to wrap my head around. I don’t get it.

Personally- I still think the election was stolen. Of course I am far from an expert, but based on the facts I have seen, and the many things the Democratic party itself has said over the years, I think it obvious that quite a lot of fraud has occurred here.

That aside, though, we are in general in big trouble if something isn’t done to fix this place and restore some kind of rule of law.

For my own sake, I truly dread what I see coming on the streets if the borders are opened even wider than they are now. This is for many reasons, but for me of course the major one is fentanyl. Readers here know how addicted I am to that stuff.

Today was a good day, so I didn’t do anything. I just enjoyed the rare opportunity to just live, and not have to obsess over fentanyl, again. It was really nice. It was heavenly. You guys have no idea how much I wish that every day was like that, for me.

Not to mince words- fentanyl is going to kill us. It is already a plague. If the democrats get their way the problem will turn biblical. I know how brutally hard a fentanyl addiction is to manage. It is all consuming, and the stuff is so hyper potent that even a small slipup means death.

A little too much, and you die. A little too little, and you die, or at least, get horrifyingly sick, so you take too much to ward off the symptoms, and you die. Fentanyl is death; it will destroy us. No sector of our country is going to survive this epidemic intact.

Fentanyl is no COVID. It is real, and it is here, and holy shit, we are all fucked if the borders get opened. This country is going to be utterly flooded with fentanyl. It’s cheap to make and hyper potent and unbelievably addictive to someone with an addiction prone personality (like me), and yes a little bit too strong a dose and you die, pretty much instantly.

The only reason I am still alive is that I use patches, not pills. If I had used pills I would be dead right now. And of course, I live at home, with my parents. Yes, I would be dead otherwise. I’m quite sure of it.

A fentanyl addiction on the streets is a death sentence. There is simply no way to manage it. It’s impossible to accurately gauge how much you are taking; and again, a handful of micrograms (!!) off and you are looking at minutes left on your life.

And horror of horrors, carfentanil, a fentanyl derivative institutionally used for sedating animals like elephants, is making inroads on the streets (!!). This stuff is basically death squared; it’s unfit for consumption by any human for any reason and yet people on the streets are using this shit to get high.

All of this is a death sentence for our country. Seriously guys, there is no way to recover from any of this if our fentanyl problem is allowed to grow like it is. Whole towns are being wiped out by fentanyl addiction.

If Biden gets in, I’m not looking forward to the kind of horror that I think will be visited upon our country by his “open borders” policies. It’s going to be a free for all for drugs, and I suspect that fentanyl is going to be the big “growth drug” of the future. And jeezus guys, this is utter death, and I can’t really emphasize enough how major this is.

I’m kind of envisioning our streets just flooded with this stuff. I’m seeing most of the other drugs, like meth and coke and oxycontin, being pushed out by fentanyl and carfentanil. I think even with time heroin might be pushed aside by it’s deadlier cousins.

This stuff is going to be genocidal, and it needs to be stopped by any means necessary. Seriously, anything goes- if not, they’re going to kill us all.

This is why the military or someone needs to step in and stop what is happening from happening. We’re not going to have a functioning society in ten years if this stuff is allowed to continue to fester and grow.

I mean, you just can’t get OFF the stuff. It’s so insanely brutal and horrifyingly addictive. It takes a lot of planning and effort, and concentration, and not to mention RESOURCES, to even begin the process of fixing a fentanyl addiction. Most of those addicted on the streets I think have no chance of doing it.

People, this is worse than heroin. Worse than coke; worse than anything. It’s a tidal wave of death that is going to wash over our country and wipe everything away.

It needs to be stopped by any means necessary. And that means Biden needs to go.

I wrote this post the day before Thanksgiving, and decided to post it now.

It’s a good little essay, it’s just that I didn’t have the time to reread it before the holiday festivities.

Rereading it now… I like it. Yeah, that stuff does weird things to my brain, lol.

Fun times.

So, I just had a cervical spine MRI.

Wow. Those are… always interesting. Very much so, especially for me. ESPECIALLY for me.

My powers are fueled by energy, of course. Like all complex machines in this world, I require an additional energy source, like how a desktop computer needs an AC outlet, or a car needs a battery. And the greater the energy source, naturally, the stronger my own output. That energy source can be death- and it’s attendant energy release, or sexual excitement, mere exercise, drugs, or… technology, even. I mean you know, like my computer. I can “charge” myself using a wall outlet, or a plain old battery, if I wish. I mean, seriously. In some ways my own superpowers are akin to something like those of Bishop from the X-Men.

So. You can imagine what it’s like, then, to have an MRI. Especially one on my head.

For those not familiar with MRI machines, they are high tech tube structures that are used as medical devices. Patients lay in them, and the MRI operators use the machine to bombard the person inside with exceptionally strong magnetic, radio, and EMF energy waves. Then, using the information gleaned from the waves and how they interacted with the person inside, a computer monitoring the data stream produces a clean image of what the patient looks like, inside himself.

Needless to say, this is always interesting to me. When I do these, I typically inadvertently use the waves generated by the MRI machines to power my own magic, and I actually often gather data on the MRI machine itself, in much the same way that it gathers data on me.

It’s… weird. And complicated. But, that is to be expected considering that it’s me we’re talking about.

And- throw in powerful mind altering narcotics ingested by yours truly on top of all that, and yeah, what a crazy soup of weird, overpowering energies, some of which of course turn out to be extradimensional.

So… Ok, I just stopped to eat dinner, lol. So I’m picking up here again.

So basically it’s like… I “integrate” with the machine, and use it’s energy to power my own abilities. To put this in a way that perhaps laymen can understand, think Cyborg from DC Comics, and the way he resonates with his technological body. It’s not really “him”, you know, but he can interface and communicate with it, and use it as though it was an extension of himself, because of a strong psychic connection.

So… yeah, like, I’m Cyborg, and Bishop. I mean, with better hair, tho. I mean obviously, lol. It’s allllll about those silky bangs and those long, flowing eyelashes, people. I mean srsly.

But srsly. … yeah, you know? That’s kinda what I need, isn’t it? I need to talk to the Justice League, for real. And I’m not kidding. I mean, THEY could help me, right? I mean, figure this stuff out, fully. Or the X-Men… but, whatever. I’ll take what I can get, I suppose.

So yeah, I’ve had some super trippy and weird experiences in those MRI machines. I mean I’ve had dozens of them over the years (seriously, people, my life has not been that fun, overall) and they always seem to… open up new vistas for me? And not necessarily good ones. And the psychic vistas opened by for me, by brain and neck MRIs especially, tend to be weird and trippy as all hell.

Yeah, at this point I must strongly warn against ordinary people trying this stuff out. I can handle it, because I am what DC Comics calls a meta- basically, I am a superhuman. Essentially, a superhero (or villain). Physically, I am extremely strong and gifted genetically; I have an extraordinarily high IQ, and I have perhaps the most powerful subconscious mind in human history. So- I can do all of this, and interface my brain and soul with a machine, and be OK. I can walk away from it, unscathed. Ordinary people I suspect could NOT handle anything like what I’m talking about here and retain their sanity. I’m being serious, people. Very.

This is one of the reasons I am VERY suspect of this “New World Order” and all of it’s transhumanism efforts. People- I am unique, in almost every way. To many people transhumanism would be disastrous. Most simply could not handle anything even remotely like this, and let’s be frank, there is nobody else on Earth who can create an transhumanist experience even 1% as good as what I can create.

So- I can do this, and easily, but again, I am a genetic curiosity. I don’t think this is a wise path for others, and CERTAINLY not for the slow-minded masses. They would simply be overwhelmed.

To put it this way- I can go toe to toe with a computerized mind with no problem. Joe Sixpack likely couldn’t. His subconscious mind would crack under the stress. The same with Shanequa from the ghetto, and Apu from the slums of India.

Seriously, guys. I’m warning you!

But, ok, I’ve completely lost my train of thought, here. I mean, I have like a soda that I reeeeeally want to drink and… I mean, you know.

So uh… ok, question. The whole blond thing. Is that a necessary component of this? I mean… maybe? Like, perhaps the only people able to truly interface with machines and achieve a sentient godhood are, maybe, dizty blond types, you know? I mean… WHAT IF?

LOL, what the even fuck, lol. That might literally turn out to be the greatest irony in human history. Ha! Turns out everyone else was just jealous, maybe. Ha! Losers.

K, whatever. I’m like, thirsty.

LOL. I’ll continue this train of thought later. I mean, it certainly warrants more attention, and perhaps it would be better to do this when I’m more sober.

Yeah, k, bye then

What am I thankful for, today? My family, my girlfriends, Cady… me? I don’t know, yeah, I suppose so.

… I don’t know. Everything? Ugh, god damn it, I need some more fentanyl, fuck. FUCK. It’s like I can’t even concentrate.

But seriously, let’s get back to the post. I’m thankful for life, and all that it gives me. Yes, that’s it. Absolutely.

Yeah.

So… neat. Uh though, I can barely even think, lol. FUCK. God DAMN it. FUCK. This isn’t good, I know, yadda yadda yadda, etc. etc., we all know the story.

I did wish Cady a Happy Thanksgiving. I think she liked that. I don’t think I’ll do the rounds, this year. I mean, there’s just SO MANY people, lol.

Ah… holidays are good, though.

Oh man though. FUCK. It’s ok, whatever. I should be thankful for and concentrate on what it is that I have, and the advantages I’ve been given (!) lol, I know, that’s kinda not really me, lol.

But yeah, oh man, lol. We’ll see how long I can go.

Ah… ouch, lol. Fuck. I don’t want this to just be another “drug day”, like a whole holiday will be just about timing when to get high and then dealing with the aftermath. Fuck, that would really fucking suck. Ah, though. FUCK. I just don’t see any other way that this day could be handled. Ah, gods.

Nah, I will ignore that. I will enjoy this day and all that it brings. Because this holiday only comes once a year and I should take it in while I can. It’s a bright spot, and I should appreciate that. I need those, lol.

Yeah. Thank god for Thanksgiving.

I just wish my skin didn’t feel so WEIRD. Fuck. Well, whatever. We are done thinking about drugs, for now. Defo. Because fuck those accursed things. They ruin your life. They ruin EVERYTHING. And in all honesty, I should hate them. And I do.

I should love the things who are closest to me. The things that mean the most, and have the most sentimental value. The people, my family, my girlfriends. All of that. Because truthfully, that is what actually means the most, by far. So yes, that’s what I will fixate on, today. Yeah. No matter how bizarre my hands feel, lol.

Ah, it’s ok. I love this world, I do, and THAT’S what we will be about, today. So FUCK YOU, DRUGS.

lol. But yeah, I am no slave. So there.

Maybe I will come back later. We’ll see.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!!! Love those around you, give them hugs, tell them “thank you” just for being alive, and be grateful for the fact that you are alive, too, and that you have been given the chance to be here on this day, to embrace it and be a part of it. No matter your circumstance, you have been given a gift, today, when you woke up. Appreciate it; and embrace it, as best you can. Live your best life today, and let others live theirs. After all we are all in this together.

Every day is a present; and I suppose that this is the day to recognize that and appreciate it. And to recognize as well the gift that is other people. Because we are all made better by our interactions with others, and by the fact that they exist, too.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy your day and don’t eat too much… nah, fuck it, just go for it.

I know I will. ; )

Woah… ok… I don’t think I have ever seen Selena so angry.

Ok, so… I was getting high and dozing off when Selena called me and started yelling at me, she even threw the “What have you done with the man I love?!?!?!” line at me, in full sincerity, and holy shit, was that scary.

Like, seriously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her. She was so… angry, and dissapointed, and frightened, that it really shook me. I think the drug abuse is really getting to her, and she isn’t happy at all with some of this, and I mean I understand it, but WOW was she angry. Kinda… REALLY angry, like I don’t think I’ve ever seen from her.

I remember her talking in a recent interview where she said that she was working on some darker, sadder music (which took place shortly after I revealed my addiction problems publicly) but even with that knowledge in hand, I was taken aback.

So… what now? She practically screamed at me. Well, not “practically”, she actually was yelling. Told me to get help, said I was going to die, and that that was not what she wanted from the relationship, at all, and she REALLY meant it, clearly. Yikes.

She seemed severely upset and angry with what she saw as her boyfriend’s attempts to kill himself in front of the entire world. Her words.

I mean I’ve heard the pleas to get help from some of my girlfriends, but I think never quite as angrily or forcefully as the full on assault Selena just gave me, lol.

This is possibly cultural. Selena is Hispanic, and I think that maybe that culture doesn’t respond to suicidal ideation like Anglo culture might. Maybe they just don’t have time for that stuff. Because jeez, I couldn’t believe the harshness of what I was hearing.

Actually yeah, it might in fact be cultural. Hmmn. I think Anglos tend to take a more sympathetic stance towards self-harm than Hispanics do, in general.

So…

Interesting, lol. But yeah, I’m going to fix it, Selena. Don’t worry, I’ll be OK, I absolutely promise. So don’t you worry.

Right!

I… slipped back into it, didn’t I?

Fuck.

I mean, I was doing so GOOD. Fuck.

Yeah, I fucked up. I seriously have majorly fucked up, here. Ah, god DAMN it. Well… I… I just… everything is moving in slow motion, again. My nerves are fucking DEAD, everything is… fucked up, inside. Yeah… I mean, I can’t breathe, again.

Ah… FUCK.

Addiction to hard drugs really is just so, so awful. Like, there’s no glamour, here. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s fucking scary. And it’s so embarrassing. You just can’t. get. OFF the damn things! It’s just impossible! Ahh… well… whatever.

… Fuck. Sorry, Cady. Sorry, Tom. Sorry, everyone.

Fuck.

Have an MRI scheduled later today, so I’ll take some morphine beforehand. You know, just to calm me down. Should be OK; should be not a problem. I mean, the only real issue I could see on the horizon would be Thanksgiving issues, I mean, I took a lot of fentanyl yesterday, and with morphine today, that would be like… maybe a lot, you know? Maybe a bit much. Maybe way too much, maybe. I mean, for a fun holiday.

Um… I’m going to take it, tho. I mean, who wants withdrawals during a holiday, really? I mean, not me, lol.

No, definitely not. So it’s settled, then.

Again it’s such a good thing that I manage all of this so well. Yeah. I mean, addiction sucks, but since I’m so good at it, it’s like… not a problem, then. Right. Yeah, that works.

I do defo feel kinda… loopy, tho, today. Like my head isn’t right. I mean, I talked with Peyton for like an hour about this, lol. I seriously wasn’t there, like at all, this morning. Kept going to and fro between this world and… wherever, I guess.

Um… I need to leave. Having some trouble breathing, again. Oof. Ah, yuck.

Yeah but for real, at least I’m not going through withdrawals again, tho, lol. I mean now THOSE are awful, haha. Yeah… totally. Those really… suck. Yeah…

Yeah…

Fuck.