Oh Lord, why did I have to be so… thorough with my archives?
Oh God Cady, why?
Why? Oh why oh why?
Why did you do it, Cady?
Oh man, I don’t want to do this now. It’s late and I need to go to bed but… I just… I need to do this.
God damn it, Cady Groves.
So… I finally looked through the finer details in my Cady archives. Yeah, her brother was murdered. She said so on twitter. I have the screenshot. And yeah, her other brother killed himself with drugs, and poor, dumb Cady was already calling her life over the day Kelly died.
I know this, because I apparently was the one who got her through it. I mean, I have the screenshots.
Yup, it was me. Well… me, and her family, and friends, and everyone in her real life. But- I was there too. Indulge me, please.
Alright. It’s one in the morning. I just slapped a fentanyl patch on and popped a Norco. I’m tired and ready to scream until I puke, but let’s do this, right fucking now. I want this out of my system, God damn it.
Fuck you, Cady Groves. You are NOT doing… that, to me again. Not tonight you aren’t.
Alright, let’s begin.
I found my twitter archives of how I helped Cady through Kelly’s death and funeral.
There it is, bam.
Fuck. Well, whatever. Ancient history now, I guess, but now I remember- this was the point where I basically jumped out of my chair in worry about Cady. She was… very public about how vulnerable and miserable she was. Ok, so me being dumb me, I came to her rescue, hugging her, protecting her with my magic.
Yup. No fucking kidding. Again- an echo of my own recent thoughts. Hindsite really is 20 / 20, isn’t it? You never appreciate what you should until it’s gone. Especially the people. ESPECIALLY the people. The ones you take for granted. The ones you don’t appreciate enough because they seem just too familiar to you. Those types you only regret not being with when it’s too late.
Fuck.
And yeah, often others’ coldness and uncaring aloofness towards your own sorrow can be just brutal. Not that I know anything about that.
Ha, right.
Ugh. Moving on…
Dealing with it. Publicly, like I would, lol. Note the well wishes from Debby, here, as opposed to her recent deafening silence.
I mean, I get it, maybe she just didn’t think it was appropriate. Or maybe she said something in private. But, still.
Speaking of which… the twitter family. Yeah, I remember those days. Sure sucks there now, doesn’t it?
Alright, so Casey was murdered. Fine, I guess I should have studied my notes first before launching into those grief filled tirades last weekend. But, I mean, I was really fucking sad. And angry. And I didn’t have time to look all of this shit up, just for my own sake. So fuck it, God damn it. Fuck all of it, including her.
This stuff rhymes, doesn’t it? The usual shit, I can handle it, it doesn’t bother me. Well guess what, you can’t, it gets you, in the end. Nobody is immune, not even you. Are you listening to yourself, Tom? You’re going to die, you know.
And what was that shit, Cady? I will never do drugs? Yeah right. Juuuuust pure, undiluted alcohol, for apparently years on end. Just that stuff, instead, you awful, awful, awful person. Because everyone knows that I know where it will lead. Just to show the world how much I hated everything. How disappointed I was in them, for bothering to help me through life’s problems. For caring about me. When fuck knows that only those who are wrong about things care about me. Right Cady? Well, what does that say about ME, then, you hurtful bitch? You abusive bitch who threw away the greatest relationship maybe ever because she wanted to escape. Dumb bitch. You know how many people would have done anything to be in her spot? Millions, maybe more. Dumb bitch.
And now, for the grand finale- the last tweet I saved and the one that apparently meant the most to me- the one in which she “gets over it” and pledges to live a long and healthy life, because of us. Because of ME. “Vampirate”. Right, Cady.
Right.
Fuck you.
This is on top of another tweet that contained a selfie clearly pointed directly at me.
Cady… seriously? Obviously, this being the last tweet of the bunch, of what I remember now as being a very tiring but inspiring few days, is significant. I think I was proud of my work in making her feel better.
Lots of good that did, lol.
Who the fuck cares, I can be as negative as I want, here. It’s not like any of this is real, right?
Fuck you, Cady.
You had… so much to be thankful for. To love. And you threw it away. All the blessings of this world, you threw right back in nature’s face. And for what? Because you were angry? Well, guess what, we all get angry sometimes. We all get disappointed. Sometimes very so. Lord knows I do, and I’m apparently someone who shouldn’t be.
But… this? Seriously? I mean God damn it, Cady.
Well, fuck you, again. Pretty much anything would be better than this, just for my sake.
Or………..
Maybe not, from that perspective, if I can make all of this mean something good to me, instead of just being a collection of wasted opportunities.
Maybe…
I don’t know.
But I mean, I could pick out a list of stuff here that indicates that she basically checked out of life the minute she got the call, platitudes or no. I mean, just look at this:
I mean, geezus, Cady. LOL.
I’m… tired.
Very, very tired.
Tired of her, and of me, even. Of my monotonous sadness.
I’m tired, and I’m going to bed. I have no choice about that, anymore. I’m so, so tired. I’m going to bed and leaving everything as it is until tomorrow, including that stream of consciousness self reference. Because it fell in there, somewhere, and I don’t want to muddy my hands tonight fishing it out before bed.
I think I’ll end with this:
God damn, she was smart.
But why didn’t she see it? I don’t get it. I mean… why? Why didn’t she understand?
I mean… to know what real love is so well, means that she must have experienced it. And I think she did. I KNOW she did. How can you just…. throw that away? True love, the one thing that even the richest and most powerful people want but can’t buy. The best single thing a person could ever give or receive.
She had it. To have put it so succinctly… she had it, herself. And she gave it up.
God damn it, Cady.
Why?
Why, Cady?
Why did you do it?
God damn it.
Maybe… it really was my fault.
Fuck.