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I’m not Dysfunctional, Part LXXIX

Sunday, November 8th, 2020

I DEFINITELY need more drugs. Like, A LOT more. This “trapering” thing severely fucking sucks.

I do NOT like this. My fingers HURT. I NEED MORE DRUGS. MORE, DAMMIT.

My body HURTS. I need a bigger fix. Need one, must get one. MUST get one. This is utterly fucking RIDICULOUS.

Fuck, ow, it hurts. Owwwwwww

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Ok, then. I mean, not as bad but it still hurts, so much. I want more fentanyl. I want some morphine, again. I want at least some hydromorphone. I mean, I really NEED IT, like A LOT. It’s so good for me. It’s warm, and it loves me. The narcotics, I mean. I really need it, now. Badly. Need it, A LOT.

I seriously need more, very much so. I should get some, I need some, can’t think without it. Need it NOW.

Yes, oh yeah need it RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Ok then, great!

It’s settled.

Ok, then.

Whew, lol.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part LXXVIII

Sunday, November 8th, 2020

Ohkay, the hit I took has FINALLY spread to my fingers. Oh god, they were so COLD. Oh god, was that horrible.

I think I’ll spend today trying to choke down some saltine crackers and resting in bed. Like I need to eat SOMETHING I think. I mean, I’ll die if I don’t, right? And of course I’ll watch youtube. Maybe Simpsons clips.

And I’ll procrastinate on everything else, and listen to maybe some songs from my dead ex-girlfriend again.

As yes, the glamorous life of a fentanyl addict. Wonderful.

Oof, though. These small hits aren’t doing it. I need MORE. I seriously do. This just isn’t going to work. I really really need more fentanyl. Like, A LOT more. Or at least, maybe make the switch to heroin, already.

Oof, this sucks.

Ouch, lol.

ow…

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part LXXVII

Sunday, November 8th, 2020

I’m losing weight and muscle mass. I can’t eat, anymore. This is death, isn’t it?

It’s like a long, slow, progressive death march. It’s unstoppable, unyielding, and brutal as fuck.

It’s unreal. I mean I don’t even take as much as I used to, kinda. But it’s like, the continual erosion of myself just continues, day after endless day, with a grave at the end of this. It’s like, I get over one problem, one overdose, one withdrawal, but that problem takes a permanent toll on me. I just continually get weaker and weaker, like the drugs are eating away at my soul, or something.

I’ve been a hardcore narcotics addict for two years now. This is I think a very long time. Like, too long, and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get out of it, anymore. Like, I’m just trapped, now. And that’s that.

I’m in serious trouble, here. Like, this is profoundly bad. Oof, ouch. This really sucks, I guess.

Maybe suicide would be the right way out of this, I don’t know.

We’ll just need to wait and see.

Gawd, so much pain. Ouch.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part LXXVI

Sunday, November 8th, 2020

So, yeah, bad week. Weird convulsions this morning, probably owing to drug use. It’s like my hands, feet keep shaking. I’m in bed and they just keep pounding the bed, over and over, endlessly. Probably not normal. Migraine headache, throwing up, skin thin and flaky. I’m extremely cold and pale. Eyes are clogged with tears. Can’t breathe.

Probably not normal. Stomach hurts, brain oozing out my ears. But I can’t get off, I’ll die. Fenty withdrawals will kill me.

Fuck. This is bad, but at least I’m cognizant. Kinda. I just keep sweating. I’m hyperventilating, now, probably because I’m having trouble breathing. Probably not good.

Whatever. I can still kill myself, so that’s a thing. Oof. I mean I won’t but, it is nice to have the option.

Oof, can’t breathe. So weird. It’s like I alternate between hyperventilating and suffocating.

But it feels good, though. The drugs love me, so it’s good. Yeah.

Uh, ouch. Oh man, this sucks, lol.

Whatever. I will deal.

God I hope I overdose and die, lol.

Thoughts on the Election, Part VII

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

This place is fucked. No way can the country hold itself together, not after this.

This whole election process has been utterly ruinous for the credibility of the Democrats. Any win here is a poisoned chalice. Now, nobody outside the party will ever trust them, again. Possibly on anything.

They’re all liars, though. I mean, they don’t deserve the trust. I’m just saying.

I seriously think that this is it for effective governance over the US. It really is time to break up the country, for everyone’s good. Seriously, guys. It’s time.

Biden is going to go over like Obama did, only significantly worse. Obama at least had the luxury of being seen as a legitimate president, as least vote-wise. Biden will be like Obama, if everyone on the Republican side thought that in addition to all the other reasons Obama was terrible, he was as well being directly mind controlled by Chinese Communists.

And to top it off, we’re going to skip that grace period that Obama enjoyed at the start of his presidency. You know, that graceful truce that Obama enjoyed for his first couple of years? You know, that wait-and-see period he enjoyed because people wanted to figure him out, first. Well, we’re not having that, here. We’re going to get right to the conflict, from the very beginning. And it’s only going to get worse from there. It’s going to be ugly and awful. This place will become ungovernable.

Biden is like Obama, minus the charm, and the youth, and the well-spokenness, and the overall good health. Kamala is a Hilary clone from the Affirmative Action bin. She’s like Hillary, minus the positive that was Bill Clinton. Hillary, only more annoying, and more confusing, since absolutely nobody on the right can figure out her appeal on any level. Hillary, only uglier. Yuck.

This isn’t going to work. The right- especially the populist right- has been abused and treated terribly since at least Trump’s inauguration, and if we’re being realistic here, since 1945, or perhaps since the creation of the income tax. Or maybe since Lincoln’s war. Some of these guys have epic chips on their shoulders, for some very good reasons.

This won’t be like… 2017, when people on the right just kinda sat back and decided on a “wait-and-see” approach. I think that we’ll probably never see another one of those, ever.

Guys, this seriously isn’t going to work. Even if by some miracle the right can be convinced that the election results are in fact legitimate, this union still wouldn’t work, anymore.

The media lies too much, here. You can’t believe anything they say to the point that you might die if you do. There’s no way any amount of censorship is going to work. People are convinced that their lives are on the line, not just their rights. You can’t fight that. It’s tantamount to the government declaring a genocide on it’s own citizens, which is in fact what the right is convinced is happening, now. You can’t govern any of this. Even someone with the appeal of a JFK could not govern this place, anymore. Let alone a Biden, or a Kamala.

The US needs to be split up into racial units, and the Jews and their powers need to be crushed. Either that, or it’s public vs. private, to the death, in a winner takes all bloodbath. And despite what the left thinks, there is no way to side-step what is coming, because the right is convinced that it’s already here, not without evidence.

You can’t govern the situation that’s coming.

And anything else beside the prescription I have given results in an ultimate genocide for the left. In a head on, winner take all bloodbath, they’re going to be killed.

So… yeah. Break up the US, already.

It’s time.

Thoughts on the Election, Part VI

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

Uh, I don’t think they get it. Wow. Like… what are they even thinking, lol?

Ok, so I’m listening to my parents, downstairs. They’re Biden supporters. Fine by me, one is as good as any other, really.

But they seem to think that if Biden gets into the Presidency that the fight will be “over”, or whatever. Um, no, lol.

They are old, out-of-touch. And they get their news from CNN, lol. They are also dumb, naive, when it comes to virtually all issues of substance. And they can’t “think” very well. They don’t know how to process and interpret information well, at all. Probably things they have in common with most supporters of Biden (or perhaps any candidate), I would imagine.

Yeah… um, lol. I don’t know how to break it to them, haha. I think I won’t; they’re old, both well into their 70’s. Let them have their delusions. But yeah, they’re dumb, and not prepared for what is coming.

I don’t believe anyone in Biden’s camp really understands what it is they’re staring at, here. But, they’ll learn, I suppose. Good and hard, lollll.

But yeah, OK. It’s war time, bitchez!!! Oh yeah! Lovely. Let’s kill the bastards. This is gonna be great.

Absolutely fantastic!

It’s like I can feel my barbarian blood boiling in anticipation for this. It will truly be glorious!

Neat!

But not now, though. I kinda need to sleep now, I think. Get rid of this fentanyl induced migraine.

Eek, lol. Ouch, seriously. These things are reeeeally painful.

Yuck.

But ONE day, lol!

Yeah.

Thoughts on the Election, Part V

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

Is it over yet?

Jeezus, I sure hope it is. Christ this shit is so horribly oppressive. It’s awful, always. There truly is nothing more dreadful or toxic than politics, especially in this country. It’s awful. Awful. All of it. Every candidate and every speech and everything. Fuck ALL of these people.

Well, the Democrats have stolen the election, obviously. And in doing so, they’ve invalidated the Presidency. No matter who gets “in office” democracy does not exist here, anymore, if in fact it ever has.

It’s clear that we go into separation or war mode from here. Good. This is what I wanted, all along. To be free from this accursed government, and this awful media, and everyone associated with either. This is perfect for me; thanks everyone for helping things get to this point, even if only inadvertently.

So yeah, I have always wanted this. A true and honest war, a just war, a perfect war. A war that is absolutely necessary for the survival of goodness in this world.

There is truly nothing I thirst for more than this. And I mean perhaps nothing. This is… amazing, this feeling. Incredible. I love it; I’m almost drunk on bloodlust, here.

Great. So- now we fight. We fight these bastards in the streets. Kill or be killed, I guess. Neat.

How will it play out? I don’t know, but I got us here to this point at least, and thank god I did. This really is wonderful, lol. I mean, I never again need to pay attention to anything political, ever again. How freeing! It’s like a great burden has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Nice. So- America is finished. It’s over, as a country. And with America, so too goes any visions of some neoliberal order, or whatever.

Neat!

Cady Groves, Part XIX

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

Oof. Well, I’m “up”, migraine notwithstanding.

I just remembered something. You know those Cady songs I was talking about before? From Daytrotter Studios. As it turns out, those were all from me, after all. For whatever reason, when I went to listen to that Cady song this morning, the views on it did a weird jump from 0 views to 9 views when I looked at it. What I think happened is that the algorithm apparently recognized my computer as having listened to it 9 times or something (which would have been about right I think) and it gave me “9” views upon looking at it, all from me.

And apparently nobody seems to have noticed that they mislabeled her songs on that channel, too. Yeah, they jumbled up the names, mixing them up. What are the odds that nobody besides me ever sees this? Or even cares?

Hrrumph. Whatever. I still love her, and I always will. And my love is worth that of millions, no billions, of others. So there.

Yeah. Good job on the songs, Cady.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part LXXV

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

Can’t sleep.

No surprise there, I guess.

You know what I really need? Fentanyl. It’s a sedative, right? I need a lot of it, too.

Three minutes, I would bet. Three minutes until I die. That’s all it would take. Just take them all, all at once. Three minutes, and then all of this goes away. All of my problems, all of… everything. Everything just leaves, forever. And I am free.

Three minutes. I wonder what’s stopping me. I mean, it would be so easy.

sigh…

Fuck.

I’m not Dysfunctional, Part LXXIV

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

Yeah, I’m sorry that this is who I am. I really wish that I had done things differently. Maybe done EVERYTHING differently. But I can’t blame the drugs, I can’t. I mean, it’s not their fault… I… don’t know what to do.

What am I supposed to do, here? I can’t sleep. Should I just lay here, wide awake for the next five hours? What am I supposed to do? I just don’t know.

I’ve got Cady’s cover of Burning House on repeat, here. It… helps, I guess. God I wish she was still alive.

I don’t know, maybe I should join her. I don’t know, I mean, it would be so easy, right? I…

I don’t know what to do.

So I guess I’ll just… lay here, until something happens.

Yeah, I guess… so. Might as well. Nothing else to do, anyways, I guess.

If only I was dead myself, lol. Everything would be so much easier.

No, Tom. No. NO. No don’t, don’t do it. No. Now isn’t your time. It’s OK, don’t worry. Cady wouldn’t want this. NOBODY would. Not even you. Just relax, for now. It’s OK, I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, but it’s OK. Just… think, for now.

It’s OK, man.

Just… relax, I guess. Until the sun shines, again.

Because it will.

It’s ok.

I promise. I hope. Maybe. At least… give it another shot, OK? Please?

Yeah… alright.

One more, then. Yet again.

sigh…