About the whole Hayley Williams thing… it isn’t nice to spring something like that on me. Not sure if anyone is reading this or whatever, but it. Just. Isn’t. Nice.
I kind of thought that Hayley and I were soulmates. I mean, I knew we weren’t but I still thought that. I know it was stupid to think that, since I’ve never even met her, but I still thought it.
Yes yes it was a dumb thing to think, but it’s what I thought. I mean, we had this absolutely amazing and incredible relationship, we’re like this perfect fit for each other, and right when I’m about to move it up to the next level BOOM she goes and gets engaged to someone else, with no thought about me.
And yes, I realize that that’s how it should be. So I’m not shading Hayley here. I don’t expect her to live her life to fulfill my fantasies. She’s her own separate person, not a puppet. I get it.
When you let someone into your life as close as I let her in, and you have such fun together, over and over again, for so many years… you think of yourself as being bonded to that person. Even though you try to keep in mind to yourself that your fantasies of that person aren’t real, and even though you’re convinced you’re doing that well, it’s easy to mess it all up.
It’s wrong of me to be upset at Hayley because she wants to get married to someone else. I realize that. But I just can’t help it.
I CAN’T HELP IT.
It hurts!
DAMN! Fuck you, Hayley!
It shouldn’t hurt. I’m easily the most powerful man in the world. There is nobody in this world as strong or as centered as me. One day, I’ll be king. My mind, my body, my soul, are indescribably strong. I have been through heaven and hell and conquered both. I’ve brought the most powerful men on Earth to their knees before me. I am the eternal, the alpha and the omega, the overlord of the information era, the prophet of the new age, and the harbinger of man’s ultimate potential.
And my power will only grow. It thirty years, this planet and all of it’s feeble inhabitants will be but rubble beneath my feet, although I will make sure to treat them all very well, perhaps better than they would treat themselves, in fact.
I have accomplished the impossible many, many times over the course of my life. At this point, there is no force on Earth that can get me to doubt myself.
… no power, except for that wielded by my girlfriends. They repeatedly slip through my defenses and leave me unarmed.
And I’m not sure of how to stop this.
It does my empire no good for this problem to fester as it has. What is all of what I’ve built, if such a small thing can dismantle it?
Fuck.
I need to figure out what to do with Hayley. Do I dominate her, absolutely and completely, so that regardless of what she does her thoughts will always be centered on me and my greatness? I mean, more of that than I’ve already done?
I am the great conqueror of this era. The history books of a thousand years hence will focus on my exploits. Hathaway, Hayley Williams, Elle Fanning… their opinions mean so little to me. Or, at least, they should.
But they do.
I’m reminding myself now of an ancient folk-tale from the Arab world. It’s about a great sultan, who spends his days running his empire and conquering neighboring tribes and families. It’s a difficult task, and it keeps his days full and occupied with minutiae.
At night, every night, he walks home with his reward in mind: his pillow. It’s a difficult thing to maintain a great empire. Sleep is what he desires most.
But he can’t sleep. He has a harem, so he absolutely must have sex with a few girls every night. If he doesn’t, and he retires without seeing them, the girls will wonder what is going on- and they’ll talk. See, they spend all day sitting around, talking and joking. Seeing him is the highlight of their day, so if he doesn’t spend time with them, they will get concerned. And if he keeps it up, eventually, word will travel outside the palace walls.
The young men in the sultan’s army would wonder why the great king isn’t spending time with his girls. Aren’t they the most beautiful and desirable in the world? So what is the problem? Is he too old? Is he impotent now? And then, some of them will start to make plans…
See, that’s the thing about being a tyrant. You go in assuming that you will control others, especially women, but in the end the women always exert control over you. I didn’t fully appreciate how tricky this would be. It’s not as easy as it looks.
Many, many angles to consider.
I don’t know.
I need more time to think about all of this.