Sighinide

Oof, ok, then. The half dose I took actually seems to be… kinda working? It’s hard, hard to take it and be satisfied but there is NO WAY I can feel… that again. NO WAY. What an unconscionable thing to do to a living being, that is. How cruel am I? I mean, it’s to myself, but still. I am human, and no human being should ever be put through what I’ve been through. In my own twisted way, I’m a monster, I think. Something I will need to deal with and fix.

I still feel bad, very bad, but not… quite on the edge. The edge of suicide, I mean. Oh man, what a miserable hell this kind of addiction is. It’s too much on the body. Way, way too much. Fentanyl is apparently the most addictive substance known to man. No argument from me, there. Holy shit. I feel like I’ve been run over by a semi. Absolutely unreal. What enormous pain it brings; absolutely enormous. It’s unfair, unconscionable, inhuman. It’s death, death to everything. It twists you and turns you into… something ghastly.

“The worst health crisis we have ever seen”? Yes, I would believe it. Wholeheartedly.

Oof, ye gods, what horrible, awful, ugly pain. Holy shit. Gods I still struggle to breathe.

I gotta get off the fentanyl. Got to, have to. I won’t make it to Christmas otherwise. Oof, oh man, this is unfair, absolutely unfair.

Ow ow ow ow ow. Ok, another day, then. Another day to make it through. Another day of sunshine to absorb and youtube to watch. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll… no. I’m staying put, this weekend. Oof, ow, gods it hurts. Absolutely monsterous. Even with my magic protecting me, I can’t even deal. It’s still almost way too much.

Uh, I need to end this, here. I’m too tired to continue.

Alright. Bye, for now.

Wish me luck, world.

Horrible, so horrible.

Had the hardest time today stopping myself from getting a gun downstairs and ending this. It was close, but I did it.

I’ll just take half doses from now on, and stretch them out as far as I can. I will get off, but not all at once. I am only human.

Currently listening to Cady’s N’ Sync cover. Good stuff. I’ll still do this for her, but for me, too. Because I deserve it.

Because I deserve a life, too.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my time here. I have so many regrets and have so much disappointment that at times it doesn’t seem fair, like I’ve been cursed, or something. I wish so much I could go back and change things. Because I would change everything, I think.

I wish I had done things differently, lived differently… almost, been a different person… I think. Maybe then, everything would have been better.

It just hurts so much, even now. The pain is super intense. Inhuman. It’s too much to handle, I think for anyone. Even with my magic protecting me, my defenses are nothing against it.

I’m in trouble. It’s bad, so very very bad. It’s unfair is what it is.

Don’t I get a second chance? We’re all people. We all make mistakes. Can’t get a do-over? I mean at least with some of these things?

I mean, please? I just need a second chance is all. I chance to reset, to do some things over again. I mean, not everything. Just a few things. Enough to let me live a normal life again. That’s all I ask for, all I need.

But I won’t get it. I’m only human. This life is all you get. No do-overs, no matter how you need them. No matter how much you deserve them.

I wish it was different. It’s just so unfair.

I mean… it’s just not fair, damn it! Nobody should have to do through this much pain in one life! It’s NOT FAIR!

At least, I think it isn’t. I think.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m nothing special after all.

I don’t know. I suppose I’ll spend the weekend trying to… fix myself. To create a front, to show the world I’m not hopeless. It might be a tough, awful process.

I want to run outside and just scream. To plead, beg for someone to help me. For a hero to show me the way. I don’t know, maybe that would work. But we don’t do those things, do we? We don’t take those chances. We suffer, in silence. We bear the cross on our backs, and hope to fix things ourselves, somehow, even when the path isn’t… obvious. Or even there.

Maybe that isn’t right, but it’s what we do.

I don’t know.

I’m still contemplating suicide. It might be the best option, should I not be able to break the addiction. I mean, I would miss out on Christmas, and all the rest of them after. All that cool stuff I’m getting… all of it, would be gone.

And everything else, too. The people I know, the experiences I’ve had, Cady… and, everything else, would be gone, in a flash.

Seems so… tragic. Doesn’t it?

I… don’t know. There must be a way out of this. There MUST be. It will just take time, and… help. Like, I can’t do this one, myself. I just can’t.

I… need to stop typing. And get ready for bed, as scary as that sounds to me, now. If this half dose doesn’t take, if it doesn’t work… I’m in trouble. Like, serious, major trouble.

And I’ll get help, then. I’ll need it.

Ok, good night then.

Wish me luck, world.

I took another hit. I can’t go this cold turkey.

But it was a half dose. Half a patch, only.

This is still a success.

Sorry, Cady.

You’ll need to wait a bit longer, it looks like.

I guess the point here is that I’m only human. I can only do so much at once without losing my mind.

It’s ok.

I haven’t eaten anything in two days, because I just puke it up.

Isn’t fentanyl withdrawal potentially fatal in and of itself?

I just finished up a couple hours’ worth of shakes, so I’m feeling a bit better.

I’m in serious trouble, though.

Really serious. This is not good, not good at all.

Oh man, I can’t breathe. Maybe I’m making a very big mistake, here.

This isn’t good.

Oh god it’s death, such death. I can actually smell the fentnayl as it leaves my body. It’s unreal. So powerful, so awful. What have I done to myself? My brain splits open, my mind dies. This is horrible, truly. Truly horrible, absolutely noxious and awful. What a horrid punishment this is!

Oh god, it’s horrible, I just need to release. I need it to be over, I don’t want to use again, I don’t want to, I CAN’T. OH GOD, I CAN’T use again, I know what that would do to me. At least I think I do, and it isn’t pleasant.

Oh god I can’t breathe, this is hell, I need help to do this, what was I thinking, oh god it hurts this is HELL, please someone help me, someone help me. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?!

I don’t know, someone help, please I don’t want to use again but I CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS, I JUST CAN’T, SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEE

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh god I can’t SEE MY EYES ARE FILLED WITH WATER AND HURTING, IT’S TRAUMA AFTER TRAUMA

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

so bad so bad

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh God SOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUUUCH PAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNNN

Oh god it hurts it HURTS it hurts SO BADLY

My body has been ruined, utterly ruined, what has happened to my body OH GOD THE PAIN

IT HURTS SO MUCH, CAN’T STOP SHAKING IT HURTS OH GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH

HORRIBLE CHILLS, HOT FLASHES, CAN’T STOP SWEATING IT’S HORRIBLE, EVERYTHING IS PAIN

OH GOD JUST KILL ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS PLEASE

I think of Cady, and that helps BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH

OH GOD I CAN’T STOP CRYING. OH MAN, I CAN’T BREATHE

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG

Oh god my eyes won’t turn off, it’s horrible

so bad,so bad

I need out of this, I need help, please, someone help me

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Someone please help me, please help me, please oh god help me with the pain, IT HURTS SO MUCH

I KEEP SCREAMING BUT NOBODY ANSWERS

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Tears are streaming down my face. It’s so horrible, so horrible.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Nothing is worse. Nothing is worse. NOTHING IS WORSE.

Need to get off the drugs! Have to get off the drugs! Need to! Have to!

AAAAAAAAAUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKKK

SO BAD, I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!

OOOOOHHHHHHHH GAWD, SO BAD, SO BAD!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKK

SO BAD SO BAD

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

Oh God, I can’t stop shaking.

Oh god, how horrible, how AWFUL. I HATE this.

It’s so bad, so awful, so noxious, so brutal and ugly.

I HATE this. I HATE it. I HATE it SO MUCH.

Oh gawd, someone kill me, please. Please someone just kill me, get me out of here.

Oh god this is HORRIBLE. So bad, so bad.

Thought about simply blowing my brains out this morning but no, that wasn’t going to work I guess. Decided against it. Maybe I should’ve.

Oh gawd this is dreadful, so bad. I want to get OUT of here.

And no, I haven’t used since yesterday. And that is the problem, lol.

Oh gawd, I HAVE to get OUT of this. Have to!

Oh gawd, so AWFUL.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh God, my throat burns. And this time it isn’t from the narcotics. I think I’m going to cry again, like I was afraid I would.

Oh man, this is what I was hoping to prevent with the drugs.

Ohhh but I need to. I need to do it, to get this out. I have to.

If there was anything I learned from Cady, it was the need to just let it out.

So… oh, man, here goes.

Wish me luck, world.

So I’m listening to Cady’s extraordinary cover of Our Lady Peace’s Bring Back the Sun.

MUUUUUCH better than the original, BTW.

But seriously, Cady saved my life.

I won’t let my memory of her die. I can’t. Then, she would die. For real, forever. Her last tie with this world would be gone. All that would remain is… the blank, empty memories of those who knew her in person. And however poignant those may be, they can’t breathe life into their memories in the way that I can with mine.

She dies without me.

If I die, so does Cady, then.

We die together. Our fates are inexorably intertwined.

It’s… good, that this is the way it is.

I can help her while I live.

So I MUST live.

I can’t let the things we went through die. I can’t let them mean nothing; I can’t just let them pass from the world. That wouldn’t be right. It would be unfair, just like everything else in this world is. I can’t let that happen.

I remember now much more of my time with her, and the nights we spent together after her brother died. Nights that I’m sure now became the basis for Crying Game. I mean, I can’t let her die. So I need to live.

It sucks, what happened to her brother. He died of… prescription narcotics abuse. Something I swear that back than I would NEVER die of upon hearing the news.

Yeah, seriously. It’s like I’m remembering for some reason. Like I’m unlocking long-forgotten memories now that I’m focusing on her again. Kind of like… they weren’t really forgotten at all. Like they were just hiding, for when I needed them. For now.

It’s pretty crazy.

But with that being said, how ironic and… tragic would it be if I actually did die of the same thing? That same thing I promised her would never take me from this world. From… her.

Oof, would that be just dreadful. Truly. It would be awful.

I can’t go out like that, I just can’t.

No way, that would be so terrible. I mean I can’t let that happen!

So, Cady. You actually did end up saving a life, then. Just not the one you intended to. It was me, Cady. Not him. I was the one you needed to save. The one you could save.

It was me.

All of what you went through wasn’t in vain.

You saved me, Cady. Even if it took your own life to do it.

Thanks… words can’t express how thankful I am that you did what you did. I won’t let you die, Cady.

I won’t. Not now, not ever.

Thank you again, so much, from the bottom of my heart.

I will live.

Thanks.