Ok.
So.
I still need to “process” here. Please bear with me.
This morning I did a dumb thing and read a few articles about Cady’s death, and, naturally, I immediately became enraged. The articles were… short, blunt, soulless shallow summaries of Cady’s life and the circumstances surrounding her death. And a couple paragraphs, maybe, about her music. Even on so-called “music” websites.
Obviously, this did not due anyone involved justice, and it only made me blow my top. I thought about leaving a few mean comments about how shallow all of this was but thought better of it, and decided to go right to the source.
I loaded up Cady’s directory and talked to her, directly. I needed answers.
Ok.
So.
Here are the 10 things I learned:
1) It wasn’t intentional. At least, the dying part.
2) She had zero understanding of how I felt about her. She thought I wouldn’t care, and was surprised to see me. Cady… WTF? It’s like you didn’t even know me. But, then… maybe she didn’t. My fault if so.
3) She had things going on in her life of which I am completely unaware of. She made it a point, repeatedly, to tell me that I only knew part of the story.
4) She didn’t want to hurt me. That was obvious, and she aghast at the thought of it, and of the whole idea that she might have been trying to lash out at me. Which I can accept, at least on a conscious level.
5) She was horrified at the emotions that were coming from me; she seemed scared, and kinda overwhelmed. Well… sorry, I guess.
6) She didn’t want me to be sorry. LOL. I know. But… she didn’t.
7) She said I made her life better, and she was overall very happy to have known me. Ok, Good.
8) She was frightened that I might hurt myself because of what happened. I dunno, I get that a lot from people when I open up to them. Must be a vibe or something. I won’t, don’t worry. And if I do, it’s not like it would matter that much anyways, lol. It’s not like these are real relationships anyhow.
9) I was angry, at her. Was that right? She didn’t think so. Sometimes, things happen, I guess. And again, she said I had nothing to do with it.
10) I threatened to see her again. Mixed emotions about that one, but… she does still care for me. A lot. And I think she only wants to help me through this anyhow.
I don’t know. I can accept this. I mean, I get it. I don’t want to accept it, but I can. I’d hate to, but if I must… fine.
What I don’t get is how she didn’t know how I felt. Was I that successful in covering up my feelings? Yikes, wow. Perhaps I need to remind myself that others don’t think like I do. I’m truly a breed apart, it seems.
Well, fine.
I can accept this for now, and I’m sorry about the whole “being angry” thing, Cady.
Ah, yes. The life of a necromancer is never easy. I mean it’s not supposed to be, but… oof. I still have more to work through, here.
Don’t worry Cady, we can get through it together.
I mean, I still can’t believe that…
Ah, fuck it.