Sighinide

It will be different. It will be.

I mean it. I won’t make it to Christmas if I don’t change.

It will be OK. I will change.

I will not die. I will not hurt, and I will not die. I promise myself this.

I will get OFF THE DRUGS.

Now, and forever.

That’s IT.

Yeah, it’s done. That’s it.

I am resolved. I just need to get out of this trauma, first. And than it will be over.

I will have withdrawals. Those I can deal with, though. They are nothing like this. It’s OK, I will be OK.

Not a problem, I can deal with it. Right.

Who’s not dysfunctional? Me, that’s who. Yes me. And I WILL make it through this, one way or another, and I will make it through ALIVE.

See?

Not a problem.

Yeah!

And this time, I mean that unironically.

Ow, oh god, why me? Why have I done this? Why oh why?

Do I hate myself this much? Why Tom why? Why did you do it?

I must hate myself more than anyone in the world hates me, to have done this to myself. Why did I do it? Why oh why?

ohgawd it just HURTS. SO MUCH.

IT FUCKING HURTS.

OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

GAWD DAMN IT IT HURTS.

But now it’s over. This will never happen again. Never ever. I can’t live like this. Nobody can. Oh please, just get me out of this and I swear I will change. I swear it will be better for me. I swear I can live again. I swear it, oh please, just let me out of this, one more time, and it will be different.

Oh god, it WILL be different. No more jokes, I will change, I swear it. I just don’t want to feel like that again. Please, just one more chance is all I ask. Oh god, it’s so SCARY.

Yeah that’s it, I’m going to get off. No more jokes, I need to do it. I can’t live like this. It’s getting worse, each time. And it takes so long to feel good, now. This is a pit, an endless pit, with death at the end. I see that now.

I need to get OFF. I must, I must.

Oh please, just let me get through this. I swear I’ll change.

ohhhhhhhhhh….

Oh god is hurts. Oh god it hurts, it hurts so much, god it just brutally hurts. It hurts everything, mind, body, soul. I want off, I need off, I need to fix myself, I need to stop hurting, I can’t do this to me, I need this to be fixed, I need to help myself, I need to help me, ow oh god it hurts, it hurts SO BADLY, it hurts so much, it’s such pain, ow oh god no, what trauma, what horrible trauma.

But it will be OK. This time it’s different. NO MORE. I AM GETTING OFF. I am getting off. No more jokes, I need to do it, like, now, or else. I need to help myself. NO MORE DRUGS. I want to feel again. I want to be right again. I want to LIVE again. I need to end the pain, end the suffering, end the horribleness that is my existence.

I live in pain. That has to stop. It’s just horrible, just AWFUL. GOD, IT HURTS SO MUCH. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh I’ve been hurt so badly. Oh god I am in so much pain.

Oh god it hurts, please help, make it stop. Please help.

Feel better now but it still hurts so very much. Oh god it hurts. This is very scary.

It’s ok, Tom. For real, this time it’s ok. It will be better now, for real. This time it’s different.

Don’t worry, it’s ok. You will be better, and the pain will go away. You will no longer be hurt, then.

It’s ok, then. Don’t be scared. Don’t worry.

Ok.

Oh god my body has been wrecked, utterly wrecked by the drugs.

Oh god, this is bad, very very bad.

Oh my god.

Oh. My God.

This is really bad.

But yeah, the drugs have betrayed me. I want off.

Oh god this is frightening. A horror movie come to life.

Oh god please someone help me. Make it stop.

Oh god please, please. I’ll do anything.

Please…

Tore off my fentanyl patch in anger. It has betrayed me.

Not 5 minutes have passed since then and I’m already getting cravings for more.

This is bad, very bad. I’m in a lot of trouble.

Very, very bad.

This is rock bottom, I’ve found it. Oh god, this is very, very bad.

I’m really scared.

Oh my god it’s nightmarish

It finally happened this morning. The convulsions. Like out of those old anti-heroin ads they used to show on TV. You know, the ones with the real-life addicts being filmed as they went through side effects and withdrawals. It was every bit as horrifying as I expected.

I’m getting off the drugs.

Wah! Part 50!!! 50!!!

Holy balls!

Incredible.

So, is this an achievement, or….?

LOL. Seriously though.

Uh, yeah.

I just re-read part 49, here, which I literally just typed, and lollllll. Do I just have a warped sense of humor or something (I do) but did anyone else get a chuckle out of that one? Like, it was literally funny in parts, although at the time of writing it (like five minutes ago, lol), it wasn’t funny at all (I mean, in like the comedic, funny haha sense, as opposed to the funny ironic sense or the funny… odd sense (though in a way, perhaps it was all three, combined (natch, I mean, it was me, lol), lol)), lol.

Ahhhh… ok.

Right.

Breakfast it is, then, and then other stuff.

Ok then.

Yeah.

lol