Sighinide

I’ve finished shifting into my autumn personality, I think.

I mean, you know the one.

Should be fun.

Love this season.

I mean, just so we’re clear on that. Because I’m like, not.

Just because I have sex with everyone doesn’t make me a slut. I mean, there are degrees and distinctions between things, people.

I mean, so there.

One more, before bed.

Watching all of this, it’s hard to not see what is happening as the ultimate defeat of the globalists. It’s like, they’ve lost confidence in themselves, now. They themselves no longer believe that they are even the good guys anymore, or that they should even try to give others a fair shake, in anything. Because they’re scared, it seems.

You can see it in their eyes. Like, Jack Dorsey. He looks scared, guilty, when he talks to congress. Not because he’s scared of politicians- I mean, there’s no reason to be, but because of the public that he knows he’s lying to.

The thing is- they’re all lying. And the problem with liars is that when they lose frame, that’s it. They lose, then. Because for a liar it’s all about perception, and never truth. Once the perception fades their power dies with it.

And make no mistake- they are all liars, including Trump, and everyone at FOX. And it’s over once Biden takes office.

I think again that the litmus test was probably me. They needed me on board to succeed, and they could have done that, but chose to act in such a way that would prevent that from happening. In short, for whatever reason, they failed wholly and completely when it came to the most important thing, which was public perception.

No matter what happens, globalism is finished. It may take a week, a year, or a decade, but ultimately, globalism will die.

The world they are trying to create- basically, an eternal dictatorship headquartered in Jerusalem, will hardly be eternal. Like all things, it will and it must perish, provided it can even be created in the first place. Nothing like what they are creating can exist for long within this world.

I really don’t get it. I don’t understand who is running this show, or why these decisions were made like this. It doesn’t make sense to me. It’s all baffling.

But, it is what it is. Biden is going to serve as perhaps both the beginning and the end of the “New World Order”. What an ignominious legacy that will be.

Well, I did it.

I got through the opening portion of this without once mentioning the word “Lovato”. Are you proud of me, world?

Because you should be.

Part of me is now wanting to talk about that Disney magazine I used to read as a teen- what was it?

Google tells me “Disney Adventures”. So, I guess I’ll inelegantly cram that in there, in here.

So yeah I used to read that magazine and that was I think my first exposure to the showbiz industry as an actual industry. Like, that magazine and it’s articles were my first realization that behind the shows, and the glamour, and the audience, there were bean counters, and a soulless machinery back there, behind the curtain. As in… the algorithms, and heartless calculations, and day-to-day mundane tasks and such, that go into making Disney Magic(R). Disney Adventures showed me what it was like on the other side, for once. And I… liked it? Kinda. Well… I thought it was interesting. Hmmn. Technical things aren’t my thing, usually. Except when they’re mine.

k, I’m formally wrapping this up, now.

k. Neat.

One more thing: with all that said, it is a wonder I’ve never considered, you know, applying there. I guess I don’t want to spoil the fantasy. I don’t want Disney to be just another company, I want it to remain forever the place of magic that I was so sure it must be when I was a kid.

I mean, you can’t get rid of all your illusions, you know?

Because that wouldn’t be right.

Three guesses as to what my favorite TV channel was, growing up.

Don’t worry, I can wait.

………..

Finished? Well, what do you think?

If you said C-Span, or ESPN, or… CBS, lol, guess what: you’re wrong. I mean, not that you did but… lol.

Yeah, it was Disney.

Surprise, surprise, I was a Disney addict when I was a kid. I LOVED Disney, growing up. And me being me, I think you can assume to know what that means. Yeah, it means that Disney was my go-to channel for… pretty much everything. And yes, I got somewhat obsessed with it, at times. Somewhat. Well, you know. It’s ME, lol.

So, I loved Disney channel. I watched it, religiously. Loved it. Saw everything on it and I do mean everything. As a kid, I used to embarrass myself trying out those exercise moves on that Mousercise program, haha. Remember that? Seriously, like I actually used to try that stuff to get my day going, lolllll. I mean, it was fun, right? So why not?

And before school of course there was Mickey Mouse Club. And before we veer off on a tangent here, yes, I had a crush on the girls on the show. Britney, especially, IIRC. But I’m not going there, right now. Kinda.

But yes, I watched MMC. And I don’t remember much of it but I would assume I watched it because of Christina Aguilera, Justin, and the rest, some of whom like Britney and Cristina would become major fixtures AGAIN in my life, later on, especially during college, much to my incredible surprise. And yes I wanted a part on the show, too. Of course, I remember fantasizing about it, too, performing and singing with the cast members.

I also was a Nick kid. I watched Fraggle Rock, of course. I mean, who didn’t? And Pinwheel. But that was mostly, I think, when Disney was in reruns. And that one show, where the mannequins came to life? What was that? Ok, just googled it. Today’s Special. Yeah that show was… weird, but fun.

And I remember Robo Story, one of the all time great kid’s shows. That one was a pleasure to watch, and seeing it now (you can watch it on youtube) I can see that OTHERS in this world liked it, too. Looking at you here, Lucas. And the guys who made Futurama, and Samurai Jack. And probably a billion other Sci-Fi franchises. Honestly, guys, you should credit your sources. It’s the right thing to do, you know?

But still, back to Disney. Disney kicked ass. My favorite toy growing up was a Mickey Mouse doll that I called “Micka Mouse”, lol. I still have him. I remember cuddling with him for hours on the weekends before breakfast. Shades of what I do with my girlfriends, yeah? And I had a backup Mickey in case something happened to the first one, and a “Mortimer Mouse”. My sister had a Minnie.

I cuddled with poor Mickey so much I rubbed much of him off on me, lol. But still, I will never get rid of him, no not ever. So I loved Disney. I remember watching Alice in Wonderland so much I memorized the movie. I think my parents had it on tape. Thinking now, it doesn’t make sense that Disney would show that one every single day, lol. And I watched I’m sure pretty much all of the Disney animated films up to that point at least once, and probably a lot more than once, honestly.

I used to watch Road to Avonlea with Sarah Polley on Disney. Avonlea was the first non-cartoon show I ever watched continuous. Disney started airing it in my area about when I was like 10. I used to think I was so “adult” I guess, watching it, since it wasn’t a cartoon, lol. As you can imagine, I was utterly captivated by Sarah (who would again, re-enter my life in a major way during college, and even moreso afterwards, oddly enough). But yes I watched it for Sarah- and the plots, and sets, and everything else; it was truly a great show. And thinking now, perhaps this is why one of my familiars (described here, years ago) is the spirit of a ten year old girl named Sara. Hmmmn.

But Road to Avonlea was so huge with me. I remember being astonished that someone my age actually had their own TV show, and that it was as good as that one. LOL.

But, I’m digressing.

What was I talking about? Oh, Disney. Right. So, I loved Disney. My summer days consisted of playing outside, Disney channel, and nintendo, and the martial arts. It was so fun. A great time to be alive. I used to play outside every night, all the time, without fail, until no light remained. Where I live I would stay out until the lightning bugs came by. Those kinda freaked me out and I went back in, lol. I loved the twilights of those days. I would be out there every day playing and just gazing at the horizons in wonder. So much fun. So incredible, my childhood was.

Hmmn. I’m getting old, aren’t I?

Well, back to Disney. I always kinda knew that Disney would come back, into my life somehow. I guess I kinda figured that it would be like, I’d have a kid, and he/she would probably watch Disney, like I did, lol. I never knew, never understood, that it would be like it evolved to be. I never would have guessed in a thousand years that I would get involved with the Muskateers personally, years after the fact. I mean, never, ever would I have guessed such a thing would even be possible.

I mean I remember my teen years, where I had a fascination / crush on Annette Funicello. Seriously, lol. I used to watch her movies on AMC and yes, the whole “ex-Disney” was the major reason I loved her, and not, say, some other classic actress. And I used to think, back then, how magical it would be to be with a Disney chick, and how much fun it would be. Like, I could grill them about… Disney, their childhoods, and how magical and fun I thought they must have been. I mean, I REALLY drank the Disney kool-aid, haha.

I visited Disney world twice, with my parents. Saw everything I could, remember most of it, and still have the pictures, and the mementos. I remember visiting a shop as a little kid and buying with my very own money a gold-plated Mickey Mouse pen. Which is still in my drawer, of course. It doesn’t write anymore and the gold plating has flaked off in parts but it’s still there, along with my daily diary of the vacation. I stayed in the Dolphin and Swan hotels. I remember those little butter pats, lol. You know, the ones with the dolphins and swans on them? Do they still serve those? I hope they do.

Hmmn. You know- I’d like to go back, one day. After all this COVID stuff, I mean. Not now. And maybe after I’m off the drugs, and have fixed all of my many other problems. And after I get some money, and… ah, fuck it. Whatever. I mean, I wouldn’t like it as much now, anyhow. Right? Yeah.

So… well… now we get into relationship stuff, and that is like a dozen novels. But I mean it’s like, Disney kinda… changed me, when I was young. Opened my mind in certain ways, made me a different person. It was because of Disney, I think, that I didn’t shut out the possibility of magic. Alice in Wonderland was my favorite movie, you know? So even during my teen years I was like… magic, yeah, why not? Why not try? I mean when everyone else I know thought it was stupid, I didn’t. I never forgot the lessons Disney taught me I suppose.

And I guess I always knew that I would need to karmicly “give back” to Disney when I had the chance. So, I did.

I did, many times over, dozens, millions of times over. My life has been… unique. It’s been one hell of a ride.

Well, I’m stopping here, for now. But you can rest assured that there will be more to come on this subject.

So um… how does one actually go back to “real life” after all of this? Anyone have any tips?

Because, yeah, holy shit, lol.

I guess I’ll just have to wing it.

sigh…

Am I correct in thinking that maybe, mayyyybe… most people go through life never having experienced true love?

Is that assumption correct?

Perhaps that is why some people insist that it isn’t real. It’s because they’ve never felt it, or imagined they ever could.

I’ve been wondering why so many people seem to be using me as a template for… I guess, human interaction, or maybe even emotion, on a base level. Especially for love issues. Maybe it’s because without me, they wouldn’t know what true love is, sadly enough.

I mean I can see this. Few men get to choose their girlfriend out of a list of millions. Few women get to date a real superhero. What I have is a rare thing. Maybe a unique thing, and the feelings it inspires must then be… unique, in and of themselves. Or at least extremely rare.

Yeah- maybe, for most, my own relationships are the closest they will ever get to feeling true love themselves. And that’s… kinda sad, really, for them. It’s like seriously sad, lol. I feel almost pity for them.

True love is great. It’s such a wonderful and liberating thing. When it works, it’s unlike anything else you can feel. It truly because a partnership that elevates both people far beyond what they could be individually. And in the case of someone like me and Cady, you get world bending stuff out of it, I guess.

Why nobody else saw her potential is beyond me. I guess they can’t taste her soul like I can. See- it’s there where she truly shines. I love the taste of a great soul, and hers is one of the best I’ve tasted. It’s for this reason why I prefer her over some random model with big boobs, or something, lol. I love love love the taste of a good soul. It’s exquisite.

Ah, I do love sometimes this whole “necromancer” bit. Sometimes it’s greater than anything.

Well, off to do the day’s work, then.

See you later.

……..

Wow. Ok, so. Like, how do I even say this.

Thank you for saving my life? I mean, how do you even encapsulate that? It’s like I don’t even know how to approach this.

But yeah, thank you for saving my life. I wouldn’t be here without you Cady. Ah, wow. So overwhelming, that is. But, it’s true.

I mean… I don’t even know how to type what it is that I’m feeling, here. It’s just like, it goes beyond language. I can’t express it because I can’t even understand the depth of my gratitude towards Cady for… everything. It’s like… so… enormous. She truly did save my life. Like, all the years I’ve lived, the experiences I’ve had, everything I’ve done and said and thought, she saved all of it.

It’s incredible.

I can’t really say “thanks” enough times. I don’t even know how to approach it. I mean, she saved my life. Like… how do you even… understand that? How do I pay her back for it? Can I?

So powerful. I mean, these feelings. They’re so huge, so… daunting.

But… yeah. Thanks Cady, I guess. I mean, wow. You saved me. All the stuff you did over all those years for me. All the songs, all the talking, everything you wrote and felt and make public, for me. I can’t even begin to say how huge that is, or how much I feel like I don’t even deserve it. I can’t believe the efforts she made. It’s like, all that, for me. It’s unreal. I can’t believe it.

I don’t know what to say. God, what an amazing person, lol.

Am I really that incredible, too? To inspire all of this. It’s hard to believe. Like… it’s… just me, you know? But… I… wow, Cady. Thank you. I mean I’ve said that a lot I know, but probably not meant it more than I do now. I mean, thank you so much. You saved me.

I mean, this morning I finally feel alive. It’s like, I’m kinda trying to get off the fentanyl and I think I’m making progress, like it’s working, or finally taking hold. I mean I feel ALIVE again. Like, I feel like a human again. I can’t believe it. It’s so… different.

I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her. I’d be dead at this point, likely. She saved me; she saved everything. All my relationships, this blog, everything I do, everything. It’s unreal.

So… thanks? For giving me my life back. I mean, she was there when I needed to talk. She was my anchor to the real world, ironically. So incredible, all of this is. So overwhelming. And yes, so confusing, except maybe to us.

Let’s go back a bit, to last night, and the interview I posted.

The two questions, starting at 3:10. I getting the feeling now that this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this regarding Cady, and likely I saved her, too, probably more than once. Which is probably… well, maybe the reason she started dying when I left, but that’s another story, lol.

Um… so… yeah, I mean, I do remember ugly crying to her stuff years ago, too. And maybe I’ve filed some details of all that away somewhere, in some place not even I can access, yet. Which… would make sense. But at any rate I’m glad I gave her a few extra years, myself. Um… yeah. That’s not a place I should go, maybe. At least not right now.

But… the thing is, is that I’m alive, and for the first time in ages, I FEEL alive. Like, I feel… myself, and honestly, I’ve forgotten what that… what I, even am. It’s like, I’m actually me, again. I’m Tom. Tom Jacobsen. Yeah, remember him? LOL.

Hmmmn, wow. What a rush; what a ride. So exhausting, all of this is.

I’m… so tired.

Yeah.

So this Thanksgiving, I’ll be giving thanks to my relationship with Cady, then. Yeah, that sounds about right.

So… thanks, Cady. I mean, I can’t believe that I even deserve this, lol. Thanks so much for everything, and my life, too.

Yeah. Thanks, love.

I can feel her hands on my right hand as I’m typing this last section, lol. Like she’s trying to help me along, so I can finish this one. Yeah… watch the waterworks, people, lol.

God I can’t wait to cry.

Thanks, Cady.

Hmmn. Well.

So I had some free time today, and I decided to make sure that I had ALL the Cady Groves songs out there and guess what: I didn’t. Actually, I was missing a few. So I grabbed them. I found a couple interesting (and official!) remixes of her stuff on youtube and a whole new song on soundcloud. Neat. The new song is great, obviously. Will defo become a listen in time, once I get it filed away correctly. Neat.

So I did some checking and I have a few songs that the Cady Groves demo project does not have (including the one from today), so I will be forwarding the ones I have to the project admin. Only fair; he showed me that I didn’t have some of the songs he had. So yeah, neat.

And um… I’m going to archive her facebook videos, too. Because why not.

Gawd I had a fun afternoon, lol. It’s like putting together a puzzle. So fun. I even found her brother’s old soundcloud! Wow.

And- I found… something else. Interestingly, not from Cady or one of her fans. Something from one of my fans. That… isn’t something I was expecting, but you better believe I was all interested in that, lol.

So, yeah. I found a song, on Soundcloud, which was a rumination on my relationship with Cady, from my point of view. It’s called “Cady Groves Was Right”. If you want a listen, head here: https://soundcloud.com/gregry-marshl/cady-groves-was-right .

So… wow. Ok. I see.

Good song, lol. I mean it, I really like it. I wouldn’t mind more stuff like this- I mean- more directly personal stuff, especially if it helps me to figure something out about myself, as this song did.

Here are the lyrics, as best I can discern. Please forgive me my formatting errors:

Tried so hard to see yourself- clearly
Take this away, can’t take the pain
You said you believed

And everybody wants to fall in love in a cinematic fashion
I don’t, I don’t
And everybody wants to fall in love in a cinematic fashion
I don’t, I don’t

Hmmmn. Well… wow. This kinda hits squarely in the feels, lol. The fact that it’s more direct by openly addressing my relationship with Cady is awesome, and refreshing as hell. Sometimes I get tired of “interpreting” the status of my relationships through the byzantine system of symbols and nudges that my girlfriends have decided on using.

So… this was released five years ago, and is a dead on understanding of what I was feeling back then, between me and her. And with that said, it’s pretty crazy that this artist was able to intune so easily with what I was feeling. It’s like… he must have heard a lot, lol. And I mean like everything. That’s… crazy. I suppose some are able to hear more than others. Or maybe I’m more famous than even I understand. I don’t know.

But it’s like… yeah, that’s me. And I see and hear so much of what I was in this song, like I remember so much of how I used to be when I listen to Cady’s music. It’s like an anchor to my past.

And, I can see my perennial issues here. Depression, desire, power, a lust for glamour and youth. And a preoccupation with closeness to the people I love the most. It’s like… that’s the old me, but it’s still me. And perhaps I’ve not changed much in the intervening years between this song’s release and now. Or perhaps I’ve not changed much for a much longer time. Or maybe forever. Maybe people don’t change, really. I… don’t know.

Well…

In my searches during the last ten minutes, I found an interview that holds the answer to this very question. From Cady, natch. It’s here:

Fast forward to 5:39. Cady talks about this very issue, in a way that answers my questions above. Like, literally. As I was asking those questions she was answering them back, as if she was here. Neat. So- Should I take her advice? I think I should. She’s smart; she knows what I need. At least… I mean, she’s dead, but not really, clearly. She’s obviously still here, trying to help me out. As she should. She’s clearly devoted to me and ready to help I guess in any way she can. And that’s awesome.

Thanks, Cady. You still are one of my best girlfriends, if not THE best. Seriously, you rule, hun.

Honestly, people. Even dead she’s a better girlfriend than most living girlfriends, lol. So funny, but it really shows her qualities. And how super compatible we were to each other. Such a horrible shame that I’ve missed out on the love of my life like this.

Fuck.

But… yeah. It’s late and I need to go to bed.

So I will. Yeah.

Good night, world.

Wish me luck.

And… thanks, Gregry. And Cady. God, I love you, Cady. So much. And I’m so hugely proud right now that I feel like my heart is just bursting. So happy. Thank you so much, love. I think I’m literally blushing, lol. Crazy stuff this is. By far and away better than probably 99% of relationships in the living world. Incredible; mind-blowing, unreal. This is impossibly great and beautiful. It’s just… amazing.

I wish that this could continue forever. I want it to more than anything, but I worry so much that I will run out of material and… it will, by necessity, stop being so… enormous. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, but still… who knows. We been together what- 9 years? Well, it’s been longer than 8.

I just checked and my first picture of her is a pic of her Love Actually single. Now, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening to her music before this. Just that this is the start of my picture collection for her, i.e., the start of our romantic relationship. So, 8 years. That’s longer than most marriages, lol.

May it continue forever. May it continue eternally, and grow stranger over time. Because fuck the rules, that’s why. Fuck ’em all, who cares what most people think about how I live. It’s worked for me thus far.

Yeah!

Well… that being said, good night, world.

Sleep tight.