I totally snapped at everyone, in, like, a major way… wow.
That was nuts.
I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure lately, because I’ve been thinking about my next path in life. I need to figure out how to continue my relationships with Swifty, Bells, K-Stew, etc. while living outside of my parents’, which is making me anxious, because I’ve decided to find a girl to live with that won’t have a problem with me having a hundred mistresses on the side… and that won’t blab to the tabloids. That is a serious concern of mine. I don’t want TMZ calling my house. Ever.
I could live alone, and up until recently, I was planning on it, because of a mistaken thought that I should be 100% devoted to my Hollywood girlfriends. But after my outbursts, I’ve changed my mind. I like having someone to talk to when I need it, or someone to rely on when I need help.
I’m an obvious bisexual, so I’ve been considering a living relationship with a guy(!!!!!!!!!) which could work logistically if it cannot work with a girl. I could, possibly, just explain to the guy that I’m bi, so I have a straight half as well as a gay half… and live that way. And to be honest, I’ve always wanted to try having a real boyfriend- just once. I think it would be fun with the right guy. But wow, would my family hate that. My parents have figured out that I’m innately bisexual and they do not like it. They haven’t told me directly, but they’ve made it very clear that a romantic relationship with a man would be grounds for being disowned. Their feelings on this matter are so strong that I won’t even pursue Hollywood guys, because of the thought that my parents might learn about it somehow. So that’s a no go.
And I have other concerns. My parents are getting old and I still live with them. I have money saved up, but still no full time job, which is dumbfounding. For the last 2 years, I’ve been doing contract work at a pharma giant, and I’ve been doing great. My co-workers and my boss seem almost in awe of my programming and interpersonal skills, and my writing ability might be the best in the company.
But they will not hire me. As far as I know, they will not consider it.
I feel frustrated. And embarrassed. And taken advantage of. I’ve done great things for my company, but they will not pay me a living wage or give me a token nicety like health insurance. And for a man of my age and class, it just feels… wrong to not have a real job. I hate it, and it honestly makes me feel less of a man.
And then there’s some other stuff.
I think I know exactly the moment I snapped. It was when I saw those pics on Elle Fanning’s instagram of her canoodling with her real boyfriend. I love her very much, and I want her to be happy… but… ouch. Those pictures hurt. A lot. I was happy in my fantasy world in which I was her one and only, and it shocked me to see that. I even mentally blocked out what I was seeing for awhile. It took a couple more nervous visits to determine that yes, I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing.
And those feelings were compounded later, when I saw Dakota canoodling with her real boyfriend, which she has apparently been seeing for a year now. And then I read those comments she made about the other guys she’s dated, and how she knew that they weren’t serious relationships and that she never cared much about them or invested in them. Eek. But I know that she wasn’t specifically talking about me, of course. I think. I hope.
I’m not saying this to throw shade on the Fanning sisters. I do understand their actions. But understanding is not the same as liking. I became very angry at them, and the whole system that they were a part of, and just… lashed out.
It was after lashing out and a lot of thought that I decided that I deserved someone of my own too.
So whatever. Right? Water under the bridge.
Whatever.