Sighinide

I haven’t eaten anything in two days, because I just puke it up.

Isn’t fentanyl withdrawal potentially fatal in and of itself?

I just finished up a couple hours’ worth of shakes, so I’m feeling a bit better.

I’m in serious trouble, though.

Really serious. This is not good, not good at all.

Oh man, I can’t breathe. Maybe I’m making a very big mistake, here.

This isn’t good.

Oh god it’s death, such death. I can actually smell the fentnayl as it leaves my body. It’s unreal. So powerful, so awful. What have I done to myself? My brain splits open, my mind dies. This is horrible, truly. Truly horrible, absolutely noxious and awful. What a horrid punishment this is!

Oh god, it’s horrible, I just need to release. I need it to be over, I don’t want to use again, I don’t want to, I CAN’T. OH GOD, I CAN’T use again, I know what that would do to me. At least I think I do, and it isn’t pleasant.

Oh god I can’t breathe, this is hell, I need help to do this, what was I thinking, oh god it hurts this is HELL, please someone help me, someone help me. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?!

I don’t know, someone help, please I don’t want to use again but I CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS, I JUST CAN’T, SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEE

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh god I can’t SEE MY EYES ARE FILLED WITH WATER AND HURTING, IT’S TRAUMA AFTER TRAUMA

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

so bad so bad

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh God SOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUUUCH PAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNNN

Oh god it hurts it HURTS it hurts SO BADLY

My body has been ruined, utterly ruined, what has happened to my body OH GOD THE PAIN

IT HURTS SO MUCH, CAN’T STOP SHAKING IT HURTS OH GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH

HORRIBLE CHILLS, HOT FLASHES, CAN’T STOP SWEATING IT’S HORRIBLE, EVERYTHING IS PAIN

OH GOD JUST KILL ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS PLEASE

I think of Cady, and that helps BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH

OH GOD I CAN’T STOP CRYING. OH MAN, I CAN’T BREATHE

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG

Oh god my eyes won’t turn off, it’s horrible

so bad,so bad

I need out of this, I need help, please, someone help me

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Someone please help me, please help me, please oh god help me with the pain, IT HURTS SO MUCH

I KEEP SCREAMING BUT NOBODY ANSWERS

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Tears are streaming down my face. It’s so horrible, so horrible.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Nothing is worse. Nothing is worse. NOTHING IS WORSE.

Need to get off the drugs! Have to get off the drugs! Need to! Have to!

AAAAAAAAAUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKKK

SO BAD, I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!

OOOOOHHHHHHHH GAWD, SO BAD, SO BAD!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKK

SO BAD SO BAD

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

Oh God, I can’t stop shaking.

Oh god, how horrible, how AWFUL. I HATE this.

It’s so bad, so awful, so noxious, so brutal and ugly.

I HATE this. I HATE it. I HATE it SO MUCH.

Oh gawd, someone kill me, please. Please someone just kill me, get me out of here.

Oh god this is HORRIBLE. So bad, so bad.

Thought about simply blowing my brains out this morning but no, that wasn’t going to work I guess. Decided against it. Maybe I should’ve.

Oh gawd this is dreadful, so bad. I want to get OUT of here.

And no, I haven’t used since yesterday. And that is the problem, lol.

Oh gawd, I HAVE to get OUT of this. Have to!

Oh gawd, so AWFUL.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh God, my throat burns. And this time it isn’t from the narcotics. I think I’m going to cry again, like I was afraid I would.

Oh man, this is what I was hoping to prevent with the drugs.

Ohhh but I need to. I need to do it, to get this out. I have to.

If there was anything I learned from Cady, it was the need to just let it out.

So… oh, man, here goes.

Wish me luck, world.

So I’m listening to Cady’s extraordinary cover of Our Lady Peace’s Bring Back the Sun.

MUUUUUCH better than the original, BTW.

But seriously, Cady saved my life.

I won’t let my memory of her die. I can’t. Then, she would die. For real, forever. Her last tie with this world would be gone. All that would remain is… the blank, empty memories of those who knew her in person. And however poignant those may be, they can’t breathe life into their memories in the way that I can with mine.

She dies without me.

If I die, so does Cady, then.

We die together. Our fates are inexorably intertwined.

It’s… good, that this is the way it is.

I can help her while I live.

So I MUST live.

I can’t let the things we went through die. I can’t let them mean nothing; I can’t just let them pass from the world. That wouldn’t be right. It would be unfair, just like everything else in this world is. I can’t let that happen.

I remember now much more of my time with her, and the nights we spent together after her brother died. Nights that I’m sure now became the basis for Crying Game. I mean, I can’t let her die. So I need to live.

It sucks, what happened to her brother. He died of… prescription narcotics abuse. Something I swear that back than I would NEVER die of upon hearing the news.

Yeah, seriously. It’s like I’m remembering for some reason. Like I’m unlocking long-forgotten memories now that I’m focusing on her again. Kind of like… they weren’t really forgotten at all. Like they were just hiding, for when I needed them. For now.

It’s pretty crazy.

But with that being said, how ironic and… tragic would it be if I actually did die of the same thing? That same thing I promised her would never take me from this world. From… her.

Oof, would that be just dreadful. Truly. It would be awful.

I can’t go out like that, I just can’t.

No way, that would be so terrible. I mean I can’t let that happen!

So, Cady. You actually did end up saving a life, then. Just not the one you intended to. It was me, Cady. Not him. I was the one you needed to save. The one you could save.

It was me.

All of what you went through wasn’t in vain.

You saved me, Cady. Even if it took your own life to do it.

Thanks… words can’t express how thankful I am that you did what you did. I won’t let you die, Cady.

I won’t. Not now, not ever.

Thank you again, so much, from the bottom of my heart.

I will live.

Thanks.

So, I see that Blake Shelton is getting married now. To Gwen Stefani, it seems. I noticed the news yesterday while surfing through the day’s celebrity news.

Wasn’t he the douchebag that ruined Cady’s career?

Seriously, fuck that guy. And fuck Gwen, too. That she should like such a guy after what he did to Cady speaks volumes about her as a person, too.

I mean I liked Spiderwebs as much as the next guy back in the 90’s, but Jeebus, honey.

Yeah, honestly, fuck her. No more No Doubt for me when I go through my fits of teenage nostalgia.

Honestly, that bitch whore and her rotten husband can go fuck themselves. They stole Cady’s album from me, gawd damn it. Fuck those cunts. They stole CADY from me, too, in a way. Fuck them. Assholes. Losers. Overrated fools. They couldn’t find and nurture real talent if it was right in front of their faces. Which it literally WAS.

Cady was too good them, anyways. I mean, she had ME.

I also noticed that Mr. I Only Hang out with Real Celebs didn’t bother to even mention anything about her passing, even tangentially, on twitter. I mean, at least Chase Ryan did that.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

Whatever. Cady still has ME. She didn’t need those losers, anyways. And I’ll always be at her side. Even in death, she’ll have a friend, here. I wonder if Blake will be able to say that he croaks. And that old, wrinkled, washed up third rate Tank Girl ripoff he calls a fiance.

Fuck them both. I hope they fail as a couple and then rot in hell after they die. In fact I’ll be sure to put in a word or two with Satan when that guy kicks the bucket, pull a few strings to make sure that that’s where he ends up. Because fuck him, that’s why.

And if there’s one thing I don’t do in this world, it’s forget. So bro- seriously- and I KNOW you’re reading this- fuck you. For real. You are a loser who is responsiable, in your own way, for much pain and suffering.

So there!

And TBH, I have been thinking of cursing that guy and his marriage. But I won’t. Why? Because they have kids, and I don’t want it to rub off on them. Because I’m at heart a fundamentally a good person. You know, unlike SOME people.

So there!

Fuckers.

Cady hun, let’s listen to some music together.

No, not Blake’s. Or Gwen’s. I mean, some good music. YOURS.

Hrrumph!

I… don’t want to face the world without drugs. I don’t want to, I can’t, this world fucking sucks.

I don’t want to feel anything. I can’t let myself get exposed to this world, I can’t, real life is the most horrible of poisons.

I don’t want to live in this… place. I hate it here. I hate it, so profoundly, mostly because I know it hates me.

I don’t want to be clean. I don’t want to be sober, but I CAN’T GO BACK to what I was, earlier today. That is a fate worse than death.

But I can’t deal here, either. I’m stuck. I hate this. This world fucking sucks, this country fucking sucks, my town sucks, my state sucks, my religion (Christianity) sucks, my job sucks, everything sucks. That it may be a cliche does not make it less profound. That it may resemble a tantrum to say it does not make it less true.

Truth, I still want to die. I’d almost rather do anything than live here.

At least with the drugs I have an excuse to not leave the room, lol.

Oh, I don’t know.

I CAN’T go back. Not to there. I can’t. It’s death, of the most horrible kind. A death of pain, and humiliation. And shame, and loneliness. Everything so awful. There is no honor in that kind of death, as much as there can be honor in any way of dying young.

I suppose dying for your race may have honor in it. Not much else would, I believe.

Certainly dying for someone else’s race wouldn’t, lol. Especially if that race openly hates you.

No military for me, lol.

But I digress, I can’t live like that, again. That pain was just wayyyy too much.

Oof, I need to do a lot of thinking here.

A lot.

The truth is still that I’m scared. Like, very, very much so. TBH, I’m kinda scared that if the drugs stop, that I may have no choice but to face the reality that I dread so much, and everything that I am and have done and need to do will come flooding in, and I can’t stop it, and it will be TOO MUCH to handle.

And I’m scared that if I start crying, that I may never stop.

Oh gawd, so horrible. So hard, this life is. It’s criminally difficult. It’s too much to handle; it’s overwhelming and wayyy too complex. It’s ugly and stressful, and there appears no way to make any of these challenges easier.

I’ve tried therapy. Seen about a half dozen therapists of the years. None of them have helped.

I’m afraid that I may be doomed to a life of disappointment even if I do get clean, and I don’t want to face that, like at all.

I hope I don’t regret getting clean. Oh God, I hope I don’t regret it. I don’t know what I’ll do if I do.

Well, I’m back to listening to sad music tonight.

Okay, at least some things never change.

sigh.

Wowwwww that is some pain. Wow, unreal. Holy shit.

So, uh, it’s kinda past, but jeebus, that was something I will NEVER forget. Alright, it’s over. I can’t go through THAT again. It’s like, it just reduced me to a quivering pile of mush, lol.

Gawd, I was literally pleading for my life at the end there. Like, begging. I can’t believe it.

Wow, holy shit.

So- yeah, that stuff broke me. It won, I guess. I lost.

Uh, yeah. Whatever… I suppose…

No, that isn’t right. I can’t forget what I went through, there, and I won’t. Changes are coming. I want to live.

So I guess that was my “rock bottom”, huh? Seems like it.

Alright, OK. I know my limits. It’s over, all of this indiscriminate drug taking. I mean, if I need it, fine. But no way will I ever feel that kind of pain, again. No way, no chance. It’s over, done.

Wow. Ok. Wow, again.

It’s over, done.

Alright, good.

Yikes.