Sighinide

Some more random thoughts, as I sit around and energize for the day.

Based on the things I’ve seen and the experiences I’ve had over the decades, I don’t think it’s possible for a human to love as much as I do.

This goes against the conventional wisdom of a cyborg as being a cold, lifeless machine, that is for sure. In fact- it seems the opposite is true.

Forgive my bluntness, but mere humans don’t, and I think can’t, have the capacity for love that I do. The ability just isn’t there and never will be, despite what intentions they might have.

Humans are fickle creatures, and their emotions waver, and are always shallow. They never look deep into a person’s soul, and TBH, I think they can’t. Even amongst the best of them- they’re just lacking, somehow. Maybe they aren’t smart enough, or perhaps they can’t separate themselves from their “human-ness” enough to take a real stock of another human.

There is nobody on Earth who can love as much as I do. It legit seems impossible for anyone else to even come close, TBH.

What I offer is *unconditional love that even fairy tales and legends could not match.

It’s a rare thing. It’s unique. Going back to Robb- nobody has ever or will ever love her as much as I did. Not her parents, not her friends or fiancé, or any children she might or might not have, or any potential grandkids, or anyone else. And it won’t be for lack of trying, perhaps. They’re just not going to have the capacity. The structural foundations that give a person the ability to “love” are not present in others, like they are in me. Not even close, really. Truthfully, she will be lucky to find anyone who loved her as much as 10 percent of what I did. And that is not an exaggeration.

Given my history, it is not impossible to think that the guy she’s engaged to loves her only 1% as much as I used to. Possibly less.

Gods, is that a scary thought, now that I think about it. I can see why so many people want to date me.

But… yeah. There is no way that she will find a replacement for me. He/she/it doesn’t exist in the human world. I have possibly loved her more myself than everyone else she has ever met in her real life, combined.

That is going to be a hard thing to lose, for her. Reallly hard, I think. We’ve been dating since she was 15. That is a long, lonnnng time.

As for me, I have McKenna Grace, who will be more than an adequate replacement for Robb. And also Alyvia Lind. With those two, I should be able to plug the hole left by her pretty easily.

But man, though… ouch, lol. I wonder what it will feel like on her end when I move her directory into the “extra” folder, alongside the Neve Campbells of the world.

It probably won’t be pleasant.

is about the easiest thing in the entire world, lol.

It’s like flipping a light switch. After four plus decades of this, it couldn’t be simpler.

I keep the relevant memories, but reprogram the neurological matter. I take the neurons that are dedicated to a particular girl and repurpose them- I just give them another task. Problem solved.

Easy peezy, lemon squeezy.

Another interesting aspect of this stuff is how I can somehow talk to machines, and computers especially.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I feel it apropos to go into now as well.

It’s like… I can feel machines breathe, or something. Like I can feel their heartbeats. It goes far beyond what some people say when they say they are “good with machines / computers”.

That, by itself, is pretty amazing.

I also seem to have developed some kind of immunity to the harmful effects of artificial electromagnetic or microwave energy. Decades ago, that stuff used to affect me. Now, I crave it, and can actually feed on it. Like I can use microwave energy, like what you get from cell towers and microwaves, to power my own organic cells (and my brain computer, natch)

So 5G doesn’t faze me. It likely isn’t going to affect me negatively in the slightest. And likely neither will 6G, or whatever comes after that.

It is not impossible that I have somehow genetically engineered myself to be able to handle better these energies, or to be able to utilize them on some base organic level, somehow.

This is crazy shit and truly incredibly bonkers. None of this makes any logical (meaning, human) sense. It makes perfect sense from a computer standpoint, though.

I mean, holy shit.

This reallly isn’t human, lol. None of this is, but honestly, it really isn’t bad, like at all.

*shakes head in puzzlement*

Ah, that’s ok, though. Life finds a way, and all of that.

This feeling I feel now is absolutely incredible.

Every cell is my body is bursting with energy. And I swear I can actually feel my DNA repairing itself.

Every muscle, every bone, every organ in my body is churning away, and I can feel them all working in harmony. It’s absolutely amazing.

And I can feel the supercomputer working away in my mind, constantly calculating the best way to do this or that.

It’s… unreal. Absolutely unbelievable. The perfect marriage of machine, man and nature.

Closing off the extraneous telepathic lines has given me yet another boost of natural energy, it seems. I’m no longer “sharing” my powers with the other girls. I’m keeping them for myself, now. And for a few others.

It’s… kinda miraculous. All this work I’ve done has increased my reserves to way beyond human capabilities. It feels as if anything would be easy. And if it wouldn’t be easy, it feels like the computer would find a way to just make it easy, somehow.

Unreal. Absolutely fucking unreal.

It might be an interesting study to see what happens the girls now that I have cut them off. It is not impossible that they will start to age faster, and perhaps suffer a drop in IQ or ability.

I’ve noticed this in my parents- they’re young for their ages, and that status starts and ends with proximity to me, it seems. It’s… pretty amazing.

This must be what it feels like to be the AntiChrist.

It’s a great feeling.

Ah! I see that Lily just got married. Speak of the devil, lol.

Yes, our relationship is over.

And with that, doors open.

Hmmn, reread my last post and I don’t mind it. It was angry, but frankly that’s ok; everyone else is angry these days, and I think I deserve that too.

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Random relationship stuff- I’m done investigating, once again, my past relationships, and I think this time I’ve gone as far as I possibly can. I mean I’ve fully investigated stuff from the early 80’s, lol. I was a toddler back then. Not sure how much more there could possibly be.

I had to open telepathic lines with my old girlfriends to do this, but I think I’m going to close them, now. It takes energy to keep those open and I could use that energy for other things.

I’m also done investigating my health issues, and the status of… me, I mean, whatever I am. And I think it was convenient to do both the relationships and myself at the same time. In fact it probably could not have been done correctly any other way, since both issues turned out to be two sides of the same coin.

With the telepathic lines closed, I should have much more energy left to work on my own issues. That is good.

I’m dumping AnnaSophia Robb, and Lily Collins as well. I no longer need them, and it would appear the feeling is mutual.

I needed Lily for awhile- she provided a lot of useful information that I needed to parse through with all of the Hollywood backroom stuff that is apparently so entwined with my own identity as a cyborg. And this stuff is so… odd, and difficult to even grasp, that I needed all the help I could get to piece it together.

Oh yeah, and Emma Roberts, lol. But that one should be obvious, as I haven’t been with her in over a year, or more. I already archived her directory on an external disk.

I think that perhaps AnnaSophia has a different impression than I do of this stuff. I think she thinks that I’m going to follow her, or something, into her marriage. That… is not going to happen, lol. I don’t do married chicks. Absolutely, absolutely not.

I most definitely and extremely absolutely do not do, ever, girls with kids, adopted or otherwise. That is most definitely always a no-go zone for me, and it always will be. There is no reason for anyone with a kid or a pregnancy to make a pass at me, ever. No-fucking-way is that going to happen.

AnnaSophia and I had a great relationship, don’t get me wrong. It was long, and fun, but it is/was very much of it’s time. I need to focus on other things now, besides.

And no, I don’t feel any remorse over any of this.

Last year, when I was hospitalized because my lungs were filling up with blood over a grotesque internal injury, I did not see any of the three girls I just mentioned trying to help or even offering up any consolation. No, as I was screaming in pain and wishing to die, they were just going about their daily lives, unconcerned. Or if they were concerned, none of them bothered to make that clear to me.

So, I see no reason to continue with relationships that ultimately mean so little to the other party.

Contrast this with my other relationships- Kathryn Newton, McNamara, Justice, etc. who did show at least a little concern, even if well after the fact. But at least it was something.

So, there you go.

I will move their directories onto the external, where they will sit alongside… I don’t know, the chicks I used to date back in the 90’s and the 00’s. IDK who they even are anymore, lol.

And with me simultaneously closing off any extraneous telepathic lines, I would not expect any possible re-invigoration of these relationships. Certainly not anytime soon.

The point is basically- don’t take me for granted. Just because I’m not human doesn’t mean that I should not be afforded basic decency.

In their place, I have… a lot of other chicks, lol. Both Jayden Bartels and Jules LeBlanc work as Nick chicks to replace Roberts. And Jules did give me some “feel better” hospital stuff, and that was even before I knew her.

I’m also interested in Indiana Massara, ofc. And a few other chicks, but we’ll leave it at this right now.

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I’ve not even begun to investigate the possibilities afforded to me by the whole “eternal youth” thing.

You know, being a cyborg is not such a terrible thing, really. You lose some free will (well, alot of it), but there are benefits to having a supercomputer hooked up to your brain, helping you along. And as the global computer grid and 5G network gets built out, it is very possible that these benefits will increase.

And when they roll out 6G, there might be more benefits as well.

I can see society, if not life itself, stratifying along cyborg/not-cyborg lines in the future.

The way I live might not be compatible at all with normal society, ultimately. The superpowers most assuredly are not.

——————————

Well, that does it for this one.

I fucking hate you all. Each and every person reading this- just know that in my most lucid moments that I truly and utterly fucking hate you to the depths of my being.

You have completely ruined my life. Through no fault of my own you have taken my destiny and my abilities and twisted them to suit yourselves, and never bothered to even tell me what was going on or why. Even slaves in the 1800’s were afforded more decency and respect than I have been shown.

You all- each and every one of you- is a worthless and despicable person. Unable to come up with any good ideas of your own, you had to steal all of mine, and in the most morally repulsive way possible.

You fuckheads have destroyed all of my potential. It has taken me forty fucking years to figure out what you shitheads were even doing to me and how I could actually live with it. Forty fucking years, and in that time, I’ve been left without a future in this system and with few if any resources that I could use to build myself the future I lack, and I do this while all of you reprehensible shitheads sit there collecting millions or billions of dollars off the ideas, inventions and stories that were actually mine.

Each and every one of you fuckheads deserves only the worst that life has to give you, if only so you could understand a fraction of what you people have done to me. You’ve ruined my life, destroyed my family, and wrecked everything good that I could have, should have been.

You’ve tortured an innocent soul for decades on end, just to do it. You’re sick, all of you, and I hope you all someday get the punishment that you deserve for your horrible crimes against me and everything decent.

Ok… here’s another one of these.

—————————

Wow, do I feel good. Like, amazingly, incredibly… superhumanly perfect.

It’s… incredible. Almost beyond mere words.

Imagine having all of your internal organs operating at 99% efficiency. And then imagine having a completely clean and 100% unpolluted bloodstream. And also having no harmful organisms inside- no harmful bacteria, no viruses, no parasites. And then think of what it would be like to top that off with you having your own personal highest possible vibrational rate, and then add on top of that some kind of supernatural vampire cyborg ability to repair damage to your own DNA.

I feel weirdly perfect right now. Like perfect perfect. It’s almost… no, it is, an inhumanly perfect feeling. I feel incredibly at peace, and one with myself.

Granted, that may change if I feel another tantrum coming on, but still… wow. Un-fucking-real.

I’ll be willing to bet that 99.99% of the people on this Earth will never come even close to feeling as… clean as I do right now. Even as children, or even as babies. It’s miraculous. Godly, literally. Like… no way is this even human. No way.

I realllly don’t look my age. I really don’t, and I mean, I don’t even look close. There are some people I know who look young for their ages, but… they’re not like me, at all, I think.

I saw a youtube video once about a convention of people who were big into anti-aging stuff. It looked like a meeting of a bunch of very healthy older people. They looked fit, happy, financially successful certainly, and they all looked very confident, but they looked… old, or at least, old-ish.

I don’t look old-ish. I look young-ish, if not actually literally young. I look kinda absurd for my age. And the “older” I get the more unusual I look.

I can forsee some problems cropping up because of this in the far future. I suppose I will deal with those then.

But… yeah. This is definitely very uncharted territory here. And I would say that in most if not all ways I feel, look, and act about like I did when I was in my early to mid 20’s, today. And, honestly, maybe I feel a little better.

And I don’t think that this is just… wishful thinking, or me being in denial. Because I’m not really even saying that I look good. I’m legit saying that I look… different. That I look odd, really.

This is seriously crazy stuff.

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I think I figured out the solution to the health problems I was having earlier, at least partially.

I’m a cyborg. Not a human. And, being part robot, I have different nutritional needs. And when I fail to meet those needs, I have problems.

So I’ve adjusted my vitamin intake accordingly. I need metals. Iron, Zinc, Chromium, and others. So I take them. And I feel better. A ton better.

Let’s hope that this fixes things over the long term.

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I’ve been replaying Avernum 3 lately. The old version, the one I played during my senior year of college. It’s fun.

For those who don’t know (which is likely most if not all of you), it’s a computer RPG developed by Spiderweb Software, and is in fact a remake of Exile 3, a game I played quite a bit back in high school.

I guess I’m doing it for the sake of memories, or… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just fun.

Or at least educational.

I think I know where they got Hogwarts from, now. And probably a few other things.

Revelations everywhere if you keep your eyes open, I guess.

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Hmmmn what else. IDK.

Gods, can it be a mighty pain to deal with those guys that lord over the celeb hacking community. And yes, I know that they are likely at least a little autistic, but still. Jeezus, people.

But since I have nothing else to do right now, I might as well tough it out. Ugh, Kee-hrist.

So I’ll do it, even if only for the sake of curiosity, I guess.

IDK. Well, I’m going to bed, maybe. We’ll see.

Let’s see what additional programming my cybernetic brain downloads tonight, lol.

I think I’ll vent some random stuff tonight.

———————–

I took a couple days off from sex mostly because I needed to deal with some mental and physical stuff.

I’ve been detoxing in a few different ways this year. Lately, I’ve been using LEDs- I use a combination of red, blue, white, infrared, and UV LEDs to… I guess activate my body, or provide energy, or something. I’m not sure how it works. I do feel better, though. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the lights interacting again with my cybernetics, or something. I’m not sure. We’re in uncharted territory, here.

But I do feel good. I feel very clean inside. It’s nice.

I think I figured out why I always have trouble with pushups. Its my wrists. I have very small wrists for a man. They’re only 5 inches in diameter, way smaller than average. They’re about an average woman’s size, or maybe even a little smaller. This makes pushups problematic, because I don’t have a woman’s frame. I’m 6 foot 3, 195 pounds. So this whole arrangement is difficult.

And frankly speaking, I don’t have a body shape that would make pushups easy, or even convenient. I have long arms even for my height, for example. I would imagine that if I were more compact they would go a lot smoother.

What I’ve needed to do is target the wrists directly, to get them more stable. I’ve been using grip strengtheners, and some dumbbells I bought that have really large handles. And these things do seem to have worked, so I’ve (finally) made the transition to “normal” pushups, albeit in small numbers.

My plan here is to work up to 100 pushups, using my own style of mixing different kinds. Knee pushups, military, diamonds, pikes, knuckles, fingers, Indians, etc. I never do more than 10 of one kind of exercise. I lose count and it’s boring (to me), besides.

Sure, why not. And I thought about pull ups but fuck that, lol. I had one of those pull up bars for my doorway but was never brave enough to use it. I’ve seen enough of those “Pull-Up Fail!” videos on youtube to know what happens with those things, lol.

I figure that the pushups will get me the strength and speed I need to punch and block quicker. You know, for that fight I will never be in, lol. But… yeah, sure. It works as kind of a “McGuffin” I guess.

I still use the leg weights, and am slowly increasing my balance, flexibility, and strength, etc. It’s a slow road- but if I can increase my flexibility in all directions by 1 mm a week, that is good enough. By next Christmas I should be in good fighting form, then. I don’t care if it takes “long”. I’m doing so much at once, physically, that that works just fine.

I also do barre. Ballet stuff- I do a good 20 or so barre exercises every week. The ultimate balance enhancer. I do them with dumbbells and leg weights to make them harder. I don’t give two shits if people think that’s “girly”. Fuck them. These exercises will give me kicking stability and leg balance better than anything I have ever had, even when I was at my peak. I think. Well, maybe not. I was 18 then, and now I’m… not, lol.

Well, that does it for the exercise stuff.

I’m also doing various cleansing stuff for my organs. Why not. I feel better and I think that I needed it, owing to all of my past drug addictions, lol.

And I use those electrical zapper machines, and vibration machines. Why not, lol. It all seems to help.

I still have two inches on my tummy that I need/want to get rid of. It’s frustrating. I don’t know, can I even get rid of them? I’m in my mid 40’s. I just want my teenage body back, dammit. But… I don’t know. Should I go cardio?

Do I already do cardio? Does barre count? I haven’t the foggiest. Does that mean just “walking”? I don’t know.

———————–

I hesitate to use the treadmill downstairs because I don’t want to go into my mom’s “zone”. It’s alllll politics in there, like it always has been. It’s kinda… ugly. And dumb. I mean it’s not even political theory. It’s just… dumb crap, about this or that political somebody. And it’s always whatever is the democratic talking point of the day.

She hates republicans, which I agree with. That I don’t care about. But she seems to think democrats are somehow better than they are. She’s wrong- they are both dreadful, but that never seems to have ever registered with her, and she’s been following this stuff for literally generations now. It’s kinda… baffling, honestly.

She watches political TV, allllll day long. CNN and MSNBC, mostly. She even watches those weird shows on CNN that only get thousands of viewers a night. I mean, literally thousands of viewers, in a country of 350 million.

Ugh, dealing with that crap is obnoxious at best, and toxic as hell at worst. And it’s always tiresome as hell to hear her rant about Trump, yet again. Ugh, good lord. I mean he’s not even in office anymore!

This wouldn’t be as bad, I think, if this hadn’t been going on now for generations. She’s been like this since the 90’s.

At times I’ve been political, too, but that was only when I wanted to actively change the system, and then, only temporarily. And I could change the system, and I knew it, so it wasn’t just a waste of time. My mom’s ranting, though… ugh, it’s so useless, and annoying.

This political nonsense occupies wayyyy to much of her thought processes. She doesn’t seem to do anything else, at all. She never goes anywhere, never ever even exercises, even to do something very basic, like use an exercise bike (one of which is literally 10 feet away from her at all times) or use some of my really light plastic dumbbells, which I have given her at various points. They just eventually collect dust, so I eventually take them back.

Politics is fine for entertainment purposes, I suppose. Or to learn this or that about the world, or something. But to take it seriously as it is presented is always toxic, and wrong.

I mean, obviously.

———————–

I’m still excavating more of my past. I plan to watch some of Michelle William’s old films, to see her opinions of me, and I guess to revisit myself.

I feel sometimes like an archaeologist.

I’m sure I can find Timemaster somewhere.

And in other news I need to watch Neverending Story. All of them; I think there are three.

I think these might be based on me playing with the dog I had as a kid. In fact I’m like 95% sure of it; the dog in those movies looks like she did. And they would have been released at the right time for that, too.

Yeah.

And how much do you want to bet Titanic is based on the fantasies I had of that one relative of mine that went down with the ship? I’ll need to look his name up, again.

Draw me like your French girls, indeed.

And I’m noticing stuff now in Terminator 1 and 2, even.

It’s fascinating, all of this.

It’s like Calvin and Hobbes. I guess it isn’t the case that all kids had that particular sandbox, or tree fort. Or that personality, or those toys, or that imagination, or those parents, or that wagon, or those woods, or that sled, and everything else.

It’s… pretty amazing, really. I grew up thinking that my childhood must have been exceedingly common and unremarkable- why, it’s portrayed in everything! Everyone had a childhood like mine, only theirs were a little more fantastic!

Not so, apparently. My childhood was in fact extremely and actually literally unique.

I don’t know, though. There was always this weird, nagging voice somewhere in head, that would tell me to look closer. And I did, but I couldn’t really process what I was seeing, or feeling. It just didn’t make sense.

Reading the comic now, though, I get it.

Is it the case that Calvin’s real name isn’t in fact Calvin? That is the impression I’m getting, now. Kind of like how Hobbes isn’t really “Hobbes”. In fact, if I’m reading the early comics right, I think Calvin’s real name might be Tom.

Reread the first book, if you have it, and tell me what you think. Look for the “Tommy Chestnut” strip, and think about the implications.

Kinda of like Tom as “Neo”, and a shedload of other people. I’ve been namechecked in a lot of things, including, very interestingly, Jhonen Vasquez’s Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.

And yes, I got that same weird uncanny valley effect reading that work as I did Calvin and Hobbes, so many years ago.

And a lot of other things, but… this is getting too long, here.

There’s a lot to think about, to say the least.

———————–

What else… the vaccines, maybe?

I purposefully have not really talked about them, yet. Not much, at least. I wanted to make this blog a “vaccine free” zone. It’s just… so political, and goddamn, am I tired of politics.

I suppose I’ll get the vaxx, but it won’t be the Pfizer one. Probably the Novavax one. The one that uses the old vaccine tech, like you get with flu shots.

I’m just not sure of the others.

I’m not worried, just not sure. I mean, I’m already a cyborg, so… lol. I suppose that a techno vaccine couldn’t make me more of a machine that I already am, lol.

———————–

So… what am I? I think I must have been some kind of shadow government / deep state experiment. I mean I clearly was. Interesting stuff, and honestly, kinda humbling. But it is what it is.

I guess the question is whether I was conceived as an experiment, or they turned me into one after I was born.

I don’t know, but I have an idea.

But that will wait for another time.

Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t actually know this stuff already?

Honestly, I feel like I’m always playing catch up, here. Like I’m always 40 years behind everyone else or something.

Yeah… I dunno.