Sighinide

Well, I’ve been watching some Christmas movies.

I saw the first two Princess Switch flicks, and will watch the third. I am going to see Laura Marano’s Cinderella Story movie with her, tomorrow. That will be a blast.

Tonight, I saw Let it Snow, the Netflix Christmas chick flick with Isabela Merced, Kiernan Shipka, and Odeya Rush. And, surprisingly, Joan Cusack, who not so surprisingly stole the movie out from under the feet of her younger co-stars. I also saw Ben is Back, the drug addiction drama starring Lucas Hedges, Julia Roberts, and Kathryn Newton. Very interesting, that one was.

I also saw Spirit Riding Free: Spirit of Christmas, a low budget animated Netflix production that was apparently a continuation and ending of a long running series. This particular episode of the series featured Kathryn Newton’s opposite and romantic nemesis: Katherine McNamara, and in a role that was inspired by circa-2011 Taylor Swift, no less.

I’m also going to see the Christmas episode of My So-Called Life, and of course the Peanuts special, again. And maybe a few other things, we’ll see.

Maybe a few episodes of The Simpsons and Futurama. We’ll see.

Oh wait. I also saw Aimee Teegarden’s first Hallmark Christmas movie, and plan to see her second. And I saw Haley Pullos’s A Royal Christmas Ball. So yeah, I’ve been watching a decent number of flicks, lol. And they all tell me something, so regardless of all other concerns, I always learn something about my relationships when I watch them.

Tonight’s choices of Let it Snow and Ben is Back were interesting ones that were made more so since the films were played back to back, without much of a pause in between.

Let it Snow was basic Netflix fare, but fun, and with real heart. Not too Christmassy, which isn’t a bad thing at all, and… I don’t know, it was a fun, lighthearted Netflix chick flick. I mean, you know what you’re getting with that description, lol. It was defo cheesy at times, but here the cheesiness worked IMO.

It was… interesting to see what the filmmakers thought about me and… my relationships, and problems, as well as my strengths and abilities. Yeah, all of that is in there, you just kinda need to work the symbolism and innuendo, you know?

Thanks so much, Kiernan, for the nice things you said about me. Thank you so much. I would write more but my hands are starting to hurt. Maybe I’ll expound later.

But Kiernan, you’re a keeper, defo. People as lovely as you are a rarity. It isn’t just your physical prettiness that makes you beautiful; it’s your soul.

But yeah, my hands are starting to hurt. Ouch, lol.

Uhm… other things… I’m not that desperate for validation and love, am I? I mean I can’t be, but what was said in the movie did make sense… Ahh, some other day with this, lol.

Ben is Back was one hell of a ride. Holy shit, what a tornado that film was.

And I can see what the filmmakers were doing, here. I could see very plainly. Very, very plainly. Yes, I get it.

It’s baffling to me that this movie was released before my problems with fentanyl and morphine addiction. Yes before.

Jesus Christ, you people really know me.

Basically, the film was some kind of nightmare scenario that did double duty as an intense family drama and a very loud, strong warning to yours truly of what I would lose if I fell into drug addiction yet again, this time with harder drugs, like… heroin, or fentnayl, I guess. Or morphine or whatever.

It’s almost like the people that run all of this have some kind of crystal ball that somehow tells them exactly what to say to me to prevent certain disasters. It’s weird and kinda unexplainable.

Well, what is explainable is the obvious message of the film, which was “HEY IDIOT, LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE IF YOU TRAVEL THIS PATH”.

Kathryn Newton’s inclusion in this film was very deliberate, and designed to trigger me, specifically. They even say as much to the word in the film itself.

Here, she’s beyond beautiful. Almost supernaturally gorgeous. And the filmmakers seem to be shouting with her “YOU WILL LOSE THIS IF YOU BECOME AN ADDICT AGAIN.” Everything about her in this movie, and her performance, seems to be shouting this, LOUD and clear, at me in every scene she is in.

The church scene, featuring her beautiful voice? Check. That scene with her triangulating the phones, and crying her eyes out because she’s scared that I’m in serious trouble and she doesn’t know what to do to help? Check. Her playing the piano in that dress? Check. Her not… trusting Ben, like at all, to manage his life correctly with his history of drug problems? Check… of course. And yes, I know stuff like the piano scene may make little sense to you, but these are scenes designed to… trigger me, specifically. To warn me away from what I very almost became.

But I’m not an addict, now. I still use, and sometimes I use in ways I’m not really supposed to, but I’m different, now. I use medicinally, not for recreation. And I use much smaller amounts of narcotics than I used to.

Ben is obviously, very obviously me. But I hardly need to discuss this I’m sure.

But yeah, that film was just… kinda unnerving. Scary. I almost became that, or something kinda like it. Scary. But don’t worry, I’m different, now. Thanks Kathryn, don’t worry hun.

Seriously, thank you so much, Kathryn.

And thanks Katherine, for her wonderful songs in Spirit Riding Free. I love them all, and have them running through my head right now. Thank you so much, love. You know just what I need, when I need it. It’s kinda uncanny.

Well… bed. Must be ready for Laura. Cinderella waits for noone.

Haven’t I done enough? Seriously. What the fuck else do you people want from me?

How’s about you people give me a fucking hand with my medical bills or something? Yeah, seriously! Think about it, you fucks!

I don’t get it. I’ve done everything that was asked of me, and more. I’ve given you people literally everything- generations of popular movies, music, plays, TV shows, comic books, fucking everything. I’ve given you everything that was popular over the past 40 years or so.

Now, how’s about you give something back and help me out a little bit, huh?

You see, I’ve been fighting off a strange and debilitating illness now, on my own, for something like 4 years, with no help from anybody, including my so-called girlfriends. I’ve had to spend down my savings and have been left with nothing because of course the “medical community” can’t do shit to help me since it isn’t “COVID”.

Yeah, since COVID is all that concerns doctors and hospitals these days nobody gives a shit about anything else, including whatever it is that I have. Nice system you’ve set up here, assholes!

So seriously, how about someone lend me a hand, for once? Wouldn’t that be novel and interesting? Wouldn’t that be a good and positive change, for once? Or are you assholes too selfish to even consider it, for some stupid fucking reason?

Or is it that some fuckhead doesn’t allow such things? Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? If this is the case- Hey, you shallow, idiotic piece of shit! Why don’t you just stop with all of these stupid fucking rules and games and act like a decent human being, for once? Seriously, think about it! Why don’t you stop acting like some petty tyrant with a third grade understanding of “rules” and just let people interact like they want to, for once?

Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you acting like shitheads because you’re all just petty and selfish or is some asshole making you act like this? Because it would be great if someone was to tell me, finally!

Good God, people. Don’t you retards understand what a kink in your plans it would be if I was to just croak from this thing, either just because of dumb luck or because I just ran out of money, finally? And do you guys understand how fucking idiotic as shit it would be if I died because I went broke? I mean, considering the trillions of dollars I’ve made others in the past 40 years or so?

You guys really are shallow, and dumb. You all act like grade A assholes, all of you. I give you everything, and I get nothing, even when my life is on the line. Even when me dying would adversely affect your own plans. Because you are all stupid, shallow, short-sighted and selfish. Or too stubborn with respect to some old, outdated rules system that obviously needs to be thrown away, already.

You know, I’m getting the Vaxx sometime after Christmas. I hope it kills me, or renders me impotent, like it does to guys on occasion. You know why? Because I want to piss off all of you fucks. That’s why. And frankly, that’s a good fucking reason.

Seriously, guys. What else is it that you want me to do? This is utterly stupid. It’s so damn frustrating. It makes me so angry, and makes me feel like nothing I do is worth anything. I give and give and give- after all I’m The Giver, right? But when I need help, nothing. Not one hand is outstretched. Not one person shows up to say an encouraging word. Nobody cares. My life is unimportant. It’s what people can take from me that’s important. The rest is nothing; an inconvenience at best. The real me, Tom Jacobsen, is nothing, means nothing to you.

You people are all such awful, awful people. Such dreadful, awful, ugly, stupid people.

Christ, do you people fucking suck.

Gods, you are all utterly gross. Just nasty.

What in the world ever prompted you sickos to think that I might be interested in something as grotesque as entering into someone else’s marriage as some kind of… I don’t know, it’s gross as hell and I’m not thinking about it.

Oh God, what on Earth, people?

Just to re-iterate, I am profoundly uninterested in entering into some kind of “swinger” relationship with some ugly man and some washed-up old ex-girlfriend of mine. This arrangement does not interest me in the slightest.

And I am verrry uninterested in seeing gross shit like whatever the hell is going on in pretty much all of the recent “sets” I’ve seen lately.

I don’t know, maybe I just have different tastes than others. But isn’t an appeal to my sensibilities supposed to be baked into these things?

If you want to look at some truly ugly and stupid people, feel free to browse the “Eliza Coupe” leak thread on phun.org.

I don’t know who this bitch is, but apparently she and her husband think that making faces in bed like a confused Down’s Syndrome baby is “sexy”.

Seriously, if you want a hell of a laugh, go check out the retarded baby faces in their “sexy” naked pictures. Holy shit, lol. It’s truly bizarre and utterly hilarious what these fools think is erotic.

Seriously, WTF? My mind is trying to process the reality that these pictures might be the “good” ones, hence them being the ones traded around. Holyyyyyy shit, lol. If these were the “good” ones, than what do the “bad” ones look like?

Good Lord, lol!!!

Ugh. Seriously guys? Maybe this odd crap appeals to others, I don’t know.

Yet another Kelly Brook set leaked. I haven’t been brave enough to look at it, though what I’ve seen in previews doesn’t look too nasty. I suppose that’s to Kelly’s credit. There looks to be only a couple sub room-temperature IQ roid rage freaks in her set. Good job, Kelly? Sure, why not.

Looking at these messes, I can see a lot clearer now why I am so prized. I mean, anything I do sexually, even the worst of it, is miles beyond the best of whatever these soulless chumps can do.

And now that I know my value, I see no problem acting like I feel.

Life can be good sometimes.

Oof. Ok, I give up, I give up. You know, I wasn’t expecting the usual internet “style” of revenge. I mean I wasn’t expecting to open Instagram this morning with a message from Alex saying “WELL FUCK YOU TOO, FARTKNOCKER. I HOPE YOU TRIP AND FALL DOWN A SLIDE STUDDED WITH RAZOR BLADES INTO A VAT FILLED WITH CONCENTRATED COCA~COLA RECIPE, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF GOAT SMEGMA. GO SUCK THE BUSINESS END OF A REVOLVER YOU MINOR-ATTRACTED FAGGOT” or something like this.

No, instead, today I get THIS:

Oh, for the love of God! No! No!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

NO PLEASE! Anything but this! ANYTHING!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been extremely sick, so I’ll try to keep this short.

Yeah, I have been withholding sex. I need to. I am very, very sick. Such is life, sometimes.

Instead of sex, what I have been doing instead is focusing my energy on healing myself- my skin, my joints, my bones, etc. And that is not easy, since we are talking superhuman levels of healing energy that need to be focused correctly.

It works but it takes a lot of time and effort, and must of course be done alone.

I have also been forced to turn to my old crutches- Fentanyl, Neurontin, and now Pregabalin. Don’t worry, I can handle everything better. I’ve mastered the situation, this time. I believe I know what this problem is (the cybernetics, doing something- like upgrading itself) and that knowledge has let me conquer the pain.

So, I’m happier, this time. Neat!

Ugh. I suppose I must say a word or something about all of the stupid bullshit going on in the celebrity world.

Alex D is engaged. Thank fucking God. I have been searching for a way to toss that albatross overboard for years. Thanks!

I really really don’t like her much, anymore. I mean she’s nice but… It had gotten to the point of my fantasizing over her once a year, out of a sense of duty. And that is ugly, and I would always feel like shit afterwards.

The reason I hadn’t formally dumped her was because of her proximity to Kat McNamara. Alex is the sister of Kat’s Shadowhunters costar, so I felt I could… make myself look more impressive to Kat by fucking Alex, since word would inevitably get back to her.

Yeah… reading what I wrote there… how toxic. Yuck. And I’m not sure who’s fault it is. Probably mine, somehow.

And regarding her career- Alex peaked with True Detective, and everything else since then was… less than. Or honestly, boring. Or flat out awful.

Her YT channel wasn’t my thing. I saw one video and then… grimaced, and never saw another. Really, not my thing.

Note that I didn’t bother with her new show- the one with Sydney. I heard good things about it and heard that she might have gotten topless or something on it but wow did I not care.

I downloaded some clips from it. I guess I’ll watch them to see what the fuss was about and then delete them.

I really need to delete some clips and stuff, at least from someone. I’m running out of space.

Her fiancé is ugly as sin. Seriously. WTF, Alex. Your fans are dumbfounded. Is that all it takes to get a celebrity? Christ is he nasty. Seriously, that facial hair is horrid.

He reminds me of that disgusting A-Hole that was recently filmed eating out Lily Mo Sheen. Oh God, I was at the height of my sickness at that time and actually vomited into my mouth a little when I saw that. That guy has some nasty, nasty facial hair and the last thing I wanted to see at that moment was this creep pushing it into Lily Mo’s vagano. Jesus Christ, YUCK.

I once had a trader try to sell me the Lily Mo set as being good because she was “very sexual”. What? Why the hell would I care about that? I have eighty, ninety wives (at the very very least). I don’t care how “sexual” a girl is.

My interest is in how committed a girl is. You know, to Tom Jacobsen. That is what makes them interesting and unique.

I don’t care about things like boob size. I just want to know that if I come down with a debilitating illness, that you will be thoughtful and help me through it, even if only in some small way.

I suppose I could rant about Willa Holland about the same shit, but honestly that would be redundant.

I’m thinking now about that heartbreaking scene in The Map of Tiny Perfect Things, where Margaret visits her mother in the hospital, who… well, I won’t explain it, but it hit me in the feels very squarely for a multitude of reasons. It would take me a half hour to explain why this scene was so good, and why it made me feel so… contented. So fulfilled. So gloriously happy-ish. I know, it’s complicated, but such is the reality behind every truly great relationship. There’s something there that can’t be shown, that can’t be expressed, but is still very much present, even if nobody involved can grasp it.

I don’t know. I’m still very sick, so perhaps I was too harsh on Alex and Willa, Lily Mo etc. Maybe I will re-evaluate when I feel better and healthier.

But as for me… I’m thinking now of making a rewatch of The Map of Tiny Perfect Things a birthday tradition for me. I’m sure that I will be able to spot new things every year. It will give me so much to think about.

I’ll talk about Laura when I feel better.

My arms feel like they are about to fall off. I am so so so very tired.

k, good night.