Sighinide

Ok then, good.

Let’s, ah, take the hit, then.

So… does anyone else get the feeling like I’m living out some kind of set-in-the-modern-world gothic horror movie, or is that just me?

Alright, then.

BOOM. Ahhhhhh finally. Same old, same old yeah but gawd damn.

Uh… I’m not going… to document this. I mean, this little slide into personal horror and disappointment is scary and exhibitionistic enough, lol. And I don’t want to… glamourize this, I guess. Not that I haven’t already, haha. But still, this shit is, I know, creepy, dark, and labyrinthine. It’s Byzantine in it’s ridiculous justifications and preposterous actions. It’s just weird and wrong, I guess.

And it does kinda feel like I’m living out some opium- inspired 1800’s horror masterpiece, here, with, ah, the drugs of course, but also the weird sex, the occult, and maybe a monster or two. Oh, and all the creepy squalor I live in, lol, like I’m some disfigured shut-in, or something, sequestered off in some room upstairs somewhere, in some building owned by a crazy scientist or weirdly senile old statesman, lol.

But ah, I’m starting to lose the ability to think, ah. I don’t know, this might be a bad one, my nerves were already liquid before I took this hit, so this might in fact be too much, yet again, ah, ugh. But as I said I needed it, I was already shaking last night, there was no way I could last until this afternoon, lol.

oof, lol. Yeah, my vision is getting blurry. And again I’m at that point where I’m wondering what the fuck it is that I’m doing. The point of regret, like, it’s like I’ve triggered yet again that same set of feelings, like my body is telling me that… this was wrong, the wrong amount, you fucked up, stupid. Like it knows, somehow.

Fuck, I hate this. I don’t want to die, lol. Well, I have the narcan of course. Hopefully, this will play itself out before breakfast, and I can move about my day. As a plus side I’m not shaking anymore, that’s good.

Oooh yeah, ughk. What a poisoned relaxation, but I finally feel that love again, like my jittery nerves are being wrapped in a warm blanket. I feel… happy, at peace. Loved. So wonderful. Ah, please, please don’t kill me. Please don’t, lol. I’m so fragile in fentanyl’s arms, like I could break at a moment’s notice. So fragile, a little bit off would destroy me. So weak, ughk, this… isn’t right, please help.

oy.

I feel like throwing up, and in fact I might just do so. Why not? It could help with weight loss, not that I need any more of that, haha. Ahhhhhhhahahahaha. ughk. eek.

Yeah that’s enough. I just want to drift away for awhile, get away from it all. I need that. So much, I need it. I hate this world, so much, and I know it hates me.

Ah yeah. You know? If I die, it prolly wouldn’t be that bad, really. Nope. And I hope I die juuust like this. One giant middle finger to… everyone that fucked me over in this life. Certainly, a rejection at least of EVERYONE I knew before I had obvious powers. The authority figures, I mean. Them mostly, not necessarily others.

oh so pretty. How long does this stuff take to kill with casual use? It could take years, right? Fuck. And I know, maybe not ever.

Mmmnnn, time to sleep, yah. Hopefully I don’t wake up, lol.

yeah.

Yeah ok, I saw enough of the movie to get the point of it. Ok, I get it, thank you very much for the warning.

IDK though, I mean there must be a way to make it work, right? There must be. You know, addiction and real life, I mean. The two are not necessarily irreconcilable. I just can’t believe they are, what with the huge amount of people that have been on drugs and not… messed things up, IRL. I mean I’m not one of those people, but there must be a way to make it work, right?

I mean… it’s not like I don’t… understand, but maybe others aren’t- like maybe those in my life IRL are having trouble getting the reality of the situation. I mean I know that some people have kinda sorta cut me out of their lives because of the addiction-ish problems I have, I know about the crying and the… fear, and everything. I know what my family thinks, I know what my doctors think, I know what those I meet on the street think. But the thing is, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT. It’s not, and I know what I think, too. It’s not for nothing that I, ugh, jumped at the chance to get some free Narcan, when the opportunity presented itself to me. I mean… it was free, right? Why not?

Ughk.

I mean… but it isn’t like that, I mean I know what I said after the Cady debacle, but… yeah, I don’t know.

It’s so late, all I do know is that I need to get my ass to bed, and STOP THINKING ABOUT NARCOTICS for once, lol. I mean I need to. After all, I have to get up early to take my first hit, haha.

I got a schedule to keep, you know?

Well… whatever.

Off to bed.

I will admit this is getting tiresome, even to me. Oof.

Um… thank god for my celebrity girls though, wow. What would I be today had I not had them, I wonder? I mean, back when I took my first hit. My mind shudders to think. Jeezus. How strong would the pull of narcotics have on me, then? I mean without that moderating influence.

Fuck, I’d be dead, lol. No question I’d have been dead probably sometime this year, maybe in the spring or so. Yeah, I think we all know that. I think. Well, maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but it’s at least a strong possibility. Ughk.

Yeah, off to bed.

I might still need to get help, maybe. We’ll see.

I think probably not, but we’ll see.

Right.

Oh man, I’m staring at some fentanyl riiiiight now. Looks so… inviting. Lovely. Like I know what it is, but I swear to god how I feel about this stuff is just fucking bizarre. It’s so so weird.

Um, bedtime. I’ll “reward” myself in the morning.

The new pain med is kinda dissapointing, TBH. Maybe I can get a higher dose. I hope so, I’ve built up quite a tolerance. Yup. Quiiiiiite a tolerance. To put it mildly, lol.

Uh, off to bed.

Right.

Uh… no. I need something.

No, wait, no I don’t.

Tell you what- I’ll try going to bed. First time I wake up I pop a pill. Yes, that’s it.

And after breakfast?

I take the fentanyl.

Yes. THAT’S it.

Maybe I’ll talk to Cady before bed. Something tells me I need to.

Gawd my hands are shaking again, lol. oof, this sucks. I mean it’s 2:30 AM and I REALLY need to go to bed. But it’s like I so can’t, like not at all, until I get another hit. I need it SO BADLY.

NO.

Cady, then bed. Yessir.

Right.

So uh, I just had a little chat with Kathy. She demanded to know what the fuck I was doing, and told me in no uncertain terms that she would reconsider being my girlfriend (!!!!!) anymore if I went further down this path, which… I don’t even know what to say about that, we’ve been dating for… 9 years, now, which is longer than most marriages these days.

Kathy, srsly? What the fuck, hun?

But I mean… she did make some good points. Some very good ones, actually. I mean, I did make some promises to her and… well… I should probably keep them, I think. So I uh…

Um…

Well, I’ll check out the movie. Maybe it makes salient points or something, lol.

Whatevs.

So… what do YOU think, dear reader? Am I just being an idiot? Go ahead, tell me. I can take it.

I… um… well… speaking of Kathryn didn’t she act in a movie about some dumb kid who fell into heroin addiction? I mean I think it was heroin. It surely wasn’t fentanyl, absolutely nobody thinks that shit is glamorous enough to make a movie about, lol.

Yeah, and come to think of it, I think Kathy is trying to forcefeed the idea of this movie to me, right now. Like, WATCH THIS MOVIE YOU DUMBFUCK, lol… it’s like, she made this shit for you for a reason, you dumbass. And you need to figure out why- she loves you, stupid. She would be utterly crushed if you died like this, you… dumbass. Don’t do it, for her sake, even.

Uh, I’m talking to myself again, on here.

So tell me… when is a blog too personal? Asking for a friend, lol.

Whatevs. Guess I know what I’ll be doing tonight.

After I get high, I mean. Yeah, sounds like a plan.

Um… so… well, I found the texts.

Yeah. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

I looked on my Dad’s phone, I mean. Yeah, ok. And of course I overhear stuff that people say in this house all the time, of course. Guys, I’m not an addict. Seriously. I mean I joke on here a lot about that but I’m not, I mean, at least not that KIND of addict. I’m not.

I’m kinda sick of hearing what people say about me behind my back. Because I can hear things, you know. In fact I have super-enhanced hearing, lol. Guys… seriously. I’m in no danger of… overdosing. Or dying. I’m not. I’m smart, probably the smartest guy out there. I’m smarter than you guys even understand, really.

I have toyed with those ideas, though. Yeah this is about more drug stuff, so feel free to not read this if you don’t want to. In fact, go right ahead and not read this, please. I mean I wouldn’t be putting this up here if I could express myself some other way, I think.

I’ll need to do that, later. I’m sure I will.

So…

Well…

Yes, I know where I am in the process. At least I think I do- I think I’m on “the precipice”, basically, the line that separates a “healthy” addict and one that has fully given in to their addictions to the point where they… seriously make a break from society in some way to feed their addictions. I mean, I’ve already overdosed about a half dozen times at least, so I’m well past the point of the drugs doing damage. But I’m still within the middle-class bubble I’ve always lived in.

Thus far.

I’m considering a lot these days. Weighing a lot, researching a lot. Following this or that lead, trying out this or that idea.

IDK. I don’t “work”, don’t have a job, and spend all day in my room, reluctant to leave, save to do things that lead to my possibly getting high. And, truly, getting high is my raison d’etre for living, sometimes. But with that being said, I haven’t… truly flipped. I mean, I can substitute hardcore narcotics with magical simulations, I guess, lol. But that wouldn’t be the real thing.

I don’t know, I’ve written on here before about my… desire for heroin. I mean, I know where to get it, of course. Even I’m not that isolated, lol. This area may be “middle class”, meaning, top 10% of the population, income wise, but that isn’t near enough to have a neighborhood without some obvious dealers. Unfortunately, they recently took the life of a kid (heroin overdose) down the street. So, yeah, I know they’re here. They congregate in the park after dark, around midnight or so, and sell their narcotics there to the kids and such in the neighborhood. Don’t worry, they’re white, so they’re safer to deal with. And I have guns of my own, so no danger to me.

But still, yikes.

Scary, at least to me. Creepy shit. I don’t know. Like usual these days, I saw some documentaries about narcotics addiction on youtube this weekend. They’re… all the same, mostly. But I guess I need to be re-introduced to the stuff I need to avoid, so as to not forget.

My drug of choice is fentanyl. I LOVE that stuff, it is beautiful… wait, no, it isn’t, lol. But yeah that one is by far my favorite. And yes I am well aware of how dicey it can be to get that stuff on the street, and how dangerous it can be. It’s like, each dose of that stuff on the streets is it’s own game of russian roulette. Even a small amount off on the dosage, and you die. Scary shit. I guess that’s why I’m thinking about heroin, instead. Because it would be… safer? At least, it would be much less unpredictable.

But yikes, though. Ugh. Heroin. I’m still middle class enough to get chills even hearing the word. They really did a number on me during those middle school health classes, lol. But… I don’t know. Once in a while, right? Not terrible. Easily survivable for a young man like me. Right? I mean I have so much experience with narcotics now, having taken them so much in the last few years that I can figure that shit out, no problem. Just a bit to take the edge off. Not an issue.

I don’t know. Fentanyl is… scary stuff, when it turns on you. Reeeeeeeally frightening. Heroin shouldn’t be… that much better, though, I wouldn’t think. Hmmmn, I don’t know.

I mean, I’m a genius, right? So, nothing to worry about. Right? -ish?

I don’t know, it’s still scary. And it probably doesn’t help that I can hear Kathryn Newton telling me right now that I’m being an idiot, lol. But still… I’m a member of Mensa, right? And that was like easy for me. This should be no problem.

Um… is this just a lot of words to justify something incredibly stupid? That’s probably what Kathryn would say. And… would she be right?

I mean, so okay, why am I doing this? Writing this all out, I mean. Am I trying to convince myself not to? Or am I trying to tell myself this so I can outline the dangers now, so as to avoid them when I finally go for it?

I… don’t know. I do know that when I imagined myself 20 years ago at 40 years of age, being a heroin addict was not on the list of possibilities, lol. But then again, being the boyfriend of half the chicks in Hollywood wasn’t, either. And that didn’t turn out so bad. But… then again, you wouldn’t think something like that would. Heroin addiction? Yeah, that kind of tragedy pretty much writes itself.

I… don’t know. I just don’t. See, I REEEEEALLY want to at least try it, now. At least once. Like, I really want to, lol. Uhmmm though, I want to do A LOT of things. Some of which I prolly should, lol.

Uhhmmmm, I don’t know. I would be careful if I was to try. I know it. Very careful. I’m so sure of it. So sure. Um, right.

Well, I REALLY need another hit. I’ll take it, and make it a big one, and plan out tomorrow. Should be fun, I need to try out some Christmas presents I’ll be getting this year.

Neat. So, I think I’ll wrap this post up, then.

So… how famous am I, really? I don’t know.

Let’s take one of my girlfriends as an example. Selena Gomez.

When I met her, I was, obviously, the more famous of the two. I had to actively search the internet to find pictures of her, lol. I mean, she had no fansites, no social media prescense that I remember, and… nothing, really. She was, blunty, two shades away from being a nobody.

I started dating her and *poof* she became famous, and then, more famous- she got fansites, for example, and then- more famous, with real hit songs and everything, and then… and so on, and so on, until she became the most popular person on instagram, at one time.

So… Selena. Is she more famous than me now? Quite possibly, I would think. There are few in our nation’s cities who have not heard of her. Very few.

But… ah… I made her, did I not? I created her fame. Anyone who really knows of her career knows about me, too, I would think. I mean, how could they not?

Hmmn, I don’t know. It’s possible, though. Guys who don’t look behind the curtain, for example. Parents who just know her because their kids do.

Hmmn. But what if… what if… her parents know me as the guy who created the alt-right? Or as the telepath? I don’t know. I could well be more famous than her. It is very possible.

To be honest, I do not think there are many people out here in Gurnee, Illinois that would instantly recognize her if she were just walking down the street, I wouldn’t think. I mean, they wouldn’t expect her to be there, but still. They do know me, clearly. And I would expect they would know me A LOT more in L.A. than they do here. Like, orders of magnitude more.

Huh. Woah.

…

Wow.

I might as well start this one off here, considering where the previous series is going.

So, yeah, here it is. Expect more of this in the future.

So… an autograph would be the way to go here, people. I mean I realize fully well that there is no market for those, lol, at least from me, but seriously, guys. And I suppose that one of those wouldn’t be as impactful on me as… what happened today, but it would be I think the humane, civilized way to handle meeting me, if I mean that much to you.

Of course it would baffle my parents, haha, but still.

I think. I’m verrrrrry famous, I know, much more so than probably half my girlfriends, certainly moreso than at least 90% of them, if counted up through the course of my life, but my fame is… of the underground, subconscious variety. And people accustomed to that way of thinking tend to not be as interested in the trappings of “normal” fame. Like autographs. Case in point: me.

Hmmn. I suppose that as an unusual celebrity I should come to expect unusual fan interactions, even if they come in the form of, say, a medical professional with an “in” when it comes to my daily activities because he reads my blog, or like some other kind of strange blindside.

Soooo… ok, then. We’ll talk about this later.

But remember: autographs, people. At least consider them. Thank you for your consideration.

And uh, this doesn’t apply to my girlfriends. So if you are one of those, please, carry on as before. This is more about people I meet IRL who just… can’t seem to realize, like, how… difficult it can be, sometimes, to be a celebrity. Like, they just don’t get it, you know?

Because I understand the concern. But I will be O.K. For reals. So don’t worry.

And uh, this blog… thing, isn’t supposed to exist, or something. So, um, you’re not supposed to… talk about it? IRL, I mean. I think.

Yeah. So, um… just… don’t embarrass me in front of my family, ok? Because that isn’t cool.

I’ll fix it, it’s ok, don’t worry.

Whew.

And the thing is I’m NOT, either, so I would reeeeally appreciate not getting PUBLIC DRESSING DOWNS FROM CONCERNED CITIZENS. Like, I GET it, people, yadda yadda you are concerned, yes I know, but seriously, that is NOT a license to embarrass me in front of my family like you were some kind of saint on some kind of mission, or something. I mean, I GET IT, people. I GET IT.

So no more of THAT, ok? Seriously. NO. MORE. Like I know I have a problem and it will be dealt with and you know, it’s great that you are interested in helping me and I understand the impulse, but seriously, people, I can HANDLE IT on my own. Got it?

I mean I know our culture treats celebs like… you know, they were public property or something, but seriously guys, I’m a people too. Get it? And being a people like everyone else, please treat me like YOU would like to treated. Because that’s the right way to do things, right?

RIGHT.

Speaking of One Punch Man… the hero, Saitama. I mean, I know that’s the name of a Japanese city/prefecture but is it also, maybe… me? Saitama. SighToma. Sigh + Tom, plus “a” as a suffix.

As I understand it, the use of “a” as a suffix means “to have the characteristics of”. Like, Metallica – a band that has the characteristics of being metallic, i.e. a heavy metal band.

So… Sighinde and Tom… Sigh-Tom-a?

Is that…?

Nah, just a coincidence, that one. Must be.

Yeah.