Sighinide

I suppose I need to. Ugh, alright, let’s get this over with. MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIMES or whatever.

Ugh.

Fine.

Ok, fuck all of these people. Nothing has changed, all of them suck. Never before have I seen politicians so alien and bizarre. It truly is as though these guys live on some distant planet. Which, I suppose they do. They live on Planet Zionist(tm).

They suck, all of them. No American politicians are good. All of them lack principals, courage, ideas. In fact it does look as though that is why they are chosen. Like they’re there because they are easily blackmailable pawns.

They look frightened. Really scared. And it seems like most of their ideas revolve around trying to make themselves feel safer and more secure. And that basically seems to be it with them, like they care about nothing else. They’re SCARED, god damn it, and to them, that’s all that matters.

Chief amongst their concerns seems to be the growing horror (in their minds) that cries of RACISM!!!! RACISM!!!! HE’S RACIST!!!!! don’t work anymore. This, above all else, seems to scare the shit out of them.

I remember wayyyy back when, back in the 90’s when cries of RACISM!!!!! RACISM!!! HE’S A RACIST!!!!! were a foolproof method of silencing a person. Like, it was the ultimate Pavlovian response. People were programmed back then, apparently quite successfully, to equate RACISM!!! RACISM!!!!!!! with stay away from this guy/that group. It was the ultimate trump card, like the perfect way of silencing speech of any kind. Perhaps the best mind-control technique ever invented, at least until I came along.

So, it seems that most of the fear amongst the political class has to do with the fact that RACISM!!! RACISM!!!! HE’S A RACIST!!!!! no longer seems to work when it comes to silencing dissent, or conversation. There is a sizable number of young Americans, and I mean like a huge chunk of them, like 25%, to which cries of RACISM!!!! RACISM!!!! don’t work- perhaps because I got to them, first.

And this seems to be… terrifying. And confusing. It’s like they thought that RACISM!!! RACISM!!!! RACISM!!!!!!! would always work as some kind of control mechanism, as though there would be no competition, ever. As though we’ve reached “The End of History”, for real, as Fukuyama put it. That we haven’t seems to be causing panic. Fear. Desperation.

See- the thing is, they got lazy, and started to believe that they, as a whole, didn’t need to do anything. As though they didn’t need to actually work on real problems, with an intent on fixing them. Like- black crime, or the infrastructure, or a shitload of other things. It’s like they thought that they could just sit on their asses indefinitely, collecting taxes and enjoying luxury, with RACISM!! RACISM!!!! working to stifle any criticism they didn’t like, forever, with their progeny destined to enjoy largess and ease until the sun crashed into the Earth, some 5 billion years from now.

That this doesn’t seem to be happening as they envisioned is apparently terrifying to them. And that this world of theirs seems to be unraveling as quickly as it is seems to be is causing them to panic. And in their fear, they are going crazy, knocking things over and scaring the bejeesus out of everyone looking at them, with some of them (like me) turning their noses up in disgust, and the rest prostrating themselves before their (former?) rulers out of fear that they themselves might get stepped on, even if only accidentally.

It’s a shitshow, a circus of nonsense. And it’s only going to get worse. Egads, what horrid junk, all of this.

Take it away, all of it.

Yup. Alright people, now’s the time.

Yup.

And yes, this is apparently Part III. I looked thru my archives and found 2 other posts named “Demi Lovato”. So, part three it is, just so I can avoid confusion, lol.

Ohhhhhkay, yeah.

So… YEESH. Where the fuck have *I* been? You know, I was going to write about some stuff about how the past history of Demi and me, when it comes to narcotics and eating disorders and our sexual history and other stuff, when I googled and apparently she overdosed on… fentanyl? Or heroin laced with it, a couple of years ago. Note how I said “past” history. I’ve been avoiding her for awhile now, for of course a myriad of reasons, one of which of course is the sneaking suspicion that we… wouldn’t be good for each other, in some ways, because we might… reinforce each other’s bad behavior. Apparently not a bad thought.

So… wow. Ok, then. Apparently her heroin usage is common knowledge, now. IDK who supplies her these days. Didn’t it used to be Hanna Beth? I seem to recall that Hanna was her old dealer, back in like… 2008-2010, ish.

Um, I don’t know. But… yeah. This will be apparently a heavier post than what I thought it was going to be. I mean, if I in fact go through with it.

Well… so… just going through her directory, I see a ton of old Selena pictures in the beginning of it. I mean like tons, lol. So many, so many. Pictures of them together, walking, talking, hugging, singing. Seems like a different world, almost.

Selena I… love, truly, madly, (sigh), deeply. Love isn’t a strong enough word. I can’t even begin to summarize our relationship here, and how monumental it was to us, and, I guess, to the world at large. I can’t even. Perhaps I can do it piecemeal, over time. But, yeah. Remember that love letter I wrote to her on twitter, back in like 2009? Yeah. Start there, that is when we really got going, big time, at least publicly. Personally, it was years before that, of course. But, I’m getting off topic, here.

Uh… so, Demi. Demi was my favorite for a very, very long time. Back before I got those… tingles, those inklings, that perhaps tragedy would be in store for us if we stayed together. Which was a long time ago. See the archives here for a bit of what I was thinking in past years about this.

So… Demi and Selena aren’t friends anymore, unfortunately. At least not like they used to be. I guess because perhaps Selena needed for her own mental health to stay away from someone with problems like that, which is a thought that frankly, kinda worries me about me, lol. Well, I don’t know. People drift away from each other, over time. It happens. Someone’s career goes one way, someone else’s goes another. It’s life.

Uh… and wasn’t Taylor Selena’s best friend at one point? And Demi’s as well, before that. Um, well then.

The love… triangle? No, quadrilateral, that shaped the world, lol. Crazy stuff. What would the world look like today, had I not met Selena all those years ago? Who knows, but I suspect it would be a very different place. Would anything look the same? Music, celebrity, social media, Hollywood, politics? Any of it? It was Selena that got me seriously into twitter; note the love letter I referenced above. And we all know the enormous, society wide changes THAT brought about, lol. In a sense, people are still living under the shadow of that fateful moment, all those years ago. It defines us- our culture, our nation. Our destiny as people, perhaps. Wow. Yikes. Crazy.

Of course, it wasn’t just Selena, it was Demi, and her music, and Taylor, with hers, and me, with my powers, and so much else, it was one of those watershed moments in history that changes everything, kind of like Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo, or the invention of the printing press, or the dropping of the atomic bombs over Japan. One of those unique moments that takes everyone’s breath away and they say to themselves… that’s it, things will never be the same again, after this. There’s no way to go back, this is just how it is, now.

Absolutely bonkers. And all because I wanted a girlfriend and Demi seemed like a cute (and available) chick, lol. So, so crazy.

Um… I can’t even summarize this avenue of thought, where it is taking me. It would require encyclopedias of text to parse though all of this. And then, to explain it’s meaning and context within the development of humankind as a whole, it would need a lifetime’s treatment and reflection. It would need the mind of someone like Edward Gibbon or Jacques Barzun to steward the study, too. I mean I guess I would fit the bill but I kind of have other things to do, lol.

Yeah, the thing is, the world does not make sense anymore, unless you know the history of me and Demi, and Selena and Taylor. It doesn’t, it’s impossible to figure out anything anymore without this piece. And this may in fact be why people seem to be going bonkers in general these days. Because they don’t know this, and thus don’t know what the fuck is even going on, lol.

Ah… but as I said, the effort needed to summarize all of this and explain it to others would be Herculean. Almost beyond human in and of itself. Impossible for like 99.99% of the population.

Ah… hmmnn… I don’t know. So much easier to talk about drugs, I guess.

So, Demi… yeah, the drugs. It probably really was best for us to separate. We would have blown up, together, and it would have been awful to watch. Her problems are a mirror of my own, and we would have reinforced each other.

So, I remember years ago, after I talked to her about doing harder drugs. She responded by wearing that t-shirt, that one that said “THE ONLY COKE I DO IS DIET”. Remember that? I guess her way of trying to keep me away from the stuff, similar to Kathryn’s movie (I know, not technically her movie but please go with this, this makes sense in my little realm). I mean- Julia is in there, too, and if you reference OUR relationship together, you would see and understand my point, here. But I digress.

So… I need to do some thinking, here. I’ll write about this more, later, perhaps.

I kind of want to fuck a chick, now. LOL. How utterly crude. How barbaric, that way of thinking. But, that is what some people like, after all.

Sellllenaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

k, I’ll be back.

Neat, ok, this one wasn’t so bad. I was worried, yah. My heart rate has slowed down but not as much as I feared. I’m not in any danger, here. good, no problem, then.

I do wonder what it would be like to die on this stuff- what it would feel like, how it would be. My guess if that my heart would slow down too much at first, followed by the other organs shutting off because of that, which would cause my heart to go completely. I mean, I think that’s how it would go, based on what I’ve experienced. Like, heart, mostly -> brain -> muscles -> lungs -> other organs -> heart again -> death. Like, the heart slows, so blood can’t get to the brain, so the brain slows, so the muscles stop moving since your nerves control your muscles, which slows your breathing, since that is controlled by muscles, and the lack of breathing stops your other organs, which stops your heart completely, and you die.

Now that I think about it, it would seem as though Narcan is designed to stop this process by jump starting the heart, I guess. So yeah, my progression here makes sense. Uh, I think I’ve only gotten to stage… 4? Or maybe 5, kinda. Like, the whole “not breathing” part, defo. Maybe I’ve gotten to the point where my other stuff has kinda shut down, maybe I have and not felt it.

ugh, how… creepy. I mean, the whole “documenting this” thing. So… uncomfortable. It’s just so brutally morbid, lol. Really makes me wonder about the state of my girlfriends, and why they would be so attracted to… this.

LOL. Ha! Whatever.

Yeah, I know. It isn’t this, it’s the other stuff. But still, just the thought, lol.

Well, this wasn’t so bad. I’m up and about, nothing’s gone too wrong, the birds are chirping, the sun is smiling. I think I’ll get something to eat.

Ok then, good.

Let’s, ah, take the hit, then.

So… does anyone else get the feeling like I’m living out some kind of set-in-the-modern-world gothic horror movie, or is that just me?

Alright, then.

BOOM. Ahhhhhh finally. Same old, same old yeah but gawd damn.

Uh… I’m not going… to document this. I mean, this little slide into personal horror and disappointment is scary and exhibitionistic enough, lol. And I don’t want to… glamourize this, I guess. Not that I haven’t already, haha. But still, this shit is, I know, creepy, dark, and labyrinthine. It’s Byzantine in it’s ridiculous justifications and preposterous actions. It’s just weird and wrong, I guess.

And it does kinda feel like I’m living out some opium- inspired 1800’s horror masterpiece, here, with, ah, the drugs of course, but also the weird sex, the occult, and maybe a monster or two. Oh, and all the creepy squalor I live in, lol, like I’m some disfigured shut-in, or something, sequestered off in some room upstairs somewhere, in some building owned by a crazy scientist or weirdly senile old statesman, lol.

But ah, I’m starting to lose the ability to think, ah. I don’t know, this might be a bad one, my nerves were already liquid before I took this hit, so this might in fact be too much, yet again, ah, ugh. But as I said I needed it, I was already shaking last night, there was no way I could last until this afternoon, lol.

oof, lol. Yeah, my vision is getting blurry. And again I’m at that point where I’m wondering what the fuck it is that I’m doing. The point of regret, like, it’s like I’ve triggered yet again that same set of feelings, like my body is telling me that… this was wrong, the wrong amount, you fucked up, stupid. Like it knows, somehow.

Fuck, I hate this. I don’t want to die, lol. Well, I have the narcan of course. Hopefully, this will play itself out before breakfast, and I can move about my day. As a plus side I’m not shaking anymore, that’s good.

Oooh yeah, ughk. What a poisoned relaxation, but I finally feel that love again, like my jittery nerves are being wrapped in a warm blanket. I feel… happy, at peace. Loved. So wonderful. Ah, please, please don’t kill me. Please don’t, lol. I’m so fragile in fentanyl’s arms, like I could break at a moment’s notice. So fragile, a little bit off would destroy me. So weak, ughk, this… isn’t right, please help.

oy.

I feel like throwing up, and in fact I might just do so. Why not? It could help with weight loss, not that I need any more of that, haha. Ahhhhhhhahahahaha. ughk. eek.

Yeah that’s enough. I just want to drift away for awhile, get away from it all. I need that. So much, I need it. I hate this world, so much, and I know it hates me.

Ah yeah. You know? If I die, it prolly wouldn’t be that bad, really. Nope. And I hope I die juuust like this. One giant middle finger to… everyone that fucked me over in this life. Certainly, a rejection at least of EVERYONE I knew before I had obvious powers. The authority figures, I mean. Them mostly, not necessarily others.

oh so pretty. How long does this stuff take to kill with casual use? It could take years, right? Fuck. And I know, maybe not ever.

Mmmnnn, time to sleep, yah. Hopefully I don’t wake up, lol.

yeah.

Yeah ok, I saw enough of the movie to get the point of it. Ok, I get it, thank you very much for the warning.

IDK though, I mean there must be a way to make it work, right? There must be. You know, addiction and real life, I mean. The two are not necessarily irreconcilable. I just can’t believe they are, what with the huge amount of people that have been on drugs and not… messed things up, IRL. I mean I’m not one of those people, but there must be a way to make it work, right?

I mean… it’s not like I don’t… understand, but maybe others aren’t- like maybe those in my life IRL are having trouble getting the reality of the situation. I mean I know that some people have kinda sorta cut me out of their lives because of the addiction-ish problems I have, I know about the crying and the… fear, and everything. I know what my family thinks, I know what my doctors think, I know what those I meet on the street think. But the thing is, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT. It’s not, and I know what I think, too. It’s not for nothing that I, ugh, jumped at the chance to get some free Narcan, when the opportunity presented itself to me. I mean… it was free, right? Why not?

Ughk.

I mean… but it isn’t like that, I mean I know what I said after the Cady debacle, but… yeah, I don’t know.

It’s so late, all I do know is that I need to get my ass to bed, and STOP THINKING ABOUT NARCOTICS for once, lol. I mean I need to. After all, I have to get up early to take my first hit, haha.

I got a schedule to keep, you know?

Well… whatever.

Off to bed.

I will admit this is getting tiresome, even to me. Oof.

Um… thank god for my celebrity girls though, wow. What would I be today had I not had them, I wonder? I mean, back when I took my first hit. My mind shudders to think. Jeezus. How strong would the pull of narcotics have on me, then? I mean without that moderating influence.

Fuck, I’d be dead, lol. No question I’d have been dead probably sometime this year, maybe in the spring or so. Yeah, I think we all know that. I think. Well, maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but it’s at least a strong possibility. Ughk.

Yeah, off to bed.

I might still need to get help, maybe. We’ll see.

I think probably not, but we’ll see.

Right.

Oh man, I’m staring at some fentanyl riiiiight now. Looks so… inviting. Lovely. Like I know what it is, but I swear to god how I feel about this stuff is just fucking bizarre. It’s so so weird.

Um, bedtime. I’ll “reward” myself in the morning.

The new pain med is kinda dissapointing, TBH. Maybe I can get a higher dose. I hope so, I’ve built up quite a tolerance. Yup. Quiiiiiite a tolerance. To put it mildly, lol.

Uh, off to bed.

Right.

Uh… no. I need something.

No, wait, no I don’t.

Tell you what- I’ll try going to bed. First time I wake up I pop a pill. Yes, that’s it.

And after breakfast?

I take the fentanyl.

Yes. THAT’S it.

Maybe I’ll talk to Cady before bed. Something tells me I need to.

Gawd my hands are shaking again, lol. oof, this sucks. I mean it’s 2:30 AM and I REALLY need to go to bed. But it’s like I so can’t, like not at all, until I get another hit. I need it SO BADLY.

NO.

Cady, then bed. Yessir.

Right.

So uh, I just had a little chat with Kathy. She demanded to know what the fuck I was doing, and told me in no uncertain terms that she would reconsider being my girlfriend (!!!!!) anymore if I went further down this path, which… I don’t even know what to say about that, we’ve been dating for… 9 years, now, which is longer than most marriages these days.

Kathy, srsly? What the fuck, hun?

But I mean… she did make some good points. Some very good ones, actually. I mean, I did make some promises to her and… well… I should probably keep them, I think. So I uh…

Um…

Well, I’ll check out the movie. Maybe it makes salient points or something, lol.

Whatevs.

So… what do YOU think, dear reader? Am I just being an idiot? Go ahead, tell me. I can take it.

I… um… well… speaking of Kathryn didn’t she act in a movie about some dumb kid who fell into heroin addiction? I mean I think it was heroin. It surely wasn’t fentanyl, absolutely nobody thinks that shit is glamorous enough to make a movie about, lol.

Yeah, and come to think of it, I think Kathy is trying to forcefeed the idea of this movie to me, right now. Like, WATCH THIS MOVIE YOU DUMBFUCK, lol… it’s like, she made this shit for you for a reason, you dumbass. And you need to figure out why- she loves you, stupid. She would be utterly crushed if you died like this, you… dumbass. Don’t do it, for her sake, even.

Uh, I’m talking to myself again, on here.

So tell me… when is a blog too personal? Asking for a friend, lol.

Whatevs. Guess I know what I’ll be doing tonight.

After I get high, I mean. Yeah, sounds like a plan.

Um… so… well, I found the texts.

Yeah. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

I looked on my Dad’s phone, I mean. Yeah, ok. And of course I overhear stuff that people say in this house all the time, of course. Guys, I’m not an addict. Seriously. I mean I joke on here a lot about that but I’m not, I mean, at least not that KIND of addict. I’m not.

I’m kinda sick of hearing what people say about me behind my back. Because I can hear things, you know. In fact I have super-enhanced hearing, lol. Guys… seriously. I’m in no danger of… overdosing. Or dying. I’m not. I’m smart, probably the smartest guy out there. I’m smarter than you guys even understand, really.

I have toyed with those ideas, though. Yeah this is about more drug stuff, so feel free to not read this if you don’t want to. In fact, go right ahead and not read this, please. I mean I wouldn’t be putting this up here if I could express myself some other way, I think.

I’ll need to do that, later. I’m sure I will.

So…

Well…

Yes, I know where I am in the process. At least I think I do- I think I’m on “the precipice”, basically, the line that separates a “healthy” addict and one that has fully given in to their addictions to the point where they… seriously make a break from society in some way to feed their addictions. I mean, I’ve already overdosed about a half dozen times at least, so I’m well past the point of the drugs doing damage. But I’m still within the middle-class bubble I’ve always lived in.

Thus far.

I’m considering a lot these days. Weighing a lot, researching a lot. Following this or that lead, trying out this or that idea.

IDK. I don’t “work”, don’t have a job, and spend all day in my room, reluctant to leave, save to do things that lead to my possibly getting high. And, truly, getting high is my raison d’etre for living, sometimes. But with that being said, I haven’t… truly flipped. I mean, I can substitute hardcore narcotics with magical simulations, I guess, lol. But that wouldn’t be the real thing.

I don’t know, I’ve written on here before about my… desire for heroin. I mean, I know where to get it, of course. Even I’m not that isolated, lol. This area may be “middle class”, meaning, top 10% of the population, income wise, but that isn’t near enough to have a neighborhood without some obvious dealers. Unfortunately, they recently took the life of a kid (heroin overdose) down the street. So, yeah, I know they’re here. They congregate in the park after dark, around midnight or so, and sell their narcotics there to the kids and such in the neighborhood. Don’t worry, they’re white, so they’re safer to deal with. And I have guns of my own, so no danger to me.

But still, yikes.

Scary, at least to me. Creepy shit. I don’t know. Like usual these days, I saw some documentaries about narcotics addiction on youtube this weekend. They’re… all the same, mostly. But I guess I need to be re-introduced to the stuff I need to avoid, so as to not forget.

My drug of choice is fentanyl. I LOVE that stuff, it is beautiful… wait, no, it isn’t, lol. But yeah that one is by far my favorite. And yes I am well aware of how dicey it can be to get that stuff on the street, and how dangerous it can be. It’s like, each dose of that stuff on the streets is it’s own game of russian roulette. Even a small amount off on the dosage, and you die. Scary shit. I guess that’s why I’m thinking about heroin, instead. Because it would be… safer? At least, it would be much less unpredictable.

But yikes, though. Ugh. Heroin. I’m still middle class enough to get chills even hearing the word. They really did a number on me during those middle school health classes, lol. But… I don’t know. Once in a while, right? Not terrible. Easily survivable for a young man like me. Right? I mean I have so much experience with narcotics now, having taken them so much in the last few years that I can figure that shit out, no problem. Just a bit to take the edge off. Not an issue.

I don’t know. Fentanyl is… scary stuff, when it turns on you. Reeeeeeeally frightening. Heroin shouldn’t be… that much better, though, I wouldn’t think. Hmmmn, I don’t know.

I mean, I’m a genius, right? So, nothing to worry about. Right? -ish?

I don’t know, it’s still scary. And it probably doesn’t help that I can hear Kathryn Newton telling me right now that I’m being an idiot, lol. But still… I’m a member of Mensa, right? And that was like easy for me. This should be no problem.

Um… is this just a lot of words to justify something incredibly stupid? That’s probably what Kathryn would say. And… would she be right?

I mean, so okay, why am I doing this? Writing this all out, I mean. Am I trying to convince myself not to? Or am I trying to tell myself this so I can outline the dangers now, so as to avoid them when I finally go for it?

I… don’t know. I do know that when I imagined myself 20 years ago at 40 years of age, being a heroin addict was not on the list of possibilities, lol. But then again, being the boyfriend of half the chicks in Hollywood wasn’t, either. And that didn’t turn out so bad. But… then again, you wouldn’t think something like that would. Heroin addiction? Yeah, that kind of tragedy pretty much writes itself.

I… don’t know. I just don’t. See, I REEEEEALLY want to at least try it, now. At least once. Like, I really want to, lol. Uhmmm though, I want to do A LOT of things. Some of which I prolly should, lol.

Uhhmmmm, I don’t know. I would be careful if I was to try. I know it. Very careful. I’m so sure of it. So sure. Um, right.

Well, I REALLY need another hit. I’ll take it, and make it a big one, and plan out tomorrow. Should be fun, I need to try out some Christmas presents I’ll be getting this year.

Neat. So, I think I’ll wrap this post up, then.

So… how famous am I, really? I don’t know.

Let’s take one of my girlfriends as an example. Selena Gomez.

When I met her, I was, obviously, the more famous of the two. I had to actively search the internet to find pictures of her, lol. I mean, she had no fansites, no social media prescense that I remember, and… nothing, really. She was, blunty, two shades away from being a nobody.

I started dating her and *poof* she became famous, and then, more famous- she got fansites, for example, and then- more famous, with real hit songs and everything, and then… and so on, and so on, until she became the most popular person on instagram, at one time.

So… Selena. Is she more famous than me now? Quite possibly, I would think. There are few in our nation’s cities who have not heard of her. Very few.

But… ah… I made her, did I not? I created her fame. Anyone who really knows of her career knows about me, too, I would think. I mean, how could they not?

Hmmn, I don’t know. It’s possible, though. Guys who don’t look behind the curtain, for example. Parents who just know her because their kids do.

Hmmn. But what if… what if… her parents know me as the guy who created the alt-right? Or as the telepath? I don’t know. I could well be more famous than her. It is very possible.

To be honest, I do not think there are many people out here in Gurnee, Illinois that would instantly recognize her if she were just walking down the street, I wouldn’t think. I mean, they wouldn’t expect her to be there, but still. They do know me, clearly. And I would expect they would know me A LOT more in L.A. than they do here. Like, orders of magnitude more.

Huh. Woah.

…

Wow.

I might as well start this one off here, considering where the previous series is going.

So, yeah, here it is. Expect more of this in the future.

So… an autograph would be the way to go here, people. I mean I realize fully well that there is no market for those, lol, at least from me, but seriously, guys. And I suppose that one of those wouldn’t be as impactful on me as… what happened today, but it would be I think the humane, civilized way to handle meeting me, if I mean that much to you.

Of course it would baffle my parents, haha, but still.

I think. I’m verrrrrry famous, I know, much more so than probably half my girlfriends, certainly moreso than at least 90% of them, if counted up through the course of my life, but my fame is… of the underground, subconscious variety. And people accustomed to that way of thinking tend to not be as interested in the trappings of “normal” fame. Like autographs. Case in point: me.

Hmmn. I suppose that as an unusual celebrity I should come to expect unusual fan interactions, even if they come in the form of, say, a medical professional with an “in” when it comes to my daily activities because he reads my blog, or like some other kind of strange blindside.

Soooo… ok, then. We’ll talk about this later.

But remember: autographs, people. At least consider them. Thank you for your consideration.